Ritual Gone Wrong

A Story by Hadri A Rahman

Three metalheads decided to summon the devil, but it didn't work out as they planned it.

"Dude, you sure this would work?"

"Yeah I'm sure. This should be easy, chill, dude."

"Oh man, this is so exciting. Just think of it. If this works out, we'll have the girls
on our beck and call, and we'll be the best metal band of our generation! Just think of it,
I bet Slayer and Carcass and Darkthrone are gonna look like a bunch of poseurs compared to us,
and I bet we'll be rich and famous for sure!"

"Yeah, until we turn 27 that is."

"Oh, f**k off, Jeff. I know you're always negative but this is really a bummer, dude."

"Well I can't help it, Darren. We're messing with things we don't even know if it could
work, and besides..what happens if it doesn't work out?"

"Sigh. We'll just try again, simple."

"That's not what I meant, Chris. I mean, what if he...shows up and decides not to grant us
our wishes?"

"We'll see. He'll accept our offerings, and give us what we want in return. Besides, it's
not like he's not used to this kind of deal, everyone knows that."

"So why can't we do a sacrifice anyway?" Chris asked.

"Because it's my room and my mom would freak out when she sees all the blood" Jeff said.

( Fill in this part about the devil summoning stuff by yourself. Seriously, what makes you guys think I even know how to summon the devil? )

All of a sudden a small fire appeared from the pentagram, providing a flicker of light in the middle of the

darkened bedroom. The room begin to emit a strong smell of sulfur, and the fire grew larger and larger, until a shiloutte appeared from the middle of the fire, before it dies out immediately.

The figure appears to be a manin his 30s, with black hair slicked back, and wearing a black turtleneck sweater with black trousers and black shoes. They gasped in awe, while the devil looked around and looked at the three of them.

"What do you want, mortals?" The devil asked.

"Um...oh dark lord, we are nothing more but three worthless knaves unworthy of your time! But hear us!" Darren shouted.

"You got the worthless part right." the devil thought.

"Hear us, in exchange for our souls, we demand that you grant us with musical prowess, and fame and fortune!"

"And girls, dude, girls." Chris added.

"Oh yeah, and girls too." Darren said.

"Let me get this straight. In exchange for your souls, which I will claim when you kids turn 27, I would give you musical skills and fame and fortune and girls? That kind of a deal?"

"Yes, my lord! That's all we ask for!" Darren said.

The devil groaned, placed his right hand on his face and ran it down his face.

"Ok, let me tell you guys something, ok?"

"Um...yes, my lord" Jeff said, peering over his glasses.

"AND STOP CALLING ME THAT! I hate that." the devil said.

"So I assume you kids think that by selling your soul, you can be the best metal musicians there is, I take it?"

"Yes!" Darren said.

"Well, you're wrong, kids. And speaking as a metal fan myself, I think you kids are nothing more than an embarrsment.

What you kids are doing is nothing more than repeating the same stereotype about how metal fans are nothing more than a bunch of lazy losers who are obsessed with the devil, instead of putting in any real effort to play music."

"I mean, how old are you kids, 16..17?" He asked, waving his hands.

"Uh, 16." Jeff said. "We're all 16."

"There you go." The devil said. He then noticed the rack filled with CDs, and asked, "mind if I take a look around?I'm pretty sure there are some great examples here." He then began to go through them one by one, noting some of them.

"Yes, Slayer's "Reign In Blood..first edition..", Judas Priest's "British Steel", that's a good one, Venom's "Black Metal", Celtic Frost, Voivod..excellent, Repulsion's "Horrified"..ooh, I love that, Darkthrone, definitely.." he said to himself as he went through it.

Jeff, Darren and Chris just looked on in silence. This is new to them, the devil deciding to study their collection of metal CDs. "Uh, dude, so what's going on here?" Chris asked.

"What's going on here, is that I'm trying to set an example here. You see, these guys sure as hell didn't sell their soul to me to make good music. It takes effort, and they've been playing music for years, probably perfecting their skillsin their bedrooms, networking with other musicians, listening to music obsessively, changing their styles along the way..and the main reason for this is?"

"Um...for the fun of it?" Jeff ventured.

"Yes, exactly. If anything, the whole devil worship nonsense was largely started by the moral police..ever since BlackSabbath came out with their first single, no, ever since Jazz and Blues are the latest genres of its time.

And besides, it is pretty silly when I think of it. Black Sabbath's first hit song was about being terrified of me, but to the moral policewho probably never even listened to it, it was somehow proof. But there are some that tried to align themselves to melike Coven and King Diamond, though obviously it was done to shock and amaze people. Even Motley Crue tried to get on the act and looked silly." he grinned.

"But what about the suicides and murder and church burnings in Norway?" Chris asked.

"Oh, don't be silly. If there's one thing you kids face, it's peer pressure. It's ironic, really. These guys set up theirown scene to escape the pressures of daily life, only to pressure each other into out-doing each other musically and try tobe as "evil" as possible. The kid that committed suicide was depressed, the church burning was supposed to be a so-called
"War on Religion", which I thought was silly, and obviously backfired, right?"

"Umm..I guess so? With it going out on the news and parents and teachers terrified of the black metal scare?" Jeff asked.

"Another point for boy genius here." He said. "And besides, you try to work in that kind of a uber-competitive environmentand trying to prove yourself that you're waay into this than the next guy, but that's why they released some pretty great albums, while some just snapped, Burzum might have been at best a loud mother's boy who couldn't even decide what his ideology really is, but the stuff he released is actually pretty impressive for a one man band." He said as he took a chair and sat down.

"And besides, I noticed you kids paid attention only to metal music. Why?" He asked, while looking at his fingernails.

"Uh..well, we just think most forms of music just suck, dude. They're not metal enough." Darren said.

"Yeah, we don't even like some of the slower stuff, it's just not metal enough" Chris replied in agreement.

The devil shook his head, smiling sadly. "Well, I'll chalk it up to your youth. It's not uncommon for kids your age to be obsessed with what you think is the real deal and what is not."

"But let's face it. Music doesn't sit in a vacuum, and you kids should be aware of that by now. By listening to nothingbut metal music endlessly, and playing nothing but metal songs, you kids are doomed to be nothing more but another metal cloneband, destined for obscurity, nothing more than a footnote, maybe brought up occasionaly by people who remember you as a joke."

He smiled, savoring the cringing and feeling of dread coming out of the three teenagers.

"So", he said, clapping his hands, "I can see why you three nerds thought it would be a good idea to summon me up, and then get me to give you musical skills like it's a toy that came free with your Happy Meals" he grinned, "which was also my idea."

"So, boys" he said. "I might convince a dictator that gunning down his opposition is a good idea, a serial killer to butcher and maim innocent people, bankers to f**k up the economy to enrich themselves, and introduced college loans and auto-tuned pop music, but I just can't agree to giving powers to lazy kids just so that they can get a headstart over other hardworking musicians."

"Oh man", Chris groaned. "So much for our hopes."

"Fear not, young ones" the devil grinned. "I wouldn't make you nerds metal gods in a snap, but" he stood up, "I can suggest some things for you kids."

"What are they?" Darren asked.

"Well, for starters", he said, "you slackers need to work up on a schedule, and practice daily, maybe at least 2 to 3 hours a day,or, at least a few times a week." he added.

"Also, you definitely need to start listening to music other than metal all the time. I dunno..maybe start off with some oldschool hardcore punk, some slow metal, like St Vitus, Melvins, Baroness, Eyehategod.." he motioned with his hand, "and maybe some progrock or even some jazz and blues" he grinned.

"You would be amazed by what you could pick up from these genres, and if you could

balance out your multiple influences and retain a metal sound, well, everyone will go nuts for that."

"You kids need to read more too. I mean it. I find the stereotypical metal lyrics about guns and women and motorbikes are actually pretty boring. Read about science, politics, religion..I mean, if you want to sing about me, at least sing about me correctly, becausefor starters I don't go around bathing in people's blood..ugh, that's just disgusting." he winced.

"And..maybe" he added, "network around a bit".

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" Chris asked.

"Oh for f**k's sake." he groaned. "it's the most basic and obvious thing you have to do as musicians." he said. "You go out,play a few shows, if you can't find any shows, make your own shows, and then you'll get some fans." he added.

"And in the process,they might know a guy who might like what you're doing, and he might know this guy, and maybe you'll get an interview, maybe a record deal, stuff like that."

"And obviously, you guys have to be shameless. The first thing you guys have to do, would be to put your stuff on the internet.And then pester people to listen to them. And then, you pester people to book you guys for shows. If everything works out, maybe you'll get some fans along the way."

"And please, don't go around asking me for girls. Go to a show, and talk to them instead. Socialize more and don't become the scary snarling metalhead stereotype.

It might mean having to listen to pop music and dealing with contemporary pop culture, but trust me on

this one. There's more than one way to get the girl, and I'm not it. You're gonna have to do it yourself." he said.

"Now, if anything, I'm off." he said, as he walked to the middle of the pentagram, and snapped his fingers..and nothing happened.

"Damn it." he muttered, and tried again, and then he went away in a puff of smoke.

"I think I wrote everything down, dudes." Jeff said.

Three years later..

"So where did you guys get the inspiration to write "The Devil's Advice?" the over-eager yuppie metal journalist asked.

"Well, you see" Jeff said, "when we were kids we were actually toying around with the idea that we can sell our soul to the devil, before we all thought it was a bunch of bullshit, and we're better off working hard, to get our own unique metal sound, you know?" he added.

"And a unique sound it is." the journalist agreed. "How did you reach on that kinda sound?"

"Yeah, well, we grew up listening to death metal, like a lot of it. And then a friend of ours suggested, you know, maybe we should listen tosludge metal as well, and at first we're like, what is this s**t? how is this even metal? In fact, it took me a year just to appreciate The Melvins.

And then, we also started listening to hardcore punk, like Black Flag and Discharge and some other stuff to see how they combined punk rock with a metal sound, and when we first played, it was largely covering those kind of songs at parties or gigs, and it took us years to get that unique sound
of the intensity and brutality of death metal, with the crushing slowness of sludge, and the speed and lyricism of hardcore punk" Chris replied.

"Yeah, took us years, dude. Write that down. In fact, if you want us to list the bands that influence us, you'll find a lot of surprising entries like Joy Division and Fugazi and Rorschach" Darren interjected.

"Though we definitely love old school metal like Judas Priest, Pantera..man,

going back from school and covering Pantera songs was the s**t." he grinned.

"So what're your plans for the future?" the journalist asked.

"Man, I don't know. Travel?" Jeff said.

"Ugh. I don't know myself. I have plans to study other forms of music though, I am kind of interested with jazz at this moment" Chris replied.

"I might get married, though" Darren replied. "She wants to graduate from college first, and I'm cool with that."

"Well, that's all then, thanks guys. And good luck for the tour! And oh, yeah, it'll be cool if you dudes send me an email with a list of the bands that influenced you guys." the journalist said, got up, left and closed the door.

"Well, we've got a couple of hours before we perform. Wanna practice?" Chris asked.

The other two band members shrugged, gathered their instruments, went into their respective positions,but as they were about to begin, the lights in their room went off.

"Hey, what the f**k?" Jeff said. "Man, let's go and find a tech to sort this s**t out."

Then, in a corner of the room, a flicker of light emerged, and grew larger, until they could make out a figure.

"Cannibal Bloodfeast." The devil grinned. "I'm a fan. Mind autographing my copy?"