What I needed to survive

A Poem by Gwennxo

My pain is hidden but, I do the things I do because it doesn't hurt as much as feeling alone.

I carried myself with one hand, but I was beaten half to death. The air escaping my lungs found no way back in and I grew sore. I was so sore that my one hand became weak within seconds of the holding. As I collapsed, the remaining oxygen began fleeing from my cracked lungs. Then the dirt cried for my body, like it belonged and when I begged for them to lay me there, they refused. But not me I didn’t refuse to be a campaign to the earth, it was what mother nature wanted. Who was I to refuse the right mother nature has casted upon my breathless body?

I am so close to death that I hear the whispering names of others. I wanted to accept this. They did not accept it. But they didn’t know that my body was too heavy for me to carry, all I really wanted was to lay down. To starve till my body was ready for me to use it again. I wanted so badly to lie there till my body became hungry, so hungry that I didn’t care anymore. And it was but, that didn’t end my pain. Nothing could help the pain I had felt for him. The pain I felt in my aching body in as he removed his from mine.

There was no other way to hurt, no other way to feel. No other way but the way I felt when he caressed my lifeless body. It was the only way to ease the pain. Even after what he said I was a fool for him. This was not love, this was not an act of love and I am so ashamed to say I fell in love with him for all the wrong reasons. It’s safe to say he is responsible for the nights I felt my body numb the pain. He is responsible for the things I have done to not feel and I can no longer suffer for him.

My body is wearing out and the boys who touch me, know it’s not the first time i’ve been touched. It’s not the first time i’ve needed them to make me feel satisfied in this breathless dark body. I am not refusing their touch if it makes me feel the way you made me feel. I am not refusing to let them touch me and talk to my the way you did when you first caressed me. So let me lay in the ground with the tears of my family falling over me. Not because, I have never felt your love but because, I have never felt more full than when you do what you do just to leave.