where are you?

where do i go from here?
the memories of you are all around me and i cannot escape them.
no matter how hard i try, you're all that i can seem to think about.
yet, you're the one topic i tend to run away from.

at one point we were strangers, just two people existing in the same place.
then through the relationship between you and one of my close friends, we became aware of the other.
at first it was just a simple friendship, nothing complicated.
but little did we know that we would end up like this.

even after that relationship ended we found ourselves to be pretty close friends.
then as the year went on we became best friends.
we told each other everything and respected what the other had to say about it.
it was as if we had known each other our whole lives.

you knew everything there was to know about me, except that i had fallen in love with you.
but apparently, you were keeping the same secret to yourself.
you were the only guy that i have ever let see me cry.
i laid my heart out on the ground for you.

then one day, you decided you would make the move to bring our relationship to the next level by asking me to be your girlfriend.
of course i said yes and our relationship began.
our friends were all ecstatic about the news and wondered why it took so long.

the first time we kissed was crazy.
unexpected and wanted.
it was exactly what i needed to bring me back to myself.
it was the first time in a very long time that i can say i felt alive.

but the pressure to constantly be around each other was too much for us.
we ended our relationship but stayed friends.
we were fine for a while and we still just as close as we were before.
i was so grateful to have a friend like you.

then after one, unplanned and unexpected night where all of our built of feelings were released, everything changed.
we both realized that the feelings were still there and were exploding.
a sense of relief was shared.

but as soon as one person found out, everything fell apart.
you looked me in the eye and said that you hated me.
even though it wasnt my fault, i sure felt like it was.
i fell apart.

soon i realized once we stopped talking that you were pretty much the only person i had to really talk with.
i had never felt so alone in my whole life.
you left me there with nothing.

it's been a while but the pain is still here.
i'm better at hiding it now until someone brings you up in a conversation.
then i fall apart all over again.
it's like i had my heart ripped from my chest.

i still look at your messages sometimes because it gives me comfort that i haven't always been like this.
i'm fine until i get to the one that says, "i'll always be here for you, no matter what. (:"
this is what makes me fall apart.
especially because right now, when i need you the most, you're not here.

i cry myself to sleep every night because of this.
i miss you so much.
and if you promised that you'd always be here, then why did you leave me here to die?
all i want is to see you again, but i cant.

i'm scared that if i do, i'll fall apart again.
and that you will reinstate the fact that you hate me.
and that it will hit me that i screwed up.
and i'll feel again.

even though you're not always going to be there for me, i'll always be here for you.
no matter how much you hurt me and how much i hurt you.
we were two broken people when we were together.
and now you're fine while i'm dying.