Flame is beauty

A very rough draft just needing some feedback and direction. I have a vision as to where I want this to go and need some constructive criticism from whoever has it to offer.

I have awaken, pale skinned in a cottage not far from the river. I can tell because of the berries that would always sprout so close to where the water flows. I had been hit quite hard before I fell unconscious. My once white and torn robes are soaked with something wet and I fear in my haze it may be blood. Mine or someone else's, perhaps because only my head aches. I can't seem to find the strength to move. Looking around I see nothing but an old wooden table, and some chairs though I still feel completely paralyzed by the weight of my own body. There's only one dusty window in this cottage. I can tell it has been abandoned for quite some time. But wait, are those torture devices? What would anyone need knives for in a cottage like this? They don't look as though they've been used in a long time but this is odd. It's strange I haven't come across this place before. When I finally gain what little strength I can upon trying to simply move an arm that's when I notice the shackles bound to my wrists. And for what reason? I'm so afraid at what might be about to happen to me, but so close to home. If I could only be free of these shackles I could follow the river home. Home....What of my home. Visions of death and despair flash before my eyes as I realize I've no longer a home to return to. All I can remember is a fire, kind of like an eruption, and my body going hot. My home is in ruins and my whole family likely have met their demise. I'm holding back the impulse to cry and sob but I know that will be of no use to me right now. I've got to get myself away from here. My will to live is strong despite everything. Why me? Why am I alive and shackled to this most uncomfortable torture bed. If I could only free myself. The sounds of the chains rattling are killing my head. I can't think. My heart is racing, and I can feel sweat drip from my forehead. I am not about to die a swift death, but it still doesn't make sense.

I've slowed my breathing, because I hear footsteps near by. I will slow my breathing, and act as though I'm not awake. I'll lie still as if I'm dead. I'm going to close my eyes as if I'm sleeping completely because I am so afraid of what is to come. I hear the footsteps nearer to me. Then the shuffling pauses. I can almost feel the person gazing at me, as I try to keep my breathing slow and steady. My thoughts are still so unclear, then unexpectedly I feel a hand placed delicately on my stomach. which makes me feel embarrassed because the rags I'm wearing are torn leaving my navel region completely exposed. I feel my face redden, and I hope he doesn't notice. I know it has to be a he now, what with the rough hands that were laid upon me. Then he whisper's with  what almost sounds like relief "She's going to live" and he sighs a deep worried sigh. I hear more foot steps, clanking, shuffling and the popping of his knees as he takes a seat in a wooden chair I saw earlier. I wait a moment but then I can no longer stand not knowing who is sitting before me so my eyes finally open wide with terror. He stands up immediately. I look around breathing deeply because I have tried not to do this whole time. With surprise upon his face he says playfully "ahh, you ARE awake". I say nothing as I am mystified by the man I see standing before me,which was not what I had expected. A tall bloke, with curly dark brown hair about shoulder length. His eyes are the most bright and beautiful green I have ever seen in my entire life and they seem to glow. His face is almost boyish though I know he isn't just a boy dressed like that and spoken as he is. This man has wealth. Who is he? Why am I tied up, as though he'd have to try and have his way with looks like his? As though reading my mind he answers my questions one by one. "Sorry to tie you up madam, but you're a danger to yourself", he proclaims calmly positioning himself even nearer to me. Upon which I yell for him to untie me but he only comes even closer to me and puts his face as close to mine as possible and his hand gently on my forehead, "please be quite my dear. No one can hear us". I yell once more with fury in my eyes for him to unbound me. He says nothing and does as I ask, finally. He tries to help me up off of the bed as I lift one leg over and I  push him away with one arm braced on the bed I try to stand on my own. My head hurts so much, and I can hardly stand. I'm kneeling and I make an attempt to run towards the door but only fall to my knees, weeping as I can no longer hold back my agony. I just want to see what has become of my village-my home. My long red curly locks shielding me from his gaze thankfully so that he cannot see my eyes. He comes close to me and puts his hand gently on my arm proclaiming "we've got to go, I've a carriage waiting just outside". "But what I've my family?", I manage to croak as I try to suppress my sobs. With urgency in his voice he tells me "there's no time to explain. With eyes like yours we are in danger". I reply confused and with the expression of it "eye's like mine? The same as yours?" and he cuts me off even more urgently with something of fear in his eyes "there's no time to explain. your questions will be answered later my dear". and with that he throws me over his shoulder without another word despite my resistance and carries me to the carriage. I scream and kick and wail but it does no good. 

Author's Note

any constructive criticism is welcome. this is just the beginning of a story. I have many ideas for it. Should I keep writing? I'd like to turn it into a book

Reviews

[Al Javier]

That's one dirty torture cottage, which is highly suggestive in my first impression. Like an adventure into cruel pleasure. Kidding aside, let's get down to business.

At my initial glance I can already tell my eyes will have a difficult time reading through it. The formatting is just one huge chunky mess, the only thing visibly separating things is a single indention in the middle portion. While the font certainly helped me continue my read, it was still quite painful since my eyesight is so bad.

Okay, there's a lot of issues on the surface level, not just the formatting. It suffers from crooked diction, a lot of words used are not within context at all, some completely miss its meaning. Grammar needs some work, be sure to never mix present and past tense together, that will only create confusion with the reader (and distort time and space!). You also mixed up the plural form of a noun with possessive apostrophe.

The dialogue is confusing, I'm talking about this from a proofreader's perspective. Proper sentence structure still applies even to dialogue. Be sure to separate them from each character, provide proper line breaks in each conversation.

What about the content? I think it lacks some substance. While I think the concept is here, it's missing a few things. First off, who's the main character? We know she's in some cottage bound to shackles. As for her goals and motivations, that wasn't made clear. I will forgive it since short fiction doesn't demand much from character background, but give us something other than being tied-up and quick flashbacks. I really want to know more about this character, her journey outside sounds more interesting if I'm honest.

Lastly, ever heard of show don't tell? The main character seems to be already equipped with the information of the area. If she has visions of death, show us what she sees, don't hold back on whatever that is. It is indeed important to know what the character feels, but they seem to be hitting her like bullet-points from a powerpoint presentation.

Now to answer your question above, my answer is yes. Yes because if your imagination runs wild and you had a good time writing this, chances are we will like your full version. Iron out these issues and I will be sure to return to read your much longer book version.

[Laura Warren]

Thank you so much for your input! I'm not the best when it comes to grammar and I had noticed a lot of the issues with the words myself. This was just something I kind of jotted down on break one day. I love how you described the fact that it seems almost like it's being described as points in a presentation. I completely understand what you mean. I know where I'm going with it and can't wait to continue it. I will improve on these issues. Thanks so much for taking the time. I honestly didn't think anyone would read it.

[David Jae]

I like the sense of fear and uncertainty that you create and your protagonist goes along way to make us feel like we are there.

For me, there is a little too much exposition, however. Don't just tell us things, show them through your characters eyes. Describe sounds and smells and let the reader draw their own conclusions. Also, your dialogue should be separated into new lines. Don't be disheartened. This has a lot of potential. If I can explain further, please let me know.