A Small Skit (or 1983 Hellcop Megascum Deathfucker)

A short script about pencils.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Open on a person, sitting at a desk in the middle of a field, they are dressed in business attire. They stare at a piece of paper, they hold it up to their face, then set it down on their desk. They look at the pencil on their desk, it reads “1983 Hellcop Megascum Deathfucker.”

PERSON

(At pencil)

What?

They open their drawer to look at their other pencils, one reads “15,000 shrimp, one man, infinite possibilities” another reads “John Wayne Gacy fights a smaller John Wayne Gacy made entirely out of sock puppets and duct tape, tonight at 11”

They quickly scan the other pencils to find more absurd phrases included, but not limited to, “John McCain come home we miss you.” “Lob-bob-slob-snob, you need a lobber I got your bobber.” “TEEN SCREAM DREAM MEME TEAM 2014” and “In 1923, the big trend was sitting on a big a*s f*****g pole for as long as you could, old people were f*****g wild.”

PERSON

(thinking aloud)

Where the hell do we get these?

Phone rings.

The Person picks it up.

PERSON

Hello?

MYSTERIOUS CALLER

(in a half whimsical half ‘gross’ voice, like a really excited Neil Hamburger)

A tiny birdman tells me you inquire about the pencils?

PERSON
(looks around, sees no one, pulls into receiver, semi-whispering)

How did you know-

MYSTERIOUS CALLER

(interrupting)

I know all! Except anything not relating to the current situation.

PERSON
So you know nothing outside of this?

M. CALLER

Uh, no... I know basic things, such as math, sport, U.S. history, 18th century cartography.

PERSON

Then who was the first president?

M. CALLER

Trick question!

(noises of computer keyboard clacking)

Gyord Washton!

PERSON

Alright.

M. CALLER

Well, I lost my train of thought... The pencils! Yes! You wondered who made them? Yes?

PERSON

Augh, don’t answer your own questions that is just the worst.

M. CALLER

But the pencils?!?

PERSON

Honestly, I just don’t care anymore, I have alot to do today anyway-

M. CALLER

It was August of 1999, the new LFO record just came out, but not the “Frequencies” LFO the “Summer Girls” LFO, you remember LFO?

PERSON

Not really-

M. CALLER

(poorly singing LFO’s “Summer Girls”)

New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits

Chinese food makes me sick

And I think it's fly when girls stop by

For the summer, for the summer

PERSON

I’m hanging up now.

M.CALLER

(much louder)

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch

I'd take her if I had one wish

But she's been gone since that summer, since that summer-

PERSON hangs up.

Phone rings, PERSON lets it go to voicemail.

PERSON’S VOICEMAIL

Hi! I can’t make it to the phone right now! But I’ll be happy to respond to your message.

M.CALLER (leaving a message)

You listen here you s**t baby grupple fucknut, I have worked in this s**t hole pencil factory for thirty ‘got’-damn years and I have the artistic freedom of a... man who works in a pencil factory. None-the-less the only keeping me from going insane has been these pencil inscriptions, you see I wanted to be a writer, and all of those inscriptions are titles for novellas I have written. “1983 Hellcop Megascum Deathfucker” is my personal magnum opus. It details Jeff Brungley, a cop, but not just a cop, the best cop, and he has a cool cop mustache. Well his wife is killed by the mob so he hunts down the mob and kills them all then he goes to hell and kills their souls and then sends them to mega hell oblivion then he fights Satan for his wife back. Satan defeats him but is so impressed by his skills he makes him into “1983 Hellcop Megascum” then he tells 1983 Hellcop Megascum that the only way to ge his wife back is to find death and defeat them, so he goes to the land of the dead and seduces death into giving him his wife back. He then has sex with death making him 1983 Hellcop Megascum Deathfucker, unfortunately death becomes jealous of his wife and tries to send her to oblivion but 1983 Hellcop Megascum Deathfucker kills death with a the Megascum Megablast. And thats the whole thats the thats the thing. I wrote it. F**k you.

(message ends)

PERSON

(looks the directly at the camera as it pan zooms in and they make a goofy face)

Well thats my life!

(laugh track plays)

(PERSON keeps the pose)

(laugh track continues)

(they keep the pose)

(the laugh track grows louder and distorts)

(PERSON resumes their business)

(the laugh track grows louder and more distorted)

(PERSON looks the camera, concerned)
(the laughter continually builds)

PERSON

(worried)

Okay, I get it. Can we stop?

(the laughter continues)

PERSON

Guys?
Hello?

Please stop.

(the laughter continues)

PERSON

(fearful)
Please no.

Oh god no.

(the laughter is so loud and terrifying PERSON crawls into fetal position crying)

(they gather up the strength to go on the desk and pull a pistol out of the drawer.)

(the laughter builds)

(they load the pistol)

(the laughter builds)

(they stick the pistol in their mouth)

(the laughter builds)

(PERSON fires, they fall to the ground dead, the laughter ceases)

(confetti lands on them from the sky and a small chuckle is heard)

END

Author's Note

*Shrugs violently*

Reviews

[SoulShatter]

*claps uncontrollably* I love it! This was actually very well written! Good job!