Dear Boy, Love Girl

A letter to someone that I usually can't find the words for.

Dear Boy,

 

            I know it seems that I’m being shallow by walking away from you. I can’t decide what it is that I want. On the one hand, I love you more than anything in the world and want nothing more than to see you happy. On the other hand, I know full and well that the way you treated me is not the way that anyone deserved to be treated. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I irrevocably love you.

 

            I was fine until about two o’clock yesterday, and then it hit me like a freight train. I miss you. I don’t know how to handle it. I know that if I were to go back to you now, things would be exactly the same as they were, no matter how much I want to believe that they wouldn’t be. Still, every time I see your face my heart gets ripped open again. How can I stand to look at you, when I know that the eyes looking back at me are those of the person that I love the most?

 

            I want so many things, but I can’t decide what’s best. I want it to work between us. I really do… I’m sure that it’s what you want too. I’ve come to understand that life has a way of throwing a wrench in even your most perfect plans. But how can I go back to you with the knowledge that it would be exactly the same? I know you’re trying, but still it may not be enough. I wish you could understand how I’m feeling. Just step into my shoes for a minute, and take a peek into the mass chaos that is the war of head versus heart.

 

            I was so tired of feeling second best, of feeling like I wasn’t good enough. You made me hate myself, because I didn’t fit the mold you’ve made for me. The truth is, I really wanted to fill that space for you. I would have done anything for you. I don’t know how I should feel. I suppose it’s normal to feel like my heart is caving in every time I see your face, and to want to cry every time someone speaks your name.

 

            Do you want to know what hurts the most? It’s not that you lied, or called me names, or even that you ignored me to hang out with your friends. It’s that you sat there and looked me in the eyes, saying that you loved me and that you would never hurt me, and then proceeded to do it anyway. Why not just twist the knife a little more?

 

            I decided for myself that it would be best for me to back away from you, to separate myself and prepare for the break to come. I waited for you to come to me. I didn’t approach you like I normally did. I wasn’t the first to say that I loved you. I waited for you to call, and you never did, exactly like I said you would. I promised myself that I would never go through this again, that this time I would get it right. But yet here I stand, right back in the same abyss that I found myself in almost three years ago. It’s funny how it’s a vicious cycle.

 

            I’m at the point where I’m not going to try. If it works, then it works, but if it doesn’t then it was fun while it lasted. I’m not going to push myself to get back into a relationship with you or anyone else right now, no matter how much I still love you. I suppose that since I have always loved you, and still love you, that I will always love you. I gave all of myself to you, and still it wasn’t enough.

 

            I don’t understand why it hurts me so much to look at you and see your pain. I guess it’s because I know that I caused it, though you started the fight and I finished it. I always told you that I could hurt you more than you could ever hurt me. Do you believe me now? I don’t want to be cruel, but I can’t help it.

 

            There are so many things that I want to say to you, but I can’t find the words. I want to scream at you. I want to cry on your shoulder. I want to laugh with you until my chest hurts and I can’t breathe. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up knowing that everything will be okay.  Unfortunately, things don’t always happen the way that we want them to. We’ve got to come to terms with the fact that neither of us will ever be the same. We’ve left such scars on each other that we may never heal, and if we do, we will never be able to function quite normally.

 

            We were like puzzle pieces, you and me. Now the pieces just don’t seem to fit quite right. There was no room in your life for me anymore. I didn’t match up with the life you wanted for yourself. I didn’t match with the friends you chose and the choices you made. I remember saying to you, “Then why do you need me, if you’ve got all of your friends?” You never answered me. I suppose that you didn’t realize what a big part of your life I was until I was no longer there. It’s a cruel irony… But life is a b***h that way.

 

            I would tell you that I need time, but I don’t know if time is even enough. I need proof that you are changing, and that you want me in your life because you genuinely love me and not just because you don’t think you could get anyone else. You respond with, “But I love you….” Sometimes love just isn’t enough. I needed more than just the material things that you gave me. Hell, I could’ve survived without a gift from you my entire life as long as you loved me in the way that I needed to be loved. I told you on many occasions that presents and jewelry are nice, but I don’t need all of those things. All I wanted was you.

 

            We promised one another so many things… It’s strange to think back on it now. I wanted to spend my life with you, and then I saw it going in a direction that was not the way that we should have been going. I want you to try and heal the best you can. I want you to carry the knowledge that I loved you, love you, and will always love you, even if I can’t be with you. You’ve left your mark on my heart, and I’ve left mine on yours.

 

            It’s funny because I wouldn’t trade a minute of it… If I had known how it would end, how everything I wanted would go up in a blaze of glory, I would have loved you any way.

 

 

Love,

   Girl

 

Reviews

[Susan M]

I totally disagree with Naiya. Maybe it's somewhat abstract but I don't know anyone (who is an adult) who hasn't had a similar experience. Anyone who HAS had something similar will know exactly what you're talking about! While I read this, I thought of my Big Love That Should Never Have Happened. It was a rollercoaster ride from the start and it ended horribly but, like Girl, I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Good on you, Girl!

[Nocturne]

Well, I feel somewhat shallow offering a critique on a piece that's potentially a personal letter, but I'm going to assume that since this is online, and on a writing site, then it's supposed to be a written piece, able to stand on its own as art.

My first thought is that in parts it's wordy. "I can't decide what it is that I want." -> "I can't decide what I want."

or

"Still, it doesn't change the fact that I irrevocably love you." -> "Still, I love you"

Though yes, I see how you might want the longer form for style. I just feel that the extra words are pointless and add little to the overall prose. Also, a short line like "I love you" is snappier and more dramatic in the overall scheme of things.

As for some content thoughts, the overall piece is somewhat abstract.

It is important to make the reader be able to visualize what is happening, what happened, and to appeal to the imagination. Perhaps more of a focus on how things appear and a snapshot of what things look like, sound like, feel like would let the reader come up with the abstract ideas like "oh, this is sad", and "oh, the narrator must feel horrible" instead of the story telling the reader that. The reader doesn't know you or your situation, and so can't really imagine it. Personally, I don't read writing to be forced to make something up on the spot, I read it to experience someone elses world and experiences.

It seems to me that the greatest challenge that you face in this letter is the sheer magnitude of the emotion and ideas that you are attempting to convey. Sometimes it's easier to focus in on one tiny aspect and show how the greater whole is reflected in that one small and ordinary thing. [This is just something that I've found helps me tackle large concepts].

Overall, I feel that you're not focusing enough on the reader and on making this clear for people who do not know about the people you speak. This poem seems more of a journal-letter, documenting your feelings about this person, who you do know, and who the reader has never met. This isn't a bad thing if you were writing this just for yourself and for a closed circle of friends who all know exactly what went down.

I hope my thoughts help. Again, a strong emotional current running throughout and a good focus on emotion. Kudos for tackling such a difficult and charged subject.

Best of luck,
Naiya

[KEi]

I can feel the sincerity from here.
O_O

I love this piece, and I love the style of writing. Like I said, it's sincere.
It reminds me of that song by Garth Brooks, "The Dance". Looking back on it all, and knowing how it wouldn't turn out, but knowing you wouldn't want to change a second of it and end up missing the good parts.
Love it.
:)