important thoughts

 

There are so many down sides to life that I can see. I feel terrible, words really cannot describe. By no means do I think that it’s pointless to think positive and look on the bright side, people who say that annoy me, with me it’s the opposite actually. I think about death, and the huge possibility that there is no God or afterlife, and it just makes me feel f*****g ill, and I always think; I wish I was happy, not as in putting on a smile in public and things like that (which probably makes it worse), but truly happy. There are certain people I know that appear to be genuinely happy, and unlike me I think I can tell that they really are, and I’m jealous to be honest. I often think about how nice it would be to have the sort of mind that doesn’t have to think about death, personal appearance, social problems, virginity. All that s**t, all the f*****g time. I am not ‘big-headed,’ but I do think that I understand a lot about how everyone’s mind works and how to ‘read’ people (probably because of all the time I spend trying to figure out my fucked up mind), and I am intelligent, and so what annoys me most is that I do not understand why I feel the way I do and I know that life can be a brilliant thing. I fully understand that life is to be enjoyed, and there are so many reasons to enjoy it and so many things in the world that are enjoyable, yet every day I look at the negative side of things, I think about death and how even if heaven was real any sort of immortality would in itself be torture (life is a lose lose situation), I worry about my unpopularity and insufficient socialising with females (even though ‘deep down’ I know that I am not unpopular and some girls even find me attractive and sexy), I look in the mirror and get angry and feel dissatisfied (again, even thought I know deep down that I am quite attractive to some people), I think about my friends and get unhealthily angry with them for a reason I don’t know, I get even more emotional when I think about people I do not like, and sometimes I even think about suicide and worrying s**t like that which I would probably never do. Again, the reason I would not do that is not because I don’t feel bad enough, but because I am very intelligent and can see the things in life that should be great fun and I just hope that one day soon I will break free of whatever illness it is that is ruining my life. On a positive note, I try hard to experience real happiness whenever I can, and I try often to see the reasoning of religion. Hopefully one day I will be happy and feel genuinely convinced by the theory of God and heaven. I will finally be at peace WHEN that happens, (positive thinking, haha).

This is how I feel: I WANT TO MEET A LOVELY GIRL THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY!!! I WANT TO LOVE MY SOCIAL LIFE AND COME AWAY FROM SOCIALISING THINKING ‘YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD, I AM HAPPY!!!’ I WANT LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FEEL PRIDE AND JOY AT MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE!!! I JUST WANT TO BE F*****G HAPPY RIGH-F*****G-NOW!!!

So you see, I’m not being silly and irrational, I am just depressed, very badly I think.

Author's Note

swearing