Twenty Three

My birthday poem, of course I had to write one!

Picked guitar strings carry me a mundane muse,

this new berth I teach myself.

I smile, twenty three breezy years later,

only after I write three of poetry.

 

But were they any worth to me?

The 6 a.m. mushroomed mornings and echoed highways,

the arenous cliff hung over the sky’s impressed mirror on lake Austin,

the 360 bridge, the blinked red radio lights and the downtown skyline.

 

At sixteen (and twelve) I wished I were taller.

I am, nine inches higher,

almost to an average six,

but the longing never left,

 

and the digested knife still grinds the time and cuts,

as I slump in my arch, this chair, to read, write and discuss,

my purpose, while each second ticks away

by my head’s broken watch, made in American culture.

 

I count moments, as slowly as an hour passes, through glass,

a painful second can be near three days.

I’m to twenty three years and later,

still waiting for the one to tick.

 

Author's Note

There's a good chance I will go back and make some chages, so any suggestions/interpretations you make would be helpful. Thanks!

--

Just made my first revisions, but still open to suggestions. Thanks for the input.

Reviews

[Vince]

Nothing I can think of changing right now. In the last stanza, I'd use "hourglass" as one word. If it were me, I probably wouldn't capitalize "THE ONE" either. I think the poem ends a lot tighter on that note!

and happy birthday, make it a good one! Jimmy Eat World has this great song called "23"

[Robert A. Pacheco]

I agree with Nature's Feet. There needs to be at least a tiny bridge conneting.
Anything other than that, I've no comment on, except the fact that this was a fairly nice write. I enjoyed it. I don't see too many poems about someone's personal life, or important key factors in their life.
All in all, I really did like this piece.
Thank you,
~Rob~

[Shadows of Sight]

The visuals were clear, but the count down to one, i must have missed something somewhere.
Each stanza was like an important part of your life, i would guess.
If i were to suggest one thing is a tie in that bridges each stanza together a little more! :)
Happy Birthday!

[Starlit Scarlett]

Happy Birthday, Travis! I can relate to this. I'm impressed by how you can encapsulate almost an entire life in just a few stanzas because there really is so much underlying complexity. It's an exciting time, but it's also an uncertain time and you captured that well...there's a sort of quiet intensity about waiting for time and being a part of it. Well done!

[MorganLyn]

I'm to twenty three years, later,

still waiting for THE ONE to tick.
I like this line. (I didn't know you were twenty three!! Happy Late birthdya!)
"the one" are you refering to that one girl or are you writing it in the literal sense of a clock? I really doubt you are. MOst of the stuff of yours that I've read... none of it is "in the box" thinking. :D
another great write!
-D

[J.P.O.et]

There is a lot going on in this one
I don't like the word mundane if you are describing yourself, as you my friend
are far from mundane. 'mushroomed mornings', this reminds me of younger years and
experimenting with magic if you know what I mean. This was def a new piece obv. and I expect
some changes so send me a request when you edit and finish as I love to see a piece
take shape from infancy to adult
J.P.O.et

[Sandra K]

Happy Birthday!!
Its a cute fun poem!

[Erin Phoenix]

I think its awsome that you made this poem. Is it your birthday? Happy birthday... if it is... haha.

Good job too! :)