That Feeling

I'm not the only one who gets these feelings, the ones that tell you its time to go. And I'm not even sure of where I want to go. I just know that I've felt this before, and for a gypsy soul like mine, it's not something to fight off. And so it's that time again, you know, the part of life where everything seems so tangled up and in such disarray that the only way to clear it out is to start fresh, new. I’ve been told that the feeling of running away is one that can get me in trouble. But this time it feels right.

 This chapter that’s so shuffled up and strewn across the last few years is coming to an end. It hasn’t been the longest part of the story of my life, but it has most certainly been the most emotionally fulfilling and yet draining of all my previous intervals put together.

5 years ago my life changed. I was in a new place with people I had no idea that I would grow to love. I was lost, strung out, emotionally depleted and spiritually dead. And then I found something new. I cleaned up. I found life inside that I thought had all but died. I learned to live, to breathe, and to love. I learned to laugh and to smile; I remembered how to love me, again. The life I found here in this place, in this paradise by the sea, with palm trees and sunshine at every turn, this life has been miraculous, to say the least.

And the love that I found, that I’ve built has compared to none. I have filled my soul with astonishing passion and I have composed emotions inside of me that have left me speechless with only tears to express the depth of feeling that have come from moments of true peace and clarity. I have lived here in this place, with these people, with this air, and I have found life again. But not everything lasts forever.

The debt that I owe to all the beings that have given me the chance to be me again is one that I will never truly be able to pay. How can I ever tell the man that I’ve loved and lost that all that we have done has taken me to the places that I knew existed but had never really been. The love that I have gained for myself, for him, for life, is the kind you see in movies. The heartache that comes with letting something or someone go is one that I can now bare with a smile. I know that I have learned what I came here to learn, and he has shown me what I needed to see. I haven’t always walked with grace or dignity but today, because of my time here, I am a woman anew.

 I hold my head high and hope that I can someday have an impact on others as they have had on me. Maybe someone sees life a little differently since I have come into theirs. I wonder if anyone will blush a little more, or laugh a little differently because of something I might have said.  Will anyone remember the girl who came here and know the difference that time has made?  I hope that when they think of me I won’t just be a memory drowned out in a crowded mind but that I’ll stand out, loud and clear, a voice inside their head that says ‘do what is true to you, and don’t be ashamed’. Because if there is anything I’ve learned in this life, today, it’s that I am wonderfully me and I follow my truth, no matter who else believes. And today that is why I smile.

And now that feeling comes again, the one that it’s time to go. But this time I just want to stroll slowly into this new episode with eyes wide open, mind cleared, and heart ready for all that will come. I want to go on to a new place where the air tastes different, and the sky doesn’t look the same. I want another view, something I haven’t seen before. I want to play out that movie scene, you know, the one where the single mother packs up her kids and their belongings and rides off into a new and better life. A different life, with new experiences and new lessons to be learned, awaits us on the other side of the highway. And we go, we drive to another part of the world where we start again, and we smile because we know that we will be okay.

I’m not running away, there’s no fear that what I leave behind might catch up to me one day. I’ve made my peace and I go with clear conscience. I’m running to. There’s another chapter in this story of mine just begging to be written. I don’t know what comes next, but what seems true is that all that these fingers type, all that my eyes see, the words that my lips say, and all that my heart feels tells me that this chapter is over. It’s time to start anew.