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I don't understand all the things i see, and i'm waking up in a different position and place every morning. Every ounce of hope and general trying i did the day before, comes crashing down during the hundreds of dreams. The realism breaks through and the pressure is too heavy for my liking. I feel like i'm being stretched and worn thin from regret from the past, anxiety from the present, and fear for the future.
When things go right, and when I meet someone that understands and unconditionally loves me, it's like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Scared of being alone, but not being able to make the time together something they deserve. Scared of letting go, when I'm not putting forth the most passion in holding on while I can. I want the day to end, but I can't bring myself waste a second of not soaking them in. Sitting back and absorbing every emotion and dream-come-true affection, i don't put myself mentally in the picture. It's wasting so much time and taking these years for granted, and that's what has been bothering me.
I've just been doubting everything, because everything contradicts one aspect or the other of themselves. It's not a matter of trust for others, which is why people easily get offended by my lack of hope; it's just my mindset. Everything that's so out of my control, like no knowledge of whats to come or what could completely come of a once perfect thing puts me in an uncomfortable position.  I don't want to be told not worry about it, because i can't stop.
Which is why i believe in mortality too strongly.
There's no such thing as forever, and you cant really say other wise because as long as the earth is still in rotation, no ones ever experienced eternity. Too much of a realist, yet all I have are dreams.
Now what's really bothering me is that this is all coming out as negative angst, when in all actuality I'm in an okay mood today for once.