Prologue

It was the dreaded month of September. School had already started, and with it the began the monotonous life of a twelfth grade student. University was just one step away--it was impossible not to get anxious. After all, it was up to us to decide how our futures would go. 

 

"Man, I have to say, Claire's b***s are enormous..." Seemingly not sharing my worries, Dean continued his ramblings. "Doesn't this contradict the laws of physics?" 

 

Dean was sitting at the front of my desk, his fingers annoyingly drumming on my books, his other hand fanning the manure-colored shirt he often wore even though it wasn’t particularly hot. He wasn't bad-looking by nature. You’d mistake him for a normal guy, at least if you ignored his ugly smirk that tended to surface on these kinds of talks. 

 

With a groan, I looked up from my book and glared. "Doesn't your being here contradict them even more?"

 

"You're changing the subject! I mean, look! Don't tell me you wouldn't want some of that?"

 

I frowned at Dean’s tasteless remark. But he had a point, it was high time to start thinking about relationships, what with now being the last time we would see our classmates. We could try our luck, and even if it didn't work out, we wouldn't be stuck together for another year.

 

Dean seemed to realize that, judging by his constant ogle, but it had nothing to do with me.

 

I finally gave up on reading my book in peace, laid it down, and looked at my naive friend. "You know Dean, breasts are a mysterious thing--one moment they seem to contain the hopes and dreams of all men, but when it's time to roll, you find out they're full of lies. Kind of like a bag of chips."

 

Dean made a face of disbelief, his eyes turning sympathetic. "...You're gonna die a virgin, you know that?"

 

"That's my line, d****t."

 

Growing tired of his face, I cast my eyes on the clock hanging above the teacher’s desk. It was time for class, and then it was adieu. It was mysterious how school could brighten your day, although only when it ended.

 

Dean followed my gaze, though his stopped at the group of girls at the corner. "What about Carly, you gonna try your luck?" He flashed me a grin.

 

"As I said, I don't like her."

 

"Come on dude, at least try to talk to her. All you do is sit at home, what are you even doing there?"

 

I took a moment to think. Perhaps I’d been goofing around too much, because I couldn’t give an immediate answer. I had my fair share of interests, like cooking or figurine collecting. But none of them had kept me hooked so far. Often, I just reverted to watching TV or playing computer games. Other than that…

 

"Programming?"

 

"That's bullcrap, there's no way you're doing something other than wathing cartoon por--"

 

The bell rang, signaling the start of our final lesson for the day, and consequently ending our pointless conversation. Dean looked like he wanted to say somehing, but in the end he simply waved me off and took his seat at the far back.

 

Everyone sat down and our last class began.

 

***

 

"And that'll be it for today. Ah, the homework's on page fourteen if anyone's wondering."

 

With that, the teacher said his goodbyes and made his way to the door.

 

Most of my classmates were already leaving the room. Not wanting to be the last one to make their exit, I decided to follow suit.

 

At least, I tried to.

 

"Hey Lewis, come with us to the mall today? We'll do some looking around." Dean waved at me.

 

"No." Trying not to look at him, I proceeded to clean my desk. "Hey, uh, Lewis." This time another guy chimed in. He had bushy eyebrows, brown eyes, and his tight jumper didn’t fail to outline his muscular body (no, I’m not gay). His name might have been Samuel. He glanced furtively at the two girls at his side, showing me who the other members of the group were. "Why don't you join us? The more the merrier, right?" Yea, right.

 

Looking at the two girls in question, I recognised Carly. She was a childhood acquaintance of mine--the one you wouldn’t want to bump into at a bus stop. A blond-haired girl that I didn’t remember the name of stood next to her. I tried to ignore the weird looks they were both giving me, probably wondering why the guys were bothering with me.

 

"I'm sorry, but I have my reasons," I said. It was obvious what Dean and Bushy Eyebrows Samuel wanted, and I didn't have it in me to become the third wheel, or the fifth in this case.

 

We were currently the only ones in the classroom and the awkward atmosphere was killing me, so I tried to take my leave.

 

Flinging the backpack on my shoulder, trying to look as nonchalant as possible, I made a few steps towards the exit. That’s when it happened.

 

Below Samuel, something on the floor caught my attention. There was a faint glow, white in color, just bright enough for me to notice.

 

What the hell?

 

Before I could fully comprehend what was going on, a circle of light swiftly expanded from the floor. Strange symbols shone above the air as a complex array of geometric figures formed under our feet. The others seemed to notice this phenomenon, though it was already too late.

 

Not letting any of us react or make a noise, the circle flashed... and we vanished.

Author's Note

A free review from me for your opinion!

Reviews

[Kathrin S]

So much better! I really like your new prologue a lot more than the last one. It was easier to understand, there were no confusing bits, and it flowed a lot more!

Here are a couple small details I saw:

- Consider cutting out the 'however' in paragraph 2.
- "He wasn't bad looking ..." Why the ; here? You could just put a full stop instead, and then cut out 'to the point where'. It's always best to say more in less words.
- "It was mysterious ..." Loved this sentence.
- I'd cut out "disregarding Dean and his accusations ..."
- "to notice it" - cut out 'it'
- shined -> shone
- "The others seemed" -> "The others also seemed"

I'm looking forward to reading Chapter 1!

[Nod]

Good, good. I was scared that the writing felt clunky. Thanks again for the constructive review, I'm definitely learning from this.

About chapter 1, it's out! You just missed it. You don't have to read it now though, because it's big. Anyway, I hope you'll like it.

[Kathrin S]

I know it's out, but I just haven't had the time yet. Hopefully tomorrow!!

[Jay S]

I really enjoyed the way you described your characters, it really gave me a view into who they are and what kind of people they are. But I would like to see more insight into the class, what is going on, and what this book is. I really loved it though!

[AUU]

1. I don't think you need "already had" in that second sentence.
2. I like the main character's musings about the last year of high school. I can tell he's going to have a dry sense of humor.
3.What a sentence to introduce Dean. It says more about his character than any description of his appearance could do. Though I do like the "manure" colored shirt.
4. "Doesn't this..." sounds odd. Maybe "Don't they contradict..."
5. I'm a bit confused to where Dean is sitting, or where they are exactly right now. [Reading ahead] If they are sitting in class, then I think it would benefit to say as much.
5. These kind of talks? What is "these?" I think this is an opportunity to insert some more character in the POV.
6. I don't understand the POV's comment "Doesn't your being here contradict them even more?"
7. So I'm interested in what fashion they are looking at Claire's b***s. Is it a photo, is she sitting somewhere nearby? The direction would help I think to also solidify the setting.
8. A bag of chips are not full of lies :( lol
9. "You're gonna die a virgin, you know that?" Some of the dialogue speaks volumes about the characters. Great work.
10. You're writing has a great humor about it.
11. "With that, the teacher..." Does the teacher have a name? It might not be important, but the details count for something.
12. "We'll do some looking around." I'm not sure what Dean is inferring to. Does he mean to hang out? Or go window shopping?
13. Lewis seems quite popular for being a curmudgeon. I can't help but wonder if there is a reason for this.
14. "Looking at the two girls in question, I recogni[z]ed Carly." I think there might be an easier way to say this. I'm finding that a good exercise, that I do, to improve my fiction writing is to re-write setences using the fewest words possible. Like your sentence. The important information in that sentence is that he sees Carly. So you could plainly write as much. "Carly stood next to Samuel."
15. I like the "the one you wouldn't want to bump into at the bus stop." It's an juvenile alternative of what an adult might say, "...bump into at the coffee shop." You're hinting at a past between the two as well. Nice touch.
16. The last line, "...and we vanished." Sounds a bit off. It might be a nitpick, but I'm trying to wrap my head around someone seeing themselves vanishing. What does it look like to vanish? Was everything white? It's just odd.

I liked it. Your main character is unique, I can tell that much. I am curious to see why Dean and Samuel wanted to hang out Lewis when he has all the traits of the a-typical social outcast. I'm expecting something out of that.

Good luck.

[Shannon]

Hello,

This is a great start. Gives us a really great idea of our narrator, surrounded by a cast of typical characters, and the world they inhabit (or did anyway).

I have two thoughts for improvement.. The 'not gay' could be handled a bit smoother. Maybe commenting the showing off muscles that would catch the eye of girls or I guess gay boys. Since he doesn't fall into either category.... That sort of thing sounds less defensive and less potentially negative about gay people.

And the very last line. Not letting anyone react. Why? No time? Are they somehow unable to move?

[grayscale]

I did very much enjoy reading this , thank you and i shall read more as i can. it was Comical at times.

[FearandLothing]

This is my thoughts on the prolog, i haven't read the whole thing yet. Never the less here's a list of what my first thought and concerns are:
1. The Premise- When ever Im reading a description of a story and it involves the words "teenager is transported to a fantasy world" I can't help but have series going off in my head. This premise isn't a bad one, but you'd have to do something unique or different with it. Ive read/watched so many of these types of stories, and most of them are terrible. Just tread carefully and try to avoid the tropes associated with these types of stores and I'm sure you'll be fine.
2. The main character- This is also causing a few alarm bells to ring. He's an unpopular teenage kid who spends all of his time inside, but now must take up action and go on an epic quest, or something along those lines. I wouldn't mind so much except that we don't know anything about this kid, aside from he likes to be alone and hates everyone. Flesh him out a little bit, give him some quirks, make me care about him.
3.(no, I’m not gay)-Aww, thats a shame.
4. The censorship-I just don't get it. Im assume that theres going to have violence and gore in it, so why can't someone say the word b***s?
5. "Why don't you join us? The more the merrier, right?" Yea, right.- This one is a little bit nit-picky, but the correct spelling is Yeah, not Yea.
6. breasts are a mysterious thing--one moment they seem to contain the hopes and dreams of all men, but when it's time to roll, you find out they're full of lies. Kind of like a bag of chips."-I actually like this line, it's both true and hilarious, nice work.
7. t was time for class, and then it was adieu-...This wording confuses me
8. Is this guy asexual? If he is thats totally cool, he just kinda comes off as asexual
9. "That's bullcrap, there's no way you're doing something other than wathing cartoon por--": This line comes off as kinda forced. I can see two people talking like this in the privacy of there rooms but not in public.
10. Thats all i can think of so far, I'm gonna read the rest of this. Keep it up.

[Nod]

Thanks for the helpful review!

I'm aware that most of the situations/dialogues/characters seem cliche, and hope to make them more believable and interesting later on. I'll tweak the things you mentioned, especially the forced line of dialogue.

Hope you enjoy the rest!

[Wølfy]

I read part of your story and then stopped. Not because it is bad, I believe you have a great story here. I am just way to lazy to read all of it.

[Nod]

Hello, could you please tell me where you stopped reading? I mean, what part made it boring for you. I'm still improving, and the prologue is gonna change a lot during my writing, so your feedback's gonna help a lot.

[Wølfy]

It was not boring, I am just lazy. I do not even re-read my own work. I will try to go back and read it through when I am not busy and tried.

[Nod]

Man, you scared me to death. Please do when you feel like it xD

[Wølfy]

Should have been tired. xD I will.

[Poopewpachoo]

Okay, so after reading this I have a few things I'd like to say:

-I think spacing out the prologue into several paragraphs might make it easier to follow. Of course, it might've just been me, but I found myself re-reading the same line by accident a few times since it's all jumbled into one big paragraph.
-The prologue as a whole is alright. It serves well as an introduction, as it should, but I didn't get hooked by it. I feel like it was supposed to happen with the last few sentences, but it honestly didn't. It's probably because I knew exactly what was going to happen, so I was pretty much just waiting for the WHEN. Perhaps add a little more mystery or foreshadowing right from the get-go? Maybe I missed them, though.
-The characters themselves were decent enough: just the typical school gang. I'm sure that after I read more, I'll come to like some of them; they at least have that potential. I'm a big character person, so that's what I tend to focus on when I want to get hooked into a story.

Overall, I think this is a decent start to a promising story. I love stories about getting transported to a fantasy world (currently watching RE:Zero), so I'll definitely be checking out your next chapters when you post them. Keep up the good work!

[Nod]

About the spacing, I just fixed it. It bugged out, and you happened to read it when I was fixing. So yeah... sorry!

I'll work on the hook. Don't know how I can foreshadow something without outright spoiling what'll happen, I might just add an interesting future scene in the beginning.

I was definetely inspired by Re:Zero and other transported to another world light novels, but I hope that won't show so much. I'm also very happy that you'll continue to read, chapter 1 is 90% done so the first draft might come out tomorrow.

[Poopewpachoo]

The beauty of the internet haha! No problem!

Hmm, this is just a suggestion, but maybe have the MC have a random, quick vision of that world while his friend is initially talking to him? That might give this prologue a dash of originality since he was sort of 'warned' in a way? Could be a character or fate itself giving him a heads-up. Honestly, it's just a suggestion so you don't have to take it.

Having an inspiration like RE:Zero is amazing. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen. The light novel is amazing, too. SAO is pretty good, too.
I'm looking forward to it, then!

[Whitefox]

I won't be long, as it seems that most of the issues I noticed have already been addressed in other comments. I will, however, add a few notes. I had difficulty getting a bearing on the surroundings. It seemed to me that the characters were all together in a blank white room. You did say they were in a university, but where? In a library? On the lawn? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? We have 5 senses but you have only utilized my hearing and part of my sight. Immerse me in your world and I will be hooked on it better. Great story by the way. I'm looking forward for the next chapter.

[Nod]

Thank you for reviewing, I think you're right! I didn't make an attempt to immerce the reader, and that's a big minus. I'll try to show, not tell and add more description to the surroundings. I hope you liked Lewis, because if everything else fails, I at least want my characters to be likable.

Chapter 1 is almost finished, I hope you like it!

[Kathrin S]

I found this a very promising start. You have a good idea that is worth pursuing, so keep working on it. I'm going to give some general comments first, then write down all the notes I took as I was reading.

General:
- The setting is good. It's something that your readers (I'm assuming it's Young Adults) will be able to relate to, and a good starting point for an extraordinary adventure. Because school is such a normal place, the fantasy element will be more surprising. You could maybe describe it just a little bit more, in one or two sentences, just to set the scene.
- Voice: Your narrator has a very strong voice, I like it. It has the potential to make your book stand out from all the others. There is some fine-tuning to do, but it's a very good start.
- Style/form: For my taste, there is a little too much description. The general rule, especially for teen readers, is show don't tell, so instead of telling us that Dean is an idiot or that Lewis is more introverted than his friend, show us! You can do this through their actions, their dialog, or the way they look. But if you just tell the reader these things, it will be less interesting than if you make them figure it out.
Also, sometimes your sentences are too long or unnecessarily complicated. I've pointed this out in my more detailed comments below.

Specific Notes:
- First paragraph: Good start, sets the scene.
- Second paragraph: "However, seemingly ..." This confused me - who says this? From the way you describe the characters later on, it becomes clear that it's Dean, but at this point I was a bit confused. I think that might be because you wrote "ignoring my narrative" - what narrative? Lewis hasn't said anything yet.
- "his hand's fingers" cut out 'hand's', it's too repetitive. Where else would the fingers be? You can add 'hand' after 'his other'.
- "crap-brown" - this didn't seem to fit for me, I'd put something like 'manure-colored'
- I'd split the next sentence in two, it seems a bit long.
- "Dean might have been ..." Do you really need to say this? You're already showing us this through the way he acts, so let us figure it out.
- "contradict it" -> "contradict them" if you're talking about the laws of physics
- "I didn't need to see ..." Again, not needed - we all know what he's leering at. Put something like: "I frowned at Dean's tasteless remark. But he had a point. I mean, it was high time ..."
- The dialog is good - fun and realistic.
- "Perhaps I've been ..." -> "Perhaps I'd been" wrong tense
- "couldn't make an immediate" -> "couldn't give an immediate"
- Re-write the rest of that paragraph. For example: "I had my fair share of interests, like cooking or figurine collecting. But none of them had kept me hooked so far. Often, I just reverted to watching TV or playing computer games.
- "consequently" - cut out, it's a little formal for a story.
- It's the last class of the day? Until now, I was under the impression that it was the morning of the first day of school. Maybe clarify this at the beginning.
- "Most of my ..." cut out the 'and so' and put a full stop instead.
- "Hey Lewis ..." Good, here we get to know his name. This is just the right spot.
- "What? I didn't say ..." Again, too much telling.
- "bump into at a bus stop" - I'd put a full stop there because you're talking about someone else afterwards.
- "They were both ..." Too complicated. Put something like: "I tried to ignore the weird looks they were both giving me. They were probably just wondering why the guys ..."
- Does Lewis know Bushy Eyebrows' name? It seems like he should, if they're in the same class. You could give him a nickname, like Bushy Eyebrows Bert or something.
- "Now if you'll excuse me ..." That's more like what a teacher would say, too formal.
- "That(')s when it happened."
- "reacting both ..." cut this part out, then maybe change "anyone" -> "any of us" - that should make it cear that all of them are vanishing.

Remember that most of these (apart from the spelling/grammar) are just my own opinion, so feel free to take whatever seems useful and leave the rest. I really enjoyed reading your prologue and hope you'll post the first chapter soon!