Saving Time

I would tell you the time but

the clocks have melted,

have drip dripped their

molten minutes

down the wall,

numbers running

like mascara.

Grab a saucepan

to catch the candle wax!

Only then might we endeavour

to see dawn,

banking sand to refill

the hour glass,

even as it slips once more

through these clumsy fingers,

working relentlessly

slaves of time and motion.

Reviews

[once upon a time]

Good!

[quinfinn]

i love your use of metaphor in this and you paint a vivid picture that time is relevant...interesting. i have written of the postulation that time and space can warp and cross over each other and the possibilities are endless, such fun! very clever write, i love it!

[gloomysundays]

I liked the poem in general. What I didn't like was your structuring.

Reading it all in my head, I felt like I was blanking out every time you started a new line. Reading it out loud, I sounded like I was having an asthma attack. Poetry must have rhythm. Your rhythm is very off to the point where I developed a slight migraine.

"I would tell you the time,
but the clocks have melted.
They have dripped their molten minutes
down the wall,
numbers running like mascara."

That's a bit of an example of how I would have structure things. Spelling, grammar, etc all seems to be in order and the story behind the poem is rather interesting. Good luck and happy writing!

Cheers.
78/100

[SHEEMA HUQ]

reads a little like a concise reiview of of a Dali painting, nice work

[New Dawn]

thank you, you are right. I had the idea of the clock melting and then looked for one of the famous paintings to accompany it

[Neville]

Fantastic piece of surrealism, feels like someone slipped me an acid tab - keep them coming, because i will keep reading. All Good Things, Neville

[New Dawn]

Thanks Neville - I was considering the way in which time seems to get away from you and how pointless it is to try and change that

[Neville]

Quite right, frightening sometimes. AGT's N

[Dr. Wood ?]

We are all slaves of time...this poem was clever...sand running through the clumsy fingers and those Dali clocks melting, allowing time to slip away and laugh at the futile attempts to stop it....

[New Dawn]

Thank you Doc - i was thinking of time slipping by and one strange thought led to another and then I came across the perfect picture to compliment what I was trying to say. Really glad you liked it

[Rosalind Gale]

I truly love this Shelley. I loved the way it dripped words, I mean, it melts the reader too, even though those are words within. I tripped through time as I read this, happy for now, to be a slave to the poetic.

Much love
Rosa
-x-

[New Dawn]

Thank you Rosa, i was trying to convey how time gets away from us and how fruitless our efforts to keep hold on it are. Thank you for review. Few real life issues at moment so may not be on site that much but will hopefully back on line soon

[Rosalind Gale]

Big hugs and love -
-x-

[Nautili]

I truly enjoyed this....it was a great metaphor for time running from us....

[...]

. ah ... brilliance ... those first two lines are stunning ... what an opening ... and then "molten minutes" ... and the "mascara" image ... are uniquely poetic ... the "saucepan" image is an interesting startler ... "banking sand" is incredible ... and the last two lines are incredible beyond incredible ... this is a masterpiece, dear shelley ... one that i shan't ever forget ...

[New Dawn]

Thank you Serah - not sure where this came from - was just considering how we are so ruled by time in all its recorded form

[...]

. you're very welcome, dear shelley ... the imagery in this piece and the word play is so stunning that my eyes popped out ... the more i read you, the more i realize what it takes to be close friends with brevity and poetic precision ... i learn a lot from you each and every time i read you ... and ... you don't even demand a fee :P ...