A conversation with a Unicorn

My answer to Christopher Kneipp's challenge in Phantastic Phantasy where he asks for a very short story of a first encounter with a mythical creature. I don't think he had something like this in mind :-)

A conversation with a Unicorn.

 

 

I was deep in the forest when nature called and I had to relieve myself.

 

"What do you think you are doing,” an angry voice yelled at me. “The sweetest spot of grass around for miles and some dumb prick human has to piss all over it.”

 

I turned around as I was pulling my zipper up and promptly froze.

 

“You  -  you  -  are a Unicorn,” I stammered.

 

“I know what I f*****g am,” the creature bellowed at me.

 

“But  -  but  you are supposed to be a mythical creature. You are not real.”

 

“Do you want me to ram my horn up your arse to show you how real I am?”

 

“Please don’t be angry at me,” I said apologetically, “I did not know such things exist. If I had known I would have been more considerate.”

 

“All you humans are as dumb as s**t. That is the reason why we don’t bother with you lot as a rule. You won’t learn and you won’t listen to advice when it is given.”

 

“I am not like that,” I protested, “I want to learn. I would be very happy to listen to your advice.”

 

“You would?” The anger seemed to have vanished from its voice.

 

“Yes, gladly,” I replied.

 

The Unicorn looked at me with these blazing blue eyes that held me transfixed. Its silvery horn shimmered in the sunlight.

 

“Alright, I will give you some advice.” Its voice had taken on a conspiratorial tone.

 

“Have a shower every day, wear clean underwear, be good to your mother and don’t smoke.”

 

With that the Unicorn turned around and walked away being soon lost to view in the dense foliage.

 

“Great,” I said out aloud, “here I am having one of the rarest of all human experiences, being face to face with a magical creature, and I had to wind up with a smartarse.”

 

 

 

Copyright Hans von Lieven 2009

 

 

Reviews

[imawriter]

OMG!! This made me laugh and laugh!! No, no.. that was a compliment!! I love it! I can just imagine the mischievious look in that unicorns eye when he gave you that bit of . ahemm.. philosophy... I rather take this point of view as well.. magical creatures avoiding us silly humans.. Again, I really loved this!

[Greg Close]

I loved this. You should expand on the idea, it's got a lot of potential. My editorial suggestion is just the last two paragraphs - I'd kill use of the word "being" in both cases. You could replace with a dash between "walked away" and "soon" and then just delete it with no replacement required in the second case. I think it reads a little better, but it's just nitpicky.

[cartera]

Right up my street. Thanks.

[Ellen Hammond]

ROFL This is certainly not one of those fairytale unicorns. I love your wit and imagination. Your story, as always, flows well and hooks the reader with the first sentence. Having read a few more of your stories, I just had to keep reading to see where you were going with this fantasy write. I really enjoyed this one too, am still chuckling for it.

[MarkGMelvin]

very cute
I loved it
you should definitely sell this
it would be greatly remembered
as one of greatest story classics.
very well done.

peace
wmmelvin

[Cassandra D.]

wow, the beginning was kind of weird, the the rest was good.
I

[Chelsea]

XD haha very funny! That unicorn is nothing like the one in the books,but thats what makes it funny :D The end made me laugh the most :-P. Thanks for sharing this :)

[Tracie Skarbo]

Great piece of flash fiction here. This unicorn is definitely not your run of the mill "my little pony". Great laughs had by me, and I almost had wine spurting out of my nose. Perhaps a warning of "do not read while drinking liquids" should be attatched? *big smiles* Great Job...look forward to more.

Tigra

[EILEEN McGUINNESS]

Ha ha very funny my friend i am splitting my sides here, if this is my first read it won't be my last you are a very amusing guy thanks for sharing,(ES MACHT MIR VIELE SPASS)

[artaqstar]

Too Funny, I really enjoyed this piece.. Definetly not the stereotypical unicorn.. I liked it.
Your dialog flowed smoothly moving the story along. I didn't see anything that needed changed.
Great Job!
:)

[Tim H]

A rival to Aesop. Great fun.