Brothers, Part One

This is part one of a short story series. It's about two brothers who discover that they have abilities and must learn to control them or end up hurting the ones they love. Let me know what you think!

Brothers

Part One: The Discovery

 

          “When will you be home?” my mother asked in her constantly breezy voice.

          “Thirty minutes, tops,” I said, keeping an eye on the road and the sea of pedestrians in the busy parking lot. “I just have to pick up a CD and I’ll be right home.” I turned the wheel sharply and slid expertly into a parking space, my small car swallowed up by monstrous SUV’s on either side. I pulled the key from the ignition.

          “Is your homework done?” she asked with mock suspicion.

          I sighed, a slight smile on my face. “My homework’s always done, Mom.”

          She laughed. “I guess it is. What else should I expect from our Honor Roll student? I’ll see you soon. Love you.”

          “Love you, too, Mom,” I hung up, flipping my phone shut and sliding it into my pocket. I locked the car doors and delved into the labyrinthine parking lot. I sprinted across the street, dodging a mother and her children and a large truck that didn’t want to slow down. The store loomed over me, the Best Buy logo dominating the façade.

          I approached the automatic doors and a welcome wave of cool air washed over me. I entered the store and a babble of voices filled the air. I smiled at the attendant near the door and moved deftly through the aisles, ignoring plasma TVs and stereo systems. I was on a mission. I had been waiting for the newest David Sanborne CD for months.

          I moved straight to the Jazz section and was relieved to find several copies. I didn’t bother to check the price tag as I grabbed one from the rack. I had just started a job at the local Radio Shack near my house and was making plenty of money these days. I moved toward the counter, but took a detour at the last minute.

          I’d had my eyes on a new notebook computer ever since I started working. I had been planning on buying it at Circuit City, but maybe Best Buy had a better price. I pushed through the crowd of bodies and moved toward the back. I scratched my head, as an insistent itch began forming around my hairline. I moved through the aisles and reached the displays.

          I ran my hands over a nearby keyboard and tried to log into the notebook. It was password protected and I sighed. I ran my fingers over the side of the notebook, noting the ports. The itch across my scalp was becoming nearly unbearable and a dull pain began to throb through my head. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore it.

          I checked the price on the notebook and noticed my hairs were standing on end. I felt a strange tingle rippling across my body. My hand still rested on the laptop and I glanced around nervously. Without warning, electricity crackled from the laptop’s power port, arcing across the surface and dancing across my hand. I jerked back with a small yelp as the electricity crackled across my skin, bringing stabbing pain.

          I grunted, shaking my hands, trying to throw it off. Instead, the energy seemed to sink into my skin and within seconds it was gone. I felt a jolt seem to shoot through my veins and my body seemed alive with new energy. It was painful and my head felt like it was going to burst. I staggered backward as the rushing sensation slowly subsided. A man in the next aisle was staring at me and I tried to smile reassuringly. He turned and left, shaking his head.

          Slowly, the pain disappeared and my breathing returned to its normal pace. I still felt a rush of power at my core. I had never felt more energetic in my life. I felt like I could run a mile without breaking a sweat. I glanced at the notebook, my eyes still wide with confusion. The screen was blank and the power light dead.

          I spun around. All of the other notebooks were still glowing, their backgrounds promoting both Windows Vista and Best Buy. I moved closer. It had to have been a power surge of some kind. There was no other way to explain it. I cautiously touched the nearest laptop and withdrew my hand as quickly as I could. I held my breath, waiting for something to happen again. Nothing did. I ran my hands across the other notebooks, waiting. After a minute I breathed a sigh of relief and rubbed my temples, trying to wipe away the remaining pain. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

          The feeling came suddenly. I could feel the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and my temples seemed to throb beneath my fingers. My eyes flew open just as arcs of white energy streamed from the notebook computers. I felt pain erupt across my skin as the electricity seemed to be drawn to my body. It rippled over my skin, crackling like a fire.

          I fought the urge to cry out and sank to my knees as the energy began to sink beneath my skin. Once again, it seemed to rush through my veins and I felt more powerful and awake than I ever had. But the power was overridden by the excruciating pain. I could feel it inside me and felt as though it would tear me apart. The CD had long since fallen from my hands and it lay broken on the floor.

          I bit my lip and blood flowed into my mouth before the pain began to ebb. As it faded I pushed myself to my feet and almost sprinted toward the entrance. I passed the blank laptops on either side and I rushed through the aisles, not caring who I passed or what they thought. I rushed passed a plasma TV and gasped as a bolt of energy struck my body and sank into my skin.

          I pushed out of the door and ran into the parking lot, my breathing erratic. I didn’t bother to look for cars and was nearly hit by a hulking red truck. The driver honked angrily and shouted something unintelligible. I ignored the angry driver and nearly ran into my car. I pulled the key out of my pocket with shaking hands and shoved the key into the lock.

          Miraculously I managed to get in and get the car started. Once I was safely locked in the car with the air conditioning blasting into my face, I closed my eyes and leaned against the seat. My headache slowly subsided but I still felt energized and strong. “What the hell is happening to me?” I whispered.

          I fumbled in my pocket, taking out my phone and flipping it open. WELCOME the screen flashed. I began dialing the number, but another burst of energy leapt from the phone to my body and the screen went blank. I threw the phone to the floor, threw the car into reverse and backed out, not bothering to look behind me.

          I drove quickly through the afternoon sunlight, hardly paying attention to the road. I could still feel the energy rippling through my veins as if it would burst outward any minute…

 

 

          I threw open the garage door and kicked off my shoes. “David!” I shouted, trying to control the panic and confusion in my voice. I moved swiftly down the hallway, passing by my parents’ bedroom and threw open the door to my room. My brother, David was draped across his bed in one corner, headphones blasting heavy metal into his ears.

          “David,” I said urgently, closing the door to our bedroom and tossing my backpack onto my bed before collapsing on it myself.

          “What?” He said irritably, taking out only one headphone. “Did you get less than perfect on your math test, Jonathan? Are you about to cry?” He sneered in that frustrating way he had. His dark black eyes were full of mocking humor and his long black hair fell into his eyes. His pointed features had an aristocratic, superior look to them.

          I crossed the room angrily. We normally had a great relationship, but sometime’s David’s mocking sarcasm was too much to handle, especially when I was going out of my mind with confusion. “Just shut the hell up and listen, ok?” I said as I ripped the CD player from his hand and took out the batteries. I ignored his angry protest and shoved the CD player under my pillow.

          “Give it back, Jonathan,” he hissed. “You’re such an a*s sometimes. You’re seventeen. Grow up.”

          “I’ll give it back after you listen to me for a minute.”

          “You’ll give it back now.” He held out his hand and his teeth were bared with frustration. His palm faced upward and he twitched his fingers backward. “Now, Jonathan.”

          His fingers twitched again and without warning, my pillow was thrown backward. The CD player shot across the room. It flew toward David’s hand but he jumped back with a shout. The player seemed to twitch and change direction mid air. It smashed against the wall with a crunch and dropped to the floor.

          David leapt from the bed. “What the hell did you do that for? Why did you throw it?” He stepped toward me and flung his arms out in disbelief. I could hear the anger intensifying. He gestured wildly as he stepped toward me and objects went flying off of the desk, colliding with the opposite wall. David staggered backward.

          “I didn’t do it, David,” I said shakily. “I…I think you did.”

          “What do you mean?” he said uneasily, settling onto his bed, ignoring the broken objects strewn across the floor.

          “I don’t know, David, but weird things are happening to me.” I reached for the alarm clock on my bedside table. I clasped my hand around it and waited as the pressure built up and my hair stood on end. Electricity left the clock and swept across my arm, sinking into every pore. I was surprised to feel only a dull ache as the clock was emptied of power. The display went dead.

          “How did you do that?” David whispered, fear replacing any trace of anger.

          “I don’t know.”

          We sat in silence for several minutes, both of us staring at each other. I could feel slight traces of electricity still pulsing through my veins. David looked at our small bookshelf in one corner. He stared at if for several moments. He reached out a hand and his brow furrowed. He twitched his fingers and a book flew off of the shelf. He grunted as it smacked into his chest, but a maniac smile lit his face with a wild joy.

          “This is incredible.”

          “Yeah, you can make objects move without touching them and I can’t go anywhere near a TV without getting shocked. Look, I’m going to go take a shower, clear my head. Don’t tell mom, ok? I don’t think she’d understand.”

          “I may not be as perfect as you, but I’m not an idiot, Jonathan.” David’s mocking sneer returned and I rolled my eyes as I walked slowly into our small bathroom, closing the door behind me.

          I flipped on the light and the fan and looked at my reflection in the mirror, half expecting something to be changed.  Although my light brown hair was slightly frizzy, I looked just as I always had. My dark brown eyes stared soberly at me and my lightly muscled body was unchanged. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to fix my hair. It only seemed to make it worse. I could feel a slight tickle running through my arm and into my fingertips.

          I gave up on trying to find any physical changes and moved toward the shower. I reached for the handle. I felt the energy in my veins rising. It leapt out of my fingertips and into the metal spout, racing across the surface. It continued to pour from my hand and I could feel myself weakening as the energy raced out of my body. “David!”

          He burst into the room, throwing open the door. He gasped as he watched the crackling electricity pouring out of my body. Every last volt of energy seemed to disappear, leaping into the overhead bulb until it shattered and leaping down the metal drain. When it was finally spent I collapsed, my eyes rolling back in my head. I felt weaker than I’ve ever been and I was draped over the tub, unable to move a muscle.

          “Jonathan!” David knelt by my side, pulling me off of the tub and laying me down gently on the tile floor. He had an uncharacteristic look of concern on his face as I lay there motionless, waiting for my breathing to steady and my strength to return.

          “I guess it works both ways,” I said with a tired grin.

          “We need to get these things under control,” David said. “I can’t have you destroying my PS3.”

          “And I can’t have you pulling me across the room and smashing into the wall.”

          “We’ll work on it…”

 

Author's Note

Let me know what you think!

Reviews

[Jean]

Hm.
Well before I get into anything big, this line:

"Give it back, David," he hissed. "You're such an a*s sometimes. You're seventeen. Grow up."

Isn't that David talking? So shouldn't he be telling Jonathon to give it back? That might have been a simple typing error, but if you want the conversation to be real to us, then it's got to be real to you. You need to know who is talking to be able to put their personality behind it.

I also feel that you've got the reactions all wrong in this. Jonathon is a tad bit weirded out, and he coincidently tells his brother who just happens to have super powers as well? And he thinks it's just the coolest thing. It's a little too played out, not to mention a bit cliche. You have to put yourself in their shoes. They have no idea what these powers could mean. It's the unknown, and to humans, that's the scariest thing. They don't know how long they'll last, and they don't know if they're dangerous. Dig into their emotions. Writing about Heroes/Super powers for me has always had emotion playing a big role in the conflicts. How they feel about the danger, the change, and sometimes even the pride is very deep and should be described in full detail.

The thoughts need to be more detailed when Jonathon finds out about it powers. This is a very important scene and you should put some emphasis into it. It a huge part of the plot and it takes all of two seconds to read.

Also, the story starts out right when he discovers his powers. Give us some background knowledge. You should start the story a little farther back than this, maybe a week or so. Maybe even a month. Give us a feel of how his life is before the powers appear; let us experience how they change his life. Also, show us more of the strong relationship before hand, have him spend time with his brother before this happens so we don't feel that it is coincidental or played out that he goes straight to his brother when this happens. And even then don't jump straight into the powers. Lead up to them. You don't want the biggest conflict right at the start. Have small strange things happen first that indicate that their powers are forming, but make it DRAMATIC IRONY. Something that the reader can see that the characters cannot. Hint at things that are happening while still making the character oblivious to them. See what I'm saying?

Also, maybe think about how they got their powers. Was it just something that happened, something that can't be described? Or did something cause it? Perhaps even have the character discuss this to give what they think might have happened.

So basically, one of the biggest problems is the pace, structure, and order of the story, along with it being a bit low on detail.

Some lines are very realistic. I like where David says "I can't have you destroying my PS3." That sounds alot like what a teenage guy would say. :P He's trying to play off his concern, and the danger, and of course, mentioning video games. XD

It needs work, but all in all it looks promising. I always love a good Super Powers story, and I expect not to be disappointed. :)

[sorentense]

All right! Super powers! I love how you portray the more awkward side of being able to perform unusual feats... every comicbook hero just seems to know how to control their powers without working on it. I'm very curious to read more about it, and I love the brotherly interactions here.

[Syke]

Very great read! I'm already looking forward to the second part! I've noticed that through out your writing you have a tendency to reuse certain phrases and words, so you might want to work on using a larger variety of sentence structure and vocabulary. You use them throughout all your works, but within specific stories, it just reads as a little bit limited. The last few lines were a decent try at humor, in fact, I'd say they were almost funny. :)

[Jetta Zippora]

Oooo! Nice! Great write!

[Hope]

Intense (in a good way :D ) and very reader-friendly
Prodigiously written :D