A Happy Dynasty of Kertoove

Just a short story I wrote for fun. My first stab at a story since a terrible assignment in highschool. Note that: kartoof = singular form, kertoove = plural form

Once upon a time in a land called Hilltop Mountain there lived, in peace, a dynasty of kertoove. But it had not always been that way. In past times, they had been a myriad of different tribes, sometimes at war, but always distrustful of one another. This continued for several generations until one day a bold kartoof who believed he could unite his species set out in search of ideas. In his journeys to far away countries he decided that a common threat was the best way to unify a species. So he returned to his homeland and made the long, tiresome journey up the giant redwoods at the top of the mountain to the territory of the golden eagles. Eight days he climbed, thinking only of the good he could accomplish, but the fastest climber of the species had forgotten about food. Halfway through the journey his hunger grew exponentially and he couldn't stop himself from licking up the blood that was trickling down from the eagles' prey. This was his only sure source of sustenance.

When he finally reached the top, it was nightfall and all of the eagles were fast asleep. He looked around and saw the body of his father who had apparently become the prey of the eagles. He slowly ran across to him, careful not to wake his future enemy, hoping... But his father was clawed up; his eyes and most of his intestines had been eaten away. He knelt over his father and let out a quiet sigh of sadness. As soon as he did this his father's hand grabbed his arm! He was still alive!

Too weak to talk, he telepathesized to him saying, "Son! Help me! I’m in terrible pain!"

The son telepathically replied, "Father! Tell me what I can do for you and I'll quickly do it!"

"Give me some weed!"

"Father, you know I have never smoked weed!" he said in disgust, his hunger again growing exponentially.

"Please son! I won't be mad at you. You have no idea how much pain I am in! Just give me some of your stash!"

This was too much, his anger and hunger consumed him. He let out a telepathic yell and ripped his father's still beating heart out of him and ate it. This would finally stop the false accusations! He continued with his meal by cutting out every part of flesh he could get to and devouring that too, careful not to make a sound.

He stood up; he had to complete his task. He hopped across the treetops until he arrived at the most beautiful nest he had ever seen. The king's nest was silver inlaid with gold and the gold inlaid with platinum and diamonds. It was the prize of the eagle kingdom and the most valuable home north of the Antarctic where the emperor penguins lavishly reigned supreme. The lone kartoof crept along the edge of the nest, looking for the golden princess. Then he saw her, about three times his size, her feathers glistening in the moonlight, her beak delicate yet strong. This is what he came for. This was the princess of the golden eagles. He pulled out his Godzilla Tape (which is similar to Duck Tape or Gorilla Tape but is many times stronger and specifically designed so that it unrolls without making a noise) and went to work. First, he fashioned some leaves into a parachute for the quick getaway, then he wrapped the princess's beak, feet, and wings so that she could neither move, nor squeak. He left a note that read "-Kertüv, Ishlek il gafkoob" which roughly translates to "Taken by force -The Kertoove". He held on to the princess tight as he lobbed her into the middle of the nest through the hole used for prey watching. While falling he used some more Godzilla Tape to secure her to the parachute and when they were out of earshot of the eagles, he opened it, allowing around 35 minutes to reach the bottom. During this time he realized that, being a surface dwelling species, he would have to dig a hole to safely and secretly hide the princess.

Upon reaching the bottom, he injected the princess with a serum (for which there was no antidote) that would make her sleep for 72 hours so he would have time to dig the hole and not have to feed her. After using his Godzilla Tape to fashion a shovel using the pieces of a broken shovel, he broke into the mage's house with it and stole an explode-some-stuff potion and a put-something-in-a-hole potion, he opted for the one that would allow the thing in the hole to be kept in suspended animation. He quickly ran back to the parachute covered princess and threw some put-something-in-a-hole potion on her; she was instantly underground. By this time it was only 3 hours till dawn which left him just enough time to sleep and warn everyone. So he went home and settled in for the night.

After his standard 2½ hour sleep he hopped up and ran through the villages yelling and warning them that the eagles were coming to attack them all. He made sure to tell all the tribes' leaders of the danger. They all thought he was an idiot. The elders tried to comfort the population telling them that, though they were the eagles' favorite food, there had never been an actual war between them because it benefitted the eagles to let the kertoove population grow. The elders' words only slightly comforted the kertoove so they readied and sharpened their weapons just in case.

By the time the sun was at its peak, the land of the kertoove was dark from all the eagles circling overhead. The children hid in the houses while the women and men of each tribe stood on their rooftops armed with their bows and arrows and swords. At first the champion archer women from each tribe were shooting at the fat kertoove of neighboring tribes in hopes that the eagles would leave if they just got enough free food. But after 100 kertoove had fallen and no eagles had come down to take them, they could see that it would not be that easy.

One tribe decided to start a large bonfire, for eagles detest breathing the smoke of fires. Another tribe started digging basements for their houses to use to securely wait out the immanent war. Another tribe did rain-dances in hopes that the eagles would be struck by lightning. The other tribes just stood around watching to see what would happen next and if the other tribes' ideas would work. After the first tribe ran out of stuff to burn, the eagles started dropping coconuts wrapped with porcupine skin with the quills still attached on the second tribe, and no clouds showed up for the third, the other tribes decided that those were bad ideas.

The kartoof who had captured the eagle princess started suggesting that they should join forces and buy some jetpacks and they could all attack the eagles at the same time. So a group was secretly dispatched to the Midwayup Mountain folk who had invented and perfected the jetpack to buy as many as they had. Meanwhile the eagles started making dives at the kertoove who were alone on their rooftops without any nearby neighbors. The Princess’s Capturer again suggested that they should work together, saying they should get off their individual rooftops and all gather in the Olympic Fields where they could defend each other if an eagle tried snatching up a fellow kartoof. For fear of death, they all agreed. As they gathered an eagle swooped down to catch a small kartoof child running towards the fields, but was instead pierced by a thousand arrows and was dead shortly after it hit the ground. Shortly afterwards the group came back with the jetpacks wondering why all the kertoove of every tribe were in the Olympic Fields together. The Princess’s Capturer explained it to them as they passed out the jetpack instruction manuals and was surprised to hear that the Midwayup Mountain folk had thrown in a free lightsaber for each jetpack.

"These things are powered by body heat?!" a surprised kartoof exclaimed.

"Shut up! It's called a surprise attack for a reason, idiot!" was the reply.

Someone in the crowd was heard complaining about his house being broken into.

After they learned how to use the jetpacks they took to the sky with their swords and lightsabers. The battle continued for hours until the Olympic Fields were wet and red with the blood of both eagle and kartoof. The golden eagle king flew up and attacked every tribe leader, demanding to know why they took her. After seeing the same thing happen to the other tribes’ leaders as happened to them they met up on the ground and discussed who they thought the eagle king was talking about. They finally decided to elect one of themselves to go back and ask the king. Though this was a dangerous task, it was worth many cool points in the villages so the youngest of the tribes' leaders stepped up to the task.

After donning his jet pack, the young tribe leader, Azul, sped away up to the eagle king and asked to know who he was talking about, for the tribes’ leaders had no idea. The eagle king told him that his daughter had been captured in the night and a note was left implicating the kertoove. Azul again assured him that the tribes' leaders knew nothing about that, but that they would investigate and if the fiend be among the kertoove that they would be handed over for punishment by the golden eagles.

On the way back down to the other tribes' leaders Azul thought about where an eagle could even be hidden, after all, they were huge, so the hiding spot would have to be too. He discussed this with the other tribes’ leaders and the leader of the biggest tribe told them that he had a device that could detect when eagles are getting close to it. After they stopped calling him names for keeping that kind of technology from all of them, they went to retrieve it. On the way, they passed by the old mage who was still complaining about his house being broken into. When asked if anything had been taken, the mage told them his two favorite potions had been taken, his explode-some-stuff and put-something-in-a-hole potions. After hearing that, they knew, if a kartoof had captured the eagle princess, exactly where they had hid her! So they grabbed the mage and sped off to get the Eagle Detector 3000 and quickly flew around near the ground in their jetpacks, hoping the princess had not been exploded then buried.

They finally detected her near the ruins of Uil Jxeu Lingq and asked the mage if he had any of his famous unbury-stuff potions with him which, of course, he did. They took it out and threw it all around on the ground so as not to miss a spot and not unbury the princess. She reappeared on the surface, still asleep. The kertoove leaders took the Godzilla Tape off of her and tried to wake her but their attempts were unsuccessful. Thinking her captor may have put her in a coma telepathically, they entered her memories and saw who it was that had captured her. They searched out the villain and saw him watching the battle from afar.

They sneaked up behind him and wrestled him to the ground, demanding to know why he had captured the golden princess.

He replied that he had just wanted unity of the tribes, and love one for another, “just peace and love.”

Azul slapped him and asked if he was a hippy.

Aggravated, the Princess’s Capturer replied "no!" and again tried to explain how everything he did, he did for the good of his species.

Azul replied, "Is it good for our species to be at war with the eagles and for more than half of us to be killed?!"

"Yes, if it will lead to eventual peace and unification" he said, and then talked about how it wasn't easy for him either, that he had to eat his own father for sustenance.

At hearing that he had committed murder and cannibalism, the tribes’ leaders had had enough, Azul knocked him unconscious and they probed his mind to find out what he had done to the golden princess. They were glad to find that she was only sleeping. With the princess and the perpetrator, the tribes’ leaders saw a great opportunity in their grasp and again Azul volunteered for the task. Azul telepathesized to all the kertoove that they should stop fighting the eagles and return to the ground.

Meanwhile he met with the king of the golden eagles and requested he halt his species as well. The king did so and asked if he had found his daughter. Azul replied that they had found the golden princess in perfect health and her captor as well and that he would gladly hand them over on one condition: that the eagles would never again attack a kartoof, except the captor of course, and that if the kertoove ever got into another war that the eagles would help them fight their enemies. The eagle king was flabbergasted and threatened to continue the war. Azul told him that if he did so, the golden princess would surely die. He gave the king 2 days to decide.

At the end of the second day, Azul again met with the eagle king. Unbeknownst to him, his daughter's three day sleep was nearly at an end. She was completely unbound and would be able to fly away when she awoke. Though the kertoove were the eagles’ favorite delicacy, the king submitted to Azul's terms in able to see his daughter again and to punish her captor. On the ground, the golden princess awakened, confused and hungry.

Azul told the king to screech and his daughter would return to him and the captor would be brought. The king let out a "wee-aaaaaaaaa" and the Princess’s Captor was brought up by the tribes' leaders and the golden princess returned, still confused and hungry. When she saw the kartoof who captured her she went into a rage and the eagle king told her she could do what she willed with him as part of a treaty. So she grabbed him in her talons, tore his limbs off, bit his head off and satisfied her hunger by completely devouring him. Azul and the eagle king nodded to each other as a confirmation of their agreement and the tribes' leaders all descended back down to the ground.

Despite the source of the idea, the kertoove decided to unite under one leader and become a dynasty. Azul was unanimously selected as ruler and has since passed the rule down to his noble son. There has been peace on the mountain since the day the golden princess was returned and the kertoove have since learned the way of The Force.

The End.

Author's Note

I know the paragraph breaks might be off in places so...if they are, just ignore them.