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Life is a small request

 

 

Images too fleeting to recall jump between moments of darkness, the sheets stick to my body and I writhe in fever dreams.

 

"Aleister, come inside it's about to rain." My mothers voice, a melody of bells that brings a light to my heart, I run towards the blue house, I see her standing inside the doorway, her face obscured by shadows, I run to her arms looking for a childs comfort.

 

"Whatever you do, don't lie to me Jason." I lie in a bed with my arms around Susan, her naked body pressed against mine, I close my eyes and smell her hair, I mumble some lovers promise. I'm destined to break her heart within weeks.

 

"This is the place where all life stops, where you and you alone hold power." The deep voice of my mentor rings loud in the dark garage, I'm kneeling in a circle, my arms outstretched, fatigue causes my  muscles to spasm and I gasp in exhaustion. I'm at the breaking point and I can't hold my arms out any longer, somewhere I find the strength and the wave of pain clears my mind. The circle flares into a sudden crimson and I smell burnt cement.

 

I sit up, the sooty smell still filling my nostrils, I almost sneeze out of reflex before I recognize where

 

I am.

 

I sit on the edge of the bed and hold my head while I sort through the fading dreams.

 

My mother.

 

My first love.

 

My mentor.

 

All come and gone, hurt or dead because of me, I hadn't felt anything resembling real guilt in years but suddenly I knew the feeling. A sick lump of wax that sat in my stomach, filling my thoughts with self loathing.

 

I shook my head and found my way to the bathroom, the birght light made me squint and recoil, the yellow tile made the place resemble an asylum, I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror.

 

My reflection looked at me witha  mixture of anger and disgust, I couldn't blame him really.

 

I don't remember crawling back into the bed but before I knew it, it was morning. I awoke staring at the cracked paint of the ceiling, finding complicated runes in the random patterns. Just like always.

 

Pulling my pants on I muttered to myself while looking for my socks, I was feeling better now. The previous night faded from my mind as I slipped the socks over my feet, the morning sun creeped along the floor and glared from the tv.

 

My stomach growled at me and I thought about getting some real food for once, there was that little diner across form the bus station. Some eggs and bacon would make me feel human again.

 

Shaking the blazer I tried to get as much of the dirt off but in the end gave up on it and left it in the garbage, my undershirt is stained but I wear it anyway.

 

I smile to the clerk as I walk out the door, i almost laugh at his expression of surprise, he doesn't remember me and chances are he'll forget me when I'm gone.

 

A car is idling in the parking lot, classical music plays through the open windows and I glance at the passengers long enough to regret it, men in yellow coats staring at me with emotionless eyes. I don't even see sweat on their brows and their wearing trenchcoats in the Texas sun, if they wanted to hide from me they could, this was a message. "We're watching you, or we're waiting for you to mess up."

 

I turn my back and walk quickly down the street towards the silver and blue diner, a cermaic burger sits atop the building and the cold air blows across my grateful smile. I sit down at a booth next to the window and look at the black and white photos of dead celebrities. Marilyn, Elvis, James Dean, The radio is playing the Beach Boys and I run my hand along the red leather next to me.

 

Places like this seem to be a constant across America. the sounds of sizzling grease, the smell of cigarette smoke and coffee, waitresses that stand behind the bar waiting for you to get comfortable before asking if you want a coffee.

 

I look out the window and see the long car creep by, the four men staring at me blatantly, I shiver and look towards the waitress as she slides next to my booth. A thin girl about 20 years old, probably working here to get through night school, counting the hours till she gets to go home and take a shower.

 

"Coffe and a big plate of eggs with some bacon. Thanks doll."

 

She smiles at me and walks away I watch her with and interested eye as she takes her time getting behind the bar to ring in my order