Into Thickness

She disappeared like smoke...

Fire pit burned its spit out red wood

to smoky signals of gray darkness,

floats to delusion of its dissipation

which weighs windy air

higher into clear skies

and dippers as white dusty winters.

 

Beauty in brown skin sways like

wind slipped dresses, into thickness

where deep branches shade and

block her sun from stony

eyes, where the highest

smoke flies into disappearance.

Author's Note

I love this, so I doubt I'll change it, but I'm always open to suggestions!

Reviews

[robin]

I can imagine a slam contest with crunchy style peanut butter and all each person has to do is read this poem aloud...the poem? Oh yeah, it reminds me of Blake or Joyce. You are one complex cat, with a coat of broad diverse talent. Ds Ws and Bs and internal external word alliteration/assonance make for some mad word orgy.
Stoopid stuff (that's good)!

[Sandra K]

Short and sweet. Less words will bring out the beauty in any writing and at any moment. Keep writing friend!!!

Sandra K!
xoxo

[KayOss]

I suggest that you leave it alone. Why do you want to go picking on the poor words? They're magnificent and splendid as written. This poem conjures up a bright fire against a night sky with the smoke drifting and disappearing into the night. This serves to emphasize your metaphor in a most beautiful and vivid way. I love it. :)

[Jane Doe]

This is breathtaking and sublime. A very eloquent piece. Great writing!

[Alexzan Marie]

I love it too...
It is breathtaking....
I've read it like 6 times and I see something new and amazing.
Fabulous =)
as always.

[[untitled]]

You don't need to change a thing. This is lovely. You painted a stunning picture with your words. Thanks for sharing.

[Vanessa]

Wow, the word choice is absolute greatness.
There's something in this, something that you, the writer, create. Dreading cliches, it paints a perfect picture.
Along with cliches, there's none in here. Andit works out beautifully.

--Vanessa Alyse

[April Child]

"spit out red wood" I can almost hear it crackling, nice. The whole of that first stanza is just one big animated image. I didn't quite grasp the second stanza although again I could pull out the images.

[Adam Jordan Turner]

Oh yay!!! I love this too! Great opening, had me right from the start! This is the stuff of yours that I really love, usually all of it, but well done here! Though the beginning is very nice I really just love the second stanza. It has all that imagery you know how to display so very well! Nicely done!

BTW, I'm so not an expert on song writing or lyric writing, the only advice I can give you is to never try to write lyrics or a song. It has to just come to you. I rarely sit down to do anything with a song or lyrics than type it up. It helps if you are an instrumentalist as well because I personally find it easier to write lyrics if I'm writing them with a melody(even if the melody isn't permanent) that way it's kind of just like, sensibly fill in the next line. Anyway point is, lyrics can't be contrived and they always have to be real. Even if they're very simple they have to mean something to you, though the funny thing is you rarely know you're about to write a song before it happens. As artists we are slaves to creativity, it controls us, not vice versa. We however do get the credit for it's work. So be sure never to find yourself stuck for lyrics cause you should never sit down to write a song unless it's already going or complete in your head. On the contrary, I think it's ok to have a piece of material that already exists that you could work on making a song, such as the poem above. That poem would make a great set of lyrics and a great song, maybe if it had in between the stanza's(which would be your verse 1 and 2) a chorus or if it were just two stanza's longer. It could even have a lengthy musical interlude and repeat what is written. As an exercise see what you can come up with. I would start there. I know it seems contradictory to what I said, but it's not, the lyrics are already there, see if you can make it a full body of lyrics (i.e. hook, chorus, some songs have bridges, intro, outro, refrain). I think the aforementioned piece would make a great song and you could still have your version as a poem! Sorry for vomiting my philosophies all in your review.

[James K. Blaylock]

Yes, I concur, what an awesome line! This whole piece really got my mind working, my friend.

jkb