Shawnee

oooh dang.

shawnee

 

I wait

For a call

For a message

For an answer

Because these doubts and hopes

Swarm my mind like bees

And I am standing still

Waiting to be stung

 

Save me

 

Turn your piercer into a pair of lips

And sting

Hard

As though the fate of our lives is resting within them

And the grasp of your hand

Is the only thing

That is keeping me

From falling

 

Save me

 

Like a leaf clings to a tree

Cling to me

Softly

For my heart now beats in your hands

And I am attempting to love you

Until it bleeds

Though broken it may become

 

Reviews

[Luna Tique Fringe]

I have noticed (on the home page) that you would like a little critque, me too..I know how seldom that can happen, lol.
So here is my attempt. : )

Of course this is filled with emotion and I admire the fact you didn't overdo..I think subtle was the way to go here. However, I think it could be enhanced by tightening up (cuting extra words) ..within the stanzas and also the "save me" 's .. I think the one between S-1 and S-2 could be cut. anymore than that almost comes across as too pitiful. In S-3, I would think about flipping the first two lines..I'm thinking "cling to me" as a stronger more dynamic beginning to the stanza.

example (only suggestions, to use or throw out as you wish)



I wait with doubts and hopes
that swarm like bees, and
I am standing still
waiting to be stung

Turn your piercer into a pair of lips,
sting hard,
as though our fate rests within, and
the grasp of your hand is all
that prevents my fall

Save me

Cling to me, like a leaf to a tree - softly
and I will attempt to love you

My heart beats in your hands,
though broken it may become


I hope I haven't offended, or overstepped..I'm used to workshopping and this is how we do it..no holds barred.

I think you have written a beautiful piece from the heart. oh.. and I love your image of the swarming bees :)

[Jules]

it expresses the feeling that one has when one knows one is about to be destroyed by another one! :) the vain feeling u get when u know an ending: not in the boring sense where its just an unimportant fact but where there is a dramatic end to everything and u know exactly how!! just waiting! nice

[emmajoy]

a deep and passionately powerful piece of writing..

' Turn your piercer into a pair of lips / And sting / Hard / As though the fate of our lives is resting within them / And the grasp of your hand / Is the only thing / That is keeping me / From falling

the uneven meter really does it for me.. it's building power as it moves along..

[Travis Lawrence]

Damn, nice poem Jamaal. You added a lot of them, I'll have to sift through it all one day.

"Turn your piercer into a pair of lips" -- seriously, this line is f*****g sick.

Peace!

[Emily B]

I like this. The rhythm and word choices help us to feel your emotions. Very well written.