Home

When you don't belong.

It's been a while since I lost myself to the dark side..

Somedays I have the clarity and strength to accept all that has happened and face the consequences of my actions.

There are other days when it's a mad struggle between the impending darkness and the struggle to find signs of light. There are times I give in and there are times I'm able to pull myself out, but only after it's too late, and then there I sit in the aftermath, wondering how I let it get so out of hand, not wanting to accept my helplessness at the situation. And then there are days that I wish someone would just hold me tight while I sob, completely broken. A voice, a place, a warmth that would make feel like I'm home again. But I have no such place to go it. It's just a cold dark world with gusts of icy winds blowing in which I walk, battered and all alone. No voice to soothe me, no hug to warm me, no place to call my home. 

I feel like an outsider looking in through the window at the world. Warm places, smiles and hugs, kisses, cheers, glasses clinking around tables, dancing, someone to pick them up when they fall, someone to believe in them, someone to wipe away tears. I want to belong, I want something, anything that makes it feel like home. 

Instead, my battered body on the chilly ground, wishing for death with each breath, no strength to move even a finger, until the hope that someone will pick me up fades and my limbs numb so they don't feel so sore anymore that I can slightly move again, enough to drag myself some place so I can clean my wounds myself and wipe the tears off my face.

As I look into the eyes that look back at me through the fogged up mirror, I feel my heart clench as I can feel the sadness in them, no fight in them, just helpless resignation and faded signs of a light that once shined so bright.

No one for me, not even myself, for I had longed drowned to the depths of darkness as it's cold icy fingers clutched tight, curling around my heart as I felt my last breath leave my body as I fought one last time trying to escape to the distant fading light until it was no more in sight.

Will I ever find my home?