The Ocean: Sold for £22.95

The ocean is sold for the price of a second-hand bicycle seat.

The bang of the gavel made it official. The ocean and all of its contents were to be handed over to one Baron Von Swirl for the price of £22.95. When he saw that he was the highest bidder at the auction, a nostril-flared smile grew like a horny flower on his face that said, 'I am the king of the ocean! Hahahahaha! It's all mine�"whales, jellyfish, turtles; even the mythological giant squid! All mine! Mayhap I can even lay claim to the Loch Ness Monster!' He had been dreaming of owning the ocean ever since he was a little boy Baron, and now, it was his.

The ocean had been looking for a new owner for a while, and on a Thursday afternoon auction, the estate of the ocean was finally settled, going for a surprisingly low price. For such a vast expanse of water to be placed in the hands of a single man�"even if he was a Baron�"and for the measly price of £22.95, no less; it just didn't seem right.

It wasn't long after the Baron had purchased the ocean that he discovered just why he had been able to purchase the one-of-a-kind ocean for the price of a new pair of swimming shorts: everyone in the world was putting their s**t into the Baron's ocean. Shopping trolleys, rusty hamster cages, rotten vegetables, cars, plastic, excrement, plastic excrement, broken ant farms, horse saddles, people, everything…The Baron was furious. 'What are you doing!' he shouted at no one in particular. 'Get away! Get away from my ocean! I don't throw my crap into your bathtub, do I!?' But everyone was doing it, and he couldn't be everywhere at once.

But that didn't stop him from trying to be.

He flew all over the world, using the money he didn't spend in purchasing the ocean, trying to prevent people from dumping their s**t into it. He exhausted himself, acting as a one man rubbish bin, trying to get people's rubbish off them before they put them in the ocean. But he knew deep down that there was nothing he could do. When he reached this inevitable conclusion, the Baron broke down, somewhere on the East coast of Mexico, shouting hysterically between fits of desperate blubbering, 'It's impossible! I'm only one man! I'm only a feeble Baron! There is too much s**t for this Baron to handle! Who will do it!? Just who will protect my ocean!?'

Eventually tiring himself out, the Baron looked up and saw that a little boy had been watching his dramatic nervous breakdown while licking a green lollipop. Baron von Swirl sold the ocean to the boy in exchange for his lollipop. All the whales and jellyfish and turtles that he had lost drifted through his mind like liquid ghosts as they made the transaction.

The Baron finished his lollipop, and, with no bins around and not wanting to throw the stick into the ocean, he buried the stick in the sand. He walked along the beach until he suddenly remembered that his father, Baron von Whirlpool, owned the sand, and that he would one day inherit that sand. He ran frantically back to where he had buried the stick, digging up the sand like a dog in search of it, but he couldn't find it. He went on digging into the night, until he was too tired to search any longer. He lay on his back, exhausted, and, looking up at the night sky, he set his sights on the moon.

Reviews

[WestWriter]

For a vivid, strictly essential setting I gave The Ocean full marks. With plenty of conflict and obstacles for our insatiable baron and a reasonable resolution, I gave full marks. The only thing that's missing from this story is character evolution, which I realize may have been intentional, but left me without depth of character, emotional resonance or an unexpected ending. None of these are bad things, however, for a story that is as entertaining as this one. I truly enjoyed reading this tale by groisht, and look forward to more!

- Jess