Griffinia: Prologue

The beginning of a book I wanted to write, I kind of still want to. It's basically about a guy who manages to get a stone which gives power to a league of Griffin-Riders who protects Laynore

 

Prologue

 

 

 

 

THE FALL OF THE GRIFFIN-RIDERS

 

 

Laynore a country which is attached to earth but, not yet discovered. It is a place which can only be seen if you really want to see it, in other words it can only be reached by your mind. It is a place where all the things that human-kind has put in myths is real. 

Well in Laynore in Mount Henda (which looked like a mountain from afar but was a city!) there lived a man called Lorna. He was a jeweller and on this particular day wasn’t having much business. He stared gloomily at the entrance and hoped that someone would buy something but only one or two people came in now and then to look at the things he had to sell but they bought nothing, then quite suddenly someone who was heavily cloaked rushed in and gave him a stone that was shining mistily in the sun and then the person in a gruff voice said ,keep it” and rushed out. Lorna took the stone from the counter and looked carefully at it ,then for a moment he thought ,why did the person give me this old stone and why did the person give it to me? He went to the back of his shop and began examining the stone. He looked at it through his magnifying glass and looked at it normally but it looked like any old stone.

 He then thought, I wish the business in my shop would go better and then quite suddenly he heard a shuffle of feet and pushing. He stood up peered through the curtain; his shop was bursting with customers. He stepped out of the curtain and stood behind the counter and made ready for the people who were going to buy and positively everybody bought something. At the end of the day his lando (which means money box) was almost going to explode. He had made so much business he could buy a bigger shop and could get tons and tons of crystals and semi-precious stones.                         The next morning Lorna woke up and went for his usual early morning walk. He was looking at some signs when a certain sign caught his eye and on it said;            

 

 

REWARD: 1,000,000,000,000

FOR THE RETURN OF THE STONE OF THE GRIFFIN-

RIDERS

DISCIRPTION:

COPPER COLERED ROUND AND SMOOTH AND SHINES

DIMLEY

IF FOUND RETURN TO PALACE OF THE GRIFFEN-RIDERS

Immediately!

 

 

 And that was it. Lorna looked at the sign again and took the stone out of his pocket. The description on the sign matched the stone he had in his hand at that moment. Lorna grasped the stone in his hand and went on with his walk whistling a tune along the way.  By noon the whole of Mount Henda was buzzing with the talk about the stone of the griffin-riders. The business in Lorna’s shop went a little better than the day before. In the afternoon he was serving someone when he heard two drunken men talking outside his shop, one said to the other “I heard the stone had magical powers but I can’t remember what. Isn’t it wishing”, said the other,” oh yes said the one that spoke first”. Lorna had heard enough this was all he needed to know. The next day Lorna woke up, dressed and closed his shop which on the door said; away because of important business but Lorna didn’t go away for important business instead he went to the ancient scroll library. Lorna into the shoe room and took of the sandals he was wearing and put them into one of the shoe holes on the shoe shelf then he went into the library. Lorna walked into the library and the librarian looked up from what he was doing and stood up and went to Lorna and they both greeted in the Laynoreian fashion (putting your hands together making them into one big fist and then putting your two pinkies up together and do the same with the thumbs and then bowing your head).                

You want to look up the stone don’t you said the librarian, why yes! said Lorna how did you know, Everybody else here wants to research it said the librarian.  

Except that griffin-rider over there over there, he pointed at the far side of the library where there was a man sitting in a chair reading a scroll. He wanted the scroll about the healing herbs of the healing cliffs up north , he paused  a dreamy look in his eyes then he shook himself awake and said, what sort of scroll do you want sir, I want to have a scroll about the powers and weaknesses of the stone said Lorna. The librarian led him to a honeycomb shelf that right at the top on a big sign it said; FACTS; THE STONE. The librarian took some scrolls out for him and suggested that Lorna should read them. During this time Lorna was spying on the griffin-rider and had memorised where he had put the scroll. Almost at the end of the day Lorna had read all the scrolls the librarian had suggested to him and found some scrolls for himself but there was something that bothered him, in one of the scrolls it said;

 

A WARNING

 

Don’t ever use the stone for greed

Otherwise you’ll get what you will need.

 

 

Lorna was puzzled. Why was the warning written in the form of a poem? Was it a prophecy? He wasn’t going to give the stone back to the griffin-riders, not in the least. Lorna wasn’t going to be bothered by this, he had other errands to do, now let me tell you something about Lorna, he was no kind man like you expected, he was a cruel and selfish man and he was planning something, something that the griffin-riders had been dreading from the moment that the stone had been lost. Lorna went to the comb where he knew the scroll that the griffin-rider had been reading was. He took out the scroll and went to the farthest corner of the library where nobody could see him and began to tear up the scroll. When this was done he rubbed his hands together and went to the librarian and asked for some scrolls about griffin-riders but the librarian said, sorry sir we’re closing up but if you want to you can take out a scroll about them and read it at home? ,”Ok,” said Lorna and went up one of the ladders to one of the shelves and looked at some of the scrolls and at last found one. He went down and took it out. The librarian gave him a scroll pipe and Lorna put the scroll in. Lorna was just about to leave the library when the librarian rushed up to him and gave him a slip of paper, “on this peace of paper is the date that you must return the scroll said the librarian, just make sure return it on the right date.”                

The next morning Lorna woke up and opened his shop and took the stone out of his pocket and said, “Let’s try you out, my beauty ball.”

 

 In the afternoon, and in the time in Mount Henda shopkeepers called the gloomy hour, it was a time when it really became hot and people just sun bathed that whole hour that was when Lorna decided to try the stone out he then wished, I wish business went better in my shop, then all the people in Mount Henda thought I think I should go and buy something and they all went to Lorna’s shop (although some of them chose differently) even the emperor of Laynore came out of his palace to buy something. By the end of the day he had sacks and sacks of money and thought, I can’t believe my own eyes and then, all of a sudden the scroll that he had taken out of the library popped into his mind. The scroll he thought suddenly I forgot reading it, my shop is still going to be open for two more planets (the Laynores measured time by the planets, two planets, quarter of an hour, four planets, half an hour etc.) I’ll read it after my shop’s closed. After Lorna had read the scroll he thought about what he had learnt, the scroll had held the strong powers they had and their weaknesses, Lorna hadn’t finished the scroll yet, but he was planning to finish it through.

                

The next morning woke up and took the scroll from his bedside table, his shop wasn’t going to open up till 8 o’ clock and he had woken up at one planet past 6. After he had finished the scroll he put up the same sign he had put up the day before yesterday and went to the library to return the scroll. After he had taken of his sandals Lorna went into the library the librarian sat in his table with his head in his hands when Lorna asked him what the matter was the librarian looked up. The librarians face was completely tear stained and he said” I was cleaning the library after you left I was in the farthest corner of the library when something caught my eye, it was small bits of paper, when I had a closer look I saw that it had letters written in pok (it means ink) the paper looked very old like all the other scrolls in the library, then all of a sudden I realized it’s a scroll it’s a torn up scroll of the library, then I fainted. Today I just woke up and when I opened the library I asked a women going to the market what date it was, when shed told me I realized I’d been unconscious for one whole day. I hurried back to the place where the torn up library scroll was, when I reached it I picked up the library scrolls pieces and went to my desk and began fitting the pieces together, when I had found out what the scroll was I fell down sobbing it was the scroll the griffin-rider had read the day before yesterday. That’s it said the librarian, the scroll that I had found was very precious scroll but its gone now I can’t get a griffin- rider, they’re busy with other stuff. Anyway is it the scroll you wanted to return? Yes, said Lorna. Here you go, I would like to get another scroll, is that possible? Yes, said the librarian, go and get your self one.                          

When Lorna had gotten him-self one he took it out and waited for the return slip when he had gotten the return slip he went and put on his sandals and went home. When he had gotten home he opened his shop and the day went on like any other day. When it was time to close the shop he closed it and went to his bed to read the scroll.

The next morning Lorna woke up, got dressed and put up a sign that said; back in two planets, he was going to return the scroll to the library.      

When he came to the library he went into the shoe room and took of his sandals and went into the library he went to the librarian (who was looking a little better) and returned the scroll. Did you find it interesting? Asked the librarian, yes” said Lorna lazily, it was quite interesting. Do you want another scroll, no said Lorna, I don’t want to read another scroll I’m any way late. Late for what asked the librarian? I needed to open my shop one planet ago but I’m late I have to go Lorna rushed out without even saying hotnata (which means goodbye). Lorna ran, when he got to his shop he was already two planets late. The rest of the day was what a shop keeper in mount Henda would consider a normal day. At the end of that day Lorna got into bed and began to tweak what he called a wonderful plan but what the griffin-riders thought was going to make chaos. The next day was Yangro day (Bad luck day) what you would think would be the (if you’ve figured Lorna’s plan out yet) the perfect time to launch Lorna’s plan but Lorna had plans for tomorrow which was going to be Quong day (Good luck day) the day that Laynore was going to fall into chaos. The next day Lorna was ready he acted normal and calm but inside him excitement was in a fury. He waited till the gloomy hour then he would launch his plan. Four planets past twelve (twelve o’clock was the gloomy hour) the gloomiest time in the gloomy hour Lorna behind his shops counter took the stone out of his pocket and said;

 

 

I wish the emperor of Laynore to die.

 

 

He waited a few minutes then he heard the distant sound of the mourning horn blowing.

 

Four planets later the whole of Laynore knew that the emperor of Laynore had died. This was the perfect time to launch the second part of his plan. Then he said softly to the stone;

 

 

 I wish to become emperor of Laynore.

 

 

He waited a few minutes then he heard the faint whisper of a dragon-riders dragon flying, he looked up he saw the dragon glimmering above him, it moved a little and landed in front of him. The dragon-rider climbed off his dragon and said, “The elders of Mount Henda have decided for you to become emperor of Laynore”. Lorna smiled, his plan was working perfectly. Then the dragon rider offered Lorna a ride to the emperor’s palace. Lorna climbed onto the dragons back, then the dragon-rider got on, then without warning the dragon began to rise. When they’d gotten to the right altitude, the dragon moved forward. Lorna enjoyed the flight to the palace but he could say that he got a little air-sick.       

When they’d the palace they landed on the dragons landing balcony and then went inside the palace. The dragon-rider lead him to a big pine wood door and then reached for the door handle and then opened the door solemnly and quietly then beckoned him inside. After going in the dragon-rider closed the door quietly behind him. Lorna looked around, he was in the emperors private scroll library. Lorna shivered the honey comb shelves made him think he was a bee come to work here forever. At the end of the library he saw a gigantic round pine table around it he saw four figures. He walked towards the table when he got nearer he saw that the figures were extremely old there were three men and one woman. Then it popped into his mind the old people were the elders of Mount Henda! He hurried forward embarrassed because he took so long. Then the woman said, slow down, we’re not impatient people, Lorna slowed down. When he had reached the table he bowed to them, then one of the men stood up and bowed back. Lorna could see that he was the leader of the elders because he was a little more richly dressed and much older. Then the elder said in a solemn and wise voice, I’m Gontina, the leader of the elders of Mount Henda. Then he gestured towards one of the elders, the women and said, this is Lina, and Lina stood up. Then he gestured towards on of the men this is Asanda, and Asanda stood up. Then he gestured towards the last person, a man, and said this is Gortono, and Gortono stood up. After they had all stood up, they all sat down. Then Gontina took a small scroll out of a pocket in his robes Then Gontina said, the emperor of Laynore had no air but, he paused, there is a rule that the first emperor of Laynore established that the last person he ever buys semi-precious stones from inherits the throne of Laynore. Lorna almost burst out laughing, but he managed to stifle it, Lina noticed and she said, it’s no laughing matter Lorna, the first emperor told the first elders that it was serious, not a joke.

Then a creature scuttled onto the table, it was an emot, it looked at Lorna cautiously and scuttled towards him then Lina said in a stern voice, “Zizia come her”! Lorna was surprised, but Lina laughed,” she was going to attack you,” she may seem friendly but she’s very harsh to strangers, then, Lorna noticed, the emot was different from any he’d ever seen, all emot’s had green flippers and light blue spikes but this ones was different, instead it had light blue flippers and green spikes. Lina noticed him staring and said” she’s no ordinary emot she’s one of the last two of her own kind, the male one lives with a poor fisherman at the coast of the desert near the border, I’m the only on who knows about his emot and him. Lorna had been told tales of emots like this but they where mythical creatures that never existed but now, there was one right in front of him. Gontina interrupted “we have to get on with what we where doing” and he took something out of his robes. It was a big round steel ring, Gontina looked at him “this is the crown of the emperor of Laynore” he said, the first emperor of Laynore said that it gave him good thoughts so all of the emperors of Laynore have been wearing the ring but now its yours for the rest of your life. Then Gortono said “kneel Lorna and repeat the words I say” Gortono stood up and came to Lorna and whispered something in his ear and then he took the ring of the table and said “say the oath of the emperor”

 

 

I swear to rule Laynore

In a rule of wisdom

 

I swear to help Laynore

 In times of trouble

And help the ones in

Need

 

 

Then Gortono put the crown of the emperor on Lorna’s head. Lorna had meant what he said but in a way of evil.

 

 

It had been a week sins Lorna had been crowned king and something was troubling him, the griffin-riders were acting suspiciously and Lorna was worried, (wait have I told you that Lorna hated the griffin-riders no? Well now you do well let’s get on with the story) he hated the griffin�"riders and wanted to destroy them but it just wasn’t the right time. Then his thought were interrupted by his guard who announced “leader of the griffin-riders wants to see the king” Lorna sighed people were always wanting to see him and it was dreadfully tiring, “let him in” Lorna sighed and expected to hear the normal complaint but instead he heard “you have the stone don’t you”. Lorna sat bolt upright and then said “well of course I have it and how did you now” we were realising that you were getting everything but not through servants but through something else and we figured out it might be through the stone. With all the amazing feats you have managed we new you had the stone.””, Oh did you now,” said Lorna,” and we ,”said the leader of the griffin-riders,” are not going to allow you to keep it any longer! And now,” he paused for breath,” you are under arrest! Lorna smiled, he new that the griffin riders were clever but sometimes they were just plain stupid then he took out the stone and said:

 

 

I wish for all the griffin riders to die

 

 

 

The leader of the griffin-riders went wide eyed and then a faint breeze went through the room and in that instant the leader just dissolved into dust. At last,” thought Lorna,” Laynore is in my hands!  

 

Author's Note

This was written a long time ago, I know the punctuation is bad, but the plot is what I am more interested in somebody reviewing. I apologise in advance if this makes you want to claw your own eyes out. This is actually a chapter by the way, not a story

Reviews

[Gretchen Clarke]

This is good! I like how you expect him to be this nice old man who would return the stone immediately, but the twist comes, and he wants it for himself. I lol'd at the rule of 'the last person he baught semi-precious stones from would inherit the throne.' This is very good, and I can't wait to see more of it!

[Jasper Bormans]

The idea was that the stone's properties would be explained later in the book. Thank you, your points are noted.

[Nicholas Woode-Smith]

The lore seems to be excellently crafted, interesting and original, but you need to find another way to introduce it to the story. Constant notes and brackets detract from the elegance of the writing. The plot was good, as I have always liked anti-heroes, but I feel that I would enjoy it more in the form of a fill book. You could write at least a novella with this plot line.

Introduce the setting more. Let us get to know Lorna more. Why does he hate Griffin Riders? What are Griffin Riders? What should we know about Laynore? You can easily expand on the setting and create an excellent novel which can be expanded on even more if you are planning on doing what I expect you are doing.

Some more explanation on the cultures, architecture and expansion of the lore you mentioned would be good, as I liked your alternatives to common phrases and objects. An explanation on the workings of the stone would also be welcome.

Last, but not least. I know you told us to ignore the punctuation, but the editing doesn't give the story justice. You stated you wrote this a long time ago, so then you should be able to edit it. It is a good story, but the lack of formatting, combined with spelling, grammar and punctuation woes really detract from the experience. A story needs: a good plot, good lore and good flow. You are on the verge of gaining the first two, but you need to work on the last.

Good luck with turning this into a fill fledged book.