Chapter 3: Lost to Me

 “ Jay, are you all right?” said Tabir. She patted his clothes here and there as if to get rid of dust, but the water in the fabric pulled away with her hands instead. In moments Jay was perfectly dry and perfectly ready to fight it out with the snake god that threw him into the water without warning. In front of the dais he spun around on his feet.

“ Ade!”

“ Here, here, here.” Grains of sand that hadn't been on the floor a minute ago stirred and swept into a wide spiral. They came together to form the body of a familiar winged snake but at a much smaller, more convenient size. Jay flinched and twist his head about while Ade curled and settled himself on Jay's shoulders like a scarf. He gave out a small sigh while waving his feathered tail back and forth. “ Ahhhhh. Mortal air. How nice to be here once more.”

Jay would be yanking him off if he wasn't afraid of strangling himself with a god in the process. The poor boy had to settle for shouting, “ You did not literally dump me on the throne just for a change of air!”

“ Why not?” Ade replied. “ Putting aside the fact that it is where you are meant to be, you asked for it. You said you wished to go home.”

“ I did not--” Jay clapped his teeth shut and ignored the pain that shot through his jaw. No, no, no. He'd lost his temper so many times because of Ade and his brain was starting to feel as though he was soaking the thing in carbonated soda. It was hard enough hanging onto his mind already.

“ Where am I?”

“ The Altar Throne,” said Ade, in the tone of someone questioning Jay's sanity.

“ I know that! I mean...” Jay waved both arms in a gesture towards the entire room.

“ You're inside the Temple Palace in Rhen,” said Tabir.

“ The capital?”

“ Yes,” said Tabir, but she didn't look too happy about it. The goddess twisted her body about to look out one of the tall windows behind her. “ Or it's supposed to be.”

“ What d'you mean? Is something wrong?” Jay looked around and saw nothing, heard nothing, and he frowned at the silence because it felt familiar. His mom had taken him on a trip to Greece last year to visit ancient ruins, and the silence in the throne room gave him the same feeling as the palace of Knossos or the Parthenon in Athens. He got the sense that the place was lonely and waiting for people that it knew would never come back, and still it would wait. It would always wait.

The more he stared about the room the more Jay felt that the air was stuffy and stale. In contrast the water had been cool and light when it soaked through his clothes in the sunken pool. The air was warm and gentle even though he couldn't see any circulating vents in the walls. Broad shafts of light coming in through the windows were clear and pristine. Not a single dust mote dared to waft through them. The faint but permeating scent of floral incense tickled his nose.

Jay's senses were stating one simple truth: This was no dream. It was real. But that would mean other things had to be real....

“ When was the last time anyone was in here?” he asked.

“ About a thousand years.”

“ A thou--WHAT?” Jay shouted.

“ We believed there was a possibility that time flowed differently in different worlds,” said Tabir. “ I fear that it is true. Evidently fifteen years on Earth are equal to a thousand years here in Reyyis.”

Dear god, Jay didn't want to do the math.

“ And in that thousand years fate has been quite cruel to Kyria,” Ade continued. “ Trapped as we were in the divine realm there was naught we could do about it, but now that you are here that will be remedied. Let us take action at once!”

“ For the love of G--Are you telling me an entire country went to hell in a thousand years?” he said, feeling a little stupid as he did so. Wars could take as long as forty minutes or four years, or there could have been a natural disaster or--since there was magic and all--some kind of apocalyptic magical experiment gone horribly wrong. He had to acknowledge the possibilities.

“ The world has hunted Kyrian mages like beasts for many a mortal year,” said Ade. “ They believe Kyrians to be demons and Kyria itself to be Hell.”

“ Uh, say what now?”

“ Kyrians have a sacred duty to care for mortal souls, particularly since, if broken, they become demons that ravage the earth. However only Kyrians have ever possessed magic, and so the other mortals of Reyyis were unable to understand what they were doing. Instead of a sacred duty they saw Kyrians as the creators of monsters, not their slayers or rescuers. Hence Kyrian people have been hunted as monsters themselves for longer than a thousand years.”

“ And it finally got to them?” said Jay. “ The, uh, Kyrians, I mean.”

“ I suppose so,” Ade said gloomily. “ We believed the Kyrian mortals to be strong in spirit, as we raised them to be, and for a while they were. It's in the last few centuries that they have become quite pitiful, if not altogether pathetic.”

“ They were tired, Ade,” Tabir said softly. “ Tired of being hunted no matter where they went and no matter what their true feelings were. The persecution of the Kyrian people grew worse over time, Jay, starting countless wars, even reaching the point where many left these lands. They wished to find a new home in which to start over. Only the few that have retained their faith have refused to leave.”

“ And the, uh, Altairs just let it happen?” said Jay.

“ They tried, Jay, but there hasn't been a true Altair since your father, merely...what is that word mortals use...'stand ins'.”

“ My...” The subject of his father came out as a surprise. Jay was so confused and worried about his mother that the thought of his dad hadn't occurred to him, or at least it hadn't on a conscious level. He was so used to his mom avoiding the subject of his dad, or at least details about his name and where he'd come from, that Jay rarely thought about it anymore. He'd come to accept that he might never know.

Now in the present day he flushed with embarrassment. Now did he want to know the details? It was obvious that the man had to be dead. Kyrian kings and queens held divine power but their bodies were mortal so they couldn't live forever. Good grief, he was an orphan. Both his parents were dead. It didn't matter what world he was in because he didn't have any family left anywhere.

He was never going to meet his father. He'd never know....

“ Jay?” said Tabir. She could sense his emotions rolling about in turmoil.

“ It's nothing,” he mumbled. “ Never mind.” Jay swallowed against the enormous lump rising in his throat. Was he supposed to cry? He felt as though he was going to. Something was burning at his eyes and trying to force its way out to his face. Oh, shoot, his mind was starting to spin out of control again. He could swear that the entire room was tilting on its own.

What do I do? Somebody stop me. My head's starting to squeeze and hurt in different places. I can't think!

He must have passed out, because the next thing Jay knew Tabir was hovering anxiously over him with a sheet of cool water in her hand. Some of it was soaking into the skin on his forehead and cheeks.

What had happened? Jay tried to move his neck and shoulders only to discover that they were lying against the enlarged coils of a snake. Ade must have grown his size to act as a cushion, which he found to be oddly considerate for a pushy god like Ade.

“ Who're you and what've you done with Ade?” Jay muttered. He started to sit up, then gave a start at the sight of a man half-buried in the drape of a body-sized headcloth. In his surprise he threw his body upright and splashed his head through Tabir's shoulder.

“ Ackpth! S-sorry!” he gasped. “ There's somebody behind you!”

“ Oh, that's just Father,” said Ade. “ Don't you recognize him?”

“ Fuh....” Jay struggled to get out the first of two words, 'Father Raveen'. That was the title used for Raveen, king of the gods, lord of the sun, the Father, he who became Naveer the moon god when darkness came. He was usually depicted as a ray of sunlight or a man well covered by a voluminous sheet of cloth, so Jay did recognize him. He just wasn't used to (1) discovering that deities were very real and (2) having the most powerful ones treat him like...like...family!

“ No way,” he said out loud. This wasn't happening. In response to his voice Raveen tilted his head to one side like a curious dog. Plain gold coins dangled from the cords that held the cloth to Raveen's head and they tinkled gently when he moved.

“ Way,” said Raveen. Jay choked on a sudden laugh. The almighty king of the gods was using modern Earth slang with such a deadpan tone. “ You have my apologies for not appearing sooner.”

“ Ah, well, you're, uh, busy,” Jay said awkwardly. He'd always figured that if gods existed then they would never have a chance to rest. People were always calling on them for one reason or another.

“ Is, uh...is my d-dad...really dead?” he forced himself to say.

“ Yes,” said Raveen.

“ Why? I mean, how? Old age?”

“ No,” Raveen said in that same flat tone. “ He broke rules that could not be broken and paid for the crime with his life. Zashere died at the age of thirty-five.”

Jay didn't know if it would have been worse should Raveen have used a kind, sympathetic voice to tell him that. Father Raveen's blunt style hammered the facts into Jay's head with a single strike, giving him no chance at all to deny reality. One strike and he accepted Raveen's words completely. His dad was dead. At the age of thirty-five he'd broken some kind of major rule and died as a result.

“ He...executed?” Jay said hoarsely.

“ No. His life simply ended, much in the same fashion as a candle that is simply snuffed out.”

“ Are you serious?” Jay shouted.

“ As you know, there are rules even the gods cannot break, no matter what the reason. No man, no god, is an exception to that rule, and must pay for it with their lives.”

Jay's mind reeled but he still tried to understand what they were saying. “ You didn't stop him from doing that?” he said.

“ We believe in free will, sekahti, even if it ends in conflict.” At this point Ade's voice turned flat and grumbling. “ And he paid the price for it most willingly. With his life.”

“ What the hell was so important he was willing to die for it?” Jay cried out.

“ He left behind a protector for you.”

“ What?”

“ He left behind a protector for you.”

“ What? Why?”

“ Why else? To protect you. We are with you, of course, always,” said Ade, “ but we are bound by divine laws. Mortals are not.”

“ That's nice,” Jay said in a strangled voice. Ade peered at him with narrowed eyes.

“ I sense insincerity, sekahti,” he said.

“ Well, I, ah....”

“ Are you not pleased? Zashere broke divine law and sacrificed his life to provide you with this protector.”

“ I, um....”

“ He thought of you to the very last.”

“ He....”

“ Always he thought of you and Faye,” said Tabir.

“ No...no, he WASN'T!” Jay had no idea what he was feeling right then, but the gods' attempt to endear the father to the son set him off. With every ounce of force he could muster Jay shouted, “ Like hell he was! If he really cared he would've lived, not died to give me something I could've hired at anytime and anywhere! Good gawd, what is this protector guy, a minor deity? 'Cause otherwise there was no need to sacrifice his life for...for...!” He swallowed down the lump of rage and indescribable feelings in his throat. “ He could've lived to meet me! I could've known my dad. Mom never told me details about him, not his name or where he lived, just what he was like, and I could have MET him, actually met him, but no. He died for something he didn't have to die for! He did. Not. Have. To! He could've lived and met me, for god's sake! What do I need a protector for when I could've had my father?”

“ Precisely who--”

“ Enough!” Jay snarled. “ And what the hell were you guys doing? Just letting him do it?”

“ It was what he wanted,” said Tabir, in a voice that was almost weary. She was close to drooping too, which would surely start a indoor flood. Jay suddenly stopped, staring at her for a moment, before dropping his head down in shame. He had completely lost it and he wasn't sure why. Was it fear? Grief? Confusion? Ade pressing all his buttons again? He was losing his temper so fast and almost at random, or that's how it felt to him anyway. Of course, on the other hand he'd just found out that he was an orphan. His mother was dead and so was his dad. He'd never get to meet his dad.

“ Get out.” Jay abruptly whirled on his heels and nearly fell over. Tabir stayed close enough to push him back to his feet. “ Thanks, but...please. Get out. All of you, get out.”

“ Get out?” Ade said with a laugh. “ We are gods! We are everywhere regardless of whether we wish to be or not. It is simply our nature. We cannot 'get out'--”

Jay revolved his head to stare at the god around his neck in the eye.

“ Get...out,” he repeated slowly. “ Or I'll skin you alive.” The very thought made his stomach burn, but his fingers were flexed into claws and he was at the end of his rope. He was prepared to carry out his threat.

“ Enough. Do as he says,” said Raveen.

“ You just got here!” said Ade. He whipped his head up to start a silent staring contest with Raveen, and the tension between them caused the air to grow thick and heavy. Raveen did not back down as he said ever so calmly:

“ Do as Altair says.”

Ade bristled his feathers and bared his fangs in a quiet rage. Even so Raveen didn't waver, and Ade forced himself to slither off Jay's shoulders and down an invisible ramp towards the floor. Tabir slid back to sink into the waters of a sunken pool. Raveen shifted one foot to leave but Jay stopped him with a question.

“ Altair?” he said.

“ All ruling kings and queens of Kyria are incarnations of the fourth god of creation, Altair. That is why their title is his name,” said Raveen.

“ Oh, right.” Jay looked down at his feet and paused, trying to work through an awkward silence. “ Did my dad really...?”

“ Yes,” said Raveen.

“ You didn't try to stop him?”

“ No.”

“ Why not?” Jay exclaimed. Raveen turned around far enough to reveal a sliver of sky blue that must be his right eye. The large headcloth he was wearing kept the rest of his human features in deep shadow.

“ It was what he wanted.”

“ To die?”

“ To leave you with what he could not. Zashere knew that it was possible he would not live long enough to meet you.”

“ But he could have! If he was going to break the rules anyway, couldn't it have been for that?”

“ There was no guarantee of success, Jay, and that's what your father wanted, a guarantee. He might not be able to provide protection when you returned to Kyria but someone else could in his stead.”

“ Again, he couldn't break the rules to lengthen HIS life so we could meet?”

“ You weren't the only one he wished to protect.”

“ What?”

“ Meet your protector, Jay. I believe you will come to understand.”

Oh really? He suppressed a sarcastic sneer the best he could. Jay figured that he might understand, but it wouldn't be so easy to accept this story. He hugged himself and pressed his half-curled hands against his sides.

“ Zashere left a message for you,” said Raveen.

“ What?”

“ He knew he was causing his own death, so he left behind a letter. It waits for you in the king's private chambers or we will bring it to you now, if you like.”

He didn't know if he did or not, but still Jay saw his hand putting itself out and Raveen extended his own. Light seeped through the space between his fingers and spread warmth on the palm of Jay's hand. He flinched when the touch of folded paper tickled his skin. What felt like tissue-thin paper was bound with a dark violet cord. He pulled it loose and stared down at the Kyrian characters spilling before him in black ink. He blinked a couple of times to focus when his vision blurred and he had to dig through his memory to know what the characters meant. By the time he'd translated the first sentence he had a headache.

[Born of my wife, Faye Delafoy, and myself, Zashere al-Kyr

Was my son, Jased Delafoy al-Kyr, on the eighth day of the eighth month

I know not who you are or what you will become. As a result of my choices it is the truth that I will never know you and you shall never know I except through the eyes of others.

However I cannot express regrets for what I have done. The price is known to me and I shall pay it. Trust the word of the gods that this is my choice, that I now act because I know I am a father. I act because I am the Altair whose sacred duty is to guide the souls of this world. Regardless of the role I am driven by that indescribable emotion that is born from having a bond with another. Above all things, may you come to know it as well. May it come to drive you all your life.

Let it forever be the proof of me.

-Zashere]

Jay turned the letter in his hands, completing a full circle with it before he looked up at Raveen.

“ That's all?” he said, wanting more.

“ Yes.”

“ What about the price I'd have to pay? Never knowing my dad at the same time I'd find out that I'd never see my mom again. Did he know that and still go ahead with it?”

“ Yes.”

“ And he doesn't regret it.”

“ No. He did not.”

Jay's hands shook a little as he read the letter again. He had never met his dad, never been told anything about him except for what he looked like and the fact the man was alive. Faye had promised that they would meet one day and she couldn't explain why they couldn't so soon, but hopefully Jay would come to understand.

Come to understand. The words dripped with sarcasm in his mind. A part of him felt guilty and ashamed for whining about himself, but the rest of him yelled out the fact that there was no one else anyway. Just him now. He'd never wanted to be so selfish and let loose in his life.

“ Mom's really dead?”

“ Yes,” said Raveen. He wasn't going to say anything more but when Jay continued to stare at him he added, “ Your early return to this world is proof of that.”

“ So I lost everything,” he said out loud, “ and I didn't even know it. I lost everything and I'll never really be able to understand everything 'cause I can't. I can't go back home.”

“ This is your home if you would allow it to be,” said Raveen.

“ 'If' I allow it?” Jay scoffed. “ If what you guys have been telling me is true then I can't go back, so do I really have a choice? Even if I could go back, what choice do I have between Earth and a half-abandoned country that everyone thinks is hell on earth?” he shouted. “ Either way it's the same for me. Both my parents are dead! I don't have any family left anymore.”

“ You have us,” said Raveen.

“ I don't know any of you!”

“ Regardless you have us.”

“ So I can be your meat puppet and do whatever you tell me to do?”

Raveen seemed to roll his eyes in exasperation, but Jay couldn't see beneath the headcloth or the shadow that it cast. “ Ade,” he muttered.

Jay turned away from him and crumpled the letter in his hand. “ I want to go home,” he said flatly.

“ We cannot send you back,” Raveen replied.

“ Walls in Between. Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jay muttered bitterly. “ I get it.”

“ This is where you came from, Jay, where you were born. Not Earth. It was never the place where you were meant to stay.”

“ Mom agreed to that?”

“ She understood the moment she knew that she was with child.”

With child? Oh, the old-fashioned way of saying 'pregnant'. Jay shook his head at Raveen's manner of speech. All the gods talked like that.

He forgot about the gods when he found himself staring down at the crumpled ball that was his father's letter. Without the man here in the flesh it didn't feel real to him. His whole family was dead. He supposed he still had his friends, but he couldn't go back to where they were. It was all gone now.

Jay lowered his head to his hands, crushing the letter flat against his skull and saying to himself, “ I lost everything without even knowing it.”