Lullaby of Seraphim

 

We are all poets

we are most beautiful

when in love.

I will never win beauty pageants

but life, and you,

make me radiant.

There are catacombs in my heart

vaults in my soul

where secrets hatch

like seraphim, or basilisks

fire-breathing old gods.

I feed these greedy nestlings

pieces of myself, every day

they are not yet mature enough

to be freed from cages.

They feed on my blood by daylight

But it is you

every night who puts the pieces back

and

who fills the empty curved space

of my bed

that my body wraps itself around

an instinct of fire

and the lullaby of seraphim

complements the radiance

of the starlight

you make my skin

reflect, so much dew,

so much unsaid,

I am coal, you are the pressure

metamorphosing me into a poet.

Author's Note

written as a thank you to someone in Spanish, this is the English translation

Reviews

[KAREN]

I enjoyed reading your poem! It's beautiful!!

[W.k.kortas]

It's perfectly lovely in English, and I suspect just as much so in the original.

[Ada]

You do a nice job of writing a love poem that is not cliche with the clever use of metaphor.

[JayG]

Uhh...me? You're in love with ME? Was that you peering through the window last night? 😆

Seriously, my point is, what's in it for the reader, emotionally? Someone we know not the smallest thing about is talking to someone not introduced, pleased over undefined situations and events. Don't tell the reader you're in love with the mystery person, of undefined age, gender, etc. Make the READER fall in love, for the reasons the protagonist did.

Poetry and fiction, unlike nonfiction, are emotion-based. Using the techniques of fiction that we're given in school we talk TO the reader—TELLING. But using the emotion based approach we involve the reader emotionally, by SHOWING them the world as-the-protagonist-experiences-it. We make them care, and feel, not just be well informed.

Make sense?

If so, take a trip to the Shmoop site. Once there, hit Student. Then, via the small button to the left of the search window (midpage), select Poetry. There are many great poems there, analyzed deeply, to show why, and how they work. It's a great look at the techniques that makes the masters what they are. And as Wilson Mizner put it: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So do a bit of research .

Not what you were hoping to hear, I know. But because you're emotionally involved with the work it will alway works for you, and you won't see it as a reader. So I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach

[Marie Anzalone]

Don-t need the lecture, thank you, for a piece I wrote FOR someone in another language and translated into English to share here. You missed the point. Further, you come across as extremely arrogant. I also have been writing for almost 40 years and have several publushed books and book contracts. I teach writing in 2 languages and at this stage in my life, I write whatever the f**k I want to. Have a nice night. If you do not like my work, find an author you do like.

[JayG]

• You missed the point

No, you did, I'm afraid. You've fallen into the trap that David Sedaris mentioned: “The returning student had recently come through a difficult divorce, and because her pain was significant, she wrongly insisted her writing was significant as well.”

You took comments on this poem, as it stands on this day, as an attack you, personally—a trait most of us lose with maturity.

You wrote something meaningful only to someone else, yet believe that all the world will love your words, simply because you posted it. And you call ME arrogant?

Someone you don't know took time they didn't have to give you, to provide feedback YOU asked for by leaving the comments window open. Reacting with pique is scarcely an adult response.

And as a not so minor point, "Several publishing contracts?" Seriously? I looked. Self-publishing does NOT count as having a publishing contract. And, to brag about having self-published, you need a far better rating on Amazon than 6 or 7 million from being number one. ANYONE can self publish...even me. Bragging about self-publishing is like claiming to be a great lover after visiting a w***e.

Had you included a notice: "Praise only," I'd have passed by with no comment. But since you didn't:

If you want better critiques, post better writing. It's that simple.

[Marie Anzalone]

I really do not care what you think of me. I do no put up with being harrassed and having my life threatened every day IRL, to be harassed here as well. I went through that a few years back, and there is a reason I am not very active on this site any more. I am sure some others appreciate your superiority. Goodbye from me,

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I too believe we radiate when we are in love. A glow almost similar to that of a woman with child. It can be seen and felt in nuance when around those stricken deep with love. It is the fabric of the heart that weaves hope.