August 28, 2013: Thicker Skin

In Madeleine L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time," awkward adolescent character Meg is told, about the gifts she has that she can use to fight, "Meg, I give you your faults." She watched those around her get praised for their intelligence, their conformity, their beauty. She is awkward and feels ugly and is impatient and gets into trouble for speaking out of turn. She is the type of person everyone feels uncomfortable around. She saves the day in the end precisely because she IS a nonconformist.

 

I have often pondered the advice we are given: as women, as deep-thinking people, as people who care about human and economic and environmental rights, etc. Much of seems geared towards making us more conformist in nature to conventional Western societal current-day norms. "Go for your dreams, as long as they are not too big." "be successful, on a small scale so that you have time and room left over for socializing." "Go steady- you don't want to burn out."

 

One I have gotten a lot is, "You just have to learn to be thicker skinned." I can be somewhat sensitive to criticism of my person. Not necessarily of my art. I understand that is subjective. Specifically, I thought about it in relation to this site, Writers Café, where for 5 years I have put my heart and soul into the very intimate works I share. I thought about how this affects me as a person in the larger world, the energy required to keep up. There are no easy answers.

 

A woman who seems to detest me and everything she thinks I stand for recently informed me that my writing is "trite." I thought about that for a while and then decided to reject her venomous criticism. I could find not an iota of evidence for her accusation, nor was she willing to provide anything to back it up. I heard the old advice welling up again, "Be thicker skinned. You'll need it," as I pondered her increasingly nasty and misplaced rants to me.

 

Finally, as we approach the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's March On Washington, it occurs to me to ask, "why should I be thicker skinned?" I read in scientific journals where Western culture in general, US culture in particular (an outlier by an astonishing margin) is becoming more psychopathic in the way it treats others. The advice to be thicker-skinned, while meant to convey necessary survival skills, means in essence, that one must be willing to stifle all human impulses in order to fit into modern society and how it will treat you. Where is the room for empathy, curiosity, growth, questioning, spiritual reflection, etc. in a world that makes up its mind in split judgments? Why does a cynical "that's just reality," have to frame my own perception of the world? I am not schizophrenic, my reality is not distorted. It is simply different form the mainstream, I think. Because:

 

I spend time in the outdoors. I read. I think. I immerse myself in other cultures, others realities. I study ecology, injustice, rights, inequalities, psychology. I stargaze. I write poetry as a letter-writing exercise. I create works of art in word and paint and glass and wire. I perform surgery. I engage in conversation with people who have viewpoints different than mine. I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes I admit I am scared. I walk out of relationships and situations that do not serve me. I challenge sexual and relationship mores. I do not ascribe to any one religion, nor am I an atheist. I consider myself to fully be my own person. Now, here, at age 38, possibly for the first time in my life, I am fully my own woman, willing to own that.

 

As such, I ask the hard question- "Why should I HAVE to become thicker-skinned?" If the general culture around me is the thing lacking in empathy, why do I not have the right to demand I be treated the way I think and feel I deserve to be treated? By friends, lovers, amivigos (something between friend and lover, which as far as I know only the Spanish seem to have a word for), supervisors, colleagues, members of a social circle, people who provide services I pay for, etc.? Why should I have to put up with pettiness, ignorance, religious bullying, objectification, or spite based on my appearance, art, point of view, religious leanings, political affiliation, gender, sexuality, or success (or lack of it)? Why should I accept that as my due for having the internal courage to put myself out there?

 

I have been wrestling with these questions a long time, in regards to my continued participation with this site. There are no easy answers. I can honestly say I have felt that my voice was stifled for a long time. I did NOT feel safe putting anything out there. That is the direct effect of targeted social exclusion and bullying. not just by the person I mentioned, but by others, as well. My words and views are not mainstream by anyone's estimation. I am a strong advocate of women's equality, a strong denouncer of both misogyny and hatred of men. Or hatred of any group. I am a social progressive. I have been called the anti-Christ, told I "cause trouble." When the act of asking for peace and civility is a radical act, there is something very broken about your system.

 

This site has been a home and community to me for a long time. I will probably stay here a while longer. I am finding it harder and harder to do so. It is hard to come back to a place where you are a target simply for existing.

 

I had always hoped for finding a place where my "weaknesses" could become my strengths. I thought I had found such a place 5 years ago. I am starting to question that now, in light of the attacks this year. The attackers' goal was to unbase me, make me feel insecure. To silence my voice. Every time someone stands by and cheers while another human being is verbally shredded, they are assisting in the silencing of a human voice and soul. It is a powerful and effective tool, and no amount of telling someone "to grow a thicker skin" is going to resolve the problem of how it feels to be on the receiving end of bulling and unjustified hatred. Social exclusion is the worst punishment we human beings ever devised. It is why MLK marched on Washington for equality 50 years ago.

 

There should be room for everyone's voice.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Larry Dyson]

A person is never seen as a prophet in his/her own land..s.o simple ....yet think on those words....what truly is a prophet and what reverence is due and given to one? Gods grace is needed in all things... prophets act for the ones who believe that and do that and act (within)that lifestyle.....you understand that and are doing it...I only ask god gives you more of the answers and more of the support you truly need.I know I have been shown that you are doing ..mighty things.. for all of us who need a prophet...accept this title or not...I see it and am stating it out loud....where you can hear it my dear dear friend...LAury

[Horizon K.]

So first off... Welcome back, I believe you were working on finishing that thesis! And that I'm upset to see these issues are still going on for you. I hoped your return piece would be ... Some new heart letter I could fall in love with...

I do love that your writing always gives me something to seriously consider, what even does thick skin mean and when do we actually have it, when does it play well for us versus being detrimental to our own values of self worth and how we want to be treated? I thought I was one of these people with thick skin but on further analysis of my responses to recent events, i realize this is not true at all... And speaking to weakness being the other side of our strengths, I do think this is certainly true as I know, my greatest strengths are at the same time my greatest weaknesses, all depending on on the contextual variables these play out in, notably, the way whomever I am interacting with perceives me...

In any case, I think we should all have a place to express ourselves, truly, and I would say without inhibitions but only when our goal or byproduct of our voices is not to hurt and disrespect others. It takes emotional maturity to find this delicate balance in a fiery situation or with a person who does not share these values.

And I learned a new word today... amivigos... Though Google refused to educate me further on this.

Well, not sure I'm done with my thoughts here... Will continue thinking on this... But don't leave because you are one of my fave writers here absolutely, as well as a dear friend...

... Already returned to edit my own comments...

[Marie Anzalone]

just acknowledging, Horizon. I typically do not process things in real time. Takes me a while to get there. Am exhausted tonight, but will respond in more detail tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to read/ review. Kind of going through a bit of a breakdown these past few weeks, putting things back together, getting stuff out, etc. Thank you so much for sticking with me. These days, everything just hurts. I cannot always be the thick-skinned one.