who wouldn't?

i cannot write about the way i hate hate hate

my body, my mind, myself.

i think it speaks for itself when i spend an hour in the bathroom

taps all turned on, wretch wretch

collapse

it's tiring.

or walk walk walking,

haven't eaten since the night before last,

head pounding - ouch,

collapse on the couch,

forget homework.

 

      -s**t, i'm going to fail school.

have to go to university so that i can be in control.

get up, can't think,

better eat.

eat a bit,

a bit more,

too much.

back to the bathroom then.

 

        -9 p.m.

got to get this work done.

eleven.

turn on tv and cry cry cry.

or dance till i'm way too tired.

 

there's a knife in my sock drawer

for when i hate myself so much i can't sleep,

the burning wetness dripping over my arms, ribs, legs,

lets me forget

so i can pass out until anxiety wakes me up.

it's like an explosion in my chest,

f**k,

i can't do this i can't do this.

cut cut cut

calm.

 

        -school's a mess.

"where's your homework"

" i didn't have time"

i wasted it eating and then undoing what i ate,

or else crying as i choked on another attack,

mind blank.

"sorry"

 

i don't know what i'm doing

i have to stop writing now

my heart is pounding and i think i'm going to cry

-again.

can't think

can't breathe

can't be.

 

        -for God's sake, who wouldn't hate me?