Of Our Own

A parking lot with empty spaces ,

Young laughter fills the air.

A drifter walking through our town,

To his eye nothings there,

But in these parts he doesn’t know

That everything is here.

 

A parking lot with faded lines,

To some it would seem droll,

But they don’t know of what we have,

Oh my, how they don’t know.

 

Surrounded by a wave of hills

And paths of the unknown,

A house for every step you take,

To some this would bring woe.

 

But we escape into a world

Created by ourselves,

We write adventure!

We fill the pages!

We supply those old bookshelves.

 

We’ll leap from cliffs ,

Venture in black caves,

Escape through walls of water.

We’ll walk dirt paths!

We’ll scale up crags!

As the days grower hotter, hotter.

 

And we’ll fly down hills,

Going way too fast,

With insouciance in our eyes,

Apart of the asphalt

It’s in our blood!

We’ll ride into the night.

 

We’ll look to the skyscrapers in the night,

A building tall and new.

For each construction that we see,

A perspective too us new.

 

    And when we’re done a small back porch,

Is where we’ll sit and dwell.

To the stars we gaze,

For perseid will rain,

the dust of the heavens has fell.

 

    So Don’t listen to the pessimistic

Who say there’s nothing here,

For they can’t see what we behold,

To us there’s no frontier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

What do you think? Analyze, interpret, and critique and overall thoughts. Still some grammar issues... maybe.... still thinking of changing some of the grammar. Title coming soon.

Reviews

[Amy Whetzell]

I never critique on grammar. I enjoyed the flow of this poem, and I love the optimism you've put into it. I'm mostly pessimistic myself, but an awesome read nevertheless!

[F. Nazarov]

Personally, I loved it. It's easy to think that nothing is there, but of course there is always something, it depends at how you look at it. Eben I have been foolish at times, sitting around "waiting" for inspiration... but it has been there the entire time. This poem seems to be like an anthem for the writer and I thought it was amazing. Just saying. :P

[Jules]

you got a a lot of meaning my friend. these words tell me something important about how we can all feel the same things!

[emmajoy]

How we see the world, each of us differently - some seeing this or that, others seeing that or this .. we go through life noticing the sights and sounds, the emotions, and the events that effect the individual .. this seems to be a lesson learned from nostalgia, looking back, holding pictures in your mind, memory .. and if that lesson's learned properly, truly, we become better people in mood, in attitude.

Your poem really is a wonder, it teaches without preaching, shows what hope means 'But they don't know of what we have, Oh my, how they don't know. '

Yes, a few grammar faults, easy to correct, but a fine piece of writing nonetheless .. one to come back to.

[Concrete Angel]

I really enjoy reading your work! All of your poems seem to take on a life of their own. This one in particular makes me think of life how it should be. Optimistic and up-beat. Absolutely love the imagery and color. Keep up the good work!

[Bennett Logan]

I really enjoyed the poem. It's full of life, youth, and optimism. It puts the whole world right in front of you, as though it's right there to be attained. It feels new, fresh, and accessible. Your imagery of empty parking lots, faded lines, skyscrapers, dirt paths, and back porches is fantastic, and puts me right there in the moment. The poem is very successful in that respect. I actually think the title works very well, especially in the sense that the narrator is speaking of his friends and/or generation. I also noticed, while reading through other reviews, that everyone who left a comment/review (myself included) each got something very different from your poem, yet they still relate with what you wrote and they feel very stronly about what they read. That, sir, is the mark of a good poem!

What you have here is quite successful. The only suggestion I can make is to even further focus the poem. Read through it and take out any words or lines that aren't absolutely necessary. I also noticed several different means of mobility throughout the poem: walking, flying, riding, burrowing, etc... I get what you're expressing through each one, but they seem too scattered. I would maybe stick to one and focus your imagery around it, or arrange them closer together. Lastly, I noticed that there was a loose kind of rhyme scheme that comes and goes throughout the poem. I'd like to see what this would look like without any rhyme at all. You write well, and rhyme can sometimes make you say things that you don't necessarily want to say.

But that's about all I've got for now. I hope my critique can be of some assistance. Definitely keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more!

[hannah]

Breathtaking. It's the one word I can come up currently with that would do justice for the poem you've written. Great imagery. Your poem's simple but expressive and that's one of the things I like most in poems.

Great job.

[Jukebox]

This is an amazing poem. I loved it! I loved how you let us travel the scenes through your words and that we shouldn't let other discourage our dreams especially the one's we are taking courage to pursue. Very well done. I really enjoyed it.

[Ellen Hammond]

I like the essence of this poem. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder....while some see nothing, others see a lot. The only thing I see that really detracts from this piece is the grammar in the second to last verse.
"the dust of the heavens has fell." .........'has' should not precede 'fell' .....it should be either 'has fallen' or just 'fell' in keeping with the rhyming, "The dust of the heavens fell".

Other trhan that, it is a very enjoyable read.

[Anthony M Smith Jr]

I like the way you think. I really enjoyed your words.
TT-TTO-NI-K
Elk