hiding behind a mask

A Poem by hdean

I am not happy.

My smile is rusting in my mouth, exposed to the toxic words and barbed emotions that tumble through my head.

My painted-on grin is pathetic

The strokes are wobbly from my unstable grip

And the paint is peeling from the harsh elements that exist within my own mind.

A flash of teeth, and everything is ok.

"Wow, what a beautiful smile!"

"She looks so happy!"

Happiness is not something ingrained onto the slick surfaces of one's mouth.

It's not something that resides within the pools of color in one's eyes.

It is something that radiates from within.

Something that sometimes shines through the pores of your skin

And makes a smile widen and throws light off of the smooth eternity in one's vision.

And right now, I am trying oh so hard to keep my happiness safe and dry in my own little box.

But I am too trusting.

I am too soft.

I let my emotions seep into everything I touch.

I am careless.

And I will suffer for it.

I am a sailor with cracks in my boat

Who rips off a piece of scotch tape and calls it a day.

Everything will be ok.

But my heart is filling up with water faster than my tired hands can rip off another piece of damn tape.

My fingers are shaky and are bleeding from my mistakes.

How much longer until I drown?

Why can't I just fix the boat?

What if the problem isn't the boat, but me?

I just want to leap off into the glorious unknown of churning seawater

Or to fix things with a simple touch.

But I am trapped behind this clown-like grimace

And all I can do is grin and bear it.

© 2015 hdean

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register

Featured Review

rickm97

It is hard in life to "maintain an even keel," to hide behind a façade called "happiness." No one sees your pain, or feels the bad days.
But, honestly, nobody ever can feel your pain. While they may empathize with you, the pain is truly yours alone to feel I know this all too well as my beloved Karin was lost to cancer. There were days when the incredible crushing agony of loss left me prostrate on the floor, alone.
But one must continue to place one tentative foot in front of the other and walk through the realities of life, for life is fraught with reality. It can be ugly and painful, and it can possess beauty and peace beyond compare. One will never see the good unless one can move past the bad.
The human spirit is possessed of more intestinal fortitude and will than what most people will ever realize.
When we think that we have it so bad...
...there is always someone who has it much worse than we.

Keep walking through that fire; there is peace on the other side.