Chapter 1: Arrival

There's a prologue before this chapter, so please read that first!

My eyes snapped open, and instantly I grimaced. I don't know who said that sleep rests the brain, but he was a damn liar. My head pounded as every miniature movement sent shocks of pain through my nervous system. Trying not to move too much, I let my eyes sweep over my surroundings.

 

An unfamiliar ceiling. Its bare white appearance towered above me--no lamps, chandeliers, or whatever a normal room tended to have these days. Instead, the lighting came from an open window on the left, and I could see the clear blue sky.

 

I ran my fingers over the silky cloth below me. I seemed to be lying on a bed. I couldn’t bend my neck and confirm it, but I could feel a pillow under my head. On the right, large paintings hung on the red wall. Epic battles and posing knights were drawn in great detail, something you wouldn’t be surprised to find in a castle. There were tapestries too, though they couldn’t be seen very well from my peripheral vision.

 

So… Where am I?

 

I remembered the flash of light perfectly. Although I had no idea of what it was or what it implied, it definitely had something to do with my current situation.

 

Wait… It couldn’t be aliens, right?

 

I pulled aside the bedcover and sat up, immediately regretting my decision as a wave of nausea hit me.

 

As my stomach turned upside down, and I was considering letting it out on the floor, a prompt look around the room revealed a grass-green vase. Placed on the center of a small table right next to the bed, it was immaculately made. Days must have been spent spent painstakingly creating this piece of work. In it bloomed a single flower, leaving a large part of the vase empty.

 

I then proceeded to barf my guts out. The acrid stench of acid filled the room and irritated my nostrils as the contents of my breakfast spewed forth. The table was not spared--there were no witnesses--though this was far from a perfect crime. As I leaned forwards and the last bits of pizza dribbled from my mouth, my head stopped pounding. I didn’t know how puking could alleviate something so painful, but it worked, and I felt good.

 

I wiped my mouth and sat down on the bed. Feeling light-headed and with a face most likely bleached, I turned my eyes off the abomination I had made. The door was wide open.

 

A woman stood still with her hand on the handle. She had jet-black hair curled into a bun and was clad in a black and white plain dress. Her small pink lips were slightly parted, as if she had witnessed something she shouldn’t have.

 

Without saying a word, or giving me time to explain, she shut the door. Five minutes passed in silence. Then, just as I was about to give up on life, she re-entered, a similar-clothed woman in tow.

 

"Please follow me," Icy Eyes said, bowing briefly. She then ambled through the corridor, my blunder magnanimously ignored.

 

Naturally, I did as asked. I didn't question her or anything--engaging in conversation wasn't in any of our interests. Instead, as we quietly walked on a long crimson carpet and made a few sharp turns, I took the chance to observe the outside scenery from the windows and openings on the brick walls.

 

A wooden pavillion immediately piqued my interest. It was surrounded by a flowery garden and well-kept hedges, and housed two figures under its shade.

 

From what I could see with the sun shining direcly in my eyes, one of them was a servant. She had chestnut hair, wore the same clothes as Icy Eyes, and poured tea in a cup next to a young lady. Behind the servant, put on a dessert trolley were various metal lids. Pastries, most likely.

 

Shifting my gaze to the lady, our eyes met. I couldn't see her face, but I was certain of where she was looking. The girl seemed younger, probably in her teens. Her blond hair was tied into a ponytail and her frilly yellow dress swayed lightly in the breeze. With elegance she stood up, made a step forward, grasped the ends of her dress, and made a curtsy.

 

Yes, a curtsy. She turned to face me, crossed her left leg behind her right, an extremely practiced motion, and with a straight back and lowered head, bent her knees down to make something I have seen performed only in movies.

 

I'm sure, in these kinds of situations, a quick bow or nod of the head was in order. The young lady displayed beautiful grace, so I had to reply in kind, right? I’m sorry to disappoint you. The moment she grabbed her dress, I was already facing forward like we’ve never met. I completely denied her existence.

 

We kept walking for some time, me trying not to look at the various black-and-white women passing us, until we came close to a wooden double door. Chatter could be heard from the other side.

 

As the servant opened the door on the left, the savory smell of roasted meat and alcohol met my nose. Heads of beasts and animals hung lifelessly on the walls, something I found quite disturbing. Three rectangular tables, slightly curved at the ends, stood in the middle and a smaller one was put a little higher with four empty seats around it.

 

I cast my eyes on the table that had food, and recognised two familiar faces. Dean and Samuel sat in front of each other, ate something like skewered meat, and drank wine, occasionally laughing their asses off. They noticed me, and Dean’s eyes widened.

 

"Lewish!" He said with a full mouth and patted the brown leather seat next to his. "You're finally up, man! Honestly, with how you plopped on the floor, I thought you were a goner."

 

I stopped. “…Plopped on the floor?” 

 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t wake up no matter what we did. Are you alright, man?” Answered Bushy Eyebrows, his cheeks visibly flushed.

 

Now that I had a better look, their clothes had changed. They had matching brown pants, and although Samuel wore his usual jumper, Dean's shirt was replaced by a white tunic.

 

"Dean, how long was I out?" I asked in a serious tone.

 

"Uh... Three days maybe?" He scratched his head. "I was worried, y’know."

 

Three days. The longest I had slept in my life was fourteen hours, and that was after putting off sleep for a long time. Dean had been here for three days, which means...

 

"Then, do you know where we are, what's happening here?" I looked around. "And the others?"

 

"Ah, the girls, they're in the public bath right now. We just started without 'em." Dean motioned at the table. "About why we're here... man, honestly, even if I told you, you wouldn't take me seriously."

 

"Explain," I insisted.

 

It was driving me nuts. I didn't know anything about my location, and from the looks of things, it was pretty far from home. I had my reasons for not freaking out like a little girl, but I doubt me and Dean were on the same boat. His easygoing attitude made me anxious.

 

Just as he was about to open his mouth, the servant made the most fake cough I have heard, and headed through an alcove on the right. Stairs extended from the other side.

 

"Well, no use telling you when you're about to find out." Dean grinned and shooed me away from the table.

                                                                                      

Watching as he nonchalantly went back to eating, I followed Icy Eyes and climbed the spiraling stairs. As we made our way up the last pair of steps and through a similar alcove, the atmosphere changed.

                                                             

First of all, guards. Men in steel stood at equal intervals, bardiches in hand. They were in every part of the corridor, and I swear I would have written them off as statues if not for the sharp look one of them sent my way. On their right shoulder an emblem of a bear was carefully carved. Standing on it's hinds legs, it's mouth was wide open, teeth showing.

 

Then there was the decor. Man-sized portraits of people I've never seen littered the walls. Golden sculptures of important personages stood on pedestals near the entrances. A delicate fragrance wafted around, most likely from the strange blue flowers we'd just passed. It took no more than a minute to get to the last set of double doors before the servant stopped, and I found myself holding my breath.

 

Icy Eyes knocked lightly, and one of the doors opened. She turned to face me, bowed, and went in, probably to inform of my arrival.

 

Trying to calm my shaky hands, I awaited my turn. A short while later they opened again. This time a guard gestured for me to move. I tried not to pay attention to his creepy stare, which I admit, proved suprisingly difficult, and walked on the carpet I had now grown accustomed to.

 

The hall was enormous. Stone pillars rose from both sides of the red cover, and an armed knight had their back on each one, vigilant of my every movement. The glowing sun peeked from arched windows, its rays of light bending from their steel plates.

 

At the end of the hall was a throne. Sitting on this combination of ornate wood, emerald and gold was a man in the autumn of his life. His silver hair combed and beard smoothed, he oozed dignity and sagacity. His age-chiseled forehead faced me, a pair of droopy eyes sizing me up.

 

Next to him, on his left, stood a man of similar age. Robed in blue, he had hair only on the side of his head, leaving the top bald. He confidently held his hands in the back and gazed with interest, though in what part of me he was interested in I wasn't sure.

 

On the right was a knight in full armor. Being the only one not wearing a helmet, I was shocked that instead of another old man, I was met by a red-haired young woman. In her gauntlets she gripped the pommel of a thin sword, the sharp point of which pointed downward. A small scar protruded from her upper cheek, and made its way up to her brow, just barely missing the eye. Thankfully, she seemed to hold no interest in me, judging by her bored look.

 

As I reached the end of the red carpet and was thinking whether to kneel or not, the man on the throne spoke--

 

"Might you be Lewis?" His baritone voice shook me to the very core.

 

I nodded. It was something I had learned early in life. Nodding required no amout of talking, handshaking, shoulder bumping or eye contact. It was the perfect weapon for these situations.

 

The man gave a nod of his own. "Good. Then let's get something out of the way.” He stood up. “You are not on Earth--as you call it--anymore. Right now you are on Argoth, in the kingdom of Sinua... I am Ganelezian Marinel Ortonoff, it's rightful ruler. You may call me Ortonoff." He then pointed at the bald man on his left. “Grand Magician Aldron.” Then to his right. “Sword mistress Arna Nefis. Please treat them well.”

 

Hmm, okay. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. Behind the poker face I was hopefully showing, my mind raced with questions. His first statement rang especially loud. This was not Earth. This was Argoth--a place where kings, Grand Magicians and sword mistresses lived. It felt like a scene straight out of Harry Potter. Speaking of fantasy...

 

I looked at the bald-headed man. Seemingly noticing what I had in mind, the king, too, faced the Grand Magician.

 

“Aldron.”

 

Aldron bowed, left the king’s side and stopped just a meter from me. He then pointed a finger at the ceiling.

 

“Flame.” His finger was set ablaze, startling the living daylights out of me. Magic. I was astonished. No matter how I looked at it, it didn't seem like trickery. 

 

The flames on his finger wriggled vehemently, but Aldron remained stoic. He even moved his hand closer so I could have a better look. The finger was definitely on fire, but the skin wasn’t getting scorched, and the bald man didn’t seem to be in pain. A minute of dumb staring later, the flame went out and Aldron returned to his post.

 

“I hope this is enough evidence,” Ortonoff said, a dry smile on his face. “Though your friends had a more amusing reaction…”

 

An image of Dean freaking out crossed my mind. I shrugged. Shouting and screaming when the unexpected happened was just not my style, and even if it was, I was too exhausted to think straight at the moment. Feeling like now was a good time, I decided to ask:

 

"...Why am I here?"

 

"Ah, yes, we still haven't talked about that..." The king paused for a moment. "Lewis. What do you think about heroes?”

 

My fingers twitched. He was testing me.

 

"Is there a wrong answer to this question?" I tried to play it safe. I didn't know what privileges a king had in this world, but I sure bet he could execute me if he didn't like my answer.

 

The king burst into laughter. "God, no! There's no right or wrong answer, my lad. I simply desire to hear your thoughts on this matter." He leaned on his palm and stroked his beard, clearly enjoying this.

 

I sighed. Should I lie? No, I'm sure he would see through me. Politicians were observant people, even more so if they stood at the top of the hierarchy. And I was a terrible liar. So I decided on a short, honest answer.

 

"Heroes don't exist."

 

As my words echoed through the hall, you might have been expecting gasps of shock or someone shouting “Blasphemy!”, but we were the only ones here. Instead, what followed was deep silence.

 

I’m dead, I thought, staring at the king’s feet. I messed up. He didn't like it. I felt my temperature slowly rise.

 

Heroes. It was such a simple concept, now that I thought about it. Every nation had them. The sword mistress might have been one too. And I insulted them. I didn’t even try to ask myself what heroism might have meant in their culture.

 

My eyes slowly moved up.

 

Ortonoff's hands were balled into fists, white knuckles showing. His colorful golden-lined garments convulsed up and down, threatening to explode at any moment. He was furious.

 

My vision tunneled. 

 

I had to do something, dig my way out of this predicament. I had to talk, say something, anything. But my lips werent moving. 

 

As despair welled up in the pit of my stomach and was about to engulf me, I looked at his face.

 

He… wasn’t angry?

 

His eyes gleamed like rubies, and the corners of his mouth were twisted into a broad smile, like a child who had just found himself a new toy. He was beaming.

 

Relief washed over me almost instantly. I was going to live, most likely. Muscles relaxed, and though that didn’t stop my heart from beating like a jackhammer, I could now think straight.

 

The mist from my eyes cleared away, revealing two puzzled faces staring at their crazed king. Aldron looked around anxiously, opening and closing his mouth, trying to figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t blame him.

 

Ortonoff desperately tried to contain his surging emotions, and was failing miserably. Tears started to form under the rims of his eyes as his body shook uncontrollably. Just as it couldn't become any more awkward, the bald man made a step forward:

 

“Spirits of light, hear my plea--“

 

“I’m okay, Aldron… Just got a little excited…” The king lifted his hand, stopping him.

 

"...I'm sorry you had to see me like that." He slowly regained his calm demeanor. “I heard your reply. I will gladly answer any of your questions, but that would require you to hear me out first.” Ortonoff leaned back on his throne, the last bits of glimmer in his eyes dwindling. Taking my bewilderment for acceptance, he continued.

                                    

"We are in dire straits, my lad. We no longer have the power to oppose the other races." 

 

"There are others?" I was happy to change the subject.

 

"Yes… If you travel north from our kingdom you will find beastkin settlements. They are not very peaceful, so I advice you stay away from them. A little to the west, across the Great Oak Forest, a series of villages center around a giant tree. Those are the elins." He pointed at what I assumed was the west. "There are more, but that is for another time... "

 

Ortonoff glanced at the red-haired woman. As if remembering something bad, his lips pursed into a thin line.

 

"I made a gamble, my boy. And I still have yet to see if it was worth it... I sent my best men to their deaths. Fifty brave warriors, with families waiting for them at home." His wrinkled forehead creased even more. "Only a small part survived. They had brought with them a scroll from a dungeon." Ortonoff looked me in the eyes. 

 

"It was a scroll of summoning magic."

 

Suddently it made sense. His gamble, a summoning scroll. The pieces started to fall together, and I broke out in a cold sweat.

 

"Then..."

 

Oortonoff nodded. "You and your friends came out." 

 

"..."

 

"I know it's a lot to take in. Especially when you've just woken up… But fear not, my boy, you're not as powerless as you think. You have potential."

 

I looked up. Was this guy for real?

 

"Potential? How could I have that? I've never fought with anyone, I've never held a sword. Our world doesn't have magic. Forget saving the kingdom, leave me in a forest and I'll starve in two days."

 

"That may have been the case before. But here you're powerful. And the people need your help..."

 

"People... What about the scroll? Can it summon other people?"

 

The king smiled wryly. "It's a single use magic item. It burned to cinders the moment we performed the ritual."

 

"Then... Then... did you try making copies?" Dread started to creep within me.

 

"We took three months just for that... No matter how similar the scrolls looked from the original, they just flared up without any results."

 

"...Can we go back home?" I asked, knowing the answer.

 

Ortonoff looked down at the marble floor. "I am sorry..."

 

"..."

 

My stomach dropped. I can't go back. I'm stuck here forever. No television, computers or smartphones. No internet.

 

If I had food left in my system, it would have been on the carpet right now. That's how queasy I felt at the moment. My head swayed, knees were unsteady. It was exhausting to stay still. I just wanted to lay down, sleep, and wake up at home.

 

"You must be feeling tired," Ortonoff finally said. "We've talked enough. You can go rest in the bed chambers. It's past lunchtime, so a servant can get food for you." He motioned at the doors, and they spread open. "Don't be reserved if you're in need of something. It is the least I can do for bringing you here…"

 

I didn't have the strength to reply. I just slowly, with wobbly movements, walked past the knights and made my way out. 

 

The doors shut behind me, and I found myself looking at Icy Eyes. She did her usual bow, and we headed to the spiraling stairs.

 

The dining hall was empty. Dean and Samuel hadn't waited for me, and I was glad that they didn't. I was not in the mood for talking, or any type of physical activity that involved using the brain at the moment.

 

But who am I to decide, right?

 

Icy Eyes had stopped, her sharp blue eyes in my direction. She obviously wanted something, but stayed silent.

 

"What?" I was starting to get irritated.

 

"Horned wolf or venison?"

 

"...Horned wolf?" I questioned, wondering if I'd heard right.

 

The servant didn't say another word. She entered through a door on the right, and came back with a circle plate in her hands. Slabs of grilled meat and strips of cheese surrounded a small horn in the middle. Horned wolf...

 

The food was cold and it didn't give off the saliva-inducing smell that Dean's skewers had, but it was still enough to remind me that I hadn't eaten anything in three days. 

 

Paying no heed to my stomach's desperate pleas, we made our way through the corridor, passed the now vacant garden, and stopped after reaching a mahogany golden-handled door. My room.

 

The servant placed the plate with food on a table near the door. She bowed and turned around, leaving me to my own devices.

 

I didn't wait for her to get out of sight. I got the plate, closed the door behind me, and sat myself on a wooden chair. I was famished, and couldn't wait any longer.

 

As the taste of grilled meat, salted and peppered to perfection, spread through my mouth, I could honestly say that I was born for this moment. It was easy to chew, tasted like a mix of chicken and bacon, and with the combination of this godly cheese it made me look at this fantasy world in a new light.

 

Yes, they had no television, but there was magic. Yep, there was no internet, but look at this magnificent cooking! It wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be.

 

A light breeze tickled the nape of my neck, and I turned to look at the opened window.

 

The palace seemed to be built on a hill, because the whole kingdom could be seen from here. Similar buildings surrounded it, and I guessed those were for the nobles, if there was a caste system. They were enormous in size, but did not obscure the view.

 

Down the hill the ground seemed to level and the city spread for as far as I could see. Houses made of wood and bricks were separated by cobblestone roads, on which carriages and caravans made their way. Some parts were full of people, hawking their merchandise on colorful stalls; others had inns and shops with weird-looking signs above the entrances. I could barely make out the walls at the end of the kingdom, even though they were at least fifty meters high.

 

Finishing my meal, I sank on the silky bed, a drowsy look on my face. Argoth. A world where kings, Grand Magicians, and sword mistresses lived. A world of fantasy and magic. When Ortonoff said I had potential, was it in magic I wonder? I extended my arm, the finger pointing at the ceiling.

 

"Flame." 

 

My finger didn't catch fire. Nothing happened. Of course it didn’t. And I was glad. Roasting myself wasn’t in my schedule today.

 

“Fureimu.”

 

No, I guess saying it differently won’t change a thing… So people learn this stuff? Maybe Aldron could teach me how it's done, I thought as I moved to my side.

 

The small table was clean now, and the vase full of vomit was nowhere to be seen. There was a vase, but it was more oblong and had a blue color. A purple flower bloomed inside it, leaving a large part of it empty.

 

The same flower, I smiled.

 

The flower cared not how its vase looked like. It only needed water and some sunlight, and it would grow. In a way, flowers were surprisingly tough.

 

I closed my eyes.

 

I had to continue living. No matter what happened next. I would learn magic, earn money, open up a small shop in some rural area, and live life quietly. I could play along with the king for now. When I get the chance, I’ll just inconspicuously fade away from all this hero stuff.

 

Forget Dean, Samuel, Ortonoff, the people. I don’t need them. I am a flower.

 

Before I noticed, I had passed out.

Author's Note

Second draft. I'm still learning, and will gladly appreciate all suggestions and criticism.

I especially want to know if some of the descriptions were boring to read.

Reviews

[Kathrin S]

A good first chapter!! It fits well with the prologue and I enjoyed it very much. Your writing has already improved from the first version of the prologue!
I liked the pace, the dialogue and the overall structure of the chapter. This is a really interesting story and I'm sure there's a big market out there for this kind of book. It's something I might pick up in a bookstore.

General Suggestions:
- Descriptions: As you seem to have sensed, there are many of them. To me, they are not boring, but depending on who your target audience is, it might be a bit much. Why don't you save some of them for later? When Lewis goes to a place for the second time, you can add a description there, saying something like "In my state of distress, I hadn't even noticed the many pictures on the wall yesterday." And then go on to describe something. Or, instead of describing Ortonoff, the magician and the woman soldier, you could just do two, and then, when Ortonoff introduces the soldier, have Nod notice her for the first time.

- Think about your target audience. Is it teens or young adults? If so, some of your language is a bit complicated. Even I didn't know some of the words you used, so your teen readers probably won't, either. Simpler is usually better.

- Pay attention with passive wordings - it's always better to describe in active form than passive. Similarly, many of the -ing words, especially at the beginning of a sentence, could be replaced.

- I really liked the suspense of not knowing where everyone else was at the beginning. Made me want to keep reading. However, I would have liked a little more time to adjust to this world before going into Ortonoff's room. Maybe lengthen the scene with the others a bit, e.g. make the girls come back from their bath and have some conversation. Maybe just experiment with this and see if it would work or not.

- Re-read and make sure you're consistent with your tenses.

- Nitpicky comment: In English, when you use the three dots ..., you always put a space before them. e.g.: 'What the ...'. Space between 'the' and '...'


Notes while reading:

- First paragraph: good opening.
- 'nerve system' -> 'nervous system'
- "let my eyes sweep over my surroundings" would be the more common expression to use.
- Second paragraph: I like the short sentence at the beginning.
- "an open window", not 'opened'
- "there wasn't anything to be seen" -> "I couldn't see anything" Make it active, not passive. Also, the simpler the better.
- "ran my fingers (over)"
- "I seemed to lay" -> "I seemed to be lying"
- "turn my head" - repetition of head in this sentence
- "So ... where am I?" This should be 'where was I'. However, you could also make this a direct thought by putting it in italics. Like direct speech, but just as a thought. In that case, you could leave it in the present tense.
- Cut 'mind you'
- 'put aside' -> 'pulled aside'
- 'Days were spent' - he wasn't there when it was made, so how does he know so sure? Better would be: 'Days must have been spent'
- 'In in' -> 'in it'
- Puking scene: very vivid and disgusting!
- 'making a brief bow' -> 'bowing briefly'
- 'trod' seems wrong word choice for an elegantly clad lady. Use this word to characterize her and let us know if she's in a hurry (e.g. 'strode') or not (e.g. 'ambled').
- "I tink engaging ..." too complicated. Consider changing this sentence. E.g.: "Engaging in conversation wasn't in any of our interests just then."
- "it's shade" -> "its shade" . 'It's' means 'it is'.
- "Having ..." That's not generally how sentences are started in English. E.g.: "She had chestnut hair instead of the traditional black, and she ..." Also, how does he know that the traditional hair color in this country is black? He's only met one other person, right?
- "dessert trolley(,)"
- How do you know they were desserts if they have metal lids over them?
- "Her face couldn't be seen ..." -> "I couldn't see her face". Active, not passive.
- "from the breeze" -> "in the breeze"
- "I'm sorry to disappoint you." I like this, it involves the reader.
- "my head was already looking forward" -> "I was already looking straight ahead"
- Cut out 'so to speak'
- 'The walking' -> 'we'
- 'Noises of chatter' -> 'Chatter'
- 'having four empty seats' -> 'with four empty seats around it'
- Next paragraph: you have casting, sitting, eating, drinking, laughing. Too many -ing's here.
- 'and pat' -> 'and patted'
- 'Dean was here' - 'had been here'
- 'delicate flowers we('d) just passed.
- 'It wasn't long after' -> 'A short while later'
- Put a full stop after 'again' and put that next sentence in the active.
- Would you stroll in this situation? Strolling sounds more like something you'd do with a friend while gossiping.
- forehead had faced me' - cut 'had'
- 'he had hair (only) on the side'
- 'I had no way of knowing' -> 'I wasn't sure' Simlicity
- 'Being the only ...' -> 'He was the only one not wearing a helmet.' Make 2 sentences.
- 'I (had) learned early'
- What does 'You're a magician, Harry?' have to do with anything? Here, you could maybe clarify: 'It felt like a scene straght out of Harry Potter.' to make the link between this and Ortonoff's statement.
- 'my trustworthiness' - cut out this sentence, to me it isn't needed and is a bit confusing. There was no talk of trustworthiness before this, so where did it come from?
- Does a king say 'I just want to'? I don't know how you want to characterize him, so maybe this is OK, but to me, a king says something more regal, like 'I simply desire'
- 'and stroke(d)'
- Cut 'coming to that conclusion'
- 'As despair ...' But he's already looked up a few sentences ago. If you want him to look up again, he must first look down.
- 'They had brought' - cut 'had'
- 'Potential? How could I ...' To me, this sounds more like his thoughts. Would he really say this to a king? I think it would be kind of cool if he only thought this and the king could read his mind. Or the magician could.
- 'It's the least I ...' Replace It's with It is ... - more formal, since he's a king.
- 'Dean and Samuel didn't wait' -> 'hadn't waited'
- 'but otherwise stayed silent' - cut 'otherwise'
- To me, it seems unlikely that he's suddenly OK with being here. I mean, he's only woken up a few hours ago, in a strange country, with the prospect of never seeing his entire world again. Surely some good food can't make him feel completely happy about that!
- 'I was thrilled ...' Cut.
- 'wasn't in my schedule' -> 'wasn't on my schedule'

- Loved the way he compared himself to a flower. Maybe you could make more of a motif of this and elaborate on the flower more in the beginning.

Hope this wasn't too long/nitpicky, and some of it helped!! Let me know when the second chapter comes out.

[Nod]

I am so thankful for your review! I'll take some time editing and hopefully the writing will turn out alright.

About the descriptions, I have no way to defend myself. I overdescribed everything. Hopefully taking down some or trimming them won't make the writing sound weird. I'm still not sure which though.

The difficult words ... It's the 'faux pass', right? I couldn't find a better word. Will replace it with something else. My target audience is definitely young adults. Maybe when I'm old enough I'll have the wit and experience to write adult fiction.

Passive words. Yeah, they break the immersion. Will try to change them.

You're right about me not giving enough time for the reader to adjust. I might have wanted Ortonoff to be the one who tells Lewis that he's in another world, and because of that I cut short the conversation with his friends. Maybe I should make Lewis doubt Dean when he tells him about this new world? And then he will see for himself at the throne room.

About the ellipses, I'm don't think you're wrong. But here it says some writers and editors do it like me, and others like you. So it seems it's a matter of choice. http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp

Now ... grammar. I'm so embarrassed! This really reminds me that English is not my native language. I can only hope that I'll get better as I read and write more. I'm really thankful that you are pointing them out.

Ortonoff. He's a difficult character to make dialogue for. I've read very little about how royalty speak and hope that he didn't feel like your generic old man.

Describing the flower in the beginning may be a good idea. That way the reader will mistake me for a smart person that planned the ending scene from the start! Hopefully.

By the way, was the puke scene any good? I'm glad that you found it disgusting, but was it the good disgusting or the bad? I'm afraid it might have been a bit too graphic.

Again, thank you so much! You don't have to worry about review length or if you're nitpicking. I'm actually happy that it's so detailed. Chapter 2 might come next week. In the meantime, send me anything and I'll try my best to help.

[Kathrin S]

No, but I like your descriptions. I really would suggest not cutting them out, but maybe putting some in Chapter 2. They add to the story, but depending on your audience, it might be a lot at once.

That would work, yes. Because Dean isn't always very nice/truthful, so Lewis could either think he's still dreaming or think that Dean is playing a joke on him.

Puke scene: keep it for now, it is very graphic but I think your readers can handle it. It's not bad disgusting to me.


Don't be embarrassed! Writing a book in your native tongue is super hard and not a lot of people can do it. But writing it in another language is an incredible challenge! You're doing a really good job so far. Keep going, don't worry about making mistakes, everyone does. And many of the mistakes you made are common among native speakers (e.g. the it's vs. its thing - many natives don't do it right). I'm just particularly nitpicky :)

[Nod]

Okay then! I'll just fix the things you mentioned, and will think about Dean and Lewis' conversation before moving on to chapter 2. Please look forward to it!

[Poopewpachoo]

“You’re a magician, Harry.”
Were you trying not to go against copyright laws? Haha.

"Forget Dean, Samuel..."
Honestly. They seem like terrible friends for just enjoying everything without paying attention to him or even waiting.

Okay, so let's start...
Was the beginning supposed to mean anything? I feel like it was a bit random if you didn't really DO anything with that information throughout the chapter.
I mean, sure we at least sort of knew who Ortonoff, Aldron, and Arna were, but I feel like that meeting with Lewis would have had more impact if that first scene wasn't there (or placed somewhere else). I saw the meeting and what they said coming, so none of it really surprised me, thanks to that. And the King would have seemed more mysterious if we didn't know he had just received bad news.

Details/descriptions. You have some wonderful descriptions of things that literally took my breath away. However, there were some parts where it was just TOO much description all at once. You just had description after description for certain parts and it just dragged (for me, anyway... this could be different for someone else). I loved the details you provided while Lewis and Ortonoff were speaking because it was in between their dialogue, so it flowed really nicely.
I know having detailed descriptions is good and all, but sometimes simper is better. Don't just dump everything on us at once. Try spreading it out a bit more; especially since this is an entirely different world. You don't just want to shove us in and expect us not to get light-headed.

Overall, it has a relatively good flow. Not much has happened, so I can't really say whether or not the plot is good (since I don't exactly know what it is yet besides Lewis being stuck there and a so-called "hero").
I'm definitely willing to check out your next chapter, though, so please continue to write!
If written well, I'm sure this will turn out pretty great.

[Nod]

Thanks for reviewing! I'll definetely use your advice.

Yeah, the beginning was not good, I'll try to change it to something else, maybe a fight scene in the dungeon? Or I should just delete it.

About the descriptions, I'm not sure which you found boring, so please let me know if you find the time. I think I overdescribed the scene with Lewis and Ortonoff, so I'll trim it down a little and spread the information.

Were the jokes funny, cringy? I really want to know...

Again, thank you so much! I'll continue to write, and you can expect the chapters to be more unpredictable from now on.

[Poopewpachoo]

It was my pleasure.
Again, most of my opinions/suggestions might not be the right thing, but it's just my personal thoughts.

If it isn't going to be used at all throughout the chapter or next chapter, then I suggest you take it down completely. It was good piece of information, but it was just really awkwardly placed. You could maybe use it as a flashback or as part of another chapter when it's needed. Like I said, the info in it was good and not boring. Just random and confusing at that point.

For me, personally, I just found the descriptions from when he was walking around with Icy Eyes to be a bit dragging. They weren't boring, but it was just really flowery. Sometimes, when writers use too many descriptive words at once, it gets really over-whelming (again, this is just for me).
I thought the description during the scene with Lewis and Ortonoff was pretty well-done. Like I said, you put the details/descriptions in between the dialogue, so it flowed rather nicely.

I didn't think any of the jokes were cringy. I'll definitely let you know when that happens, seeing as I'm not a fan of mis-placed jokes. As long as you don't ruin the atmosphere with a joke during your story, then I'll take in any comedy with open arms.

I'm honestly looking forward to your next few chapters. I can at least tell you that this is one of the better-written stories I've come across on this website. Of course, no offense to the other writers, but I can tell that you've put in a lot of work. Keep it up!

[Nod]

Holy cow, I didn't expect this flattery. Thanks so much!

I'll keep writing, and will review some of your works in the meantime.

[Poopewpachoo]

Oh, don't mention it! ^_^