Why Do I

A Poem by hannah.geary

im unhappy and i just needed to write my feelings down.

Why do I
Keep running back
Trusting your words
Your easy smile
That gives nothing away
But what you intend
What you want
Want to use
As a weapon
To knock me down
Tear me down
Like a falling star
I was so high
Feeling so bright
But I hurdle towards the bottom
Tears running down my cheeks
Like the streak I leave in the sky
Flying
Falling
Fighting
For you to look at me
Instead of her
Telling me with your cutting jokes
That I'm not good enough
Skinny enough
S****y enough
Happy enough
Because I'm not happy
I'm horrible
Horribly lost
Stuck
Stuck in this place
Place where I don't feel loved
But pretend I do.
Pretend I don't hurt
Hurt myself.
Cry myself to sleep.
Never ceasing.
Never seeing
How your wandering eyes
Cut through my heart
My mind
Wanders to the darkest places
Places where there is no love
No life
I can't stand
Stand the lies
Stand your wandering eyes
Wandering hands
Wandering lips
Wondering if you really care
Really love
Love me
Which you don't.
Did you ever?
You never did.
But I believe your lies
Your lies of love
Your facade of caring
Caring about who I really am
My hopes
My dreams
Haunted by your face
Leaving
Leaving for her
She's good enough
Skinny enough
S****y enough
Happy enough.
She really is.
But you don't love her.
You don't love me.
So I run
Run far away.
But my feet lead me
Lead me back to you
Your lies
Your easy smile.
Your wandering eyes
Hands
Lips.
You.
Win.
What did you win?
The satisfaction
Of knowing.
That I'll be dead and gone tomorrow
And you won't have to lie
Anymore.

© 2014 hannah.geary

Author's Note

don't judge. i just need to write.

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Featured Review

abluehorseandflowers

How does one judge pain so forthrightly expressed. I applaud your composition, and in addition to what SSAD liked, I'd add "Where I don't feel loved, but pretend I do." As a 43 year old I have felt that way, and remembering it at 51 brings tears to my eyes, all for the way you wrote it. Thank you for my tears.