poem: Gracious and Loved

for Aleia

 

You are a gracious and subdued child

eyes to the ground, a voice almost

never raised, a heart made grateful for

every small gift bestowed upon you,

like I was, at your age, uncannily so,

I think. A soul that has been convinced

it is made for "making do." Do you also

at Christmas wait until last to open

all of your own presents, purposely

holding back your natural excitement

in measured secret heartbeats only

you know? Do you write your desires

deep only in journals, and hide them

well, even from your own prying eyes?

How often were you told "you can do

anything you want as long as it looks

the master plan for you?" Do you arrive

first to parties and help with preparations

so the host can enjoy her time? Is the

love you deserve proportional to good

behavior and do you sometimes in the

dark leave bite marks in your pillow

from teeth clenched in a seething rage

and your face hot and shameful and

your breath catching in ragged gasps

as you choke down something beyond

your grasp that you are so envious of

that others have come to them so

damned easily? Do you stand outside

under trees and wish you could be

absorbed into them, stand besides

rivers and wish you could melt, do you

know what I am talking about a little

bit maybe? If you do, there is something

I want to tell you, something you need

to hear: a girl was never created to be

her momma's maid servant; you have

a right to choose your own course and

destiny and learn whether or not you

have wings. You are entitled to and you

deserve exactly everything in this world

that will make that empty space in your

chest fill with the joy and wonder of being

alive and all you ever have to do to get it

is the single hardest thing you have ever

done in your entire life. It involves the art

of swallowing a metal rod and inserting it

surgically into your own backbone, and it

involves letting yourself be first in line and

taking that journal and defining every

beautiful thing in this world you wish

could be yours, letting your fingers dance

over their surfaces and then taking a deep

breath and looking ahead, being goddamned

selfish for the first time in your 16 years

and just plain asking for them. I promise

you the tears will be hard but not as hard

as the ones you will cry if you always just

accept whatever scraps are handed to you.

Take it from a grown woman who has been

there. I see YOU. You deserve to be loved.

Author's Note

for my ex boyfriend's beautiful daughter. I won't get to see her this year. but I want her to know I am still here for her and always will be. Love you, sweetie.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

in my own way i relate to this...many years of therapy trying to learn that i deserve to have what makes me happy...i have this tendency always to feel that i owe or that it is my job to take care of others first, and me last...and that i don't deserve...learning we deserve in life is tough...

this poem is really a wonderful insight into that...and it is advice that should be heeded, Marie.

jacob

[Marie Anzalone]

Is there anything tougher than believing we deserve the bounties that this life has to offer? We go through so much indecision and trying to earn love, to earn respect, to earn our right to live or exist. Trying to feel worthy. I try to take to heart the book that helped me pull myself out of a cycle of depression and anger and disillusionment:

“You often say, 'I would give, but only to the deserving.'
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream. ”

― Kahlil Gibran

[Rafia ~ Yellow Girl]

You love her so much!
It's Beautiful... everything which made you produce such a piece!

[Georgia Gypsy]

I so wish someone had told me these things when I was that age....my mom likes to tell everyone how supportive she was of me throughout my life...but she was the voice who always told me I couldn't 'do' things because this or that or education etc would cost too much money.
Of course now she is the reason my business is doing so well, she taught me everything I know....at least according to her.
I forgiver her now, she didn't know any better and wasn't raised an optimist.

Wonderful words, I hope this young lady goes far and Soars!!!
GG

[Marie Anzalone]

You are successful in so many ways besides just the business, GG. And yes, I wrote this to her, remembering the kindness of someone who sat me down and told me I had the choice to either continue to live as a victim of all that had happened/ been done to me, or rise. I was 19 at the time. I am hoping all of us reaching out to this girl, gives her a head start. The good news about emotional intelligence is that, if we choose, it can become something we continue to learn throughout our lives. By doing so, we allow others to be their best around us, as well.

[quinfinn]

unlike others, i never had therapy of a psychological nature....but i have endured many years of pain from physical injuries and seen so much suffering that i can easily and rapidly identify with anyone who has difficulties...don't know how you do it, writing like this without becoming affected (i'll wager you are) but you certainly struck a chord within me....some may interpret this as a pity party, i know i have been accused of that very thing, however, i see this for what it really is...a plea for empathy and a declaration of love and devotion. well done.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you, Quin, for your kind and thoughtful review. I can say that of course I am affected by the writing; but what would affect me more would be the staying silent. I am not sure I would want to be associated with anyone who would twist words of encouragement to an abused child in need; as a cry for sympathy or pity for my own person. If someone does not reach out to troubled kids, they become lost. Words can empower as much as they can tear down. This girl needs empowerment. Right now, words are all I have to give, but she read them and she knows she is not alone. That is what matters to me. Anyone who says otherwise can take a flying leap.

[quinfinn]

i wont go into it....i have been accused of sympathy hunting when writing of another's death recently. it was appalling and dirty. i can't believe people sometimes.

[Marie Anzalone]

we have a culture that tends to make a spectator sport out of meanness and cruelty. we can either choose to be part of that, or not.

[quinfinn]

count me out......always. there is enough suffering without adding to that malady.

[An owl on the moon]

What a beautiful, heartfelt dedication to one so dear... Yes... how we too often take the scraps from the table, when there is a feast awaiting us if we can just avert our eyes and our souls long enough.. You lift so wondrously here... you give wings.. and you speak on the winds so they rise under every softly shaped feather... I was shy once upon a time... and I heard then that "still waters run deep..."

[Marie Anzalone]

Still waters run very deep, Craig. It is difficult for any of us who were raised with the belief that we are less; to ever accept that we are worth more. I have seen several dear friends on this site struggle with their own acceptance over the years. It has been wonderful, to me, to see how far they can go. Isn't that what our words are supposed to be about, finding a voice for the human soul and spirit to rise and fly? I so appreciate your words on my page today, my friend. This girl's anguish is so very real; it is heartening to me to see how many have reached out with positive messages for her, via my own words. Please accept a warm hug today, from me.

[An owl on the moon]

And smiling in the warmth of your heart and hug... You are always helping dust off the wings of those who have fallen from the skies... who need to be restored.. and you're so good because you care... you take the time to let the healing come.. If only we didn't all compare ourselves to others, then we could truly see our own worth.. but someone else is always faster, or stronger, or more talented or... Help us shake off the lies that hinder us from flying...

[Marie Anzalone]

Craig, I so have been needing to hear something good about myself here. How do you always know? I hope you realize how many people you encourage and inspire, every day that you, yourself, are here.

[emmajoy]

' You deserve to be loved. '

Had to wipe my tears away when i reached the end of this wonderfully sensitive piece of writing. Am so pleased and relieved to read that sixteen year darling has read your words, Rachael. More than wise they are, more a blessing born from heart, brain and earthborn soul. For so many young girls. life's hidden by and in a mess of hurdles .. takes time to escape from dark shadows and, strangely, to step from light shadows you didnt even know existed. There are so many phrases that hit me as being part of a remedy, tho so much of it comes from inside.. but this is a life lesson:

'.. you deserve exactly everything in this world ~ that will make that empty space in your ~ chest fill with the joy and wonder of being ~ alive.. '

[Marie Anzalone]

She has been through so much already... I hope she sees and reads all of your words of kindness that have been placed here for her. She needs each and every single one of them. This girl has no clue how deeply she is loved. Even her momma loves her, in her own way... just has a backwards way of showing it. We are trying to get her into a more loving and secure environment, one that is better for her future, but it is going to require her willpower and her ability to make a declaration of where she wants to be.

If there is one thing I detest more than almost anything else, it is parents using their children as pawns in disputes against another parent. I was used that way, and I know how badly it destroys the child's autonomy.

[emmajoy]

Those last three lines, awful, like a contrived tragedy .. and yet more real than real. Pray it all happens. Truly do.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you. As we say here in Central America, "de corazon, gracias." ["from the heart, I thank you."]

[s y e]

Your imagery is so powerful and I loved the wording, you've done another great write and I'm sure she'll love it, amazing as always Marie.

~ Noodle.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you, Noodle, if I am correct you and she are about the same age, no? I am told she did like it, that it made her think.

[s y e]

I'm turning 16 in July, so yes, roughly the same. Glad she liked it and my pleasure.

[Marie Anzalone]

We are trying to get her on the Café. If we are successful, I'd like you to meet her. You'd be a great friend and inspiration for her, and she is a pretty remarkable young woman in her own right.

[s y e]

I'd love for her to come on and to get to know her! :D That would be great. :)

[Marie Anzalone]

I will let her dad know. She could use some friends and some good news today. She's dealing with all of this stuff, and a beloved kitty in her dad's house is dying.

[s y e]

Awwww, well I'd love to read her writes and all, get to know her. Sounds great! Awwwww, poor kitty :(

[s y e]

Is she on the site, yet?

[h d e rushin]

you do this to me, I think now on purpose. poem as epiphany, as the sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something that needs discovery. (fialed homeostasis, letter to
a soul sister). and at the end there is a triumph to puase over, an epoch that begins a new period of
development. being 16 is formidable. being a 16year old teenage girl can be one of the more
terrifying conditions on earth....right behind witchcraft......right before being at cedar point and
standing in that long line for the roller coaster..

[Marie Anzalone]

Do you remember what it is like, dana, to stand in that long line for the roller coaster, ticket in hand, young and scared, knowing you had to get on it alone because no-one else had the wherewithal to go with you? Do you remember the epiphany of the top of the hill before the plunge, the world is falling through the bottom of things plunge, then the joy of the next hill climbed? I do. It is a big and scary world, and some of these poor kids are unlucky enough to be pushed out into it on their own just like that. Some of us even find ourselves alive at the end. That is the part that requires a little witchcraft, I think.

I could write entire poems based off the ideas in your reviews alone, my friend. Thank you for today's gift.

[waif]

I wonder how many of us can see some resemblance to ourselves in words like this. It is funny, when you feel this way about yourself you grow up thinking you are the only one...or feeling deficient for not being a go-getter- for putting others before yourself, or whatever. If only we could teach our girls how to find that middle, the place where they can care for others while also caring for themselves- and see the value of the space they occupy in this life.

This is beautiful, and I think many girl hearts could be lifted by such words. Here's to hoping they have someone in their lives to recognize and remind them of their value- outside of others.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you very much for this kind review, Sylvie. I read once that there is one surprising statistic that marks the difference between kids from troubled or abusive backgrounds either making it into an adulthood of resilience or not. That difference is whether or not an adult, at some crucial point in their adolescence or young adulthood, cared enough to reach out to and encourage them. It is a sobering fact to realize how many do not have someone- even more sobering to realize that it is girls like these-the non-squeaky wheels- who perhaps get overlooked the most, simply for not causing enough trouble.

[Horizon K.]

I hope she hears you... and this is insight into you as well, i presume. I wonder how much stronger it makes us, to start life this way, not having the life we want handed to us easily, socially obscure, hiding in the dim light we see ourselves in, and then, finally, stumbling upon the courage to form that backbone ourselves, and speak the words that had been frozen on tongues for all of those years. And I do know this girl ... she was me once too, so very long ago...

[Marie Anzalone]

She was you, she was me.. she was so many of us who fight every day to make it better. Men and women. We can only suppress things for so long. I was stubborn... I suppressed it all for a remarkable 28 years before I blew up. My meltdown was spectacular, more so for doing it in a foreign country when I found out my insane, fundamentalist ex who wanted me to give up my career; was molesting children in his bed at night. I look back and realize how far down someone's spirit has to be beaten for that to ever be ok, for her to accept the things I told myself I was willing to accept. That steel rod had to not just be surgically implanted, it had to be fused and cauterized into place. I sense you know exactly what I am talking about.

I hope she reads not just this piece, but the comments form people like you, strong people, resilient people- reaching out through this poem and your reviews to tell her she is not alone.

[Horizon K.]

My dear, this admission is heartbreaking... I am so glad for you that this moment came despite how late and what atrocities it took to implant that backbone into place. And that you can talk about it, aloud, also says a lot, that passionate voice of yours is now loud and no longer suppressed.... for some, these open admissions of past abuses will forever remain buried deep, never to be revealed to a single soul, even if they have been supposedly gotten over long ago...

So for this girl, I hope she does hear your words and they sink in deep. There is nothing more valuable to personal growth than having someone who inspires you with their own overcomings and accomplishments... you can do it too, young dear... we all can change, if we desire it enough...