A conversation with a Unicorn

My answer to Christopher Kneipp's challenge in Phantastic Phantasy where he asks for a very short story of a first encounter with a mythical creature. I don't think he had something like this in mind :-)

A conversation with a Unicorn.

 

 

I was deep in the forest when nature called and I had to relieve myself.

 

"What do you think you are doing,” an angry voice yelled at me. “The sweetest spot of grass around for miles and some dumb prick human has to piss all over it.”

 

I turned around as I was pulling my zipper up and promptly froze.

 

“You  -  you  -  are a Unicorn,” I stammered.

 

“I know what I f*****g am,” the creature bellowed at me.

 

“But  -  but  you are supposed to be a mythical creature. You are not real.”

 

“Do you want me to ram my horn up your arse to show you how real I am?”

 

“Please don’t be angry at me,” I said apologetically, “I did not know such things exist. If I had known I would have been more considerate.”

 

“All you humans are as dumb as s**t. That is the reason why we don’t bother with you lot as a rule. You won’t learn and you won’t listen to advice when it is given.”

 

“I am not like that,” I protested, “I want to learn. I would be very happy to listen to your advice.”

 

“You would?” The anger seemed to have vanished from its voice.

 

“Yes, gladly,” I replied.

 

The Unicorn looked at me with these blazing blue eyes that held me transfixed. Its silvery horn shimmered in the sunlight.

 

“Alright, I will give you some advice.” Its voice had taken on a conspiratorial tone.

 

“Have a shower every day, wear clean underwear, be good to your mother and don’t smoke.”

 

With that the Unicorn turned around and walked away being soon lost to view in the dense foliage.

 

“Great,” I said out aloud, “here I am having one of the rarest of all human experiences, being face to face with a magical creature, and I had to wind up with a smartarse.”

 

 

 

Copyright Hans von Lieven 2009

 

 

Reviews

[imawriter]

OMG!! This made me laugh and laugh!! No, no.. that was a compliment!! I love it! I can just imagine the mischievious look in that unicorns eye when he gave you that bit of . ahemm.. philosophy... I rather take this point of view as well.. magical creatures avoiding us silly humans.. Again, I really loved this!

[Manyfacets]

I'm happy to note that others are finally getting familiar with your stories. You are going to be so popular you'll have to develop a special time zone to keep up with reviews. A great little tale outlining ail the clich�
uttered to us by parents when we were young. Very clever indeed. Smiles M.

[Christopher Kneipp]

This really madde me laugh. I can ssee you having a great time writing it,
{Almost as much as I had reading it.}
Thanks for the submission

Chris K