A Season's Corner

A basement room

Silence fills it

What’s left to be said

It’s understood

The table speaks it all

A piece of paper with stains of rain

A mix tape drowned in ink

And a cd revealing the subtle truth

A staircase lined with pictures

Leads to an empty kitchen

Worn shoes that need to be filled

Sit near a door soon to be opened

The air hangs heavy with words unspoken

Beneath the exit a moment to embrace

I stumble down steps to a concrete path

A glance back to see what I’ve left

Behind thin glass a silhouette watches

You are a shadow that I cannot perceive 

Luminous lights line the pavement

While cars stretch down a vacant street

I’m drowning in my thoughts

A curb extends it’s greeting towards me

It offers me a port in the storm

Signs of no meaning line a bare road

They are disregarded daily

And I am in succession with them

I can be read, yet you fail to open this chapter

Just as they are ignored and passed by

To the corner I turn in hopes of an impulse

Second thoughts will always act first

And a moment shall be left unchanged

Above the sky the stars are masked

Except the occasional flicker

Caught through a hole in the atmosphere

A mackerel sky is what I reside in

An exodus is calling and if not accepted

I shall turn to an effigy left to ponder till dawn

The door opens as I am ready for course

I am going somewhere

Where you may ask I do not know

But the winds shall take me               

Followed by the faded sounds of a broken radio

I am going somewhere

Author's Note

What do you think? Analyze, interpret, and critique and overall thoughts.

Reviews

[Tim H]

I like the poem and many of the reviewers have some good and valid points. The number of reviews is perhaps a testament to the compelling nature of the poem. For me I read a story that has a beginning middle and end. Starting in the basement the deepest place in a home and figuratively the heart.
The lines : The table speaks it all

A piece of paper with stains of rain

A mix tape drowned in ink

And a cd revealing the subtle truth

Provide a motive for the narrator to leave, divorce papers? You may have to be smarter than me to figure it out.

The narrator then leaves with no place to go and no hope. My favorite line: Second thoughts will always act first

And commits suicide in the traffic maybe? So to me the poem is not all "all over the place," but telling a story.

As far as the technical elements of poetry I feel out of my element, being more of a story guy. I can't say I was put off or confused by the lack of punctuation. To tell the truth I didn't even notice until I read some the reviews. The consensus of the reviews seem to say that it would be better if it was shorter and some offer some constructive was to accomplish the goal. I also love the imagery in the poem. I like the lines: A basement room

Silence fills it

To me silence sometimes fills oppressive, like a pregnant pause and it makes sense to me.
I enjoyed the poem.

[Ellen Hammond]

You have a lot of great imagery here and a lot to digest. Seasons of change, leaving the past for an unknown furture.....hauntingly sad yet compelling.

However, it may be just me, but I find it hard to stay focused with no punctuation, and so many lines running together. I think it would be easier to to read, and not skip over lines, if it was broken into a few verses. To me, this reads more like a list of thoughts or a journal. A lot of potential but needs a little work to turn it into a great write.

[Touché Armada]

What does the silence in a basement sound like? Oh never mind, I think it goes Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
The stains of rain kind of make me thing slopped beverages because I think if table had something to say it would be all about food and beverages.
I'm wondering is a kitchen was empty would there be something to play music and picture in the hall? Or the ladies gone and emptied the kitchen cause somehow that her department and the music would be his along with a picture or two left to haunt a person.. I don't get it at that angle though cause I'd leave the kitchen at least half full and take the music.
Anyways, quite the right, very busy very loud I like it.

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Wow.. this is quite a story.. you know everyone has and holds a shadow.. everyone has a dark and light side.. the lightest can have the darkest shadows at times.. if the light does not reflect back... I am such as I am describing here.. if I am in negative surroundings I feed from it.. it in a source of light or positive energy I flourish.. like a rose.. I have some requirements to strive.. such as most people.. though there are some things in life we do have to dip into the dark.. to help. Contemplating a silhouette..a shadow and the bright lined pavement.. is the pavement truly lighter??? As one looks it would appear so.. but all roads have more than one path to take.. some leading to extreme darkness.. still we have to take chances sometimes.. but know when to ... the answer is in listening to your own heart and mind I felt here.. I was really stirred on this.. someone was offered a journey.. if they do not take it .. you should perhaps go on your own! Also sometimes reading something is not as personal as hearing it or feeling it in person.. something else to think about here. Good luck making your choice! =)

[.]

There are some things that I really like about this poem. You have some interesting, and engaging images. This helps to keep the readers attention and to make this a stronger poem. The other aspect that I liked about this poem is that I think you have an interesting idea in the concept of the whole thing. That being said, I think there are a number of ways you could improve this poem. The best way I can describe my first suggestion here is pruning. There is a lot that you can trim out of this poem that is basically fluff. Take this line for example: "A curb extends it's greeting towards me/it offers me a port in the storm". The curb is doing two things here, but you draw out these two things without adding a reason. You could reword these two lines to be: a curb extends its greeting towards me, a port in the storm. I feel that the flow is better in the revised version. It doesn't have the repetition that it does in the original. Another example would be the beginning. the second, third, and fourth lines could be phrased in a way that flows easier than it currently does. You're going for a sense of finality in the word "understood." "What's left to be said" is a little redundant because you have the silence and understood on both sides of it. Then you have another sense of finality with "a table speaks it all." these first 5 lines can be combined so that you're point still gets across, and is a little less wordy and choppy. This is one way to do it: in a silent basement room/a table speaks it all. This way also enhances the image that you have here (which I like by the way) by putting the focus on the talking table. Because a talking table is an odd image, it gets the readers attention and can make them want to read more. Now I've talked a little about flow, and I think I have a few more suggestions about it. I wonder about the lack of punctuation. It throws me off a little because there are clear distinctions in your images and scenes in the poem, but the lack of punctuation attempts to blur them together. For me, they are too disjointed to flow together, so I think that adding periods and commas would benefit the story and not throw off the reader. I think once you do that though, you will find that you have a very choppy poem. Now there's nothing wrong with choppy, but I would suggest throwing in some longer images for two reasons. 1) they allow a break for the reader, they get something different and stay engaged in the story. 2) it allows you to add emphasis to certain aspects of the poem and develop certain images a little more. I think adding something like that into your poem would help to bring it to life. I hope my suggestion help some. Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions about what I said. I think you have a good start here and could really turn this poem into something.

[DaGirlNxtDoor]

awesome poem :] very creative....love it a lot!

[Domo]

Great poem, and a peaceful one at that. I thought this poem was interesting for the spoken words. Great poem and keep up the good work! ☺
~Dominic~

[JC]

For me this is a spirit caught between worlds, unable to pass from one to next or perhaps in transist.

I agree, great imagery, I could see myself going along with the writer.


Thanks for the invite!

JC

[J Carly]

I really like the imagery in this piece. Great descriptives. Also, I love how you leave it to the reader to fill in the blanks. The words unspoken (or rather, unwritten) in this piece, really say it all for me. It was a lovely read. Thank you for the read request.

My favorite lines:

"An exodus is calling and if not accepted

I shall turn to an effigy left to ponder till dawn"

Brilliant!

[d. c. smith]

great imagery. leaves you wondering if you are leaving because of defeat? spontaneity? what, exactly?

"Sit near a door soon to be opened
The air hangs heavy with words unspoken"