"Routine"

A Story by Hanna

plot twists awaiting

“Routine”

I wake up. I brush my teeth. I get dressed. I eat, take my medicine, go to work. I come home and spend time with Sammy. I go to sleep. I love my routine. It’s the way my life’s so organized and predictable that keeps my peace. Some would perhaps call it boring or dull, but I don't care. I have everything I need, a roof over my head, stability, and a loving wife. Samantha is a boss at a big company; she’s incredibly smart and beautiful, she’s got the eyes one could drown in, but most importantly, she’s my one and only true love. And that’s why my life isn’t boring, because when you find your person you don’t need anything else. I don't need anything else.

Maybe except for my routine.

Samantha and I have been married for over two years now. We live in an amazing place, not a huge but very comfortable apartment overlooking the main road in our town. Our lifestyles match perfectly, as our schedules allow us to have afternoons to ourselves for a moment of relaxation. We both love to have a good TV and cuddle session to just let out all of the stress that builds up throughout the day. We live in a perfect routine, just ideally thought.

Of course we fight too, for example, lately, there’s a constant talk about my job. I hate it and don’t understand why, but Sammy pressures me not to quit, even though she could easily afford living for us both until I find a new one. However, when she sets her mind to something there’s no arguing with that, it’s just her thing. That proved itself today too.

I wanted us to visit her parents, we hadn’t seen them, since they moved out of town some time ago, and her mother’s birthday was upcoming. I was always very fond of her and so was Sammy, but it seemed something happened and lately she didn’t talk to her mother much, I'm not sure if they were talking at all. I normally didn’t ask why, because this topic seemed to enrage her very much, I supposed it was because of how they suddenly moved away without a word, or any reason given, just leaving us behind. Anyway, I tried to take up the try to convince her to go see them and, as it turned out, it was a big mistake. She got so mad at me, and for what? Pressuring my idea of seeing her parents, that just a couple of months ago she had an amazing relationship with? Or for wanting to know why she is so angsty about telling me why she cut the contact with them? I don’t even know. She didn’t want to go visit, she didn’t want to see them herself at all. That was clear.

She was very upset, so I left it at that and went to sleep, irritated.

How can she be married to me and not share such things, especially when just some time ago we were so close with her parents? I just wanted to suggest a harmless idea and get some answers.

After a while I began to feel bad because of our fight, Sammy was the best part of my routine and I made her sad. She still sat in the living room as my head began to weigh down and I fell asleep.

The next morning I was so distorted because of last night, I forgot to eat and take my pills so I already felt bad. I hate it when I forget. It disturbs the routine.

And Sammy was already in the quarters so I couldn't even talk to her.

After work when I came back Sammy still wasn't around, and normally I came way later than she did. She was still probably mad at me for last night. She has this habit of disappearing sometimes and then coming back out of the blue, it’s another one of her things. If it wasn’t her it would probably annoy the hell out of me, the disruption of the routine. But it’s Sammy. I couldn’t ever be mad at her, I love her.

I really wanted to make up for our fight so I picked up my things and got out of our apartment.

I went looking for her in her workspace but the receptionist wasn’t of any help. She looked at me with apologetic confusion in her eyes and told me they didn’t have anyone with that name in the quarters. She looked scared and very young, she's probably new, and I don't think she knows the staff yet, but the boss? Wait until Sammy learns about this; how can anyone not know her?! She’ll give her a talk the next morning for sure.

When I came back still there was no trace of her, so I decided to leave it and go to sleep, maybe she was staying over at some of her friends' house. Maybe she’s showing me that I need to learn my lesson about arguing with her.

The next morning, this time, I did the usual. Woke up, brushed my teeth, put on a deep blue shirt ate my breakfast, took the pills, and headed to work. I felt better, more stuck in my routine. The work was horrible as usual but the routine was complete again.

I didn’t know if today Sammy decided to stay away from home too, but when I came back to our apartment, she was already there, lying on the sofa watching TV.

“Watching the same episode of Friends again?”

I said with a bit of bitterness in my voice, I hadn't heard from her in almost two days.

She looked at me in the same way she always does, with love in those big blue eyes,

“You know it’s my favorite”

She smiled, and I couldn’t be mad at her,

I joined her, taking her into my arms as we finished the episode together.

As I got up the next day, Sammy was beside me. I missed her last night when she wasn’t here. I snuck out of bed quietly not to wake her up and began to fulfill my usual pattern of living. During breakfast, I noticed I was running short on pills so after work, I went to get more. I always do when I notice there are 7 left so I can have a week's worth of them, just in case.

I entered the pharmacy and asked for my usual prescription, a middle-aged woman currently working went behind the counter to get me my pills. She passed them to me, asked for my name, and began checking the purchase into the system, a regular procedure. When I thought she was done and I was ready to pay she looked at me with a bored nasty look on her face.

“We don’t have you registered in the system for this kind of pills”

I looked at her confused,

“I have a prescription, are you sure you didn’t miss my name or opened someone else’s file or-”

“Nope. Richard Dale. Seems to be you. Looks like your prescription date expired.”

“What? So you won’t sell me these?”

“Nope.” she hissed.

I was desperate, my pills made me feel good, and when I took them everything seemed to be more in place, seemed more like my routine.

I started taking them a few months back when my doctor suggested I do so for a while. But the prescription date ended. She cut off my pills but I didn’t know why, I just knew I’d feel worse without them.

I forgot for a second the lady was still staring at me from behind the counter.

She looked at me with irritation in her wide open eyes as if to tell me straight forward to just stop bothering her and go away.

“Go get yourself a new prescription boy.”

So I left and called my doctor, asking for a new dose of the pills. She told me that we'll try to minimize my intake of them in the following weeks, because I’ve taken them for some time now.

I was to take once every two days, until I ran out of my remaining ones, then continue on without the medicine.

I didn’t know if it was a good idea, I always take my pills, they are a part of the routine. But if the doctor said so, then I’d try.

I came back home later than usual, Sammy was already in bed instead of the sofa.

I told her about the medicine dose being minimalized and she told me about a big project that her company started working on. This made me happy for her, but sad for myself. Big project meant not only an opportunity for her firm, but also less of her time for me, and less of her at home.

And with the reduction of my medicine, I really could use a lot of happy Sammy,

just a lot of Sammy at all.

The following weeks were hard. It was very difficult for me to keep the dose of pills divided by half, work was typically horrible, and Sammy was so rarely around. Because of her new irregular schedule, it was as if some of the days we completely passed each other.

After two weeks of this new reality I was so drained and anxious that I could hardly stand it, the doctor was wrong, cutting on my pills wasn’t a good idea. I felt as if I was suffocating with all of the changes, the loss of my routine.

I was coming home and I hoped that Sammy was already there. I really needed some time to rest and feel the comfort of her presence, I wanted to suggest that we take a day or two off so we’ll have time for ourselves. But when I came home, she wasn’t there. I went to sleep.

The next morning, however, Sammy still wasn’t home.

Two days after that she didn’t cross our doorstep too.

After the third day came I was already worried sick. I wasn’t on my pills for a couple of days now and I was sweating and stressing and I felt really bad. I hadn’t been to work either, and I needed to get back into my routine or I would go crazy. I needed my pills, work (even if I hated it), and most of all, Sammy. I knew she had the tendency to disappear, I knew that; but never for so long or without any excuse. Something was wrong, something had happened to my Sammy. I needed to find her. I felt as if I was going crazy. First, I needed my pills.

I got into my car and drove to my doctor's office. I waited and waited for her to let me in, pacing around until she finally opened the door.

She looked at me,

“Hello there, what’s the rush? Is everything okay?”

“No, not really. I am here to get back on my pills, I feel drained without them, can you please write me a new prescription? I’ve tried to minimalize and completely cut them but it’s been the hardest weeks of my life, please..”

I was staring at a small green bottle of medicine standing at the edge of her desk. I needed them.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, this kind of medicine can’t be used for too long at a time. I’m sorry Mr Dale.”

I looked at her with wide eyes and I tried to convince her so much. I desperately told her that my wife was god knows where and that I needed my medicine because it's a part of my routine and it makes me feel better and I really need to feel better at the moment.

I blurted the words out like a frustrated teenager arguing with their parents about why they should let him bail on school. I was so frustrated with the situation.

Sammy did sometimes disappear but not like that and not for so long and I sometimes didn’t take my pills, but not permanently and my doctor needed to understand my situation.

She looked at me and let out a deep sigh

“Mr Dale, I think I’m not the one who can help you anymore. You need to go talk to the parents of Samantha and not to me. And about the pills, I did end the prescription intentionally, and after seeing your condition today, I can’t recommend them again. I don’t think they’re good for you anymore.”

I looked at her disappointed, then I got up, went to my car, and drove straight to the new house of Sammy’s parents.

I’ve never even been there since she ended contact with them around the time they moved. I don’t know why I was even trying to find her there, her parents and she weren’t on the best terms right now, I knew it, but I had no other idea. I already checked at work and that was the only place she was at lately.

So I was driving out of town, not knowing if I would find her there. But I was worried and irritated and I didn’t get my medicine and it all accumulated. I just wanted to find her, I missed her.

When I got to the house I saw her mother in the garden planting flowers. When she looked up at me she suddenly ran up and hugged me,

“Richard! God I haven’t seen you in so long! I didn’t know if you’d keep in contact with us after everything that had happened”

I hugged her back, I missed her too.

“I’m not mad at you for moving. I think Sammy is because she’s just hurting that you didn’t tell us anything. She’s the reason I'm here actually, have you seen her in the past days? Or do you have any idea where she might be?”

She looked at me puzzled, she seemed completely lost in what I had just said.

“Honey, what are you talking about? You have seen Sammy lately?”

I didn’t quite understand what she was on about,

“Well of course, we live together, but now she disappeared, it’s been like three days. And she isn’t on any of her business trips. She works on a new project but in case of any home-leaving events, she always puts the information in the calendar and now she didn’t, that’s why I drove here, I need to find her. I’m getting really worried.”

Sammy’s mother looked rather sad, and worried. I can’t blame her, she probably thought that Sammy was finally visiting her after such a long time, and she finds out that not only she isn’t here but she’s missing.

“Come inside, Richard. I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

I sat at the table sipping on my tea as Samantha's mom joined me. Her husband sat with us too, both of them looked different than how I remembered, as if someone had sucked life away from them. But I didn’t have time to wonder about this, I retried the question,

“So, do you have any idea where she might be?”

Her mom looked at me with the same puzzled expression as a couple of minutes ago, her father just sighed and turned his head slightly downwards.

“Richard”

Her mom began, I didn’t know what she was on about and why it was taking so long for her to tell me but if Sammy wasn’t here I really didn’t have time to waste and needed to leave. The pause after my name lasted an eternity and I was about to say some excuses and leave when suddenly she blurted,

“Richard, Sammy is dead. You know that.”

I felt my head getting very light,

“Excuse me?”

Was the only thing that I managed to get out of my mouth.

“She’s been dead for the past three months Richard; you’ve been to her funeral. We all have.”

I started drowning in confusion, I didn’t have any idea what was going on, I started desperately trying to understand what was she telling me,

“I don’t understand. Are you sure you’re okay? What the hell are you talking about? How can you tell me she is dead when I literally live with her? She’s my wife. I see her every day…

Well, maybe not every day, actually lately I don’t some days and now she’s missing, but it’s just a pattern of hers, she disappears without any reason and-”

That’s when it hit me.

“she disappears without reason”, “it’s just a pattern of hers”, but it isn’t. It never was a pattern of hers.

There is a pattern, however; no pills equals no Sammy.

I remembered everything suddenly, as in a flash. The episode of Friends. Laying on the sofa. Dinner. Visiting parents. The car crash. Lights. The hospital. The funeral. Her parents moving because they couldn’t bear to stay in the same town anymore. Me not being able to function. Seeking help.

The doctor prescribing me pills. Seeing Sammy again. My life becoming the routine.

Now everything was clear. “Sammy” never let me quit my job because there wasn’t any other real source of income. “Sammy” always watched “her favourite episode” because there wasn’t any other for her. “Sammy” never visited her parents. The receptionist didn’t have her in the files. All of the apologetic looks that I received, the eyes of people telling me their condolences that their lips were too unsure to say. Now I understood. All the “sudden disappearings”, “without any reason”.

Sammy was dead. She came back to me in my grief because of the pills and denial.

Every time I forgot to take my medicine she disappeared, when the dose got smaller, I saw her only some days, the ones I took the pills.

And now, as I’ve been cut off from them, I was cut off from her.

She was dead. She did not exist anymore. My routine did not exist, and I didn’t have a pattern that made me whole.

I sat there with a blank expression,

I couldn’t live without routine. She was my routine. Now the routine was disrupted. How was I supposed to go on with my life when my routine was disturbed, when the biggest part of it was missing? How could her mother look at me and so calmly say “Don’t let this stop you”, “It’s been hard for us too”, and “You need to move on”.

She has no idea that for me, no Sammy means no routine and no routine means no me.

I am not able to function without it.

The only things in my life that keep me sane are Sammy and my routine, and now,

I have none.

Now I don’t have anything to live for. I’m purposeless.

I hugged her parents tight, I knew I won’t ever be able to get myself to see them again, then I went out. This was the time to start a new chapter.

I drove straight to the doctor's office. When she let me in, she looked at me confused. I told her that I found everything out and that I didn’t need any more medicine. She looked as if a slight hint of relief came over her face.

“I am sure it must be very hard for you, but I needed to cut you off from the pills after seeing how strongly they have affected your brain when you started talking about your wife. I hope you understand that.”

I nodded, with a hint of a broken smile,

“Thank you for everything doctor, really. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

She looked out of the window, then turned back to me, she smiled.

“Goodbye, Mr Dale.”

As I left, I drove home, then took out of my pocket a green container,

full of pills, stolen from the doctor's office.

Tears of joy or sadness, or both at once, started to fall from my eyes as I took all of them at once,

a month's worth.

And there she was, again by my side;

so vivid,

so incredibly beautiful,

so real.