Change

It's a scary concept, but I'll leave it to God to handle.

        Here I go again; another late night. But this time, it's different. This is the first night that I actually put thought into something. For the first time, I've been worried abut what's to come; what's in store for me? For my friends, family and especially about what's going to happen when it all ends.

        It's the changes that worry me. Like for example, my older brother Ryley, he turned eighteen. He chooses for himself now. Not to say that he didn't before, it's just on a new level now. He's turned his back on God, he's an athiest. He's got nothing to look forward to, no reason to live, no reason to do anything except what profits himself. He doesn't need to respect anyone, not that he does -especially his own parents- no respect at all! Soon I'm damned possitive that he's leaving. That's a huge f*****g step, for all of us. Hell, he's my brother! Sure I've smashed his head with some kind of metal on multiple occasions and like all brothers, we've had our disputes. But he's always been here and that's going to change soon.

        I've also got my younger brother Sawyer; He's eleven -or is it twelve- I'm not completely sure. Like my older brother, he makes his own decisions. That really worries me. What if he makes the wrong choice and ends up like my older brother having no true reason to live? He's not gonna be a kid for much longer and he needs discipline (not to say our parents don't discipline us). I'm talking religion. I need to get him in church. But it's not between me and him, this one's up to Jesus. I guess I'm just a bit worried is all.

        I'm a bit of a different story. I'm at that ackward in-between place. You know, the one. It's the I-don't-quite-know-what-I-wanna-do-with-the-rest-of-my-life-but-I-know-I-gotta-choose-fast stage. I do have a desired career path, but after that I don't know about anything! I don't even know what I want out of the rest of my high school career. Really I've got nothing but material possessions, family and my friends. Not to say that there isn't much there, just that life needs more; It needs direction. I'm sixteen and I have no job, no car or even a license to drive said non-existing car! It mgiht be a lack of determination or maybe I just don't feel like I'm ready for such responsibilities.

        Then there's my parents. Oh Lord they're difficult! Their heathenistic psuedo-christianism is just unbearable! Where they justify celebrating the world, themselves and their possessions just baffles me. They leave me dumbstuck! I'm not trying to bad-mouth or disrespect my parents at all! They're truly what I see as the closest to perfect parents that I could ever think of. They so perfectly balance eachother out it would be impossible for me to figure who's the best.

        Dad, he's best with chores; whether it's fixing the kitchen sink or building a little home for the guiney pig. But he's the head of the house and I have to hearken to his every call. I love the man, but sometimes he can be so dense! One time, I was trying to explain to him why millions of years of death and suffering couldn't have come before Adams original sin; he just couldn't understand it!

        Mom's too hard to really know. She's easy going -at times. Yet, sometimes she'll just expload and throw s**t all over you! I guess that's women for you. She is however into the whole new-agey experience. She's balls deep into yoga, both learning it and learning how to teach it. She's even trying some kind of Indian lifestyle yogie thing. Agreyua I think it's called.

        They're both getting old; middle aged I think. Their time is coming up. Hopefully not for many more  years. I don't really know how comfortable I am with death. I've never had to come into direct contact with it, but I have accepted it as an innevitability that will happen. So I'm not sure how I'm going to take my parents deathl Whenever it is that it happens.

        Just a couple short years and everything is going to change. Everything from the way I dress, to the way my family is configured as well the way we all act. It scares me, it really does. But there isn't anything I can about it. All I can do is give it to Jesus and know that The Lord has everything under his control. Besides, as long as I hearken to his call, read the scripture and follow his law all I'll know for sure that what happens is for the best.

Author's Note

It's late and I can't sleep D: Haha. Anywho, yeah, let me know what you think!

Reviews

[John Stussy]

Well, you certainly did do some thinking man. Late restless nights will pull these, well i guess you can call them meditations, out of us. Life isn't easy, I've been experiencing it for a couple years longer than you and I am not exactly happy with here I am at the moment. But I'll get where I'm going eventually, wherever the hell that is. Just gotta keep up your faith in yourself. Now, as far as the whole religion thing goes, I am agnostic. It does not however mean that I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to. I live life basically to live it. I won't be greedy, I don't live off of my own self-satisfaction. The best I think people can dop is make what they have of this life and do the best for as many people as they can, be humans and not barbarians. For you, religion might be the way. Fopr some it just doesn't do it. We live, and we do the best we can to do it. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. One thing is for sure, no matter how bad it looks, you keep your faith in whatever you hold your faith in. Don't waver, as it will be what keeps you going, stronger than friends or family. We say we will always be there for you, but sadly life can change that, difficulties arise. Push on, don't give up. Change is life, so don't be afraid of it. Just be sure it's the right change, and if it isn't fix it. I have faith in you my friend, you'll be a great man.