That night i drank the ashes...

Your bottle of St. Judes ctd...

"smelling of chlorine and charcoal" that night i drank the ashes

"bottle of St. Jude's" the perfume on the counter the counter, when i was working as a pizza delivery girl and you would sit with lance and do unknown things and make flowers out of the tiny liquor bottles. when i rubbed it on my arm and you said, "where did you get that?" "you gave it to me, and then you smelled my arm and lance and then i looked up and saw his face, bright and fresh, but yours was the same. "eyes like bruises in your face" afejaxehepme, and the so many dusks on the porch, with that green expanse below the open airy balcony, biting my tongue as chelsey walked by...jp on the grass...i could write about 100 memorys of you...when we went to the pizza place and we stood together to greet our host, a big nice italian woman, and you there, like a little girl, and then eating pizza silently, and then you sat on a puddle "why didn't you tell me that was there?" and plotting secrets against you with max, the max solomon, and you looking at lance like "what do we do/huh" and then riding home and it was cold there and i offered you my soft white longsleeved shirt and you refused and lance wanted it, turning down the radio, the wind in our hair, because i was getting too excited...and the first time i met you, i noted what a horrible lover he was and you flicked your wrist so softly, and it was the first time i thought, this person is gentle, and is a friend. and that was the last time i did something like that. finding dan's notes about the mermaid and laughing, the secrets we kept from dan! (the doll under the rug) and you and lance. "do you do voodoo haley" and me laughing and smiling like a baby because i knew i was yours'. and lance wrote "tryin to look but your baby doesn't." that night we looked at johnny depp pictures and almost "got it on" but i didn't look. Ojala that i had. and the green grass the hart linker, and the rug the banana etc. I am the rug. The pictures you drew! the man that walked into the bar, named "the pussie bar" and said "cum here lately" and the markers you always had, the leaf with the veins almost ripping out of its skull. you were a maniac. and we talked on the phone once a week when i was away, and i shrieked in joy to hear you and then was embarassed. i paused. and then you shrieked just like me jellybeans ponies bicycles etc. "I could write the names of lovers forever on ice but here I am with letters unsent" when i was bad, and you were not happy with me, but still hugged me goodbye, barely.....and then i saw you the next day and you walked behind me and kicked my yellow smiley face beanbag. and then you were walking with lance, about 100 feet away, and i ...reached into my bag, i had on a tiered kneelength gold skirt and a little sweater i had assembled. and i acknowledged you, but didn't meet your eye, and you looked at me and i at you and then you forgave me with your eyes and i smiled an then lance looked at me like i was the hottest thing ever and my whole body was invigorated as if a gust of wind had hit me. I LOVE YOU. that was my goodbye. and i meant it. to you and all the other pirates and all those who never made it there, or did, but i didn't like them, because i was always true to the firsts and seconds. the thirds were for you. :)