Sand grain

A metaphor for the human condition

A simple grain of sand,
waits, wishful for a wave,
with infinite comrades,
from view, not far away.
With a washed hand, reaches,
for one eroded speck,
pulls it from the beaches,
where it had felt neglect.
Now swims in the ocean,
deep, dark blue, and endless,
rid of all but motion,
no sights, no sounds, senseless.
The water's rise and fall,
sends the sand grain roaming,
as the sun's color crawls,
into bed 'till morning.

Author's Note

My attempt at form. Six syllables per line, A-B-A-B rhyme.

Reviews

[Kasey Klein]

Hey Travis.

Nice work, on the form. I like the beat. Thematically, Plato's rant about the riverbed comes to mind.

[Vince]

And here I thought we as humans were insignificant in the face of nature. Think about how a grain of sand feels, being transported to places unknown, seeing other grains never before seen with just one wave of the ocean. Don't even have time to get to know someone before being swept away :(

[Kelsie :]]

wow your poem made me even more excited for spring break when i go to florida :D great description. i love the part when you said "no sights, no sounds, senseless." when you are by the water that is how you feel. that no one can touch or bother you because you are in your own little world.

[BrightEyes]

I think you did great for the style and the rhyme. I never write to rules - it just makes me insane lol. This piece flowed very nicely - making it an easy and enjoyable read. I really liked the metaphor here - and you brought the personification and detail in beautifully.

laura

[TL Boehm]

the form is exquisite and I loved the wordplay in this piece. the alliteration - the ocean sounds...awesome writing.

[K]

I love the imagery in this poem. I can see the little grain of sand just waiting for that wave. Also, the repetition of consonants makes it flow really well, especially with the water theme. Nicely done! :)

[Maxwell]

I like the form... the longer rhymes at the end especially make it sound really quite cool. xD

"With a washed hand, reaches,/for one eroded speck," Why the commas? I guess the biggest thing that irked me here was placement of commas where, to me, it didn't always make a whole lot of sense. Also, the "with a" is a bit awkward, but it's not so bad.

I think the speck...neglect rhyme sounds somewhat forced, but it's not terrible. The rest of the rhymes are excellent, though.

"Now swims in the ocean" I like this; swimming ocean, hehe.

Good job. Great amount of depth in this one, good metaphor, good imagery.

[The Archangel Gabriel]

What a description of the human condition. Indeed, we are all but grains of sand on the beach - tossed and tumbled in the waves. Live it, lovit! Great write!

-Gabe

[Sandra K]

'where it had felt neglect" nice line. I think there are many of us that can relate to that gran of sand.
I like how you wrote about the smallest thing.
Great work!


Sandra K

[Robert A. Pacheco]

Very nice. Nice indeed. Something I really appreciate. I find that you're quite lucky.. I'm not good with metaphors.. Or similies lol. (I'm still working on that)

I enjoyed it.
Thank you for sharing that.
~Rob~