Help Needed: Brokering a Truce

A week ago, I offered to help broker a peace accord between three writers whose feud had spilled over its bounds into other pages. The poisoned ink has been spreading. Many writers have left over it. Today, I heard back form the third, who is finally willing. Q, J, and F; you know who you are. I will not say who was first second or third. I honestly have no idea how this happened. I was not paying attention.

 

I count myself fortunate to be friends with all three. All three are warm, caring individuals, and are talented writers. Today, I can only reach one. All three have helped many others, all three are flawed (as we all are), all three deserve a chance to put this behind them.

 

I want to give them that chance. Everyone deserves a clean slate. This site deserves to be a place again where writers feel safe expressing their words.

 

The terms of the truce are simple enough- I am not asking for teary reconciliation and the creation of bosom buddies. All three have closed, or are in the process of closing, their accounts. I have no way to reach any of them without help form people who know them better than I do.

 

Here are the terms of peace for the three writers involved:

 

1. For one month, do not write a single public word about each other, either here or on Facebook. What you say to trusted friends in private messages is your own business. But in PUBLIC: in writing, reviews, comments, public messages... not a word about each other.

 

2. Consider taking down works that were written to attack one or more of the other three.

 

3. Consider accepting apologies that have been offered; consider making some of your own.

 

4. Do whatever you need to do in order to move forward, block, write about your OWN feelings etc. Just no words of accusations for 31 days. No words against the other 3.

 

I want to take this one step further. I almost closed my account a month ago over different reasons. I stayed because of kind words shared by a few, and I am glad I did, for so many reasons. I believe in the power of community.

 

Many of you know one or more of the writers involved in this struggle. You have seen the hateful words, the accusations posted. They hurt many of us as much as they did their recipients. I want to ask you, as part of the community, to repair some of the damage. Is one or more of these individuals a friend? Use this space here, on my public post, to write something constructive about any one or all three of the people involved. Thank them for something. Tell them what they mean to you here. I warn you, any disparaging remarks against them will be deleted from this post, and flagged.

 

Like I said, this is the only way I have to get in touch with them. Maybe they will see your words, and agree to give this place another try, in such a manner that permits all to move forward. maybe we can finally beat this thing, using the power of community to help see the bigger picture, move past, and forgive. Maybe.

Reviews

[Bare Trees]

I know the writers of which you speak. I think this is a thoughtful write on your part, although IMHO, the damage has been done. There are some writers that will never come back here now, maybe even the writers which you refer to. I've lost some friends here and its a shame. Writers who weren't even a part of the bickering have left. I think your attempt here is a valid one, but I don't see it mending what has been done.

[Marie Anzalone]

Nothing can fully mend nastiness that has been going on for years, and this minor skirmish has become a distraction to much larger issues. I appreciate your honesty, even if it is cynical. I do not classify myself as any particular religion, but I do believe in the healing powers of acknowledgment, redemption, and forgiveness. Humans will always have conflicts and disagreements. There are much larger issues of misogyny and favoritism under the surface here, and they were only touched upon in this fight.

We have all sat back and watched this happen, we have watched people leave the site and become disillusioned. No-one has done anything. Maybe my approach is not the correct one, who knows? But at least I am not sitting back and doing nothing any more. Let me ask you a very serious question:

When there is a piece that makes fun of someone, people jump all over it. When there is a piece that is nasty to someone, people jump all over it. There is a group of writers here that are willing to go to town giving nasty reviews and rating simply because they are told to. Here is a post asking for people to show kindness and forgiveness, asking for writers to surround three hurting people with kindness that they so desperately need... and only three people have stepped up to the plate. Why is that????? Why did you respond with skepticism instead of the kindness I have asked for? I have a good reason for what I ask for, a reason based on my own understanding of what it takes to drop animosities and accept being a better person. So why is it not happening?

Like I said... at least I am trying to do something. Maybe not perfect, but trying to do something.

[Bare Trees]

You may have taken my review the wrong way. I didn't mean for it to come off as cynical. In fact, you sound a bit cynical yourself, as though your attitude has changed as a result of someone interfering with your intent. I can assure you I did not write my review as a means to bring up bad feelings or to get anyone angry. I can see you took a long time to carefully write your reply and I appreciate that. If my review does comes off as being derogatory I apologize. I was only saying how I feel about the situation. I'll say no more. If you wish to delete my review, you may.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you for the clarification. One thing we are trained in... it can be very hard to discern tone without the facial cues and body language that real interaction gives. I am just as leery and gun shy and everyone else right now. I apologize if my stance was a little too forceful. I did misinterpret your tone. No, I will not delete your review. Only things that are derogatory will be deleted. Honesty will not be.

It is nice to have made your acquaintance today, even if under dubious circumstances.

[Bare Trees]

No problem, Likewise.

[Marie Anzalone]

Your words echo in my mind, like a memory. Have we met before?

[Larry Dyson]

just a little reflection here ..for the ones who say "never"....this is not the first time this type of thing has happened in WC..and many do test the waters and return..ty for your caring and efforts..(((safe huggs)))Laury

[Bare Trees]

I've heard that a bunch of times. One guy thought I was a girl he knew. lol

[Marie Anzalone]

Nice deflection :-)

[Bare Trees]

I'm actually an FBI agent. Some vowels and a certain number of verbs have been stolen from the site and I've been sent here to investigate being you've made the number one spot with this writing. I may need to check your pockets.

[Marie Anzalone]

Be careful how you frisk lest some other writers get jealous, then. Oh wow I needed that laugh!

[Bare Trees]

You may need to take your socks off as well. Cavity searches will be restricted to your mouth however. Please brush and floss first. A thorough examination of your tongue may be needed.

[Bare Trees]

As I understand it, the top writer section has been reported missing. I may need to check your bags as well.

[Marie Anzalone]

my socks? what do my socks have to do with anything?

[Bare Trees]

The space between toes ha been known as a good place to hide quotation marks.

[Marie Anzalone]

aphrodisiac of the gods, too... there's a reason I stole them... good money on the thriving black market for illustrious prose

[Bare Trees]

Anything you say can be held against you in a court of english.

[Marie Anzalone]

tal vez entonces es buena cosa que yo hablo dos idiomas, verdad?

[Bare Trees]

That's the part the woman says in spanish when you call Time Warner Cable. Nice try mamm.

[Commanda Panda]

I've done a full body cavity search and waved my rod at her to see if she had any weapons on her. She's clean...for now. ;)

[Marie Anzalone]

you two are too much... thank you for the much-needed levity. Blip, I assure you that the Spanish is not copied form anywhere. Panda, I assure you that nothing I stole from anyone on this site is illegal, immoral, or unethical. You might be disappointed. ;-)

[Commanda Panda]

Disappointed with you? I doubt it.

[Marie Anzalone]

Laughter is great medicine. If all body cavity searches were performed by folks as fun as you, flying would be a lot more enjoyable. I might even start carrying contraband grammar in unusual places.

[Commanda Panda]

Then I would have to escort you into the back room and give you a more thorough search. :)

[Marie Anzalone]

Every woman needs a good linguist in her life. Being accosted by grammar police never sounded so... interesting.

[Commanda Panda]

Well, sometimes you have the crooked "grammar police" who are just looking to make their jobs more fun. Should it become contagious that wouldn't be my fault, now would it?

[Marie Anzalone]

where can one consign crooked grammar police? my love life needs a bit of a jump start. ok, more like a resurrection and exorcism.

[Commanda Panda]

Just talk to me and I'll take care of everything.

[Holly Mason]

I do not even like coming on this site anymore...it actually feels stressful so I will give this purging of the soul a try....but I would like to say that I know a lot of folks have written ...please come back writes for f and q ...so i did not want J to feel no one cared ..so I wrote one for J and I had to just get rid of it for all the negative remarks that were left for him to see...I trust you so I will attempt this but hope there are no regrets when I am done....
F- heck you just the best , there is truly something about you that makes people want to know you and that my dear is a gift...so creative, I just love to see your titles and then wait for all the editing and then fuss at you about it...and it is always worth a fuss*)

J- always a good friend...even when I do not believe in internet friends *) you send strength through a monitor...now that is a gift and I know a lot of the ladies swoon for those writings*)

Q- we do not totally know each other but I will let you know I read everything you write...I mean who else calls out Snow white...love it all ...I love your words ,always so just you ,or Q I guess*)

well this is what I think of you folks...good luck with this Marie like tennis the ball is in another's court now*)....
Marie thank you for this...sentiment is lovely

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you, Holly. We need more of this, so much more, to repair what was done. It is always fascinating to see each other, through each others' eyes, isn't it?

Your trust means the world to me. Any nasty remarks on your post will be dealt with appropriately. People need to know they are safe coming back, and that they will be accepted. They need to know that a clean slate can be achieved, and that others will hold that space for them.

[Georgia Gypsy]

I certainly hope this gets cleared up, may all involved heal and move forward.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you, Kelli. I will stand behind my words when I say that I hold onto hope that is possible. Your kindness is appreciated.

[quinfinn]

well, i'm your huckleberry.....i don't want any further animosity or pain. we have all suffered by this. are we not adults? i will be the first to admit i have acted in less than appropriate fashion because of hurt feelings, anger and hatred directed at me and loss of beloved poets whom i once considered friends. this has hurt all involved, there is nothing to gain from further perpetuation of all this childish nonsense. so, without pointing fingers or naming other injured parties, let me be the first to extend peaceful intentions and pledge to abide by any truce reached herein. maybe , if we all decide to engage in positive endeavor and bury this once and for all...some of those cherished writers who have vacated this site will return...it is my fondest hope that we can all come to terms with our issues and move on as mature and responsible adults. i am not asking anyone to refriend me, all i ask is for the hostilities to cease and for the beauty to be restored to our beloved cafe. face it, this is the best poetry site in the world, and we all want to be here. please, i want peace.....don't we all?

[Marie Anzalone]

John, I had one case of someone harassing me personally a few years ago with a personal agenda. That person was permitted to mention me by (my real) name in a few nasty posts without retribution- he was an ex who followed me here. I reported him and nothing was done, despite the invasion of privacy. Most of the cases of true nastiness I have seen have been either of that nature- personal vendettas; or of this nature, where a misunderstanding got blown way out of proportion. I would not attempt reconciliation with any of the handful of truly unreachable people I have met on site- I know the difference between someone who is troubled and someone who is evil. Hell, we are all troubled in some way, or else we would not be writers.

There does seem to be a genuine partiality in how conflicts are handled, and you were very right to send that letter. This business is different. The former was what almost drove me off site. Four months of harassment and directed attacks by one person. But the worst part of all for me is that there have been others willing to jump on a cruelty bandwagon; to attack a person on here not through some personal grudge, which is a human response to anger, but simply because someone else told them to. That was done to both myself and to Quinn; the fallout from that has not been discussed, while this personal animosity between these three has been the focus. The difference being the publicity of the actions. This animosity is fixable; the other, is not.

[Marie Anzalone]

Quinn, first let me say that I loved the movie Tombstone. I appreciate you being the first to step up to the plate. I have heard privately from the other two involved, and from someone not involved. The sense is that there needs to be some acknowledgment of the feelings involved by all parties; an apology that accounts for the damage that was done to each other. The damaging of reputations, etc. I would say on all sides. It would be helpful if you explained that the attacks you mentioned were NOT the ones instigated by either of them, but rather the ones you and I were both victim to. There is a difference between a disagreement and an attack. One of the individuals was very hurt by some of your words, and needs an apology for damage to her reputation as a woman. If that is offered, and the conditions are adhered to, I think there is a true chance of moving on, at least for this situation. Thank you, from my heart and for all I would like to see this place be, thank you.

[quinfinn]

i have made my apologies time and time again...here is what happens. i write a piece designed to convey regret and apology (more than a few times) one of the other antagonists (not one of the three) has to rale against it and make rude comments ,. calling me a liar and a slimy child molestor, thereby negating any positive effect my poetry of apology would have....i have been shot doen in flames with apologies to all of these people...when i commented on a poem about the woman you speak of the other day someone couldn't stand it and decided to call me audacious and saying that "hate and anger ran through my veins" i was invited to review that piece and was very sympathetic and kind in my comments....so, my point is....this woman who chose to ask so many friends to mount a hate campaign against me needs to call off her dogs and do some apologizing of her own before i will even consider another apology...sorry, but no cigar on reapologizing for the actions of someone else's minions,,,and this hit and run peekaboo crap the other party is utilizing...my account is closed, oh no it's not, oh yes it is...and by the way "you win quinn, you're a much better snake oil salesman than i gave you credit for" is printed on the closed account status...when it is closed , which is about every three minutes, you know, after each comment.....oh, i can and will make peace, but no...this situation was not caused by me and until they will admit their role (which i highly doubt) i will never trust them....they caused me irreparable damage and try to blame me for the damage their own hate campaign caused themselves....ridiculous!

[Marie Anzalone]

Nothing that happened days ago matters any more. Quinn, I believe F when she says she is not organizing anything against you. Trust me when I say, she has bigger fish to fry at the moment. You have no control over what others say about you. You only have control over what you say about others. You only have control over your actions. My hope is that within a month's time, everyone will think of better things to write about. I know you have tried to apologize. I am asking you, as a friend, to do it one last time. Here. In a way that only talks about your own actions, not those of others. That acknowledges the hurt caused by your own words. You may ask for one in return, too. I sincerely hope it can be given by the recipient. I really would like to see this whole thing put behind everyone once and for all.

We are all far better than this.

[shallimarRose]

Quinn you told me you regretted things that had transpired... lets leave it end here.. As we begin a new friendship just start anew.... I hope you will view the video and somehow draw from it what being a poet truly means.. xo Rose

[Cool Handless Luke]

Well said Marie.

[Marie Anzalone]

thank you to everyone who responded

[Marie Anzalone]

let's see if we cannot work this thing through

[quinfinn]

okay, apologies all the way round to any and all i may have offended with my retaliatory comments and writes. i am sincerely regretful for any and all collateral damage for any and all mischief on my part....there, that is in black and white for all interested parties to see. whether or not you choose to embrace it is in your court.

[Emily B]

this makes me happy, quin, i know i'm not one of the parties, but i've been holding my breath for the longest time hoping we could get the cafe back on track, thank you for working with marie :)

[quinfinn]

well, just reading jack's 6000 word dissertation lets me know that people are still sharing our personal messages with he and others, so i guess the stabbing still continues, is spite of my efforts to smooth out the wrinkles on my pages, and his words made it very clear that he is not in a forgiving or reconciliatory stage , but still dwelling on past acts and words and still using them to try to inflict pain on others....in spite of the thinly veiled attempt to sound noble and /or honorable......so we have his response....don't we?

[Emily B]

Quin don't go backwards. You can't control how Jack feels or anybody else. You can control how you step forward. Please I want to have confidence in you. That you will put it all behind you. It is important to us that you stand tall in your black and white apology. We have too much living to do in a short little span of time to let others fill our baskets up with negativity. Share and receive all the good things please, dear friend.

[quinfinn]

oh, i'm not going to backpedal. i stand firm by my words....i just wish others could learn to, without the deception and lies....i guess you're right. i have no control over that. so be it. i think it was adolph hitler who said "the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it"....i suppose there is some wisdom to that, regardless of how evil he may have been. i am done with mischief and hatred, it is ugly and fruitless and destructive.....regardless of how things turn out, i have been here over two years and am going nowhere....

[shallimarRose]

".i just wish others could learn to, without the deception and lies..." In a way posting this line here is not productive... Anything further I have to say i will do in private.. Rose

[Cool Handless Luke]

not productive at all. am about to remove my heartfelt wishes of peace remarks just so i don't keep getting notified of all these replies that only make matters worse.

[quinfinn]

i am sorry if my obvious frustration annoys....you have not stood in my shoes, have you? i promised to go forward from here and i will!

[quinfinn]

not found on server....

[Marie Anzalone]

Quin, I think this is a very good place to explore why differences arise. You and I read something very different in Jack's words. I read the words of a man who was also hurt, and saw his friends being hurt. An imperfect person, just as you are also imperfect. I know better than most on this thread the true depth of how it hurts to be treated as you were by others (NOT the people this was directed to). Who among us is at our best when we are hurting on a physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual level? You are not, I am not, Jack is not.

I said something to him that I will say to you as well. The ONLY way forward in situations like this is to wipe the slate clean, and deal with any new situation that may arise in the context only of itself. It is like repairing a marriage. You can never move ahead if each person is trying to win. You can only do so if each person is willing to reach an agreement. Both of you, in your way, have accepted the agreement I suggested, and taken it a step forward: you have both offered apologies for the damage that was done. It is clear that there still is hurt on both sides, but that is to be expected.

Hold to the 31 days. Let it go. You have no control over what people say in private. I do not have much good to say about people who reveal private conversations in a public forum for their own gain. You may realistically never even like each other again, or respect each other. That's normal.

From here on out, for a cease-fire to work, there can be no "you always..." Nobody is "always" consistent in anything. And people deserve a chance to change, to have that change recognized and honored by the community. People here, on this thread, cared enough about you, Quin, to take a few minutes to write to you, good things about you. Caring things. There are no sides; it is possible for someone to like you but not like your friend. Take the good tings to heart... they are just as meaningful as the bad things a few detractors say.

My other hope is that people NOT directly involved, who have been fueling this fire in despicable ways form the sidelines, recognize just how delicate and volatile the situation is, and do not do anything insensitive to restart this thing. Please , please, let it rest.

Ad Quin, thank you for stepping up, for reaching out. For making a public declaration. I will stand up to anyone who says your past actions predict what your future ones will be. You deserve that chance to stand by your words, and I would like to see this community give you that chance. You have my promise right here that you have it from me.

Let's see what kind of better things we can all think of to write about in 31 days, shall we? Like LJW says, this is a place to write. So let's get writing.

[quinfinn]

i have offered up so many attempts at apology and reconciliation it isn't even funny. so, i will try again. no veiled insults, no lashing out, no more writes aimed at others, no more retaliation for insults and lies, no more response to same....just poetry and peace from now on. what we say in private is another story...but since that no longer remains private i will cease to voice my opinions there as well. you have my word, Marie.

[Emily B]

sometimes peace is hard won, some days i have to look several times at the little note beside my desk that says 'just for today i will not anger.' Maybe after many more days I won't have to remind myself any more.

[Marie Anzalone]

Most people are in favor of peace until they realize how much it looks like hard work. You are so right in what you say, Emily... that each day is a new battle, a new challenge. A new chance to say "today I will or will not____" What goes into those blanks determines the course of most of our lives.

[Marie Anzalone]

I will start, with the one I know the least of the three:

J: I opened my mail one day, and saw a friend request from you. I was honored. I started reading your work, the reason we are all here, and I was truly impressed by your talent. I carry some of your words in my heart as I left, and that is the mark of a great writer.

F: I appreciate your honesty about your reasons for not trusting me. I hope we have worked through what happened with that. You have left some really great reviews for me, and I thank you for that.

Q: I consider you a dear friend. You reached out to me, twice, in times of complete despair on my part. You got to know me, and we have shared words, stories laughs, and most importantly, music. You were one of 3 who kept me here on a fateful day.

Thank you, to all of you, for what you do, and for what you bring. This is our community; let's make it what it can and should be.

[Astro]

"Thank you, to all of you, for what you do, and for what you bring. This is our community; let's make it what it can and should be. " No truer sentiments were ever shared by me. P.L.U.R.

[Marie Anzalone]

thank you very much

[Astro]

Cheers to you