poem: this, instead

learn to ask the right questions selected for publication in 2014 "The Larcenist"

Do not ask her something so useless as

"how many people have you slept with?"

Ask her: if any actually made her heart

warm from the inside, ask her what it

takes for her to sleep restfully and feel

loved in this world and the next. Ask her

if any of her lovers had the skill to make

her come unglued from reality during the

act and how many of them treated her

with respect the next day. Ask her who

told her afterward that she is fat or ugly,

and how long months living on her own

without being touched affects her mind.

Ask her about expectations and religious

incantations. Ask her about the pain of

hope and the bitterness of being let down

when there is misalignment of needs and

values, ask her about how one can still

lose after doing everything right and how

sometimes the wrong thing is actually the

most right. Ask her about double standards

and backwards speaking hustlers who prey

on those who dare to believe again and

again. Ask her how many years of mistakes

she can fit into a single lonely Sunday

afternoon and inquire of her greatest

errors and biggest triumphs, ask her if she

ever caught herself crying at night realizing

that she might spend her whole life never

knowing the love she aches for in her bones

and uterus. Ask her what sets her mind

on fire and what makes her aureoles tingle.

Ask her what she knows and what she still

wants to learn. But for heaven's sake stop

reducing her life to the number or limited

statistic that you think it should fill.

Author's Note

treating one's sexuality and sexual expression as a human right

Reviews

[h d e rushin]

sometimes men ascribe, assign and even impute certain labels on woman, especially the women
of child bearing age, like little shiny buttons of deportment. In other words, there's a point to being
male which is neither exact or ascertainable. Yet it is true, the dating scene, a mission for
those who wish to accept it, is vulgar at best.

Like "Modern Divorce" yet unlike "Morning Inversion" I can see a part of yourself, perhaps
even my own pitiful self, speaking. Because there is no true authorship for loneliness.
ONly the credit and the blame. "Ask her" is both deliberately arbitrary yet personal.
The question is asked and repeated as if you know the person the question is directed to.
That makes the mythology of the object (subject) in this poem, personal as hell. Sometimes
you make me cry out-loud.../but so what/

There is a wonderful message of hope here and that measure lies in the organic ritual of poetry;
that at some point two folk hopelessly in love is a most ingenious device of deception or
an artful stratagem. Your fantastic..dana

[Marie Anzalone]

Dear dana, how wonderful to hear your voice again! I am glad you see the dichotomy in this of personal/ other-directed. also glad that you saw the underlying exasperation and hope worked into it. Falling in love is like playing Russian Roulette with Archange Michael and Lucifer sitting on either side of you. Now if we could only learn to really talk and listen to each other outside of the realm of poetry. But then I would argue that this is exactly why you and I write poetry. And why others even read it sometimes.

[Corset]

Beautifully written , and I have to say that while i loved the entire write this stanza moved me most
Ask her: if any actually made her heart
warm from the inside, ask her what it
takes for her to sleep restfully and feel
loved in this world and the next. Ask her
if any of her lovers had the skill to make
her come unglued from reality during the
act and how many of them treated her
with respect the next day. Ask her who
told her afterward that she is fat or ugly,
and how long months living on her own
without being touched affects her mind.

[Marie Anzalone]

I amglad that this one spoke to you, Corset... thanks so much for the read and review

[Corset]

it still blows my mind that there are men out there that still want to be women, Dana and I have spoke about this, why, being born male with the world in your palm, would you ever want to be a woman after reading the hardships, pitfalls, suppression, domination, smothering, belittling , condescending life we are born to...and then I read the Phoenix and I can see why they would want to be like you.

[Marie Anzalone]

I think that we all deserve a place at the table, Corset. The problem often is that even when we get the spot, we do not get the chance to have our voices heard. I struggle to be one of the ones at the table, and I try to learn from others, how to have the courage to raise my voice. I have often found yslef studying the habits of successful men, mostly because it is so difficult to find women role models I can relate to. But they do exist, even in worlds dominated by the boys.

Reminds me that I need to get active again with my Spiritual Women Group.

[Revolutionary]

I have been with the same man forever so i dont get asked questions anymore about love life. however i feel like this about my Tatoos.People always ask how many i have and if they hurt.what menial questions.once i was asked if I enjoy the pain.such an intriguing question.I was asked if I regret any of the art work.great question.I think this is the same feeling.not sure

[Marie Anzalone]

I agree, revolutionary... people will find reasons to exclude, judge, and denigrate you. Your experience is just a svalid as the one I write about here.

Thank you for the review, and for sharing what it meant to you.

[An owl on the moon]

So powerfully voiced... to speak into the soul of another.. to seek their life that's too often kept hidden... There is a boundless beauty in love... in passion... in wanting to reveal oneself completely to another and embrace on every level. The number game is such a sad way to reduce us to encounters.. rather than transformations.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you for the review, Craig, always such a pleasure to see you on my page. To speak to another's soul, as you say here, requires the holding of a space open where that person feels safe. I think that maybe one perosn in 1000 can do that for another. The more I see, and learn, the more I am convinced that the art of love is about sowing fields and cultivating presence in silence and intent.

[Horizon K.]

...ask her if any actually made her heart
warm from the inside, ask her what it
takes for her to sleep restfully and feel
loved in this world and the next...

I love the thought you bring in this piece, Marie... It makes me wonder, when we ask our lover these questions, what is it we really want to feel? Jealousy, sadness, satisfaction where we were the only ones, just knowing what our lover was once capable of or allowed? And in the end, aren't these people from the past, just a list of failures? Can lessons be quantified with integers?

[Marie Anzalone]

We fail each other when we ask questions from a place of judgment rather than a place of understanding. I tell new lovers in my life, "the people in your past only concern me so much as they are still affecting you; it is who is in your future that interests me right now."

thanks for the read and review... always such a pleasure to hear form you, my friend

[Tree]

We men love numbers, we love Black & White. Simplicity, we call it. We want to reduce a woman's past into something so small, you can fit it into a jar. (for later inspection, no doubt). I still don't pretend to understand. Woman, beautiful complicated creatures to us, layered and overlapping with emotion and dreams that we can't even fathom can't fully grasp, yet still we continue to compute. Rationalize. Use logic where the best course of action might of been to just listen, put ourselves inside of them. Learn how they feel, how they think. But most importantly, to accept. None of these things I speak of have I ever been any good at, but a poem like this might help a guy like me, to better understand.

Thoughtful, and well written piece.

Diego

[Marie Anzalone]

I would not be quite so hard on yourself, Diego. We woman are even worse in general at holding space for a man to be vulnerable (if you need proof, I am right now reaping therewards of my own failure to do so in the most important relationship of my life). While men may not want to hear how overwhelmed we are, we women do not want to hear how badly you guys were hurt. I would say that you would be better than most men at learning a partner if you let yourself open that far. At the heart, our needs collectively have much overlap. When you can forgive yourself through the lens of viewing your partner's vulnerable spaces, you are well on your way, my friend.

Thank you for such a thoughtful review.

[Emily B]

There are so many words, thoughts and feelings, too many, in fact, to organize coherently in this space. I feel your ache

[Marie Anzalone]

your review means a lot, Emily, because to me it means that I struck an important chord witjh my words this time