Porcelain Dragon Mask

A girl reflects on her past, where she comes from

 

Emily stood watching the littered field before her.  She was standing up straight with her arms wrapped tight around themselves, clinging to an orange, wool sweater.  Her long brown hair fluttered in the breeze like a lone flag standing after a battle.  This battlefield was concrete, brick, and wood.  A mid-afternoon sun stretched and bent shadows; mourners at the grave.  The wooden plank she used to measure the heights of her brother Alex and her when they were young.  It reached with her name extended like long bony fingers grasping at the shattered door handle of what used to be her bedroom.  It’s only goal; to rest where she once did.  5’7” age 14: a tombstone of a buried childhood.

            It was so long ago.  Seven years.  Alex had just opened that card that she had made him.

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            Alex read slowly out loud from the giant piece of green construction paper folded in half and decorated with glitter like the night sky, “For your tenth birthday I will give you whatever you want from my room for one week.”  He made a wide grin with his small, almond shaped face. Eyes sparkling like snow in the sunlight for just a moment before he said “how about the glass-mask that dad got you?  You never let me near it and...” 

            Her sigh quickly cut him off “I said anything from my room didn’t I?” Her eyes had become soft with moisture when she smiled. 

            “Thanks sis. I love that mask.”  He ran down the hardwood hall towards her room.  Feet pattered in the distance with excitement.  He came back wearing a white porcelain mask with a rainbow colored serpentine dragon sailing over the eyes serving as a wavy unibrow.  “I am the Dragon Keeper!  Fear not sissy, I will save you!”  Arms stretched out in superhero fashion running around the room with his head lifted just far enough to see a scatter-toothed grin.

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            A bird had made a nest in the cast-iron pipe coming out of the old wood stove she and Alex used to warm their hands by after a good snowball fight.  The sweet heat of hot cocoa filled her nose; she noticed the mother bird feeding its babies.  An oven mitt was lying next to the old stove waiting to be picked up.  She could smell all of the things her mother had spent so much time cooking.  Especially fried Spam.

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            “Aw Mom fried Spam again?”  Emily pushed her plate away to avoid the stench of warm bologna seasoned with garlic and butter.

            “You know times are tough Emily.  Without your father here,” she paused and her wintergreen eyes rippled with a tear before she blinked it out and continued “you know I am doing my best but we don’t have a lot to go around.”  Alex gave Emily a disappointed look and his little red button nose flared before he poked at his meal.  Emily pulled her plate back towards her and wolfed it down like it was sweetest ice cream from the best parlor in the world.  Not looking up again for the rest of the silent meal she decided to just pick out faces in the fake wooden table design to keep herself occupied.  Just next to her plate was an old man with big ears, a bald head, one big eye, and the other winking at her.  Or was it an elf with an eye-patch, she could never tell because the faces always shifted in her mind like that.  Every night the table people changed her mind.

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            Emily kicked some debris off from the broken table.  The old winking man viewed her oncoming tears.  “Si…[huff]…silly old man, I never could lie to you.”  She stroked his face.  With his one good eye he saw that she mourned for him to be sitting next to a steaming plate of Mac and Cheese rather than lying in the dirt, c**k-eyed, next to the kitchen sink.

            Her thin frame wavered, like a lone stalk of grass blowing in the wind, when she wandered over to where her mother’s room used to be.

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            Alex whispered soft and unbroken the way only a six-year-old or a drunk could, “Emily, mom and dad said stay in ouwa room.”

            “Well I want to hear what they are saying?  I think it’s about us.”  Her thin flannel nightgown crept closer to the door peering out the crack of light which lit up the entire room.  “And if it is about us I want to know what it is.”  Alex curled up in the dark corner of his bed.

            “What if you get caught?  I don’t want you to get in big trouble sis.  What if they send you away like they sent our other brothers and sisters away?”  His little red nose shined in the dark and he started wheezing and whimpering.

            “We never had any other siblings, that’s just what daddy tells you to scare you when he’s drunk.  You can ask mom tomorrow.”  Alex started to respond but Emily took no notice of him.  She did see that no one was out in the hallway or down in the kitchen so she slid out past the door and scampered silently up to her parent’s bedroom.  Her little ear pressed up near the handle and she heard a hushed argument:

            “Emily and Alex are just fine I’m not doing anything to them.  I can drink all I want cause this is my house Jennifer.  I paid for it and I run it the way I want to.”  Emily heard controlled sobbing followed by a silent whine.

            “Randy you know that whenever you drink you tell them things that scare them.  Why do you think Alex wet his bed last night?  It was because you have got him convinced that he had twenty siblings all out on the streets begging for food.  You should think before you speak and have a little consideration for our family before you open another beer.” 

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            A tear fell off Emily’s cheek as she walked into what used to be her mother’s room.  A pudgy rat scurried underneath some boards where the bed was and a mirror was lying next to shards of a broken window.  The mirror’s bits mingled with the glass looking like a ballroom waltz.  In the mirror frame was a spider’s web with it’s occupant tending attentively to what Emily’s eyes seemed like a fly.  It’s buzzing sounded like a whizzing high pitched scream, which is what it really was.  On a few unharmed slats of the former floor stood a picture frame stood in tact.  Amazingly it didn’t seemed harmed by anything other than dust.  In it stood a tall man with a red, button nose, ocean blue eyes, a brown mullet, and a shifty grin.  He had a tuxedo on and his arms wrapped around a woman in a white dress, with a plump belly, long curly brown hair, and a forced grin on her face.  It was Emily’s parents of course and she only could witness that day from that plump bulge that her mother’s hands rested on so softly.  Another rat skittered out past the tips of her shoes.  As she turned and jumped back, her boot shatter shattering the weak wooden picture frame.  Her mother’s belly sticking out from underneath her boot.  She picked up the photograph from the broken frame and stared at it.  It really was all her fault.

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            Randy‘s voice lost it‘s quiet tone and Emily fell back from the door.  “The only way I can stand you and those kids is with my beer.  All any of you want is to take, take, take, and ask for more.  I work hard everyday while you sit on your fat a*s and watch soaps and don’t even care about what I want and I need.”  Emily had pushed herself in a seated position up against the wall opposite from that door.  “I don’t think it is too much to ask that I enjoy my f*****g  beer and if that little snot wets his bed then you clean it up and like it - b***h!”

            “Get out you a*****e!”  Emily had never in her eight years heard her mother swear before.  “Don’t you come back until you are ready to apologize to me and our children.  They look up to you even though they hardly see you and I don’t want them being scarred for life because you are too damned selfish to realize there are other people in this world besides yourself.  I can take care of myself and my fat a*s because I’d rather have no money than listen to another word out of your mouth.”  Emily pulled herself back into her bedroom, getting a sliver on her hand in the process, but she did not feel it because her daddy did not love her.  Luckily Alex had cried himself to sleep before the argument punctured through every wall in the house.  Their mother would never tell him and neither would Emily.  She peeked back through her door to see her father wearing his thick winter jacket and carrying a suitcase so full that socks hung out the sides. The socks were waving goodbye.  Emily waved back, knowing she wouldn’t see those socks again.

            The next morning Emily’s mother pushed open the door, “Rise and shine my beautiful little angels.”  Her sweet voice felt like caramel coating the back of Emily’s throat.  She was already awake because she had that sliver eating at her heart and the one in her hand as well.  Her mother sat next to her on the bed with a wide tooth-bearing smile and eyes that waltzed with both happiness and sadness.  Emily could see that she had a present in store.  “Guess what angel, you are going to get your own room.  Daddy decided that he was going away for awhile so he doesn’t need his hunting room anymore.”  Emily knew this was a lie.  She knew he had walked away, but she grinned just like her mother did because it meant a lot to her mom when it came to giving gifts this size.

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            The sun pulled the horizon up over it’s bright surface and Emily was sitting in the middle of the mess watching the wrinkled photo get dark.  She got up to do what she came here for.  She stumbled into what used to be Alex’s room and pulled out a cracked, porcelain mask.  The dragon, though faded, still hovered wise and strong over the eye-holes.  Suddenly a tear hit the dragon in the mid-section as he came to rest on a rotted, piss-stained, mattress.

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            In three days it would happen.  Emily would graduate from high school and go to college in the fall.  Everything she and her mother had looked forward to was about to come into existence.  All of the invitations were sent to grandparents, aunts, and uncles.  This party would envelope the whole family in celebration.  Alex sat in his chair by the stove with a Sesame Street coloring book.  “Look sis, I didn’t color outside the lines this time.”

            Emily walked over and looked down at a gray Big Bird with green eyes and legs.  “Good job Alex, now why don’t you go on to the next page and bring some color into Elmo’s life.” She loved Alex so much.  If only he could do the kinds of things that normal fourteen year olds did, like read whole books, or not wet the bed.  Emily knew that when she left for school her mother would not have anyone to talk to about normal things.  Yet every moment she anticipated leaving this dump to see the world.  How had she pulled off a full scholarship to Cornell.  It would be tough but she would make herself into the best psychiatrist ever and buy her mom a new house and give little Alex all the coloring books he wanted. 

            A truck pulled into the driveway and Emily ran to the window to see who it was.  It was a blue ranger jacked off the ground one foot too high.  A man got out with a Nascar hat and a bushy brown beard wriggling with gray hairs.  When he was walking towards the front door she noticed a pair of ocean blue eyes gazing forward but glancing ever so slightly at the window.  She ran to the door and pulled it open.  “Daddy?”  She was not sure if she should be furious or happy that her father was home.  He wrapped his thick hairy arms around her bony body, staring at her short brown hair.  “Guess my little girl is all grown up huh?  Well I am back to say I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you sweetie.  I heard from your grandma that you are getting a free ride to Hormel University?”

            “It’s C-O-R-N-E-L-L and yes I did.”  She smiled faintly even though he did not even understand how special it was to go to this school.  His large stature and beer gut clothed with a plain black t-shirt seemed to pull the whole world into his stance.  His thick fingers reached into his tight jeans and pulled out a thin silver piece of plastic.

            “Well I thought I’d bring you a graduation present and God-willing I could move back in to watch you enjoy it,”  he handed her a cell-phone, “but if not, at least now we can keep in touch.”  A shifty, toothy grin came up out of his face and she grasped her new toy in awe.  No one had ever thought of giving her one of these before but then again she never asked about it cause her mom never had enough money to pay all her bills at once led alone anything else.

            “And who told you she could have one of these?”  An angry female voice clawed up Emily’s back to her ears.  “Emily go to your room and take Alex with you.”  Emily turned and walked up to Alex telling him that he could play in her room.  His face lit up and he followed behind her like a dog after a treat.  When she got to her room, Alex sat on her floor and found a box full of dolls.  Each came out of the box and were lined up for a parade.  Emily felt a warm spot in her heart and turned to the door to peek out of the crack.

            “Hello Jennifer, you said don’t come back until I could say I’m sorry.  Well,” he paused and a calm look fell over his face, “I’m sorry.”  He held out his large rough hand.

            “You come back now and that‘s all you have to say.”  Jennifer’s voice cracked off the walls even stopping the dolly parade Alex was directing.  “Ten years and not so much as a phone call, well what about the drinking?”  Hope glimmered in those last words.

            “Not a drop in two years.”  He gave a smile so large Emily could see his white teeth all the way down in her room.  “And I tell you what, I never want another swig of beer as long as I live.”  A slight bark drowned in tears erupted from Emily’s mother.  Randy was home to stay.

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            Emily was walking out of the rubble that was her home one mask lighter when she heard a beam cracking.  She looked up just as it fell right in front of her.  Her scream echoed through the trees as she fell back onto the old stove.  Stars filled her eyes and she thought she saw what looked like a rainbow wriggling around her head like a miniature kite.  Sitting up, all of the tears broke loose from her like a pinata with each one making it’s own path down her hands towards the broken earth beneath her.  The tears were rolling onto the ground now and it almost sounded like rain hitting something hard.  Turning her face down to look at the spot where she sat Emily had noticed something white that looked like it had collapsed on its own weight trying to crawl out of the earth.  “A sock?” Emily said aloud as though someone would answer, “What is a sock doing where the living room would be?”

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            Randy brought his old, beaten suitcase in and set it down.  He lurched forward and tried to hug Jennifer, but she held her swollen hand out.  Like a child who did not get his way he stood there and slouched.  “Well are you planning on sticking around and being a father this time?  or are we going to be let down again?”

            He straightened up a bit, “I’m back and I will help in any way I can.”  The tone of his voice and the pauses in between made him sound like he had been rehearsing those ten words to himself in the driveway.

            “Hold on a second then.” She walked quietly up to Emily’s door and said gently into the crack, “You’re going to be a psychiatrist, not a spy, get your brother and come out here please.”  Emily emerged a moment later blushing violently and pulling Alex’s hand behind her.  He was pulling the dolls in the same fashion: looking back at them and smiling like they were children of his.  “Alex,” he dropped the dolls and looked right into his mother’s eyes, “that man over by the door is your dad.”  She no more than said this and Alex ran right in between Jennifer and Emily and jumped into Randy’s arms and gave him a hug that made Randy gasp a little for air.

            “Phew you have really grown up haven’t you boy.”  He was trying to squeak out a smile but the fourteen-year-old wrapped around his neck was making it fairly difficult.  Jennifer and Emily looked at each other with loving glance.  All of Jennifer’s hopes had come true.

            “Daddy your back,” he pulled away, “You made mommy cry a lot, say you sorry.”  His face looked very stern and Emily and Jennifer both laughed in a soft, but contagious manner to ease the awkward moment.

            “Jennifer” he turned to his wife, “I am sorry.  To prove it I will do whatever it takes and that includes not drinking again.”  A tear formed in his eye and Jennifer’s face broke loose with thousands of tears fighting each other to get off her face.  Emily just stood there and sunk it in.  This was like a fairy tale.

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            Groping beneath her, the thin light that held on sharply at the edge of the trees helped Emily’s eyes meet an old suitcase, filled with old clothes and a flask that seemed to be ruined out of disuse.  “Not a drink since you came back.  Even when I brought it into this house.  You looked as though it would kill you to touch one drop.”  She picked up the flask and stood up to walk to her car.  A baby blue Volkswagen Beetle.  It was not one of those new ones, but a classic with the paint fading fast and the rust finding its way to the surface like a disease.   This car had seen better days but it drove well and carried Emily through some pretty bad storms.

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            Randy put his bag in the closet and shut the door.  “I haven’t opened that thing in a long time.”

            “Why?” Emily stood in the doorway and remembered the last time she had seen that piece of luggage.  This time the socks were tucked in nicely so they could not wave to her when the came in.

            “Because my past is in there pumpkin.  When your past is bad it’s better just to let it go and pray for a brand new day.”  He stood by the closet door looking smug as though he said something worthy of Confucius.  Without his hat on Emily noticed he was now mullet-free but had a bald spot growing on top.  “Oh you’re noticing my shiny new hairdo.  I like to think of it as my brain is getting too big for my hair.”

            “Or the hair is migrating to your ears.” She smirked.  They both chuckled. 

Author's Note

unfortunately it really isn't complete so if you have suggestions that would be great