inhale

i breathe deep, breathe slow

for the atmosphere to consume my lungs

keep my heart beating

blood streaming

one slow inhale

so vital

so simple

expected to work

until it doesn't

breathing in expecting air

but getting death instead

my heart reached out expecting your affection

but got death instead

Author's Note

let me know what you make of this. i want to see if i did what i wanted to with this. tell me if you get the jist of how the last 2 lines fit

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

What I saw here was that upon the outflow of breath words of affection were woven with it towards another. Yet, the answer was not what was wished for, and thus the return breath never came. I believe it to be an analogy for expressing one's love towards another and then being denied a favorable answer.

That's what I think it means at least! :)

Great Ink!
Aaron - Wolfwind

[sayed Mudasir Ali]

Nice poem in the wonderful direction. You must be in love and these words do gesture and suggest that the feelings are spurting out straight from your heart. A nice imagery behind the poem and last two lines are good but as a whole you have over read it and you can make the whole poem better.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

i breathe deep, breathe slow
for the atmosphere to consume my lungs
keep my heart beating
blood streaming
one slow inhale
so vital
so simple
expected to work
until it doesn't
breathing in expecting air
but getting death instead
my heart reached out expecting your affection
but got death instead
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i breathe deep, breathe slow
for the atmosphere to consume my lungs
keep my heart beating
blood streaming
one slow inhale
so vital
so simple
expected to work
until it doesn't
breathing in expecting air
but getting toxic fumes instead
my heart reached out expecting your affection
but greeted with death instead

Let me know if you like the changes in the wording in the last few lines…I was not affected by the last entry of this…needed a bit more…the piece itself carries you as a reader…take a look at both and have at it...jsut my two cents worth... here...

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting poem. I wanted to know more. I could feel the energy and the struggle in the words. The ending left a wide open door for more tale. I enjoy poetry that leave you with question and desire to know more. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

This piece hits deeply in terms of emotion. I like the way that you incorporate the biting and aching feelings of love with the last lines, that clearly show a person who has laid everything out on the table (become completley vulnerable for love) and got cheated in the end. Still, there is always time to pick up the pieces and try again; it is human nature.

[SquinklaPsyOps]

It could be that the character in the poem breathes differently when thinks of a person that the character in the poem likes.

Once a person told me, what is the use of thinking of a person when the other person is not thinking of you.

I didnt think of that person for many years, and then I saw a photo of that person and started thinking of that person and the following day that person went to my house when I wasnt there and left phone number for me to call.

[Maya Waller]

This was raw and powerful. I do agree with Wolfwind Words- it seems like an analogy. The love made to seem there was brought to a different sense of light. It defined how much that love was real. I was truly blown away by the simplicity and beauty of how you detailed the inhale as vital, but in the end it was an inhale of death. Very creative.

~Maya