Orange Stone

I dove into the water and this is what I found.

I found an Orange stone

                burnt on the rock ledge five feet

                                deep under water

                                                among stones of other colors.

 

                                The disruption of the water

                surfaces constant collisions,

waves and ripples and swimmers.

 

                The destruction of theaters.

 

                                Holy acid rays of underwater sunlight

                                                strip and dive, skinny

wavy like Northern Lights

                in white lines from a yellow eye.

 

I wanted to take the Orange stone

                home, and dove deeper

                                to reach my fingers down

           and grab its hands.

 

I rose, and the stone

                breathed a five-year breath

                                of fresh oxygen, when

                                                I considered its place

                           here, under water.

 

                           With this breath it said to me clearly,

                                                “I’d rather stay, here

                                three hundred and sixty five days a year,

                so please, dive back down there,

and leave me.”

 

To die

                under water

                                is an awful death

           unless you can’t

breathe.

Author's Note

This is an experiment in visual form. I tried to make the lines wavy and sporadic like a water's surface. Does it work or is it distracting to the imagery?

Reviews

[Lydia]

Overall, the wavy lines work for me. I have a bit of an issue with the choppiness of the last sentence, just because I think it would be more effective if the last four words were all on separate lines.

Other than that, this is a beautiful crafting of the english language. Love the imagery.

[April Child]

I liked the structure, it made for more pausing and digesting of words before reading the next line. Just as you say, drifty, the words are drifty like they are floating on the ocean.

It's a really beautiful poem, the imagery is wonderful and the content is different but in a very good way. I love it, can you tell?

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

I don't think that the line structure is distracting, but I do think in some places it breaks the rhythm of the poem. I think this is a very unique poem, and I really like it. It doesn't give much reason as to why you chose the orange rock instead of one of the other colors, but it could be that it called to you; caught your attention unlike the rest. It's a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it.

[No One Important]

It is good...it does kind of distract from the flow, but it is different and it works in that respect...a good poem

[thecoolone52]

your structure of the poem is unique in a way a little hard to read at times but its creative.... i really like the orginality of the poem and how the rock was talking to you......... so nice write very creative..... and orginal......