Chapter 2: Hero

"So... How do I brush my teeth here?" I couldn’t help but wonder as I walked through the hallways, scanning for any sign of going in the right direction.

Unfortunately, the events of yesterday had yet to prove themselves as a dream. I woke up on a bed whose sheer size seemed to be wasted on me, gazed at the still-cloudy appearance of a medieval kingdom, and after a good fifteen-minute stare into the distance, the reek of sweat hit me.

Teeth hygiene was only one of my worries it seemed. As someone who showered twice a day and washed hands upon contact with anything that would suggest bacteria, this dirty feeling of perspiration trickling down my body felt irritating indeed. I had hoped for Icy Eyes to show up and guide me to the baths, but after another hour of admiring a painting of a sassy old man, the only thing that had changed was the stench of my T-shirt. Hence my current state of affairs.

I trod lightly, trying to make as little noise as possible, even though much wasn’t really likely when walking on a carpet. My eyes darted about and made vain attempts at understanding the silver plates above the doors. That reminded me, the locals here could speak English, so wasn’t it a no-brainer that they would be able to write it? Evidently, that was not the case. Trying to make heads or tails of these carvings was similar to solving the Bermuda Triangle mystery. In other words, I had no idea where I was going.

The warm sunlight bounced off the corridor walls as I wiped a bead of sweat off my forehead.

“I should probably return...”

No one said I had to aimlessly wander about when I could just wait for someone to get me. I knew for a fact that Dean would come running, jubilant to tell how one of the female servants gave him the time of day. Just as I considered it, an oddly-familiar voice called out from behind.

“Lewis?”

I turned around.

An embroidered blue Victorian dress. Such was my first impression of Carly as she stared at me. Her gown’s frills of silk danced elegantly as she drew near, and below the neck a big bright jewel caught my eye. Just one of those, I could only imagine the amount of shops I would build.

“Lewis,” her stern voice rang in my ears, snapping me out of my musings. “Where were you yesterday?”

I shrugged. “In another world?”

“Dean said you spoke to the king,” she said, ignoring the witty remark.

Ah, the king. That’s right, we had that ridiculous conversation, didn’t we.

“Yes. Please don’t tell me you fell for his prattle--”

“The people need our help, Lewis.” Carly crossed her arms. Her eyes looked dead-serious.

Faced with such a strong gaze, the floor became strangely compelling to look at.

I’ve never believed in altruism. Unless you knew what those “good” people thought of while they gave an old man some coins, you wouldn’t be able to tell if they did it out of goodwill or just to feel smug about themselves.

That same situation was being reenacted right now with the group of four trying to play heroes. And I had nothing against them doing so. They could go swing their swords and get themselves killed for all I cared. My only wish was for them not to pull me into their little game.

As if she had sensed my thoughts, Carly sighed.

“What are you doing here?” She gave up and asked.

“...Bathroom.”

She pointed at the ceiling. “You’ve already passed it. It’s on the second…” Her finger curled back to her palm, “No, nevermind. Just follow me.”

As I was left to hurry after her withdrawing figure, it quickly became apparent that I had been going in the wrong direction for a while. The mansion’s hallway must have been build by a labyrinth enthusiast, as it spread off like a maze, its walls complete mirrors except for the occasional painting or vase on a table. How everyone found their way in this myriad of corridors was a mystery to me; I could only marvel at my guide’s sense of direction.

Only the muffled sound of footsteps followed as we walked down the hallway. I didn’t mind this moment of silence, and would have gladly kept my mouth shut, but some questions were on my mind.

“What did the king say?” I decided to ask.

Upon hearing me, Carly’s steps visibly slowed down. She looked at the sides, her bun haircut giving a small wobble, and after making sure we were alone, she spoke:

“The kingdom is in danger, it seems.” Her voice was low, as if she had revealed a secret. “I don’t know the exact details, but it’s something about war breaking out.”

“War... Does it have something to do with the other races?”

“Find out yourself. We’ve decided to help them. You can stay here and become a vegetable if you want.” Her steps came to a halt. “Anyways, the baths should be just up the stairs. I haven’t been there before as they are men’s only, but you shouldn't have any problems finding your way.”

She was about to turn around and leave, so I made up my mind and asked the question bugging me from the start.

“Hold on. And what’s with the outfit?”

“Ah, this...” She looked down at her dress. “There will be an official meeting in an hour. Which reminds me, you really need a change of clothes.” Her small nose twitched as she gazed at my shirt.

“An hour. Then where are you heading now?”

“Ah. To get, um, something to eat.”

“Dressed like that?” It seemed too formal for lunch.

A sudden thought crossed my mind, and I couldn’t help but grin.

“So you like roleplay?”

Her face froze, and my smile spread even further.

I’ve known Carly for a while before I had changed schools, and always thought of her as someone who wouldn’t be interested in dressing up like a princess. In fact, I could still remember my classmates’ shocked faces when she didn’t refuse to be Juliet in the school play. At that time I simply wrote it off as her being bored, but now that I looked at her, I couldn’t be more mistaken. She clearly enjoyed it.

Her head hung low in embarrassment, ears turning bright red. Although it was very amusing to see her like that, I decided not to pester any further and passed her by as I climbed the stairs.

“It-It’s not roleplay…” She finally muttered, but my figure was already gone.

***

“Whew, those were worse than I thought,” I gazed down the twisting section of stairs below.

It took way longer than expected. By the time I dragged my heavy feet onto the last pair of steps, my chest was heaving rapidly and sweat had drenched my clothes.

I took a deep breath, my pulse steadying as the musky air filled my lungs.

This hallway seemed a lot smaller, and for the first time an end was in sight. Doors were lined uniformly on both walls, and I still had no idea where to go. At least, not until from one of them a man came out.

He wore nothing but a towel, his toned muscles for the world to see. I didn’t even have time to think when he strode to the opposite wall and went through one of its doorways. Thankfully, my presence went unnoticed so I sighed in relief.

The first door he had used must have lead to the baths. With such a thought, I neared the entrance and eyed the silver plate above it.

The inscriptions were different. In place of those strange symbols, which could make even an archaeologist wail in despair, were three wavy lines and a sword. It didn’t take a genius to guess what they meant, so I went in.

The sultry air made me swelter, its vapory substance blurring my vision.

The dressing room was right in front of me and clean towels were stacked up to the side, placed on a wooden stand.

After a moment of looking around, I took off my T-shirt and left its wrinkled form on the floor where no one would step on. It was already stinking more than what was tolerable so a little dust wouldn’t do it any harm. I was somewhat hesitant to do the same with my underwear, I would be butt-naked after all, but then I recalled the man from earlier. The rest of my clothes quickly followed and I wound up a towel over my waist, ready for the water.

The rectangular pool had a column on each of its sides, supporting the ceiling’s considerable height. A stone statue rose from under the pool and reminded me of a more muscular version of Ortonoff. My lips curled into a smile. Although he didn’t seem that buffed when I talked to him, the sculptor did a good job of portraying his droopy eyes in all of their glory.

My feet stepped on the floor, its cool surface pleasant to the touch. As I sank to my shoulders in the warm water, the stress that had pent up seeped out, washed away by the liquid’s lapping at my skin.

“Ah… Bathing really is the best…”

“Gyohoho, so I’m not alone?”

My heart nearly burst out of its rib cage as I clambered out of the bath. Trying to turn around, the slippery ground proved to be my enemy as my foot slid and I plummeted downwards.

“Gyohoho! Youngins these days! If you’re this scared of a scrawny old man, how can you save a kingdom?” My perpetrator let out a hearty laugh.

I held onto my chin for dear life and rolled around in horror, the corners of my eyes watering. It dislocated. I meant it. I definitely heard something pop.

In all of my unathletic life, I’ve never had broken bones or dislocations. I’ve never seriously participated in sports, so the worst injury I had gotten was a bruise on the knee. But the pain experienced then didn’t come close to what I felt now. It was enough for even the quiet me to cry out.

“Ohoh? I apologise for my outburst when you’re in such pain.” He kneeled down and slowly lifted my face, his sculptured muscles and dangling package becoming apparent. “Hmm. A dislocated jaw.”

His hand ran across my chin, as if searching for something. My mouth hurt quite a bi--

*POP*

I almost blacked out as pain hit me in the mouth again.

“That’s better, isn’t it?” The old man let out yet another guffaw. He let go of my chin, leaving me to almost crash head-first into the floor. “You should have seen the look on your face! Gyohohoho!” He slid into the bath.

The pain in my chin slowly lessened, although moving it still made me grimace. My palm brushed the tears from the rims of my eyelids and I turned to look at man.

Milky hair coiled behind his head, reaching past his broad shoulders and above the waist. He stretched in the water, the multiple scars on his back betraying his light-hearted nature.

“What’s the matter youngin’? Aren’t you coming in?” He turned around, revealing a face surprisingly scar-free.

I timidly got into the bath, this time making sure of my footing. My left hand had glued itself onto my throbbing jaw, as if releasing it would bring back all the pain.

“You sure are a lively one, almost gave me a jump too!” His broad smile gave away two rows of dazzling teeth. “Being cautious is splendid. A sign of a good warrior. Or a coward.”

As he eyed me up and down, inspecting every bit of muscle on my lanky physique, I could only make guesses of what he saw in me.

I glanced down at myself.

Two skinny hands hung limply below the water’s surface. I was certainly not skin and bones, although my figure could be called anything but handsome. Years of sitting in front of the screen had taken its toll while going to the gym to work out seemed like a chore. Warrior? You jest. I looked more like a malnourished brat.

The man’s uncomfortable stare stopped and his head nodded in understanding.

“Four, no, three months I guess,” he mumbled under his breath. “Oh! Please ignore my impoliteness, I’ve forgotten to introduce myself.” The water shook as he bent his head forward. “Head Butler Domon Carleby. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Leuwish.”

“Gyohoho! I know who you are, young man. In fact, everyone in the palace knows.” Domon leaned back and gazed at the towering statue, his fiery eyes carrying a hint of admiration. “Savior Lewis. The Sleeping Hero. The one who made Marinel Ganelezian Ortonoff cry with laughter. I can see why that prideful man found you amusing.”

“I’m naht--” A sting of pain made my face flinch.

“I advise you don’t talk too much. Unfortunately, restoration magic is not my forte, so you will have to endure until Aldron gets a look at you.”

Magic. As if the word pulled the lever on my childish imagination, my heartbeat accelerated.

Being a computer nerd, I’ve known many games with magic systems in them. If Aldron could ignite his finger, then there ought to be magicians who can control wind or water. With that in mind, what type of magic did I have?

“Fweim.” I cringed. Definitely not fire.

“Gyohoho, It’s not that simple, youngin! Like everything in life, magic takes practice. In your case especially, you’ll need a lot.”

I looked at him questioningly. In my case?

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Domon said. With a heave, he got out of the pool, my eyes averting because of obvious reasons, and sauntered towards the exit. “You’ll understand eventually.”

I didn’t say anything. My jaw hurt after all.

Water droplets fell from his white hair, crashing against the smooth ground to an even rhythm. Just as he gripped the doorknob, his feet suddenly stopped.

“In any case, the guest bathrooms are further down the corridor. Although we servants would find it an honour to bathe with a living legend, they might be more to your liking.”

With those words, Head Butler Domon Carleby left the bath, leaving me with more questions than answers.

Author's Note

First draft!

I would love to know if anything felt weird, clunky, or plain boring.

Reviews

[Kathrin S]

Hi Nod! I'm so sorry for the delay on this, but getting settled in a new city took more time than I anticipated. Here's my review! Overall I really enjoyed the chapter, and I think your story is coming along nicely. It's such a unique idea, I really feel like I've never read anything quite like it, and am interested in how it continues.

In general, the thing I think you could focus most on is to make it a bit simpler. The average reader wants to hear your story, not fancy words, so the simpler it is, the more likely he/she's going to stay interested and continue reading.

Here are my detailed notes:

- "any sign of going in the right direction" -> "any sign that I was going ..."

- "I woke up" -> "I had woken up" - from the current perspective, this is in the past, so you should use a different tense

- "Teeth hygiene was only one of my worries(,) it seemed."

- "As someone who showered ..." Sometimes your sentences seem a little too long and you could simplify or shorten them a bit.

- "I trod lightly ..." End this sentence after "possible", then put somethign like: "This was easy, since I was walking on carpet."

- "That reminded me, the locals" - just start the sentence with "The locals ..."

- I would have enjoyed a more detailed description of these signs he couldn't read. What did they look like? Did one sign remind him of a house, or a face, or a crown, etc.? Do the signs look like pictures, or very random, are there dots or lines or circles ...?

- "Faced with such a strong gaze ..." This seems too complex. You could just put "I looked at the floor as her strong gaze seemed to pierce my body." or something.

- "Unless you knew ..." Consider changing this sentence. e.g.: "You never know why someone does a good deed. Is it genuine, or do they just want to feel snug about themselved?"

- "The same situation was being reenacted" - 'reenacted' seems like the wrong word. You could just go with 'happening'

- "As I was left to hurry" -> "As I hurried"

- "The mansion's hallway must have been buil(t) by a labyrinth enthusiast(. I)t spread off ..."

- "Only the muffled sound of (our) footsteps followed" - replace followed with smth like 'could be heard'. Also, 'only' is repeated from the previous sentence.

- "I decided to ask." -> "I asked."

- "Upon hearing me," Cut this, it's obvious that she heard.

- "Carly's steps visibly" - cut out visibly - again, it's obvious that it's visible because he noticed, otherwise he wouldn't have seen it.

- "She looked at the sides" -> "She looked to the side"

- "bun haircut giving a small wobble" -> "bun wobbling"

- "(But) you can stay here and become ..."

"I haven't been here before as they are men's only, but ..." - make simpler, e.g. "They are men's only, so I won't accompany you."

- "I've known Carly" -> "I knew Carly"

- "shocked faces when she didn't refuse to be" -> 'agreed to be'

- "I couldn't be more mistaken" -> "I realized I'd been mistaken"

- "Although it was very amusing to see her like that, I decided" - consider making it simpler and not stating his feelings - readers are more engaged if they can decipher his feelings and aren't being told. e.g. "I smiled, but decided"

- "She finally muttered" - so if he's already gone, how does he know she muttered this? e.g. replace with 'I was already walking out of earshot."

- "It took way" -> "It had taken way"

- "Doors were lined uniformly on both walls" - simplify, e.g. "Doors lined both walls"

- "At least, not until ..." order isn't correct: "At least, not until a man came out of one of them."

- "I didn't even have time to think(,) when"

- "Thankfully, my presence went unnoticed(. I) sighed in relief." I think it would be more effective this way.

- "With such a thought," -> "With that thought,"

- "I neared the entrance and eyed" - consider changing, e.g. "I stepped towards it and eyed the silver plate above it."

- "The dressing room ..." I'd change the order, i.e.: "The dressing room was right in front of me and clean towels were stacked up on a wooden stand to the side."

- "T-shirt and left its wrinkled form" -> "T-shirt and left it, wrinkled,"

- "It was already stinking more than what was tolerable" -> "It was already untolerably stinky"

- "I was somewhat hesitant to do the same with my underwear (-) I would be butt-naked after all (-) but then I recalled" - also, you could cut out 'after all'

- "I wound up a towel over my waist" -> "I wound a towel around my waist"

- "supporting the ceiling's considerable height" -> "supporting the heigh ceiling"

- "A stone statue rose from under the pool(, reminding) me of"

- "Although he didn't seem" -> "Although he hadn't seemed" Tense

- "the stress that had pent up seeped out" -> "my pent-up tension seeped out"

- "by the liquid's lapping" - cut the ('s), it's not necessary.

- "the slippery ground proved to be my enemy(, and) as my foot slid(,) I plummeted"

- "But the pain (I had) experienced then didn't ..." Or just put something like "That's why I was so unprepared for the searing pain on my face."

- "I apologise for my outburst when you're in such pain" - I'd change this; e.g.: "I apologise. You're obviously in pain."

- "My mouth hurt quite a bi-" Put something stronger, e.g. "My mouth was pounding-"

- "I almost blacked out as ..." you could change this, e.g.: "I almost blacked out as a fresh wave of pain hit me."

- "He slid (back) into the bath."

- "reaching past his broad shoulders and above the waist" - put something like 'and down almost to his waist'

- 'on his back betraying his light-hearted nature' - don't tell us this, show us later. You could just put 'on his back showing.'

- "Two skinny hands hung limply" - wasn't he holding his chin?

- "while going to the gym to work out ..." You could put a full stop after 'while', then say something like 'I'd never been one to go to the gym.'

- "I looked more like a malnourished brat." - but before you said that he's not skin and bones, so why is he malnourished?

- "The man's uncomfortable stare stopped" -> "The man ended his uncomfortable stare"

- "he mumbled under his breath. (Then, louder:) 'Oh! Please ignore ...'"

- "In fact, everyone" - cut out 'in fact'

- "A sting of pain made my face flinch" - 'made me flinch' - don't replace 'me' with body parts too often.

- "With a heave ..." I'd change this, e.g.: "With a heave, he got out of the pool. I averted my eyes, for obvious reasons, as he sauntered towards the exit."

- "My jaw hurt after all" -> "My jaw was still hurting."

- "crashing against the smooth" - crashing is too strong for water, it's usually associated with solids. You could just put 'bursting on the smooth ground'

- "Just as he gripped the ..." -> "As he gripped the doorknob, he stopped."


That's it! I hope some of it helps. A few things are grammatical, but most are stylistic things I'd change. You should get someone else to proofread it as well, and they might have some other ideas.

I really love your dialog, that's what I enjoyed most about your writing. And no, nothing felt boring!

I'd be happy to read and review the next chapter as well!