Courthouse Vibrations

A day in the life of me

I have a friend who keeps saying that I should write a book. Or at least do a column to express the ridiculousness of my daily life. Although most of my drama filled youth has passed me by, at the end of the day I still seem to look around in bewilderment, wondering what just happened. Most of the time I am left laughing at myself, and others, for what has occurred in this comical life. For those unfamiliar with the personality encompassed inside this body, let me state that I am anything but shy. I lack the ability to be prim and proper, and even if that particular trait was instilled in me I think that I would rebel against its use. I am self-proclaimed crude. And I am completely okay with that. Others humans, on the other hand, may not be. Although I would not proclaim to be a mainstream girl, I declare to you that my life is one of humor and fun. The experiences in this life only strengthen my ability to laugh at and love myself. Of course, I am human, thus a small portion of me hopes that you will like me. Someday I hope to directly quote Sally Fields as I stand on a national stage and say “You like me! You really, really like me”! Okay, that may be a bit dramatic and a false statement all in one. What I really hope is that you will be able to laugh the way I do. And so the story goes…..

A few months ago my husband and I were visiting a group of friends a few hours south of where we live. There was going to be a surprise party that weekend for two of the individuals in our close-knit group, and my closest friend and I decided to visit a store in the mall that sold novelty items. Now let me be completely clear and uninhibited. The items sold in this store were ones of sexual content, among other things. There were blow up sex dolls, and little school girl outfits for the women to dress in. There were lotions and prophylactics as well as little battery operated toys. This is where I found my little present to myself. It was about five inches long and purple and required only one battery. It was compact, easy to hide, and just as easy to use. And so, I strolled right up to the counter and without any hesitation I pulled out my hard earned money and purchased my little friend. Now, this wasn’t the first vibrator, yes vibrator, which I have bought. It really wasn’t a big deal. So, I put the bag in my purse and off we went. When we got back to my friends home I took a battery from her supply and put it right inside that little mechanical toy. Not for use at that moment, of course, but just so it was ready whenever the right time presented itself. I then went about my life and forgot I had that cute little thing right there in my purse.

A few weeks later I had an appointment to attend. I was to be a character witness for a friend who was in the middle of a custody battle over his daughter. Let me state that my good character put me right at the top of the list as the main witness for the case. As I arrived at the courthouse I gathered my belongs, making sure to leave my keys and my phone out of the purse as I would just put those right into the basket that was to pass through the x-ray machine. I placed my things on the conveyor belt and then walked between the metal detectors myself. As the guard had me stand, arms outstretched and legs apart, she passed the wand up and down my body, top to bottom, front to back. I was cleared. As I walked over to retrieve my belongings that I had so graciously offered up for examination, I watched as the security guard at the machine placed my bag on the conveyor belt for a second time. I truly didn’t think anything of it, even as he pushed the hold button, cocked his head a little to the right, and took a confused look at what was on the screen. He then asked if I would mind if he looked into my purse. He had noticed some pens, among other things, and then something that looked like a flashlight. I had no arguments. At that moment, I myself was unsure of what I was seeing on that screen. So we proceeded to the end of the table and I began to empty the contents one by one. I took my wallet out first, then my planner where I keep my calendar of appointments. I removed my small bag of makeup as well. I then thoughtlessly unzipped the compartment that held my pens. I knew these were in there, no question. As I got to the bottom of that pocket I felt something odd. For a moment I didn’t know what exactly it was that I was touching. And then in horror I came to realize that my little purple battery operated friend had been left in the deep hole in that purse. Poor little toy. I quickly jumped into action and begun to spin the bottom off so that I might simply show the battery to the officer in hopes that it would be sufficient. As he watched me hurriedly working inside the bag he saw what my hands are working on and confusedly asked ‘what kind of flashlight is that’?  Without thinking I pushed the virbrator deeper inside the compartment and exclaimed ‘I don’t know! It’s my son’s’! Now let me say that I have no idea where that reply came from except that I am rarely embarrassed and in need of a quick response. So, that is the answer he got. At that very precise moment, looking right into my eyes, he understood exactly what he had just seen. And just like that, he turned away and replied ‘you’re fine, you can go on through’. I quickly put all my things back into that purse and walked only feet away before I burst out in hilarious laughter right there in the middle of the courthouse. I entered the elevator still laughing and had not quite gained my composure even ten minutes later when my friend and his attorney exited the courtroom for a quick break. There was nothing I could do except fill them in on the humor of the day. Yes. It all happened right there, to me, a main character witness. The trial proceeded on without any hitches or hints of what had just happened. I decided against sharing the experience with the judge. I do have some coothe. When it came time to leave I took the elevator down to the exit floor, and as I walked right between the two security guards on the right and the two deputy sheriffs on the left, the man I had shared this 3 minute span of my life with, declared, in no uncertain terms and with no intention of secrecy, that yes, I was the girl. And so I laughed all the way to my car.

Throughout the day I could not help but to share my experience with some of my friends, all four hundred plus on Facebook. Again, I am in no way a shy woman.

The next day came and as I was unable to finish my part of the trial the day before I had been asked to return and proceed again. In my thoughtfulness, I decided to change my belongings, minus the toy, to a different purse. I curled my hair, as it was straight the day before, and applied my make-up differently in hopes that I might slide through that metal detector unnoticed. My plan, however, was foiled. As I once again passed through the machine and waited on my belongings I received a warm hello along with ‘you came back’. So much for blending into the crowd.

Now, I’m not sure if anyone else has ever done this. I cannot be the only thirty-something year old woman with a vibrator in her purse. There must be others like myself on this earth. So, without knowing any of these other potential uninhibited females, I say “Welcome to my world” as go about sharing this humorous life with others. If you are unable to laugh at yourself, I offer myself to you, to laugh at as you please. I truly enjoy being of some worldly service to others.