June 17th, 2012: Meditations on Father's Day

instead of lamenting who wasn't there; taking time to thank those who WERE

Father's Day is tomorrow. This has, for at least the past 20 years of my life, been a very painful day for me. Lots of people would like to tell you how you "should" feel about your father. I have some beautiful memories of him from between the ages of 3 and 8, before he started abusing us daily and then left. I cannot recall a single thing I want to remember since then. I frankly fear him- his manipulation, his lies, his cruelty, his disregard for humanity. He is not someone I want in my life, and I have made several small and one large closure over the past 5 years.

 

That being said, I cannot say I did not long for male connection that makes me feel like being with a father. I sit here today and I realize that I have been truly blessed, many times over, by having had several men step up and accept the role of surrogate father to me in many different and important ways. So this dedication is for all of them.

 

My Uncle Bruce was like a father to me throughout my entire life, and I learned a lot about patience and laughing from him. I saw his dedication to his children, my cousins Mike and Matt, and how his interest in their school, activities, and friends helped shape their self-esteem, confidence, and lives. My Uncle Kevin, too, was always there on the sidelines, and we have grown even closer as we get older. His taste in music and humor is impeccable. I love the fact that my family knows how to laugh.

 

When I went away to college, I was taken under the wing for a decade by two incredible men who seemed determined to guide me through the heartbreaks, challenges, and trial and error period of my life. Bob, a retired WWII veteran; and Joe, a hippie horticulturist, both spent hundreds of hours with me. You can scarcely imagine two more different influences, yet the wisdom from these two helped me put my life in perspective. I cannot ever thank them enough.

 

When I struck out on my own, and move to Saranac Lake, Willie, a co-worker, was there to provide me  the moral support I needed, and help me learn the ropes of community and navigating the most hostile work environment I have ever encountered. He was one of the most gentle and loving souls I have ever met, and he taught me a lot about facing your demons before it is too late. He passed away from cancer shortly after my return from the Peace Corps.

 

Then, in Guatemala, I was blessed again to have encountered two of the greatest mentors of my life, Alfonso and Hugo. Hugo was my Peace Corps trainer, and Alfonso a retired agriculture minister. These two individuals have been an inspiration and guide for me for the past 10 years, and I am extremely proud to call them my friends and associates. I also met Jerry, a livestock importer, at this point, who has perhaps been the single most inspiring father figure in my life, and whose willingness to listen over the years has shaped my professional life, and has helped me develop a personal identity I can feel very proud of. I have joked in fact that anyone who wishes to marry me will have to will need to talk to Jerry and Alfonso in addition to my own family, but it really is not even that much of a joke as the truth.

 

Upon my return, Vern, my friend Pam's husband, was there to give me a place to live and get back on my feet after my illness. I do not always agree with his point of view, but I respect his experience and his knowledge. David, a scientist, helped get me established in a true career, and the Jeff, my mentor/ supervisor at Taconic, taught me about the kind of professional person I want to be, and how I want to treat other people. Jim, another vet, kept my dream of international work alive, and handed me the most important challange of my life when he asked me to be the ethics committee chair. I am indebted to all of these professionals who have gone far above the call of duty to treat me with the same consideration and respect as they would their own daughter.

 

More recently, Mark has been there, and has helped usher in my awakening and charting of my own course. Mark is a fellow peot and writer who lives in Texas and has a heart the size of state. He has helped me wrestle questions of God and truth and the absurdity of life.

 

Finally, I have to give acolades to Sandy, who entered my mother's life and accepted me as part of the deal of being with her. He is the first man in her life to truly take an interest in my life and well-being, and has provided a listening ear and countless good pieces of advice on cars, furnaces, finances, etc. Even though they are not married, he has tried to be a dad for 10 years, and I truly do appreciate him.

 

This is not time for anecdotes- this is just a place to say "thank you very much" to all of the men who have taken a guidance and leadership role in my life. I cannot thank you all enough for being the good, kind-hearted, generous, devoted human beings that you are. Thank you for what you gave to me, and what you still give to me.

 

Happy Father's Day to each of you.  

 

Reviews

[Commanda Panda]

You seem to pour your heart out in this piece. I do not know my father as well as I like, but your writing transfers feelings from the screen to the reader. By making a reader feel anything I think you've accomplished a great deal as a writer. Keep the soul in everything you write.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you for the review, Panda. I do not know any other way to write, except to put my soul into it. What is the point, otherwise?

[Commanda Panda]

I understand, but many miss that point and write what they think others want to hear. Something genuine is enjoyable and rare these days.

[Jen]

.

[Marie Anzalone]

Really? on a tribute write for Father's Day, you had to go there?
I hope you at least got something out of attacking me. Hate to think it was all for nothing.

[Tree]

Very cool tribute to those who have had a positive influence on who you are today. Thank you for sharing this, Marie.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thanks for taking the time to read and review, D. Father;s Day was hard for me until I learned to view it differently. Now I consider it a wonderful day to celebrate the incedible men who HAVE been in my life. It's all in the framing of the thing.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

what a nice tribute. they all sound like wonderful men.

[R J Askew]

Well, this was interesting. I groaned inwardly when I read the first graph and was disinclined to read on, not that I want to avoid others' reality when it is less than ideal, but because, well I am a dad myself and today I was just not up for it.

But luckily I did read on, as the rest of your piece is hugely affirmative in the way it marks the kindnesses that have been shown you by others. Long may this continue so and, I hope, help repair the earlier damage.

Good luck!

Ron Askew

[Marie Anzalone]

I think it has become a knee-jerk reaction to assume that young women who talk of abuse are exaggerating or only talking about sexual abuse. We cheapen their stories by dismissing them out of hand. The truth is, it very hard for anyone with troubling relationships to their father to think about Father's Day in a positive way. I was trying to show a way to do so and be true. I truly appreciate you reading through to the end, RJ. To move past, we must replace a thing with some new experience or way of looking at it. It is part of healing.

[R J Askew]

Amen to that. Anything which heals a wound is good. And anything which prevents a wound in the first place is even better.

[gombeggar]

well said, mah dear

[Emily B]

my children have learned the same lesson in regard to grandparents, neighbors, friends, associates, they make their own relations