One day In Life ..

writing in the subconscious ...

One day in life I apprehended this
that your presence was undeniably
all I ever required, and your smile
was the paradise that I longed to see..

One day I tried making things erroneous,
placing everything inoperative just to see
how you would do to craft it correct and
resolve the chaos that I had shaped ..

One day in life I tried to hold you
by your hand to feel the tenderness
that I never ever had felt prior to
so that I too could articulate I had one..

one day you called me unfamiliar
someone you never knew at all
and all I could do was get over it for
to let you go, It meant letting go my life ..

if only you knew what it meant
to hear you out, listen to you
then you would have known how ugly is
that very moment, in which you aren't there..

 

Reviews

[Kelsey]

I think it's safe to say this is one of my favorite pieces of yours. I feel it was written strongly, with much emotion, something that bleeds through to the reader as it's being read. I feel the ending sums it up nicely, and gives you the feelings I believe you were aiming for with this piece. All in all, very nicely done. x :)

[Hamza]

well .. thank you for your kind words kelsey .. you always have nice words for me ... thank you so much :)

[quinfinn]

i think what Adam was trying to say is that some of your word choices are too clinical or ordinary. now, i have seen your poetry and it gets very good when you release your soul through your pen, which you didn't quite relax enough to do here. think of your feelings as clay, pliable and flowing, and then mold them around words of beauty and imagery. this will give the desired effect ....i think you have a lot of poet within you....release him and rejoice. well done!!!

[Hamza]

i too got his point but he's more technical and i kept going round and round over him ...
thank you for the feedback it means a lot and this was written probably in utmost disgust... so might be low on standards ..
thank you for pointing it ... :) :)

[quinfinn]

you know what i do when i write form the emotion? i let the reader feel my real self at the time with the horrible words i might use on the object of my disdain, then i read what i've written and if it is too ugly i modify. you are a good poet . i was only trying to help you emote more freely. poetry is in the heart, unfortunately, it has to go thru the mind to get to paper or screen. bypass the brain......sometimes.

[Hamza]

that is a very good thought .. i used to do it to correct my mistakes in exams .. but goodness me, i have to do it on my work too ... :)
this sounds quite interesting ... i'll try .. thanks !

[quinfinn]

good luck, poet!

[Hamza]

:) thank you ..

[Crystal Marie Dreier]

I enjoyed this piece a lot. Great write!

[Hamza]

thank you very much ...
:)

[Adam Whitworth]

It does have its merits, well done, but the writing is not good

[Hamza]

i would appreciate if you suggest something to make it better ..
thank you anyway :)

[Adam Whitworth]

I know everyone may have deep experiences but that is not enough for poetry. Poetry is like singing; we long to hear the sublime voice of the wonderful maestro and sadly not everyone is a great singer.

[Hamza]

that is so true, the poetry does equal singing but the fact is, nowadays poetry has been confined to mere reading and unfortunately what is being sung is words .. no rhyming, no rhythm ...
i would love to write the way you said... thank you very much for your advise .. :)

[Talal Hussain]

Good effort...nice composition

[Hamza]

thank you very much :)

[Moniba]

Beautiful... I agree with Jo March. And sadly, I can relate to it.

[Hamza]

Its sad people can relate to the situation...
I never wanted anyone facing such things ...
Thank you anyway ... Keep Smiling :)

[Jo March]

I like the repetition of one day, and then the last stanza it's not there... like that 'one day' has come. Very nice writing.

[Hamza]

Oh thank you so much ...
And yes it is somewhat like you depicted .. :)