Think: A romantic comedy by William A. Woo

ACT I SCENE i

NIGHT

STUART sits nervously.

Lights come up.

STUART (calling offstage)

Oh! Good, you’re finally here!

FINNISTER ENTERS

STUART

What sort of depraved puzzle is man, Finnister? How in the world do we devise these wretched sort of games? Is it for our own amusement? Or is it for the amusement of some cosmic ringmaster?

 

FINNISTER

Not another one of these, Stuart. It’s entirely too late.

STUART

Another one of “these?” Finnister whatever do you mean?

FINNISTER

I do not think I can stand another one of your pathetically dramatic existential lamentations. I lack the energy for one at this hour.

STUART

I resent that! I do not “lament” as you put it. I merely…observe. Motive, passion, emotion, these are the very things that drive us!

FINNISTER

Drive you, dear friend, perhaps. They only succeed in driving me insane.

STUART

You claim to lack the strength for contemplative thought, yet your wit remains sharp at any hour.

FINNISTER

The difference of course, is interest. Your existential whining bores me; however, I never tire of dueling you.

STUART

Would that I had your gifts dearest Finnister! The good that a positive outlet for such thought, could yield.

FINNISTER

As much as I enjoy your flattery, I positively loathe this despair that’s clinging to you, Stuart. Why was I called from my bed?

STUART

Ah, yes. I’m glad you asked. Dear Finnister. I fear the greatest folly to any level-headed intellectual has indeed struck true for yours truly.

FINNISTER

And what, pray tell, is her name?

STUART

Must you always stab at the center of everything? What of that most classic of arts, the skillful tip-toe around a topic?

FINNISTER

Tip-toes are for thieves and dancers, the name Stuart.

STUART

Again, your wit astounds and I shed a tear for lost potential. Her name, you impatient boor, is Marianna.

FINNISTER

Marianna? Sounds promising. And for the sake of civil conversation, I advise you to refrain from name calling.

STUART

Of course, I apologize. As for Marianna, her beauty is merely the tip of the iceberg dear friend.

FINNISTER

Of course. And when can I relish in the privilege of meeting this vision of modern Aphrodite?

STUART

Soon enough, patience is of course a virtue.

FINNISTER

In other words, you have yet to even meet her formally yourself? Eh, Stuart?

STUART

Of course I’ve met her Finnister! Really that you should even suggest such a thing! I do, much to your disbelief, wield some dignity, however miniscule!

FINNISTER

Apologies in abundance Stuart! I suppose it was hasty to assume you would allow yourself to be smitten before even taking the dear woman out for an outing.

STUART

Not as such…

FINNISTER

No? Stuart, as much as it pains me to declare such news, I am at a loss.

STUART

Marianna is my new research assistant.

FINNISTER

Oh, oh dear. Remarkably, I almost wish the former dilemma on you, and then at least you would start from scratch, and not begin with as castrating a position as employer and underling.

STUART

Your analytical approach, while insightful, does not aid my already failing confidence, my dear friend and colleague.

FINNISTER

Of course, I forget my uncanny ability to declare the naked truth in an unflattering light.

STUART

A sad but chronic affliction, all is forgiven.

FINNISTER

Indeed. In any case, a new research assistant? What happened to Cromwell? Why just the other day you were singing the man’s praises!

STUART

Ah yes, poor Cromwell. I fear my project became more than the poor man could bear, he snapped sometime this, this past month I believe. The past has become a blur ever since…

FINNISTER

Since Marianna’s arrival? Stuart I fear you are becoming positively transparent.

STUART

I certainly hope not! If Marianna was to become aware of my intentions before I revealed them, I positively shudder to think of it!

FINNISTER

I understand all of that Stuart, really. However, retrogressing to the start of the evening, why was I called from my bed?

STUART

Finnister, you are the closest thing I have to a friend.

FINNISTER

Well that’s categorically not true, I mean what about Marcus?

STUART

Oh come now Finnister. There are those you call friends and those you throw Falstaff parties for.

FINNISTER

Falstaff parties? Wow, I see your point.

STUART

Indeed. Seeing as how you are my only friend…I was hoping for your guidance, as I am undoubtedly ill-equipped to handle the issues of the fairer sex.

FINNISTER

I see, well what did you have in mind, my love struck peer?

STUART

I was hoping you could aid me in wooing said maiden.

FINNISTER

I fear your choice for “cupid” in your grand design could not have been more misguided. I too have had my fair share of misadventures with the ladies. I confess loudly and humbly that I am, no Casanova.

STUART

Even so, dearest Finnister, two heads are, of course, better than one. No matter how incapable either head is at the aforementioned task.

 

 

FINNISTER

Two heads are also apt to butt, and butts or asses we are sure to seem when this fiasco plays itself out, however your logic is not completely flawed. What am I to gain from all this?

STUART

Is my continued friendship not payment enough?

FINNISTER

Do not flatter yourself, Stuart. I am of course a man of means, gains, and goals. What have you to offer?

STUART

Well, as I have mentioned, my most recent dive into my research was too much for poor Cromwell.

FINNISTER

Of course, poor, poor Cromwell. Your purpose in all of this, if you please?

STUART

My purpose, if you would stop interrupting, is to express the gravity of my most recent project. I’m sure my secrecy has tugged at your curiosity, Finnister.

FINNISTER

Indeed it has.

STUART

Well, perhaps in exchange for your assistance, I could let you in on said project.

FINNISTER

I see…

STUART

A project that, if successful, could skyrocket us both to fame and fortune! But, the misfortune is, I’ve hit a rather embarrassing snag.

FINNISTER

I see, so my reward for helping you is the chance to help you?

STUART

Quite, however your help could quite possibly and very probably propel your status in the intellectual community to new heights!

FINNISTER

That so? Very well, I require no less than complete and total recognition in your efforts. As far as the press would know I was working with you since the very beginning.

STUART

I’m not going to lie to appease you, Finnister. Don’t be childish!

FINNISTER

Very well, I wish you the best of luck stuttering and bumbling your way into Marianna’s heart!

STUART

Fine, fine, with me from the beginning, whatever it takes!

FINNISTER

I must say, you certainly are desperate.

STUART

Most assuredly so, Finnister. Will you help me?

FINNISTER

Very well Stuart! I will now return to my comfortable, proposition-free bed, where you can no longer nag me with romantic requests. I shall see you in the morning, and this Eros driven journey of yours can begin in earnest.

STUART

Oh thank you. You are, of course, my greatest friend.

FINNISTER

Only friend.

STUART

Greatest all the same.

FINNISTER

Yes, yes. Once again your flattery grows tiresome. Goodnight my pathetically entranced friend.

STUART

Goodnight, Finnister. Oh! And of course…

 

FINNISTER

Thanks again?

STUART

You know me too well.

FINNISTER

You can thank me after this whole mess is done.

FINNISTER EXITS STUART SLUMPS INTO HIS CHAIR, RELIEVED

BLACK OUT

ACT I Scene ii

THE NEXT MORNING, STUART’S STUDY

MARIANNA, YOUTHFUL, GORGEOUS, IS BUSYING HERSELF AT A WHITEBOARD, ERASING THE SCRIBBLINGS AND HUMMING A TUNE TO HERSELF

FINNSTER ENTERS

FINNISTER

I trust you’re Marianna?

MARIANNA

Why yes, yes I am. Forgive me; you gave me a bit of a start.

FINNISTER

No trouble at all, where is the man himself?

MARIANNA

Dr. Parsonus? He’s stepped out for a quick breakfast. Might I ask who you are?

FINNISTER

Sure you might.

MARIANNA

Ok…

FINNISTER

Well?

 

MARIANNA

Well what?

FINNISTER

Are you or aren’t you?

MARIANNA

I…I’m afraid I’m confused.

FINNISTER

That’s hardly uncommon in this day and age.

MARIANNA

What?

FINNISTER

Ah, I’m sorry, I’m simply having fun. My name is Finnister Williams; I’m a friend of Stu-Dr. Parsonus.

MARIANNA

I am utterly lost I’m afraid, still, Dr. Parsonus has stressed that no one but he and myself are allowed in here. You’ll have to leave Mr.…Williams was it?

FINNISTER

Dr. Williams, actually, I did not earn my PhD to have people make that mistake, but please call me Finnister. And as for my leaving, let’s just wait for the good doctor shall we?

MARIANNA

Sir…

FINNISTER

Finnister, if you please.

MARIANNA

Finnister, I really feel you should leave.

FINNISTER

A man of my position and intellect puts very little stock in the authority of feelings, good woman. I shall wait here until my man arrives.

 

MARIANNA

Your man?

FINNISTER

Dr. Parsonus…

MARIANNA

I see…well sir.

FINNISTER

What is this authority fetish of yours? Sir is for the military and bondage parlors. I have asked you to call me Finnister no less than three times.

MARIANNA

God! Finnister then! Just get out or I’ll be forced to-

STUART (offstage)

Marianna, that bagel place you recommended was positively ghastly. I had to run to another bagel shop entirely in order to expunge the taste from my victimized mouth.

STUART ENTERS

However, despite said snag I am now sufficiently sated and ready to…why, what’s wrong?

MARIANNA

This, horrible man refuses to leave; I was just about to call security.

STUART

Oh, good Finnister, I’m glad you’re already here.

MARIANNA

Dr. Parsonus? You actually know this…person?

STUART

I certainly do. Finnister here will now be helping you and me in the lab from hence forth. I’m glad you two have met already, I loathe introductions.

FINNISTER

A habit that, for once, has been more detrimental than you realize, Stuart.

 

STUART

Oh? How do you mean?

FINNISTER

It seems the poor dear is unused to a sort of wit as quick and caustic as my own. We are now comfortably on the proverbial “wrong foot.”

STUART

Well that had better change post-haste. I refuse to let this project suffer because of one of your infamously instigated spats!

FINNISTER

Fair enough I suppose. Marianna, I sincerely apologize for whatever offense or duress I may have inflicted upon you since my entrance. I am, of course, humbly at your mercy. Satisfied Stuart?

STUART

It’ll do I suppose. Marianna? Marianna!

MARIANNA

I will not pardon this eloquent, misanthropic excuse for a gentleman.

STUART

Finnister will be working with us regardless. Now you can remain petty and let our progress suffer, or you can compromise for the sake of our work. What’s it going to be?

MARIANNA

Oh fine, Dr. Williams…

FINNISTER

Finnister, dear. Again.

MARIANNA

Finnister. Perhaps we were both more than a little hasty…what do you say we start over, for the sake of Dr. Parsonus’ work?

FINNISTER

I would enjoy nothing more.

STUART

Splendid! Now Finnister, I’m certain your curiosity is beyond control at this point.

FINNISTER

Positively aquiver Stuart. Get on with it.

STUART

Well, as you know, most of my efforts recently have been geared towards discovering the culprit behind the majority of the works attributed to William Shakespeare.

FINNISTER

You mean William Shakespeare?

STUART

Let’s not be foolish, Finnister. There is no historical context that supports that one man one as poorly educated as history shows your Shakespeare to be, could be responsible for those plays.

FINNISTER

Typical skepticism from a Dunne scholar. In any case I vaguely recall some over-lunch conversation of the topic, what of it?

STUART

Well, we were on the penultimate step, the very cusp of epiphany, when the texts’ complexity became too much for poor Cromwell, and he had his breakdown.

FINNISTER

Ah yes, poor, poor Cromwell. His efforts will be remembered.

STUART

If by no one else, I’m sure the fire department will not be quick to forget his escapade.

FINNISTER

Fire department? One day my friend, I shall have to hear the story behind Cromwell.

STUART

Quite.

FINNISTER

So after Cromwell’s unfortunate outcome, progress was slowed?

STUART

Almost to a halt it seemed. Until, finally, she arrived.

FINNISTER

And by “she” you mean…

MARIANNA

Me.

FINNISTER

Of course.

STUART

Marianna was a Godsend. I would be utterly lost without her.

FINNISTER

From what I understand, the truth in that statement is undeniable.

STUART

Quite…In any case, thanks to our combined efforts, the project was once again back on track!

FINNISTER

Was?

MARIANNA

Well, until last week, yes.

FINNISTER

What happened last week?

MARIANNA

Well, we were extremely close to linking William Stanley to the early comedies and…

STUART

Please, it’s far too painful to rehash!

MARIANNA

Very well, in short, I forgot to account for a specific play, upon which our entire theory relied…all of our research and speculation crumbled. William Stanley became a dead end.

STUART

Our entire theory wiped out! Countless hours of research, all for naught!

MARIANNA

It was positively disastrous!

FINNISTER

I see.

STUART

I should hope so, and that dear Finnister is where your experience and expertise come in and-

MARIANNA

Not to interrupt you Dr., but I feel inclined to ask Dr. Will- err…Finnister, what exactly his experience and expertise, as you called them, are?

STUART

Fair enough, Finnister here is one of the top professors in his field.

MARIANNA

I see, and this field is?

FINNISTER

Shakespearean English.

MARIANNA

And how does that benefit our campaign to disprove William Shakespeare’s existence at all? What knowledge can a Elizabethan-era English myth’s fan boy offer in pursuit of the real truth behind one of literature’s oldest urban legends?

FINNISTER

I will disregard both your insulting tone and bad-mouthing of the bard and thus not be forced to cripple your nubile mind, and provide you with a simple answer.

MARIANNA

I’m standing with rapt attention.

 

FINNISTER

Again, I shall ignore the tone for civility’s sake. Shakespeare’s works, if indeed they are his own as I believe they are, demand that these paltry conspiracies be put to rest. Stuart’s work, however distasteful his motives may be, is the soundest way to prove, or in his case disprove the rightful author. I shall pour the entirety of both my knowledge and resources into the discovery of the true Shakespeare, despite the outcome.

MARIANNA

Fair enough. Stuart? What is today’s objective?

STUART

Ah, I’m very glad you asked, today, right now specifically, you Marianna are to have the greatest responsibility of our time together thrust upon you once more.

MARIANNA

Milk, three and a half sugars? Not from a franchise?

STUART

That’s my girl.

MARIANNA

Dr. Will-err…Finnister, can I get you something?

FINNISTER

Yes please, black.

MARIANNA

I trust I will be repaid for all these coffee runs at some point?

STUART

Why yes of course! Just as soon as our efforts come to fruition!

MARIANNA

Whenever that will be

STUART

What was that?

MARIANNA

Nothing…

STUART

Your lack of faith depresses me! Surely you believe we will eventually get to the bottom of all this?

MARIANNA

But of course!

STUART

Then go! Go and sate the demons in our brains begging for the jolt of caffeine!

MARIANNA EXITS

ACT I SCENE iii

FINNISTER

And that girl saved your precious project?

STUART

Oh come now Finnister, thickness simply does not become you.

FINNISTER

I beg your pardon?

STUART

I had to get a new research assistant after Cromwell…

FINNISTER

Ah yes. Poor, poor Cromwell.

STUART

Indeed. And when I happened upon Marianna’s application, it was like a bullet to the brain.

FINNISTER

Oh, I believe I understand now. So all your progress?

STUART

I practically carried her. I brought her to William Stanley on purpose, everyone with half a brain knows the Sixth Earl of Derby could never have written Shakespeare’s works! I merely saw how fragile our relationship had become and my mind immediately realized that as soon as the project ended, so did my chances of ever wooing said maiden. I panicked and have been directing our progress into dead ends to keep her around until I had a plan.

FINNISTER

So, correct me if I’m wrong dear Stuart, but if what you’re saying is true, you’ve placed literature, art, learning, knowledge, the very reasons you are here, your ambitions, hopes, and dreams below a “cute” Research Assistant in your current priorities?

STUART

To my defense, Finnister, you must admit…

FINNISTER

Admit what?

STUART

She is awfully cute.

FINNISTER

My friend you are positively hopeless, and your deception certainly doesn’t improve the matter.

STUART

Yes, yes, I realize that and I apologize. I’ve been growing steadily rasher of late.

FINNISTER

Well that much is most assuredly apparent.

STUART

Yes, yes, you’re very clever; have you any advice to go along with your heady cocktail of biting wit?

FINNISTER

Well for starters, you might want to discontinue this “Dr. Parsonus” business. You’re trying to present yourself more as a friend than some sort of employer.

STUART

Ah, never thought of that. You’re helping already.

FINNISTER

Quite.

STUART

Any other points of interest your keen observational skills managed to pick up?

FINNISTER

Nothing productive I’m afraid. Do you have any inspiration as far as any kind of strategy with which to woo your enchantress?

STUART

Not as such, I’m positively petrified of being beyond the lab with her.

FINNISTER

I recommend getting over that issue before we proceed.

STUART

Naturally, but how?

FINNISTER

Immersion therapy?

STUART

Oh?

FINNISTER

Yes, when Marianna returns from the coffee shop which should be in about five minutes or so. I will feign some reason to leave, and you are to invite the maiden for a walk around campus.

STUART

A walk?! Are you off your rocker?

 

 

FINNISTER

It’s just a step. Stuart if you don’t at least attempt to take a risk with this endeavor, it’s essentially destined to fail.

STUART

Fine, fine.

FINNISTER

Perfect, now as far as the details go…

STUART

Yes?

FINNISTER

Right, compliment her only on three things, earrings, shoes, and perfume. Make absolutely no attempt at physical expression, lead conversation away from the project, and try to discover her interests.

STUART

What was the bit of information in the middle there?

FINNISTER

Perfume? It’s a scented oil atomized and sprayed on the skin to add scent and-

STUART

No no, the bit about “physical expression?”

FINNISTER

Ah yes, “moves” as the kids call them. Any kind of physical manifestation of your affection: such as kisses, too-long embraces, anything like that.

STUART

Too long embraces?

FINNISTER

Yes, any sort of “hug” that exceeds the appropriate length of time.

 

STUART

What happens when you pass the accepted “end-of-hug” point?

FINNISTER

Then the otherwise friendly gesture turns awkward and pretty much all your hopes of winning the maiden’s heart will completely crumble.

STUART

Well...how long is too long?

FINNISTER

It’s not so much a strict time limit; it’s more of a feeling sort of thing. You’ll know when you should let go.

STUART

But what if I don’t?

FINNISTER

Trust me, you can definitely tell. Here.

FINNISTER EXTENDS HIS ARMS

STUART

What are you doing?

FINNISTER

Come on, embrace me Stuart, clearly you need a first-hand encounter with this sort of dilemma.

STUART

It’s a little awkward already isn’t it?

FINNISTER

Nonsense! What would literature be without the nectar of sweet experience? James Joyce without his Ireland, Kerouac without his alcohol and buddies! Now get over here!

STUART

Alright, alright. If you insist

STUART WALKS INTO FINNISTER’S OPEN ARMS, THE TWO HUG. THE HUG GROWS UNCOMFORTABLE AS TIME PASSES

FINNISTER

See what I mean?

STUART

I certainly do, inescapably so.

MARIANNA ENTERS WITH THE COFFEE

MARIANNA

Am I interrupting something?

THE EMBRACE ENDS IMMEDIATELY, THE TWO ATTEMPT TO BRUSH IT OFF

STUART

Why of course not. What brings you back?

MARIANNA

Your coffee Dr. Parsonus. Remember?

STUART

Yes, yes, I completely forgot thank you, and please I would very much like it if you called me Stuart from now on.

MARIANNA

Umm…ok…Stuart. Here’s your coffee. And yours…Finnister.

FINNISTER

Thank you, I’m glad to see you finally learned the apropos nomenclature, however the cream and sugar in my explicitly requested “black” coffee is upsetting. I’ll have to go out and get a new cup. I’ll be a while; I trust everything will remain intact while I’m gone?

FINNISTER EXITS

MARIANNA

At last! I thought he would never leave.

 

STUART

What?

MARIANNA

Now we can finally get some work done!

STUART

Oh, come on, is work really that large a part of our time together?

MARIANNA

Stuart? What’s come over you? You’re like a totally different person altogether. Ever since that “Finnister” character showed up…

STUART

Finnister is my closest friend, and we could use his help.

MARIANNA

And his hugs?

STUART

That…was an experiment.

MARIANNA

Of what sort?

STUART

Never you mind.

MARIANNA

Fair enough. Shall we get to work then?

STUART

Certainly. I’m going to step out for a walk, care to join me?

MARIANNA

I thought we just said-

STUART

You and I both know we’re back to square one on this project. We might as well enjoy the fresh air and brainstorm as the sun smiles down.

MARIANNA

Ok you are far too chipper today, they must have put something in your coffee.

STUART

Come come, the day is entirely too pretty to be wasting away in front of a desk where only fluorescent light dare tread!

STUART EXITS

MARIANNA

Yup, it simply has to be something in the coffee.

MARIANNA EXITS

LIGHTS GO TO BLACK

END OF ACT I

 

ACT II SCENE i

LIGHTS COME UP ON MARIANNA ALONE IN THE STUDY

MARIANNA TO OFFSTAGE

Stuart really! Don’t worry about it! It’s really not that big a deal.

STUART ENTERS

Are you kidding? That was positively a disaster! We’re never leaving the lab ever again.

MARIANNA

Oh now you’re just being dramatic.

STUART

Marianna, it almost killed me!

MARIANNA

Well how was I supposed to know you’re allergic to hydrangeas?!

STUART

I’m a literature professor, I study John Dunne! There isn’t a thing we intellectuals aren’t allergic to!

MARIANNA

Ok one, that’s a boldfaced lie and you know it! Two, you’re being incredibly overdramatic. And three, you’re acting completely and totally immature right now!

STUART

I’m immature? I’m immature? Why, you’re…oh God, you’re absolutely right Marianna, I apologize.

MARIANNA

It’s ok, Stuart. I’m sorry for pushing you into those hydrangeas. I can’t believe I was so insensitive.

STUART

It’s not a problem, and it certainly isn’t your fault; it was me in my eagerness that encouraged our journey to the outside.

MARIANNA

Yes, but I understand your motives, and I will admit, it was nice to have a-

STUART

Calamity?

MARIANNA

A distraction.

STUART

Well, it certainly was that.

MARIANNA

Stuart, thank you, I needed a little chaos.

STUART

Happy to provide it then.

MARIANNA

Well, you’ve certainly taught me to expect the unexpected.

MARIANNA EXTENDS HER ARMS

STUART

What’s all this?

MARIANNA

Umm, I believe it’s called a hug these days?

STUART

Oh, oh yes of course, the old “embrace” eh?

STUART EXTENDS HIS ARMS

BOTH STAND, ARMS EXTENDED, A CONSIDERABLE DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM

MARIANNA

Stuart?

STUART

Yes?

MARIANNA

Are you going to move? Or am I?

STUART

Oh! Sorry.

STUART AWKWARDLY SHUFFLES INTO MARIANNA, WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUNDS HER. A LONG TIME PASSES.

MARIANNA

Stuart?

STUART

Yes?

MARIANNA

You can let go now.

STUART

Oh, yes, sorry.

MARIANNA

It’s no trouble.

STUART

Oh! Before I forget. I like your…oh what was it…oh yes. Your earrings, shoes, and perfume!

MARIANNA

Umm, thank you? Earrings were a birthday present from my parents, the shoes I got at a sale at Target, and I don’t believe I’m wearing any perfume.

STUART

No? Well if you were wearing some, I’m sure it would warrant a compliment.

 

MARIANNA

Well that’s very kind of you to say.

STUART

Of course, Marianna I must apologize. I must positively dreadful at this sort of thing.

MARIANNA

Oh? And what sort of thing is that?

STUART

I…Uh…I…Uh…

FINNISTER ENTERS

FINNISTER

Stuart, my friend, if I were any larger an asset to you I most likely dangle ‘twixt legs of right and left. Oh, never mind. Was I interrupting something?

MARIANNA

Well…actually-

STUART

Not at all!

FINNISTER

Oh wondrous. I returned after remedying Marianna’s shameful coffee folly…

MARIANNA

If you had just said “black” a little louder then perhaps I would have-

FINNISTER

Do not interrupt!

MARIANNA

A statement made in interruption of my own.

 

FINNISTER

Yes, well…I…was here first. So there. Anyways-

MARIANNA

Anyway, you mean. Anyways isn’t a word, Shakespeare.

FINNISTER

It is a modern colloquialism that I used to express my casual declarative tone. Anything else to quibble over that I can use as an opportunity to prove my linguistic prowess?

LONG PAUSE

I thought not. As I was saying, I returned to the lab to find it empty! Where did you to abscond to?

STUART

We decided to enjoy the delightfully scenic together and take a brisk walk.

FINNISTER

Ah, always a wise decision, I trust everyone enjoyed themselves?

MARIANNA

Well, apart from an almost deadly encounter with hydrangeas, yes. It was quite lovely.

FINNISTER

Wonderful! Stuart? I trust the feeling is mutual?

STUART

Indeed. It was quite rewarding.

MARIANNA

Perhaps you two should try it sometime.

FINNISTER

I beg your pardon?

MARIANNA

Oh, I thought…that you two were…

STUART

Were what?

MARIANNA

You know…together.

FINNISTER AND STUART LAUGH

What?

FINNISTER

Oh come now dear, surely you don’t believe either myself or Stuart has fallen to the “alternate” persuasion?

STUART

Surely!

MARIANNA

I…oh my this is embarrassing. I’m very sorry. I mean you two seem so close…and that hug. I guess it just sort of clicked.

STUART

Clicked?!

MARIANNA

Well…yeah.

FINNISTER

Marianna my dear, I fear you gravely misjudged Stuart and mine’s relationship.

STUART

What relationship?! We’re not in a “relationship!”

MARIANNA

I…my God. I can’t believe I was this asinine.

 

 

FINNISTER

It’s not that bad, dear. I mean I understand I carry myself a certain way, and my close friendship to Stuart could easily be mistaken for another one of my on campus “escapades.”

STUART

I am NOT an escapade.

FINNISTER

We know, Stuart. Don’t we Marianna?

MARIANNA

Of course, I apologize for even thinking that you were…that way.

FINNISTER

Now watch your tone there, dear. Why even if he were “that way” as you so crassly put it, I’m sure he would be just as respected and appreciated as he is now.

MARIANNA

Of course…I only meant…

STUART

I’m NOT gay!

FINNISTER

See now you’ve upset him.

MARIANNA

I just made an assumption, granted a big one.

STUART

Gargantuan! And I forgive you, and I hope that by the time I finish counting down from five we all have dropped this most embarrassing of topics.

LONG PAUSE

FINNISTER

Are you through?

STUART

Yes.

FINNISTER

Fantastic.

MARIANNA

Sorry again for…

STUART

I have finished counting, Marianna!

MARIANNA

Right…sorry.

STUART

No trouble…back to work everyone?

FINNISTER

Of course. What’s first on the agenda?

STUART

Well, we need to prepare some sort of presentation of our findings.

MARIANNA

For what?

STUART

The Conference is next week.

MARIANNA

The Conference?

FINNISTER

It’s where all the esteemed professors of literature meet and discuss their research.

 

MARIANNA

Ah. I see.

STUART

Unfortunately for us…

MARIANNA

All our research has been for naught.

STUART

Quite.

FINNISTER

I’m sure with all three of our minds pointing in one direction, something will come.

STUART

Your confidence is comforting…albeit foolish.

FINNISTER

Typical skepticism from you, Stuart. Marianna, can you please gather all the text we have on Francis Bacon?

STUART

Ugh, Finnister, don’t you think the Bacon thing is well…

FINNISTER

Overdone?

STUART

To death I fear.

FINNISTER

I suppose, but have you applied the Baconian Theory to any of Shakespeare’s plays, specifically the ones concerning or revolving around love? Midsummer Night’s Dream, Romeo and Juliet, and perhaps most obviously Much Ado about Nothing?

 

STUART

Hmm…you might be on to something my friend. Marianna, do you have the texts?

MARIANNA

Always!

STUART

Well my dear, run and go get them! Thanks to our friend Finnister here, we have work again to do!

MARIANNA

Right away Dr. Parson-I mean…Stuart.

MARIANNA EXITS

FINNISTER

Surely you knew about the parallels…

STUART

In all honesty? No, I had no clue. Why on Earth would you broadcast knowledge that could potentially disprove your idol?

FINNISTER

For love of the game I suppose.

STUART

The game?

FINNISTER

Oh yes, intense research, building drama…it’s like the first scene of the second act of a great play is about to end…on a remarkably high note if you ask me.

STUART

Finnister, though you have been invaluable to our project and saved months of research…I feel it is my duty to inform you that what you just said…was absolutely mad.

FINNISTER

Yes I suppose you’re right.

LIGHTS GO TO BLACK

END OF ACT II SCENE i

ACT II SCENE ii

LIGHTS COME UP ON FINNISTER, STUART, AND MARIANNA STANDING AROUND THE STUDY, ALL WITH BOOKS IN THEIR HANDS…SCRIBBLING FURIOUSLY IN THEM…MARIANNA BREAKS THE TENSE SILENCE

MARIANNA

Ah ha!

STUART

Find something?

MARIANNA

Perhaps…come and look.

STUART WALKS OVER AND LOOKS

STUART

Afraid not my dear, but persevere, we are on the cusp of discovery! Finnister? Any luck?

FINNISTER

None, a condition perhaps compounded by your asking that question every five minutes!

MARIANNA

Ok, ok, no need to get nasty, Finnister.

FINNISTER

Nasty? Oh no my dear, if I were being “nasty,” Stuart would be in tears by now.

MARIANNA

Ugh! That’s it! I can’t stand it anymore!

FINNISTER

Stand what?

 

MARIANNA

This air of superiority you have. For God’s sake you’re not that witty!

FINNISTER

That so?

MARIANNA

Yes, yes it is so.

FINNISTER

Well, perhaps it takes an educated mind to notice another!

MARIANNA

I beg your pardon?

FINNISTER

Oh come now…if Stuart had to lead you along on this project any more, you would have all the benefit of a canine, not to mention the title often given to female dogs that I feel tempted to employ!

MARIANNA

Are you calling me a b***h in so many words?

FINNISTER

Heaven be praised, it understands connotation!

STUART

For God’s sake both of you, shut up!

BOTH FALL SILENT

FINNISTER

She started it…

STUART

Finnister! Come on, man! Let us be civil.

 

MARIANNA

Stuart’s right, we can’t be at each other’s throats…the Conference looms.

FINNISTER

Quite right…I apologize.

STUART

Very mature, of both of you. Now, Marianna, would you mind terribly fetching some coffee for us? I’m sure we could all use some. Please?

MARIANNA

Very well. Black, right Finnister?

FINNISTER

Too right, thank you dear.

MARIANNA

The usual, Stuart?

STUART

Yes yes, abundant thanks.

MARIANNA

I’ll return as soon as possible.

MARIANNA EXITS

STUART

Finnister?

FINNISTER

I figured as much, do you finally have a plan of action in your romantic efforts?

STUART

I…I believe I do.

 

FINNISTER

Oh? Do tell.

STUART

Well, the way I see it, the Conference marks the end of my time with Marianna, professionally speaking of course.

FINNISTER

Fair enough…go on.

STUART

After we give our presentation at the Conference, I’m going to pull Marianna aside, tell her how I feel, and leave myself and my dignity at her mercy.

FINNISTER

Sounds romantic enough. Any idea what you’re going to say?

STUART

As a matter of fact…

STUART PULLS A FOLDED SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HIS COAT POCKET

FINNISTER

If that’s a sonnet I’m leaving.

STUART

It’s not a sonnet. It’s just a basic outline of what I want to say.

FINNISTER

Well, let me take a look

FINNISTER TAKES THE PAPER FROM STUART, UNFOLDS IT

Hmmm…well it all seems pretty simple. Perhaps a test run?

STUART

I beg your pardon?

 

FINNISTER

I shall play your nubile minx, and you will present your heart to me as if it were that magical moment.

STUART

Remember when I called you mad?

FINNISTER

Not with vivid detail, but yes, I remember, why?

STUART

This isn’t helping your case, friend.

FINNISTER

Fine, if you want to stutter and mumble your true feelings…I am more than happy to let you do that.

STUART

Wait! Ok…I’ll do it.

FINNISTER

I only wish to help you, Stuart.

STUART

Thanks.

FINNISTER

Mention it not, in three seconds I will be your precious Marianna, ready?

STUART

As I’ll ever be I suppose.

FINNISTER

Three

STUART

Two

FINNISTER

One.

STUART

Marianna, I have something to say to you…

FINNISTER

Why, I’m all ears Stuart.

STUART

Working with you these past few weeks, has been an absolute joy. You’ve given my life a vivaciousness and an energy it desperately needed. I daresay I’ve grown to love you in our time together…And my world would be all the brighter if you would merely offer in return those words I have breathlessly dreamed would leave your lips and slip into my ear…

MARIANNA

Stuart! Come take your coffee, it’s burning my hand!

STUART

While I’m thoroughly impressed with your mimicry skills, Finnister, That’s hardly a constructive response in this scenario.

FINNISTER

That was the vision herself.

STUART

Oh! Marianna! You’re um…back! How lovely!

MARIANNA

Expecting someone else?

STUART

No, not at all, just not expecting you this soon. Thanks for the coffee.

MARIANNA

Most welcome.

 

FINNISTER

Now that we’re all caffeinated, perhaps now would be a good idea to go over anything we haven’t yet. Any questions?

MARIANNA

I have one that’s been bothering me for a while…

STUART

Go ahead…

MARIANNA

Well, it’s just, we’re all so concerned with the Conference, who exactly are we trying to impress?

STUART

Well, the Conference is not so much a chance to impress or silence harsh critics, it is more about presenting our findings to a room full of like-minded, constructively opinionated, and respectable individuals.

FINNISTER

We also want to crush Evelyn.

STUART

That too.

MARIANNA

Evelyn?

FINNISTER

Evelyn Turns…she’s become our, rival of sorts.

STUART

We met at last year’s conference…

FINNISTER

I believe Roosevelt said it best when he said, “a day that will live in infamy?”

 

MARIANNA

What happened?

STUART

Nothing I care to indulge in great detail. In any case, what with this project’s proverbial second wind, I feel that Evelyn shall be shocked right out of her overpriced frock this year!

FINNISTER

Hear hear!

MARIANNA

Um…hear hear!

A KNOCK FROM OFFSTAGE

I’ll just go see who that is!

STUART

Yes, Finnister, with your help I feel this year we shall indeed regain my lost dignity from that treacherous harpy!

AS STUART IS TALKING ENTER MARIANNA AND EVELYN AND FELICIA TURNS BEHIND HIM. STUART IS COMPLETELY UNAWARE

EVELYN

Yes, Parsonus, you show that harpy!

STUART

Evelyn?

FINNISTER

Afraid so.

EVELYN

Good day, Parsonus…Finnister…

STUART

And a fine day to you as well, Evelyn.

EVELYN

Oh pish posh, we all know you’re not glad to see me…

FINNISTER

Untrue, we always consider ourselves blessed whenever we come in contact with…well…with your…

EVELYN

Is the famously loquacious Finnister Williams at a loss for words?

FINNISTER (ASIDE TO STUART)

You know what they say, if you can’t say anything nice…

EVELYN

Well?

FINNISTER

We relish any and every opportunity to bask in your pungent air.

EVELYN

Sub-par recovery dear, I’m afraid.

FINNISTER

Each is entitled to opinion I suppose.

EVELYN

Or mine in a perfect world.

FINNISTER

Perfectly dismal perhaps.

EVELYN

Warming up I see?

FINNISTER

Your coldness demands it.

EVELYN

Touché, perhaps I should switch tactics?

FINNISTER

By all means.

EVELYN

How goes your slavish devotion to a myth?

FINNISTER

If by myth you mean the immortal bard himself, then I suggest you retrogress before I strip away the proverbial “kid gloves.”

EVELYN

So testy…it’s comforting to know you still have…sore spots. And you, Stuart. How goes the mind numbingly dull world of John Dunne?

STUART

While not as flashy as the circus act you call a Faulkner course, I tend to pride myself in actual literary worth.

EVELYN

An opinion I feel extends no further than your own antiquated mind.

STUART

Oh? Perhaps you should ask my new research assistant her thoughts on the matter?

EVELYN

New? What happened to that…that gangly fellow you had? Crumbswill or something.

STUART

Cromwell…and he, had a breakdown not too long ago, the grueling pace of my work became too much for him. This is Marianna, she practically saved my project.

MARIANNA

How do you do, miss…Evelyn was it?

 

EVELYN

Only to those I know dear, you may call me Ms. Turns. Tell me, do you like working for Stuart and his…friend?

MARIANNA

Oh absolutely! I feel I’ve learned so much, and there’s still so much to learn!

EVELYN

Ah, if only Felicia here had more of your…spunk.

STUART

Who?

EVELYN

Oh yes, I suppose I have to introduce her now don’t I? Felicia is my own research assistant, she’s been…helpful in her own small way. Say hello Felicia…Felicia! Don’t be rude!

FELICIA

Hssssss!!!!

STUART

Oh! Uh…Charming girl, Evelyn.

FINNISTER

Takes after you.

EVELYN

Boundaries, dear Finnister. Boundaries.

FINNISTER

But of course.

EVELYN

Yes well, down to business then.

STUART

You mean this wasn’t a purely social visit?

FINNISTER

Not some friendly chit-chat.

EVELYN

You two are acting insufferably pleasant. I came of course to make sure you both were planning to attend the Conference.

STUART

Ah but of course.

FINNISTER

This year, is more imperative than ever!

EVELYN

Oh? Have something special planned do we?

STUART

Perhaps.

FINNISTER

The possibility exists…

FELICIA

Hsssss!!!

EVELYN

Felicia seems to despise your playful vagueness more than even myself.

FINNISTER

I believe you would be hard-pressed indeed to find something that girl did not despise.

EVELYN

I suppose there’s truth in that. In any case best of luck with your…pursuits. I hope at least this year, I won’t have to deal with any of your sophomoric “pranks.”

FINNISTER

Your eyebrows grew back did they not?

EVELYN

Not with any haste, however! Goodbye to the both of you, and to you Marianna. Feel free to drop by and chat.

EVELYN LEAVES, FELICIA LINGERS FOR A BRIEF MOMENT

FELICIA (SUDDENLY CHEERY AND BRIGHT)

I wish both of you the absolute best! Especially you Mr…Finnister was it?

FINNISTER

I…uh…yes, Finnister, that’s right.

FELICIA

Wonderful! I look forward to seeing you again…Finnister

EVELYN (FROM OFFSTAGE)

Felicia! Why are you dawdling?!

FELICIA

Coming! Oh…I mean…Hsss!!!!

FELICIA EXITS

STUART

Forgive me for sounding daft, Finnister…but was that…girl giving you googly eyes before she departed?

FINNISTER

No! Of course not! Why, to even consider the possibility! She definitely was not!

STUART

Ok ok…she wasn’t then…

FINNISTER

Thank you.

STUART

For your sake I hope she wasn’t.

LIGHTS GO TO BLACK

END OF ACT II SCENE ii

ACT II SCENE iii

NIGHT

EVELYN’S STUDY

EVELYN IS SITTING IN HER EASY CHAIR, FELICIA IS PACING NERVOUSLY

EVELYN

Felicia! Would you stop your incessant pittering about! We’re expecting company!

FELICIA

Oh, sorry Ms. Turns…I just…get antsy.

EVELYN

A fact that grows annoyingly more and more apparent with each passing second. Settle down!

FELICIA

I’m sorry!

EVELYN

Ugh, I tire of your whimpering.

FELICIA

I’m sorry.

EVELYN

Don’t apologize!

FELICIA

Oh, I’m…sorr…I’ll shut up.

EVELYN

That’s my girl. Go, and watch the door, our guest could be here at any moment.

 

FELICIA

Yes, Ms. Turns…of course Ms. Turns.

EVELYN

Just get there please, and stop groveling!

FELICIA

Of course.

FELICIA EXITS

EVELYN

The time it seems…is positively dripping with opportunity. Soon enough all the teensy tiny cosmic chess pieces will reach their mark, the planets will align, the ducks will line up pretty as a pink ribbon, and every other cliché for things going according to plan will manifest itself. I hereby declare to no other audience than my own genius that I, am merely a breath away from smearing the names of both Stuart Parsonus and Finnister Williams to the academic community for the rest of their pathetic, misguided, eyebrow-shaving lives!

EVELYN LAUNCHES INTO AN EVIL LAUGH OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

FELICIA

Um…Ms. Turns?

EVELYN

Ugh what is it? I’m right in the middle of something…

FELICIA

Yes, but…

EVELYN

D****t Felicia! I’m soliloquizing!

FELICIA

Well…your guest has arrived.

EVELYN

Oh, well why didn’t you say anything about that before?!

FELICIA

Well, I tried, but you were soliquizzing

EVELYN

Soliloquizing! And never you mind! Show them in, chop chop.

FELICIA

Yes…of course…right away.

FELICIA EXITS, RE ENTERS WITH MARIANNA IN TOW

EVELYN

Ah yes, come in, come in.

MARIANNA

Drop the hospitality Ms. Turns…I’m only here to discover exactly what you meant by “a little chat.”

EVELYN

Of…of course. Brass tacks.

MARIANNA

Quite.

EVELYN

Well…to be upfront, I am offering the chance to divulge the entirety of Stuart and Finnister findings to me in exchange for an ample monetary repayment.

MARIANNA

You want me to sell out my employers?

EVELYN

Precisely.

MARIANNA

Well…it’s highly unethical for me to even deliberate such an emotional affair.

 

EVELYN

My team and I are willing to spend anything in the neighborhood of a hundred, thousand dollars for this information.

MARIANNA

Well that solves my ethics problem.

EVELYN

Fantastic! So you’ll do it?

MARIANNA

Not quite that quickly. There’s one thing bugging me…

EVELYN

And that would be?

MARIANNA

Motive…what do you have against Stuart and Finnister anyway?

EVELYN

A fair question…Finnister…as I’m sure you know by now, has a caustic wit and a more than a little sadistic need to employ it.

MARIANNA

Of course.

EVELYN

Well, last year’s conference provided Finnister with an opportunity to employ this infamous “gift” upon myself in such a way as that my ego is still whimpering to this day.

MARIANNA

My! What on Earth did he do?

EVELYN

He…oh I can’t, it’s far too dreadful.

 

MARIANNA

What? What could have been so terrible that you would throw around one hundred thousand dollars to pay him back?

EVELYN

He…shaved my entire head and face.

MARIANNA

I beg your pardon?

EVELYN

I said, he shaved my entire head, and face!

MARIANNA

Oh…that’s just mean spirited. I will enjoy nothing more than helping you receive your justice.

EVELYN

Perhaps even for free?

MARIANNA

Let’s not push it, Ms. Turns.

EVELYN

Please, my friends call me Evelyn.

MARIANNA

Very well then, Evelyn.

EVELYN

Now, what exactly do they have?

MARIANNA

Plenty

MARIANNA HANDS EVELYN A SMALL 1” BINDER. EVELYN OPENS AND READS IT

 

EVELYN

Ah, the Bacon Parallels. But, that’s all been done before.

MARIANNA

Yes, but we’ve applied the Theory in focus groups to test each of Shakespeare’s comedies, specifically. And then cross reference that data to observe motive and thought process compared to that of Bacon’s philosophy…the data is inescapable.

EVELYN

Oh, I see. Now, all of this in their presentation?

MARIANNA

Yes, it’s the central focus of their work.

EVELYN

And yours.

MARIANNA

What?

EVELYN

Well, you did your part in this project as well.

MARIANNA

Your point?

EVELYN

Just, your betrayal, it’s all rather refreshing to see a lack of morals in today’s youth.

MARIANNA

Whatever, just make sure I have my money before the conference is done.

EVELYN

But of course, on your way dear.

MARIANNA EXITSEVELYN HAS HER EPIC EVIL LAUGH AGAIN. LIGHTS GO TO BLACK. END OF ACT II SCENE iii

ACT III SCENE i

STUART’S STUDY

STUART IS STRAIGHTENING HIS TIE.

STUART (TO OFFSTAGE)

Are you sure we have everything ready?

MARIANNA ENTERS IN AN EVENING DRESS

MARIANNA

Of course, it’s the big day isn’t it?

STUART

Yes, yes quite right. I fear we’re missing something, however…Ah! Where is Finnister!

MARIANNA

I…he said he’d be here by now.

STUART

Well, he is not here!

MARIANNA

Stuart, calm down I’m sure he’ll be here.

FINNISTER ENTERS, THE TWO ARE UNAWARE

FINNISTER

Yes, Stuart, do calm down, I’m sure that I’m on my way to rendezvous with you both with all the haste of a war-time mailman.

STUART

Ah! Finnister! You’re here! Thank God.

FINNISTER

Your gratitude is undue, I assure you. Are we prepared?

 

MARIANNA

Are you two positively incapable of trusting me? Everything, is prepared!

FINNISTER

Excellent.

STUART

Are you, nervous at all?

FINNISTER

I have forsaken all notions of fright on the walk over here; I am resolute as Mac duff before the curtain falls on the Scotsman!

STUART

Ah! My voice is in my sword!

FINNISTER

Thou bloodier villain than terms can give the out!

THE TWO EXCHANGE A TRIUMPHANT HIGH-FIVE

MARIANNA

Will you both please stop quoting and hurry?

STUART

Quite…after you Finnister.

FINNISTER

After you

MARIANNA

Ugh! I’ll be waiting in the car once you two are done…being yourselves

STUART

Oh, thank you Marianna.

 

MARIANNA

Thank me in the car, the car with a driver who gets paid via a meter so if you two would please!

STUART

Yes, yes. Off you go!

FINNISTER

We will be out there with all the swiftness of Mercury himself.

MARIANNA

I swear, one more reference…

MARIANNA EXITS. STUART WATCHES HER UNTIL HE IS CERTAIN THE COAST IS CLEAR, ONCE IT IS, HE TURNS BACK TO FACE FINNISTER

STUART

I shan’t be going!

FINNISTER

Oh come now, let’s not be a cliché Stuart.

STUART

I have no qualms with descending into the ranks of poor theatrical comedy; I will play the terrified man who refuses to attend a social event to the best of my ability.

FINNISTER

I see. And I suppose you won’t indulge me in a simple question?

STUART

Depends.

FINNISTER

On?

STUART

Was that the question?

 

FINNISTER

No.

STUART

Then no!

FINNISTER

Come now! Stuart I am going to count down from five and upon zero you will revert back to your educated and reserved, normal self. Savvy?

STUART GRUMBLES IN RESPONSE

FINNISTER

Fair enough. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero…I said zero!

STUART

Alright alright!

FINNISTER

Take a deep breath, that’s it…now, feel better?

STUART

Yes, yes thank you Finnister.

FINNISTER

Think nothing of it. Might I ask the cause of this breakdown?

STUART

I fear it is the deed to be done that sets me on edge.

FINNISTER

Ah, what the Scotsman would call the “bloody business,” I trust you are not speaking of the presentation?

STUART

Only partly as such.

 

FINNISTER

I see. Well I fear I can offer no solace.

STUART

No?

FINNISTER

This is a battle you must fight yourself/

STUART

Then it is already lost!

FINNISTER

Oh come now! You, Stuart Parsonus, are intelligent, clever, charming, and above all, sincere. Marianna, were she aware of your intentions, would count her blessings and fall to her knees in utter gratitude!

STUART

You think so?

FINNISTER

In no uncertain terms my dear friend and colleague.

STUART

Well, thank you.

FINNISTER

Quite welcome, now…do you have any sort of plan?

STUART

A very, fuzzy one.

FINNISTER

By all means, delineate.

 

 

STUART

Well, after we give our presentation, I will ask her to join me at a table and then I shall spill my soul onto the table like so much red wine.

FINNISTER

Very romantic. I trust you still have that napkin?

STUART

Regrettably so.

FINNISTER

At least you know what you’re saying.

STUART

True…Finnister?

FINNISTER

Yes?

STUART

Is it normal to be…

FINNISTER

Be what?

STUART

Terrified?

FINNISTER

Of course, it comes with the territory of being intellectual. We find ourselves quivering lumps of viscous fear whenever we are confronted with something that resembles a “feeling.”

STUART

Ah, sad but honest I suppose.

FINNISTER

In any case, be strong my friend!

STUART

Yes, of course!

FINNISTER

You are brilliant, clever, good looking…

STUART

Easy old friend.

FINNISTER

There is no fortune that should have you fail tonight!

STUART

Huzzah!

FINNISTER

To the car!

STUART

Indeed! To the car! Shine out fair sun, til I have bought a glass…

MARIANNA (FROM OFFSTAGE)

For God’s sake get out here!

FINNISTER RUSHES OFFSTAGE STUART IS LEFT ALONE

STUART

So that I may see my shadow, as I pass.

MARIANNA

Any day now!

STUART

Coming!!

STUART EXITS

LIGHTS GO TO BLACK

ACT III Scene ii

EVELYN’S STUDY

FELICIA SCURRIES ABOUT THE STAGE IN A PANIC

FELICIA

Oh…oh…where is it? Where could it be?

EVELYN (From OFFSTAGE)

Felicia! Have you found it yet?

FELICIA

No, not yet Ms. Turns!

EVELYN SAUNTERS ONTO THE STAGE IN A LOUD EVENING GOWN

EVELYN

I suggest, my dear assistant, that you find it before I am forced to take punitive action!

FELICIA

Oh no! I’ll find it Ms. Turns, I promise!

EVELYN

Well hurry! Time is of the essence!

FELICIA

Yes Ms. Turns.

EVELYN

The night for my final savory revenge against those two wretched men of literature and its success lies in the abilities of a wretched excuse for a girl to look for the essential piece of the puzzle.

MARIANNA ENTERS, SHE HAS A FOLDER IN HER HANDS

MARIANNA

Looking for something?

 

EVELYN

Ah, Marianna dear, I thought you would be with Stuart.

FELICIA

And Finnister, ohhh Finnister.

EVELYN

What?

FELICIA

Nothing.

MARIANNA

I slipped away.

EVELYN

And they suspect nothing, correct?

MARIANNA

Not a thing.

EVELYN

Fantastic.

MARIANNA HOLDS OUT THE FOLDER. OFFERS IT TO EVELYN

MARIANNA

Here, are all the notes for the presentation.

EVELYN TAKES IT

EVELYN

Thank you dear, poor Felicia had been looking for the copy you left us all day, I was worried she wouldn’t find it in time!

FELICIA

Hsssss!

MARIANNA

Well, no need to worry.

EVELYN

A bit like handing over your soul…

MARIANNA

Pardon?

EVELYN

I’m just saying, the folder, your betrayal, it’s all very…

MARIANNA

Do not, I repeat, do not, say Shakespearean.

EVELYN

I…fair enough.

MARIANNA

Sorry, Stuart and Finnister have been jamming the bard down my throat, it gets me irritable.

EVELYN

But of course. Now you’re positive they have no inkling of your activities?

MARIANNA

They are blind as King Lear.

EVELYN

Excellent. I shall see you then, dear.

MARIANNA

I beg your pardon?

EVELYN

What?

 

MARIANNA

I feel I must remind that I am not doing all this for my health, Evelyn.

EVELYN

Your point?

MARIANNA

My payment…please.

EVELYN

Will be given to you once the deed is done, and no sooner.

MARIANNA

Oh come now, you have all the necessary weapons to strike, I have done my part.

EVELYN

There is honor, my dear, amongst thieves. Let your patience reflect this.

MARIANNA

Very well, I’ll wait. But, if I don’t get my reward when all is said and done…

EVELYN

You are young, sweet, and far too new to this game to be making threats dear. I don’t recommend it, it makes wrinkles, and we can’t have you spoiling your only asset. Can we?

MARIANNA

Just, make sure I get my money.

EVELYN

You’ll get your thirty pieces once I get my pound of flesh, dear. Then and no sooner!

MARIANNA EXITS

EVELYN

God, Felicia I despise ambitious youth sometimes, they all try so desperately to be evil, but they lose sight of the one thing that separates villains from vagabonds.

 

FELICIA

And what is that Ms. Turns?

EVELYN

Patience. Now go, go and get the car ready while I prepare myself.

FELICIA

Patience is right…

EVELYN

What was that?

FELICIA

Nothing Ms. Turns. I’ll be outside readying the car.

EVELYN

Yes, do.

FELICIA EXITS

Finally, after countless days, weeks, and months I am teetering on the edge of retribution! I sit with bloody dagger over the corpse of King Duncan! I can almost taste the sweet fruit of vengeance on my tongue. Finally I can allow Finnister and his spineless friend to feel the agony I’ve felt after the countless ridicule they’ve piled onto my aging mind. No more shall they walk away unscathed from the battlefield of my shaved eyebrows, no more shall I sulk in wig and my own shame while they laugh! The time has come for true action to be taken against these monsters. Oh Finnister…how I long to see your face twisted into the unsightly mask of embarrassment!

EVELYN HAS ANOTHER MANIACAL LAUGH

FELICIA ENTERS AGAIN

FELICIA

Um…Ms. Turns?

EVELYN

Ugh! Your new talent for interrupting me whenever I am lost in the wonder of an evil speech is becoming the most bothersome thing on the laundry list of annoying habits you already wield!

FELICIA

I’m sorry…it’s just…

EVELYN

What is it?

FELICIA

We’re going to be late…

EVELYN

What?

FELICIA

If you continue your monologue…

EVELYN

Please, it’s a soliloquy…

FELICIA

Well…we just need to go…

EVELYN

Fine, fine! No rest for the wicked I suppose.

FELICIA

Indeed Ms. Turns

EVELYN

To the car! Vengeance is to be mine!

FELICIA

Right this way Ms. Turns.

EVELYN LETS LOOSE ANOTHER EVIL LAUGH

EVELYN AND FELICIA EXIT

LIGHTS GO TO BLACK

ACT III SCENE iii

THE CONFERENCE

STUART AND FINNISTER ARE SITTING AT A TABLE

FINNISTER

Good lord, our ranks become thinner with each passing year, Stuart. And the first batch of presentations was simply dreadful, I thank the lord they’ve added an intermission

STUART

So it would seem, no real care or love is given to art anymore.

FINNISTER

Yes, our world’s last look at naked truth and we cast it aside like an old set of mittens.

STUART

It’s heart breaking.

FINNISTER

Perhaps, our studies will provide the controversy our world has been waiting for, and interest will once again peak as it had in the immortal bard’s own time!

STUART

For one so dryly witty, your optimism is staggering.

FINNISTER

One can only hope, in this day and age.

STUART

Oh, oh God here she comes.

FINNISTER

Oh don’t tell me, Evelyn?

STUART

And that badger of hers…

 

FINNISTER

Ugh, I pray she only hisses this time, her pleasantness was ever more off-putting.

EVELYN AND FINNISTER APPROACH THEIR TABLE

EVELYN

Oh good evening Stuart

STUART

And wishes of a wonderful evening to you as well, Evelyn.

EVELYN

And yes, to you too Finnister, I suppose.

FINNISTER

Likewise.

FELICIA

Hello Finnister….

FINNISTER

Oh, hello Felicia.

STUART

And how do you do Felicia?

FELICIA

Hsssss!

STUART

Well…that answers that I suppose.

EVELYN

You’ll have to forgive Felicia, she doesn’t do well around…people.

 

 

FINNISTER

And there lies a fact that sweetens your relationship to a point somewhere in between that of a chocolate pudding and that of a twelve-pound bag of refined sugar, Evelyn.

EVELYN

Oh, Pocket speaks! Shall the fool unsheathe his tongue and match with mine own?

FINNISTER

Well, I certainly had no intention of doing so, but your calling me by the name of Lear’s fool certainly boils the blood.

EVELYN

To use the parlance of the times, bring it on.

FINNISTER

I fear bringing anything more than the rank air of your existence upon your shoulders would collapse your withered, pungent frame. Although the absence of said frame would indeed lighten the mood of myself, my companions, and the entirety of the human race I’d wager.

EVELYN

Oh dear, Finnister it’s been too long.

FINNISTER

My dear, you cannot miss what you have never had.

EVELYN

A sad circumstance that envelopes the entirety of your romantic preference, my dear.

FINNISTER

You are mistaken, for I can assure you that I don’t miss…that.

EVELYN

I’m sure. Oh Stuart?

FINNISTER

A subject change that signifies my victory.

 

STUART

Oh Finnister, put it away. What is it, Evelyn?

EVELYN

Where is that plucky creature you’re always toting around with your company?

STUART

Marianna, she has a name.

EVELYN

No need to get defensive, dear.

STUART

She is in the restroom, we’re awaiting our call.

EVELYN

Ah, bated breath held tightly as the hour of your presentation draws near?

STUART

Quite. Although we are all more than amply prepared, countless hours of work have gone into this evening’s unveiling.

FINNISTER

As rehearsed as a Hamlet soliloquy.

EVELYN

I’m sure. And I assume you’ve seen him.

STUART

Him?

EVELYN

Your former assistant, Crumbler, or Crimwilk, or whoever.

FINNISTER

You mean to say Cromwell is here? Tonight?

EVELYN

That’s the talk, apparently he’s unhinged. Your handiwork Stuart?

STUART

It was an unfortunate sacrifice to the project.

FINNISTER

Oh my, it seems the powers that be wished to make this evening as dramatic as possible.

EVELYN

Finnister, you have no idea.

FINNISTER

What was that?

EVELYN

Nothing.

STUART

Zounds! Marianna has returned!

EVELYN

Which marks my cue to leave, I cannot stand the sight of naked, youthful, optimism.

MARIANNA ENTERS

Farewell to the both of you, best of luck on your presentation.

STUART

And to you as well, Evelyn.

EVELYN

Thank you, say goodbye Felicia.

FELICIA

Hssss!

EVELYN AND FELICIA EXIT

MARIANNA

Um...what was that about?

FINNISTER

The witch wished to announce her presence to us it seems.

STUART

And offer some expression of “good luck,” really Finnister let us not make her out to be some child-gobbling monster of the Grimm Fairy Tales.

FINNISTER

But of course, I apologize. In any case, she informed us of a very important bit of news while she was here.

MARIANNA (nervously)

Oh? And what might that bit of news be?

STUART

Cromwell is here!

MARIANNA

The Cromwell?

STUART

I’m afraid so.

FINNISTER

He’s unglued, apparently.

MARIANNA

And what makes you so happy about all this?

FINNISTER

I love nothing more than when the extraordinary flings itself into our uneventful lives.

STUART

He’s laboring under the impression that something dramatic will occur.

MARIANNA

I see, well if it is…I suppose it will happen now.

FINNISTER

Oh? And why is that.

CROMWELL ENTERS

MARIANNA

I do believe he’s on his way over here.

STUART

No disrespect Marianna, but I don’t believe you had the pleasure of meeting Cromwell.

MARIANNA

Your point?

STUART

Identifying him would be tough from that perspective, no?

MARIANNA

He was institutionalized, right?

FINNISTER

That’s the rumor…

MARIANNA

He’s the craziest looking person here.

CROMWELL APPROACHES

FINNISTER

Fair enough.

CROMWELL

Stuart!! How are you man?

 

STUART

Oh, Cromwell, how are you?

CROMWELL

Perfectly perfectly perfect! And who’re all these then?

FINNISTER

Finnister good sir, it’s nice to finally meet you.

CROMWELL

Finally? Have you been expecting me? Oh, oh you’re one of them aren’t you? Alack! Must I rend the blue sky to shreds in order to escape your villainy? Tonight good sir, or creature, or hobgoblin that you might be, prepare to taste real rage!

STUART

Cromwell, now calm down, Finnister only meant that he had heard a lot about you, from me. Your work with me and it’s unfortunate early end had left quite an impression, and I had to tell someone, you see?

CROMWELL

Ah, yes of course. I apologize. You know how it is, the demons, aliens, and the militant nature of the hidden world. It’s hell on the brain when you know so much about what’s really going on.

FINNISTER

I can imagine.

STUART

When were you released from…?

CROMWELL

The loony bin? I wasn’t.

FINNISTER

I see, so you’re here…

CROMWELL

Illegally, it’s fantastic isn’t it? Being free and all that.

STUART

Cromwell, you mean to tell you’ve broken out?

CROMWELL

Broken out, snuck out, it’s all the same to the beast isn’t it? Who’s this?

MARIANNA

Oh, I’m Marianna; I’m Stuart’s new research assistant.

CROMWELL

New…research…assis…Stuart you had me replaced?

STUART

I was left with little alternative.

CROMWELL

But, I continued our research!

STUART

In the asylum?

CROMWELL

Yes! I escaped solely so that I could help in your presentation! I’ve uncovered such wondrous things!

STUART

In the asylum…

CROMWELL

Yes, yes a minor detail! I still have made some extraordinary finds!

FINNISTER

Such as?

CROMWELL

Such as the likes of which a petty fool such as yourself may never know, good sir!

CROMWELL YELLS AND MAKES FOR FINNISTER, GRABS HIM, AND BEGINS STRANGLING HIM

FINNISTER (GURGLING)

Stuart? Might you persuade your friend to relinquish his grip!

STUART

Cromwell! Let go of him!

CROMWELL

Just give me a minute…

STUART GRABS CROMWELL AND PULLS HIM OFF FINNISTER, LEAVING HIM GASPING. CROMWELL SHRUGS STUART OFF.

CROMWELL

Well then, I can see where I’m not wanted. Stuart, I must express my sadness for your termination of our work together, I was under the impression we were friends! As for my contribution to your work…consider it most assuredly rescinded! Farewell Stuart!

STUART

Uh, farewell Cromwell, I trust there’s no hard feelings then?

CROMWELL

Hard feelings in abundance, Stuart.

FINNISTER

An evening free of sanity’s sting, Cromwell.

CROMWELL

Stuart? Please inform that rank philistine of a friend of yours that I do not converse with those that I have had the displeasure of strangling.

STUART

Um…will do?

CROMWELL

Wonderful. Oh, and a lovely evening to you as well!

MARIANNA

Me?

CROMWELL

Yes, I can’t help that Stuart has chosen another, so I feel no displeasure in knowing you!

MARIANNA

Well…thank you.

CROMWELL

You’re most welcome. Stuart! Until next time!

CROMWELL EXITS

STUART

Well…that was interesting…

FINNISTER

If that’s your word for it…

MARIANNA

What on earth did you do to him?

STUART

Nothing…it was just…the research, I can’t assume responsibility for his weak constitution.

THE CONFERENCE COMMISIONER TAKES THE STAGE

STUART

Oh, the presentations begin anew!

CONFERENCE COMMISIONER

Thank you all for your patience, I realize that tonight’s festivities have run a bit long, so without further ado, I present Eton College’s Evelyn Turns, and her findings.

EVELYN TAKES THE STAGE

 

FINNISTER

Oh dear, Evelyn is taking the stage…

STUART

Need we pay attention?

FINNISTER

Surely not.

MARIANNA

I’m going to use this opportunity to visit the restroom again, I imagine the quality of the presentation and the former location is apt to be the same!

STUART

Might we ourselves use the time to rehearse our own presentation?

FINNISTER

Quite right.

STUART

Ahem…Greetings fellow colleagues, peers, and scholars of our language. Tonight we wish to tackle that most ancient of topics: the true identity of the immortal bard!

FINNISTER

While it is true that this particular point has been examined before, recent discoveries have led us to reopen as it were…

FINNISTER AND EVELYN IN UNISON

The possibility of Sir Francis Bacon as the true author of William Shakespeare’s plays…

FINNISTER

Well, that was peculiar.

EVELYN

Indeed, many scholars of the highest caliber have already attempted to prove this point, new evidence has indeed come to light.

EVELYN CONTINUES IN PANTOMIME AS STUART AND FINNISTER DISCUSS IN ASIDE

STUART

Is she reading…our presentation?

FINNISTER

So it would seem.

STUART

But…how?

FINNISTER

Can you think of no reason?

STUART

What are you saying?

FINNISTER

Stuart, what member of our intrepid group is not present right now.

EVELYN CONCLUDES TO APPLAUSE

EVELYN

Thank you, thank you. Of course I have people I wish to thank, the first of whom is myself, and the second my own assistant, Felicia.

STUART

She could never…would never…

EVELYN

And finally I have to thank one person in particular without whom my project would indeed be lost.

MARIANNA ENTERS

MARIANNA

Well, it is certainly a jog to the lavatory here…what’s wrong?

EVELYN

Marianna, thank you for your invaluable help.

MARIANNA

Oh, that.

STUART

Marianna! How…could you!

MARIANNA

I…I…

STUART

Go, just go. I don’t want to look at you, this is…unforgivable.

EVELYN

Thank you again Marianna, you truly have been a wondrous addition to my team.

EVELYN LEAVES THE STAGE WHERE SHE IS CONFRONTED BY MARIANNA

MARIANNA

There was no need for you to announce my involvement!

EVELYN

Oh yes, I had to crush Stuart as best I could, once he knew of the woman he loves’ betrayal, I knew it would absolutely devastate him!

MARIANNA

The woman he loves?

EVELYN

Are you honestly that oblivious? Dear I thought you were intelligent.

MARIANNA

And where’s my money!

 

EVELYN

What money?

MARIANNA

You promised!

EVELYN

Dear, I’m the villain! I lie! It’s a fact of life! Come Felicia.

EVELYN LEAVES MARIANNA CRUSHED AND MAKES TO EXIT WHERE SHE RUN INTO CROMWELL

CROMWELL

Harpy! Thou hast betrayed thine own men of mind!

CROMWELL GRABS HOLD OF EVELYN AND THROWS HER INTO A CHAIR

FINNISTER

Umm…Stuart?

STUART

What now? My world is ruined.

FINNISTER

I do believe your former assistant has something to say.

CROMWELL LEAPS ONTO THE STAGE

CROMWELL

Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears!

STUART

Oh dear God…

CROMWELL

The Baconian Theory is false! Throughout my time as Stuart Parsonus’ research assistant and yes, an institutionalized madman I have pored over these so called coincidences and found an inconsistency! Bacon was, of course, a Mason! And as a Mason he did indeed lurk deep within the shadows of English theatre, however he was held up in the Masonic society as a man of science! The Masons, as strict and tough-tack an organization as they were, forbad anyone who chose to branch out into the arts! They would’ve crushed any hope Sir Francis Bacon had at publishing a play, even under a pseudonym! So you see! There is of course, no possible way that Sir Francis could escape the harsh totalitariansitic attitude towards the arts that the Masons wielded!

FINNISTER

Hmm…it is a valid point.

STUART

Did he just…save the day?

FINNISTER

Yes, yes I believe he did.

STUART

Remarkable.

EVELYN

No! No! No! No! I have too long waited for my vengeance to have it pissed into nothing by some lunatic bleeding his unintelligible babble from the stage! Too long have I sat through the ghastly misdealing and mischief of these two men! Too long have I sat and took all their abuses and ridicule! Now is the time! Now was my time to take back my dignity! Felicia, do something!

FELICIA

Ms. Turns, I fear that it is time our relationship be drawn to a close…what with the Conference being over and all that.

EVELYN

But, but, but…

CROMWELL

Silence vile Baconian!

CROMWELL LEAPS FROM THE STAGE AND THROWS EVELYN OVER HIS SHOULDER AND RUNS LAUGHING OFFSTAGE

 

CROMWELL (SHOUTING OFFSTAGE)

Long live the immortal bard!

CONFERENCE COMMISIONER, STUART, FINNISTER, AND FELICIA STAND IN STUNNED SILENCE

FINNISTER

Well…

CONFERENCE COMMISIONER

Never a dull moment in the literary world it seems. I’m going for a drink.

FINNISTER

I think I’ll join you…Felicia?

FELICIA

Yes?

FINNISTER

Come, let’s discuss your new position as my research assistant.

FELICIA

Right away Mr. Williams!

FINNISTER

Please, call me Finnister.

FINNISTER AND FELICIA EXIT

MARIANNA AND STUART REMAIN ON STAGE

MARIANNA

Stuart…I don’t know what to say.

STUART

You were willing to betray me? For money?

 

MARIANNA

I know. I was stupid, I’m sorry.

STUART

And you had no idea, how I felt about you?

MARIANNA

Of course not! I wouldn’t have done what I did if I had.

STUART

Really…

MARIANNA

Of course not!

STUART

And why’s that?

MARIANNA

Because I…maybe I feel the same way.

STUART

What?

MARIANNA

I couldn’t stand being around you and have you not know, I had to do something rash, something desperate! I had to leave, and I needed money, Evelyn had it…it all seemed to fit.

STUART

You couldn’t have just told me?

MARIANNA

You couldn’t have just told me?

STUART

I…I…I see your point.

MARIANNA

We’re both fairly terrible at this sort of thing aren’t we?

STUART

Hopeless it would seem.

MARIANNA

Maybe it’s something we could practice?

STUART

Of course.

MARIANNA

And now that your former assistant has disproved the Baconian theory, it seems we have to start from scratch yet again.

STUART

Indeed we do.

MARIANNA

Mind taking a walk with me, you know, to brainstorm?

STUART

But of course.

MARIANNA

After you then.

STUART

Ah, the course of true love never runs smooth…

MARIANNA

Ugh, could you please stop quoting? God knows how much trouble Shakespeare has gotten us in already.

END