My Wall

I woke up on Friday after a particularly vivid dream that left a strong impression, then I wrote a poem about it, of course.

I dreamed and fell in

to an eternity of brown

eyes and silk hair, stranding

my real world in isolations

of a morning’s mournful tea.

 

My palms pressed the small bend

at the bottom of her back

and she pressed back

with her muddy eyes,

as I lay her gently, down

a scope of electric impulse,

a convinced reality crushed

under shutters like eyelids.

 

She is my wall,

the blind light I follow,

my epitome of dreaming.

 

An ending of waking life,

caressed by smooth sheets

and memory of her shiny eyes,

depressing my chalk-line shape

into my foamy crushed mattress pad.

 

She never really looked at me

so intimately … my memory

sinks, drowns,

and dies in my dreams

without water.

Author's Note

Any thoughts for revision? It's new, I'll probably revise at some point...

Reviews

[Adam Jordan Turner]

It's actually the first of your pieces I'm not having many thoughts about at all actually. It's not bad, not one of my favorites of yours but well done nonetheless. I'll tell you - I got on 'cafe right before going to bed coming from facebook and I saw "Travis Lawrence wants you to read My Wall" and I'm still thinking facebook...try to imagine how confused I was. "Why does he want me to read my own wall?" Sorry, little stoned, funny story. I'll get back to you on the lyric&song questions, I haven't forgotten.

I am back on here after having not been on in ages and thought I would have another look through your work, remembering how much I used to enjoy it!

I like the comparisons here of hair etc for a cup of tea, and the shutters for eyelids.. and the drowning without water is also interesting.

Not sure if this dream was vivid in a good way or not- but be thankful, I usually forget mine 5 minutes after I wake up :P

Hope to see more of your writing around!
:)

[Red Brick Keshner]

Of course. After such dreams one has no option but to write. Almost erotic in the first couple of stanzas. And possibly indicating quite a ravishing in S4L5. What could have crushed the mattress pad? In the end though, it felt as if she left as soon as she arrived (or for however long her sojourn was). The last stanza seemed to be less developed than the rest, culminating almost abruptly, perhaps intentionally(?).

[Katie]

I think this one is pretty good, it actually has a point to it, and it is easy to understand.
keep it up.

[East of Eden]

hey i loved your poem. your dream is alive with desire and beauty. you communicate the feeling of loss really well. cool

[Alexzan Marie]

It is passionate. And empty and romantic and sad. Those are the feelings that I had, anyways.

AGAIN, beautiful.

I feel weird always saying such positive things to you, like I just can't say anything negative or am repeating myself but you give me no reason to be negative.
Damn you =)

*gets tingly shivers*
you write so passionately :) I love it :)
and as I said you're one of thosepeople who can get away with the first drafts. :)
umm but if you want me to be really nit picky, you used the word "crushed" twice quite close togetherm for "realit crushed under shutters like eyelids" (good line by the way :)) and for "crushed mattress pad", at this point I can't recommend a word to replace it with, but it looks a bit better to have it varied- well done though, good write :)
xx

[Vanessa]

My favorite line has got to be "stranding my real world in isolations of a morning's mournful tea....".
This whole poem is like a puzzle, a beautiful one, yet you don't have to analyze it to let the mood swallow you in the best way.

In short, it's lovely. And the vocabulary makes me smile, because it makes the poem whole.
I really adore this.

[April Child]

Very nice. I love the first stanza had me feeling like I was falling into your very poem, the dreamlike state.

The only line I stumbled on is the 'my epitome of dreaming' at first I wondered if you need that line in there but as I reread a few times it seemed to settle into place.

AJT's review gave me a chuckle too hehe.

[J.P.O.et]

I really like this one a lot Travis,
only thought, you describe the eyes as 'muddy' and 'shiny', you can enlighten me of course.
My favorite part

'She is my wall,
the blind light I follow,
my epitome of dreaming.'

The ending makes me so sad, but I like that weird oximoron- the drowning without water.
Nice

J.P.O.et

[robin]

Straddling instead of stranding...and you'll have to shift the sense for the rest of the first stanza as a result. I get the strands of hair bit but it came across like a fumble...Maybe silken hair not hair of silk...muddy eyes is good for a dream...maybe convicted reality?...crushed who you? then say "me" as in "a convicted reality crushed me"...I like chalk line shape perhaps add more to indicate how the dream of her murders you or commits a crime...the ending is Art! Good departure for you, I can tell you reached a little deeper...