5. Asia

Check already didn’t like the hostel. Well I told him, Hey if you’re so concerned about saving money on this whole thing then we should have been staying in hostels the whole time. It’s not like they were bad or anything. And besides he got a private. And Ginny did too. God what a complainer. Maybe he would have rather gone on another tour. Or actually I know exactly what he wanted to do. He even said Why don’t we just go to Shanghai or whatever. There’s plenty of flights right there and you can be in and out in a couple of days. That’s just like him. In and out. Maybe that’s why he’s not married anymore. Wendy was a nice girl. Small town but nice. But yeah if I had to put up with someone like Check every day then I’d be in and out too. Terrible for making anyone think for a second that they aren’t worth it. The lack of freedom isn’t worth it. Harrison is a mystery to me. He never talked too much about relationships or anything. He never really was in much of one. Last I heard he had something going. Not that it matters. Hey, if you’re happy then more power to you. When Mom died he really became kind of a martyr though. He never had time to be with anyone after that he said. He messaged every once in a while, always so busy. I guess that kind of happens as you get older. You start either doing the things you love or the things you think you love. And he thinks he loves what he does. I’m not so sure though. This whole project that he’s on for instance. He’s always sitting there with that notebook, I don’t even know if he’s writing what actually happened, just what he wants to happen, whatever would make the best story. But on we go. Checking in at the hostel was fine. Obviously Check wasn’t into it, but I had already reserved the private rooms. He said There’s writing on the wall and I was like So what. Ginny laughed. I never see her laugh. Harrison shook his head and said The writers are out to get you. Check snapped like he always does and went into the room. He had another long flight. He gets really antsy on those long flights. Not me anymore. It’s a good time to do some meditating. I’ve done this run so many times that I hardly feel it anymore. But this time was a little bit different. I stayed up and couldn’t really get to sleep. I had to take a sleeping pill and then I was out but I usually never have to do that. A lot on my mind I guess. When we landed it was daytime and it’s always a good idea to try to stay up. I guess that’s why Check was irritable. He said it’s because it’s hot. Well yeah Check of course it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to be so… you right now. It’s Cambodia, relax. And he said Oh yeah perfect place to drop out. I told him it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for him to try something. It’s not like I do. I mean I have, but that was a while ago. Siem Reap is a nice place. So spiritual. But of course he doesn’t get that. Ginny shook her head as we drove from the airport. Africa was much poorer than this. They even have new roads here. If she wants to see bad go inland a bit. Some night drives I have done here have been downright scary. But the only thing she ever says is that we’re so blessed. And they aren’t? That’s what I mean, Ginny just lives such a sheltered life. She’s seeing all this for the first time. But in her mind it just cements in the fact that we’re blessed and they aren’t. She thinks that maybe they need a church here. Well Ginny I have news for you, there are some churches here and what are they doing? Not much, that’s for sure. It’s definitely hot, but I’ve been in hotter for sure. Check didn’t come out of his room for a little while. There was air in this one. It’s a nice hostel. I mean how snobby do you have to be to think that staying in a hostel isn’t OK. I had a drink at the bar. Harrison had one with me. We laughed about growing up. Check and Ginny always seemed way older to us when we were little. Harrison did a funny voice that he always does to make fun of Check and Ginny. But then he started seeming a lot older too. It’s hard to say what makes us different. We just are. Check wasn’t going to come out. He said he didn’t want to walk along the streets here, he was too hot and tired, so we invited Ginny out. We didn’t tell her we were going out on Pub Street. Well I did tell Harrison and Ginny that, but they didn’t know what it was so it seemed like a good idea. My kind of place. Loud. Colorful. This is Cambodia? Harrison said. Ginny didn’t say much. That’s OK. She doesn’t really when she feels like she is out of her comfort zone, which is often. I think it’s good for her. We chose a place outside near the end of the strip there, a little bar that I knew about from my last time here a few years back. I was teaching in Vietnam then, and a few friends and I came out here. The place was still open. Ginny said it was too loud inside. But it was also loud outside. I wasn’t hungry but they both looked at the menu. They got western stuff. Nobody ever wants to experience the culture. I told them that Amok is really good, but both said they wanted to take it easy on the first night. Well sorry but Pub Street is not where you just take it easy I said and laughed. I got us a round of beers and we talked. We had been talking a lot recently. It was nice. I had never talked to Ginny that much, even growing up. She doesn’t drink much, so she was still hadn’t had any when I ordered Harrison and I another round of beers. He said, Angkor? They can name a beer that? I guess so. He’s always making a lot of weird observations like that. Not totally relatable, but maybe that’s why he’s so smart. He always has some connection in his head. He’s won a couple of awards. He shows me whenever he wins them and the articles are pretty good. Some political things. We had the next beer and Ginny was getting uncomfortable. The air was uncomfortable, hot, hard to breathe in the night air. Smoke pouring from the barfronts mingled with mist from large cooling fans. People like fish swimming, one going upstream at odd intervals. Lights, neon, yes this is where I like to go. Ginny was fanning herself and she got a glass of water to go with her beer, the foam still lacing the top of the golden full glass and I said You should cool down a bit and she took another sip and grimaced. She was shouting she said over the noise This reminds me of college and I laughed and Harrison smiled and I thought But you didn’t even finish college. I was still young when Ginny was in college and I asked her if she had ever gone to any parties and she smirked for a Moment and she said The Moose Saloon, that’s where we would always go and Harrison said Why didn’t you ever tell us about the Moose Saloon and she said Hmm I wonder why. She said It always smelled like beer and the only decorations were neon beer signs and I had a boyfriend then and I said Really? And she said Oh yeah and every Thursday night we would go to the Moose Saloon and dance and the dance floor there was just this small thing and Oh it was a different time then but how about you? You must have partied a little bit in college and I said Right. A little bit. But it wasn’t the small dark places like the Moose Saloon it was places like this with lights and people and smoke in the air and music pounding and hands up and free and then finding a guy. Finding our way back home in the dark, armbands still tied to our wrists, leaving when the sun came up and going for it again and just the feeling of freedom on each of those wild nights like anything was possible like you could just meet anyone and the whole world was at your fingertips. Yes that was my scene and that was my time. I said But not Harrison over here, his favorite hangout was the library womp womp. And he said Come on I had plenty of fun in college and I said Every time I came over it was always an early night. And he said Well not for you but I had my fair share of fun. I cut in and said Oh right fun at the bar across the street from your dorm. He said Right don’t knock it, and I said True plenty of shy professor types there. Ginny was still uncomfortable, even though she was leaned in trying to be a part of the conversation and she said Well how about now, you guys must have some sort of love life going on. I said Well not exactly still just finding my way but Mr. Harry over here has a couple of leads don’t you? And he said No not really and I pushed a little a bit and said You never told me what happened between you and what’s his name, Samuel and he shot me a look and Ginny looked up and cocked her head and after a Moment passed I realized I had made a mistake. The sandwiches came, Western food interpreted by backroom Cambodian chefs and they ate some bites of their sandwiches and I ordered another round. Ginny had a little bit more and Ginny said Yes alright well I think we have an early morning tomorrow don’t we? And Harrison was still quiet and he was searching for the words and he finally just said Yep let’s go back to the hostel it’s just around the corner I’ll walk you guys back. And we paid and got up out of the chair and Ginny was fanning herself and there were more and more people and we stepped down onto the street and into the stream and started making our way to the hostel following each other, keyed in on the appearance of the backs of each others’ heads and we were all just following Harrison up and out through that crowd, the music coming dissonant from all sides and Ginny was behind him and finally we turned off of a side street and he asked Is everyone alright? Ginny said I have gay friends too and Harrison just said Right it’s OK and he shook it off and we walked quietly to the hostel, the bass pounding down the main drag now parallel to us, fading away into the night air so thick it was tangible. The hostel door was open and it was cool inside. Ginny hadn’t complained about the hostel room, the private I had reserved - one for her and one for Check and one for Harrison. She didn’t complain much ever. And sometimes that’s good and sometimes that’s bad. Goodnight guys she said with a half smile, half sad and turned away into the dark room and closed the door with a click and we saw the outline of the door brighten up and he said Yep not how I pictured that happening and turned back rubbing his hair in the way that he sometimes does when he is thinking, the same as when he was young and the same as when I visited him in college and the same as when we got the news from the lawyers back in the States and how to follow through on this plan that we have gotten ourselves waist-deep into. I said It could have been so much worse you know. She could have freaked out and disowned you and abandoned this whole thing and he said Ginny? Please. And he laughed and I said You want to dance it off? And he said Do I what? And we burst out laughing, I don’t know how we did. And he said No, no dancing ever for the last time. And we opened the door back into the heat and the humidity of the Southeast Asian night. It was near midnight and the sounds were still flowing out. And he looked up at the stars and said Some winter they have here huh. We strolled back to Pub Street past a lot of little carts selling shots and souvenir stands and meat on a stick and there were still so many people inside the bars out on the street milling around on the sidewalk and he said How are there this many people here where are we? And I turned around with two shots in hand and said this is my place! And we took them, tilting our heads back seeing the stars in the sky mingling with the streetlamps and the flashing lights in the sides of our vision and swallowed hard and cheersed just like in college which was so long ago and we were different people and now we were older and closed our eyes and felt it burn all the way down our throats and I said Let’s go again and Harrison sighed and we cheersed and once again glasses in the air, the music now louder, our past selves closer to our current selves and who could have believed then that this is where we would be after all these years in this place in this situation. Harrison held his hand up and said F**k I have to tell them now how did I not tell anyone. I said It’s not a big deal. And he said How did I not tell Mom and Dad? How did I not tell Check? I could see a large weight bearing down on him and he put his hands on his knees and he said Oh God and this was like some sort of secret that I didn’t understand. I just knew for a long time. He said I go through so much to make myself not appear that way you know I’m a professional I’m not flamboyant I wear normal clothes I can’t dance I just never wanted anyone to see me as someone I’m not and I said You can be whoever you want to be. I have always looked up to you no matter what. He said I don’t know how to do this. I never have. I said just let it go, it’s done and he said For you and I said Yes and I asked What can I do to make it right and He said just help me out and I said of course and I turned and handed him another shot and we took it and I howled into the sky. He shook his head but he was smiling and slurred I’m counting on you you know I always have and I said Yes. And now there there fewer people but still so many and so many doors and lights and suddenly we were back in the hostel and we knocked on Check’s private room door laughing and laughing. He opened the door shirtless and angry and we hiccupped our way into the room. He said You’re drunk and I said You’re Chester and we laughed again. Harrison got a drink of water from the tap and sat down on his couch. Soon he was passed out on the couch. Chester said Well that’s great. I said Well you’re on my turf now baby and he said Get your s**t together and I said it’s more together than you’ll ever know. Damn right this is my turf and we are doing it big here. He sat on the bed and shook his head. And I sat down on the bed next to him and said Jesus lighten up you’re always so serious. He said Well someone has to be. Is this what you do with your life? I said No I have fun with my life I live my life and I am damn good at it. And he said you call this being good at life? You are succeeding at life? And I said Well who do you think you are? He asked if I had savings in the bank and I said Have you ever lived a day in your life? He said Grow up and we were right back to where we always were. He didn’t get it. What are you saving all that money for I said. And he said, in case I have to come clean up your s**t. But I already do. Harrison was still passed out on the couch. What the hell did you do? He asked and I said I didn’t do anything. And he said I can see that. I said Check you know I’m smart. He said I know you’re smart, why don’t you do anything with those smarts. And I said Well you’re looking at it mister. He said I know. I said I got you here and he said Yeah you got us here. And I closed the door and went to the dorm. I always feel better in the dorms - more people makes me feel safer for some reason. I knew the others wouldn’t want the dorms but for some reason I prefer it. That’s why I chose the private rooms for them. This was a nice hostel for sure. I smiled and put my head on the pillow and fell asleep hard.

 

            -

 

The next morning was not pleasant of course but really not as bad as I thought it would be either. They had a good breakfast at the hostel like they usually do. Check was up already checking his emails. He says that everything happens overnight here so he had to get up early and catch up. Just be in the Moment I told him and he told me when I have a real job I would understand. I shrugged him off this time and got back down to my toast. I asked how Harrison was doing and Check said he was still sleeping in his private room. What a mess you made he said. And I said I didn’t make a mess he makes his own decisions. He said You drag us all the way out here to god forsaken Cambodia of all places and then go out and party instead of doing what we actually came here to do, typical. I just said, well the others are having a good time and this isn’t just another task for me. Just live a little. He said I don’t know how Dad put up with you and I said well I loved Dad and he loved each of us differently. Check put his head back into his computer and said Eat your toast. He can’t just have a normal conversation with me can he. I decided to take a walk and clear my mind of a bit. It was already hot but there was some music coming from some nearby building. Check probably couldn’t stand it either. Ginny was writing in her room. Harrison fell asleep. What a night. What a city! It’s so real here. I mean Pub Street is your typical Southeast Asia westerny place but you go a couple streets away from it and you’re right in the thick of things again. I found a river and walked along it. There were a couple of little kids playing in the middle of the river. One girl would jump in and kind of run-shuffle her way through the shallows and get a reed from the middle of the stream and then wade back out, still looking like she was running the whole way. Kids have just such a funny way of moving of acting of being in the world. I wonder how my kiddos are doing. Some people say that English teaching isn’t real teaching but I’ve made a connection to every kid that I’ve taught. It’s kind of like this gift that I have and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. I feel so lucky. What is it now - Thailand, Korea, China, Taiwan, Dubai, Vietnam - in many ways Asia feels like my comfort zone now. So much to see and do over here. So spiritual. And I wouldn’t have it any other way you know. Some people go their whole lives without seeing anything outside of their own county. And when someone drags them kicking and screaming into the light then it’s interesting to see how they react to it. Childhood. So innocent. Look at these kids. They could sit here and play in the river all day. And I sat on a bench and watched the kids play in the river, jumping out into the river over and over again, rhythmic and repetitive and the sun was beating down on my face and then sweat forming in big beads on my forehead and streaming down my face and then I remember reading Love the whole world as a mother loves her child. Over and over again I watched and they ran out into the river out and back and it was so hot and I got up Have a pure heart and a pure mind I thought and I waded into the water and I remember wading into a stream as kids and then the water seeped into my shoes and I remember playing in the rain just a small child and my pants were soaked at the ankles, water soaking me higher and higher up my pant leg. Be at peace my mind says come further and further and I am waist deep in the water and the girl is pulling my shirt and looking up and her eyes say What are you doing? I have to get back to the hostel. I wade up out of the water my pants dripping down, trapped water flowing down over my feet trailing behind me everywhere I go and some adults nearby are yelling and saying something and I say No It’s OK, and I walk down the road and I need to drink some water but it is only bars and souvenir stands and the market endless and I am in it surrounded by noise and color and I sit on the ground and say No sorry I don’t want any I need my medicine and there is water on the ground and water on me and I get up and crawl down the aisle and I am back on the street saying The hostel I have to get back to the hostel now. And I found it there is the door and I trip on the stairs walking into the building and I hold the wall spinning and I say It’s OK and I sit on my bed, pants still wet and open my bag and find the bottle of pills sitting in the front of the bag and I swallow them without water my mouth like sandpaper and lie down on the wet spot widening from my pants. Check stands in the door and he says Yep this is what I thought. I raised my hand for him to wait but he was already out of the door and I couldn’t get up yet, I just had to sit in my damp spot with my head on the cool sheets for just a moment to let the effects sink in. Perfect, this is just what I need I thought, Check thinking that I’m some sort of drug addict. But there’s not much I can do at this point. It’s been this way for a little while and every once in a while more often than I would like I slip and make a mistake and things get a little crazy. And I was having this conversation in my head with Check for a minute trying to think about how I would explain it to him and I eventually just lifted myself out of the bed in the cool darkness of the room and I had to put on a sweater even though it was pretty warm outside because the air conditioning was on inside and made my damp body feel cold and clammy so the sweater left over from the cold Christmas in Tromso did just the trick. And I walked out into the lobby and he wasn’t there and I knocked on his door and he came to the door and cracked it open and he said Oh great what do you want and I said just come out here a second and he said I’m looking after Harrison he’s not feeling too great still obviously after the night you had last night. I said Alright well I’ll be waiting out here if you feel like it. And I went into the lobby and sat on one of the big couches they had set up in the middle of the room, looking out over a porch outside in the heat, a couple of backpackers with their feet hanging over the sides of hammocks swaying just slightly in the airless air outside. I thought of what I was going to say and then he was out in the lobby and he walked over to me and sat on the couch and he said OK what. And I asked him Do you know how it feels to have no control? And he said Don’t be giving me any excuses here, I’m no druggie like you, I don’t get into losing control. And I hesitated for a minute and I said No like really not having control and not because of something you did but because it was how you were born. And he said What in the world are you talking about. And I said Sometimes I lose control of myself for a little bit. Like it feels like I’m on a train and it won’t stop even though everything is passing by like a blur and if I don’t catch it at just the right time then it will keep going on and on and derail. Like I physically don’t know what I’m doing. And when I take this pill it just works, my brain that is, and things slow down a little bit and I can catch the Moment when it comes if I take it every day. Sometimes I miss it like if I sleep in or drink a bit too much. I’m sorry that you had to see me when I missed it but I’m glad I caught it and I’m glad you know. Check sat there and he stared out the window at the people on the hammock. He said You’re shitting me. I said Mom and Dad must not have told you because I told them not to tell anyone. It’s been happening just as long as I can remember and at first people thought I was a bit weird just a bit flighty and I told Mom and Dad like I can’t stop doing it when it starts and it felt scary. And one day I went outside just looking at something in the distance in the old fields outside the old house and luckily Mom was there watching me and I decided I had to go out there into the fields and I just started running like I knew maybe it wasn’t a great idea but I had to like I couldn’t stop and it was getting ready to storm outside and it looked stormy but I felt like I needed to just just just run to get out and I ran out into the wind in the fields and I jumped as far as I could with a running start once and again and again and by this time I was far out and Mom was running after me and there were things in the air if I remember correctly and Mom caught up to me and held me down and the wind was howling and she put her arms around me and said Stop stop honey shh and the sound blended with the sound of the wind in in the grass and I said Shh and I didn’t stop I couldn’t stop like my mind was the wind and rushing by like a train just like I said. That day we didn’t go to the doctor but we did soon after that. And I’ve had to take this medicine to calm myself down each day or else I just go. Certain things calm me down, like being in a place like this, like meditation, like certain touchstones and I don’t know if you will accept it but I just want to say I’m sorry for doing it on our trip here and I hope you understand. I didn’t mean for you to have to get involved or for this to make you think like I’m some flunkie but I’m not. You know there was a time when we just looked up to you. He asked What do you mean. I said Of course we looked up to you. You were a star in our eyes, like not just a big brother but like a big big brother you know what I mean You always just seemed so so big, and not just size-wise, like you knew everything and you could do anything and we tried to set challenges for you and we said to each other there’s no way he will be able to do this and you just did it easily, no problem. He said Come on you were just kids. And I said But don’t you see it was just so much more than that. We just wanted to be you. He said Well Sorry to let you down but I was just as normal as the next person. And I said When did that happen. When did you lose the hope that everything was possible. He asked How do you still have it, why do you still have it, get smart. I said We are doing it We’re doing big things and we are doing it together don’t you see, isn’t that the point of this whole thing to do something big together. Anyway I just wanted to say sorry. He said OK I get it but just get your s**t together. Last night you guys were just old fashioned out of control. I nodded and smiled. It’s insane that you actually got us out here to this place he said. I said Don’t you mean to this hellhole, seems like you had some choice words for places like this before. And he said Well we’ll see. I haven’t really seen much of it yet. When Harrison gets up, if he gets up, we’ll see if we can have a look at this place. Supposed to be pretty nice isn’t it? And I said Something like that, yes. He got up and went into his darkened room. I looked out of the window at the hostel and it still looked hotter than anything outside. After a minute Harrison came out of Check’s room rubbing his temples. His hair stuck up on one side and I laughed at him. The image of straight-laced Harrison, hair stuck to the side, hung over, in Cambodia. This was rare. I told him so and he rolled his eyes and went down the hall. He said down the hall I need a cold shower. And disappeared into his private room, still made up from the night before. It seemed like a good time to get moving on what we came here to do, and we had limited time to make use of so I needed to act fast if we were going to spread Dad’s ashes somewhere interesting out here. I went to the front desk and asked the guy there to call in a tuk-tuk to take us out to the ruins. He made a call and said that it were already waiting outside. We weren’t ready but the man said No rush and looked back to his computer. I told Ginny in her private room and Check in his and I thought that this would all be much easier if we were all just staying in the same dorm room together.  I held Dad’s ashes in the sad little box, just as I had before we drove out to see the Northern Lights in Norway and it felt similar but the opposite and it felt like now we were traveling smoothly somehow, like we had gotten to the top of a big hill and were riding along the ridge and things were about to start moving along much more easily. I rubbed the top of the box and felt somewhere in my soul like it was going to be a good day. They trickled out of their rooms, last of all Harrison and we went out into the hot midday sun to ride on a rickety tuk-tuk out to Angkor Wat. The tuk-tuk held all four of us, two on one side facing the other two and it was pulled by a sad looking motorcycle driven by a smiling man named Mr. Leap. When we got in the tuk-tuk the whole thing sagged a little bit and our knees touched each other all of us sweating and Harrison looking pale. He put his head on one of the metal poles on the side of the tuk-tuk holding up the canopy over our heads with tassels hanging off the sides. Ginny asked Is this safe? Check asked the driver Is that your real name? And Mr. Leap didn’t answer and simply said We go. And he spat on the ground and revved the engine and the whole think jerked and lurched forward out of the hostel’s driveway and out onto the road and I really had to hang on to the box of ashes or else I might have lost them. I kept one hand on the box, cradling it against my body, and one hand around the pole holding up the cloth roof of the tuk tuk as the driver swerved and yelled at some people walking slowly in the road and waved his arms and Harrison groaned and Check asked Does he have his hands on the wheel? And Ginny had her eyes closed and I laughed a little bit but I held on more tightly than ever each time Mr. Leap looked back and smiled at us. Check asked What have you gotten us in to and Would it have killed you to get us a real car? And I said But this is so much more fun. And soon we were out of the city and the air was suddenly a little bit more comfortable because it was coming in sideways and although it was still warm it was at least moving. Shade came down over the road for the first time and we passed a sign that announced that we were entering the monument zone. The wind was whipping my hair around but it felt good and I felt good and safe I said Let’s lay it out on the table. I think we’ve kept these secrets for too long from each other. I think that we all have something that we don’t know about each other and you all know what mine is now, and I think that Check just learned. Yes I’m on meds but I’m not a psycho, it just takes a bit for things to get going for me you know and sometimes I miss it I’m not perfect but there it is. Who’s next? Check said Is this the best time to be doing this? I said When else? And he said Maybe when we are standing on solid ground if we ever get there. Mr. Leap turned back around and smiled and we were still driving forwards and Ginny said I wish he wouldn’t do that and when he turned back around to face the road he said It is Angkor Wat and suddenly the crowds started growing again and there were people laying on blankets by the road and food stalls and market stalls and our tuk-tuk slowed to a crawl and finally stopped in the middle of a large crowd where we couldn’t progress any further. Mr. Leap said It is there and gestured toward the crowd and all of them were walking vaguely toward a big stone structure just beyond the glare of the sun. He said I will find you and suddenly we were standing in the crowd and I was holding on to the box and Mr. Leap was gone and Check said He’ll find us huh. I think you just got us gypped. I said Let’s go and I started walking with the crowd. A big square moat surrounded the stone structure and algae was growing inside deep from under the water and it coated the water like it hadn’t moved in years like it was jello but black and the crowds stood gelatinous on the bridge across it too all of us jammed going one way or another and barely moving across it because of all the people and it seemed like we would never make it across but somehow we moved across it and found an empty space on the other side just below a monstrous stone gate scrawled with carvings and Check said Good god and Harrison stood to the side with his hands on his knees trying to get a breath and I thought he was going to heave but then he stood up and put his hand in the air and said I’m good. And we all went up into the big stone gate and it was finally cool inside and I looked down the stone hallway and the carvings seemed like they were dancing and in my vision they actually danced. Apsara that’s what they were called. I had a statue of one on my dresser and I gave one to Dad one time because it reminded me of Mom and Dad and I dancing in the kitchen to music laughing and smiling but these figures didn’t laugh they just smiled. I ran my hands across the carvings and it seemed like a million other people had also it was so smooth. And I had an idea to open the box of ashes and spread some right here in this corridor, this place where I had the feeling of dancing the feeling of peace and I opened the box and I took just a little bit out and I put it in my hand and closed the box discreetly and I ran my hand across the carvings again feeling the moves of the dancing apsaras across my hands and leaving a slight trace of ashes forever in this corridor. I caught back up to the others and we left the corridor back into the intense heat of the Cambodian afternoon. And there ahead of us standing tall in the sun surrounded by green palms and so many people were the massive central towers of Angkor Wat brownish in the light and Check said Isn’t that something and Ginny said It looks just like the Jungle Book and Harrison squinted ahead and put his hand to his face above his eyes to shield it from the sun and we all stood there looking at these ancient buildings standing on the old smooth stones and small pool reflected it all upside down just ahead. We went down to the still small pool of water where the reflection was visible and I said How’s this for a spot and Check said It seems like a pretty good place and he took the box gently and opened it and threw some of the ashes into the pond where they floated on top of the water for a second before being absorbed into the reflection of the sky and the buildings and the trees. Then Ginny did the same thing and she spread them a little bit further and she said Some people are looking at us and they were but it seemed OK and it seemed right to be standing here putting these ashes into this pool of water and even though it didn’t go anywhere and even though the pool of water was so small and still and murky it seemed like the ashes were dissipating right into the sky and into another world where everything was the same but went on slightly distorted infinitely in the other direction. And Harrison was looking a little bit rough but he quickly did the same thing and then walked away toward a palm tree standing alone by the pond. He put his back on the palm tree and slowly lowered himself down to the ground. I took a small amount out since I had already spread some ashes in the corridor before entering the main part of the complex, but I took them out and rubbed them between my fingers and sprinkled them out into the water and I could barely see them dissolve into the reflection of the complex and then I closed the box. We followed Harrison over to the tree he was sitting under on the ground and I said Are you alright and he said I just need a minute. The spot had a view of the monuments and of the reflecting pool where now a part of our Dad had disappeared and he said This is a pretty good place isn’t it. And I nodded and he said Hot though. And Check and Ginny sat down in the shade for a minute too and we all looked out over the old ruins together, not really saying anything and taking the whole place in. I put the box of ashes on the floor and I said So while we are all here is there anything you need to tell us? Harrison said This is one of the sickest days of my life. And I said no Harrison I said you need to tell us a secret. That means something we don’t know. He rolled his eyes and he said Well I guess it’s pretty much out there so let’s get on the same page. Ginny said You mean the guy thing. Harrison laughed and he said The guy thing? If by that you mean that I’m gay I guess you could call it that then. Ginny said Being gay is totally OK you could have told us at any time. Harrison said But that’s just the thing I don’t want what I do to be totally OK. Ginny said So you think it’s a negative thing. He said I don’t want it to be a thing at all. That’s the issue. It’s not a positive or negative thing it just is. That’s one of the reasons I couldn’t wait to get out and move to Boston. In Boston it’s not a thing if I’m gay or not. It’s a non-factor. I’m not defined by it. Back home it’s not just the people saying that gay people are going to hell or that I shouldn’t be able to get married or have rights and believe me that’s part of it. But it’s also the people who do the opposite. When I am shopping in the grocery store I don’t want people to say I have a gay friend and it’s totally OK and I support you one hundred percent. Harrison shook his head and made a face. I just want to live my life like a normal person, like who I choose to date or spend my time with is a non-factor. I don’t want people to have an opinion about me, at least not about that aspect of me. Ginny said I had no idea you felt like that. She said Did Dad know? Did Mom? Harrison said No they didn’t what do you think I mean I just told you didn’t I. And I said Well maybe they do now. And he closed his eyes and put the back of his head against the palm tree that he was leaning on and he said Yes I guess so. He wiped his eyes and said Let’s see the rest of this thing. And Check put his hand and Harrison took it and Check lifted him up off the ground and we walked further into the complex along a raised stone pathway towards the massive door in the center of the perfectly symmetrical complex. Once again inside it was cool and the air didn’t feel stagnant but rich and the walls danced with carvings. There were empty pools where I could tell some water stood but it had all dried up now and there were stairs leading down into the pools and I sat on the steps and looked down the symmetrical hallways while the others wandered around. I closed my eyes and tried to feel the soul of the place and felt a slight breeze on my face along with the heat of a beam of sunlight and a slight whiff of smoke and I knew that there were spirits in the place with me and I felt a tap on my shoulder and opened my eyes and there was a small girl sitting next to me. She smiled at me and said Candy and opened her hand. I said I’m sorry I don’t have any but she just smiled and looked out into the empty water tank below us the same as me and said OK and then got up and ran down the corridor to some other person. I stood up and found where the others were walking and Check said This place kind of gives me the creeps and I said Alright let’s head back. Back down the steps out of the main central structure back down the raised stone platform back past the pond where we spread Dad’s ashes in the reflection of the old ruins and back through the outer walls where I spread Dad’s ashes in the carvings and where I ran my hand across the wall again to feel the dancing and back over the moat and back through the crowd of people all bottlenecked on the bridge and into the large but less dense crowd outside of the complex where Mr. Leap was somehow waiting for us exactly in the place where we walked, gesturing back to the tuk-tuk which was already running. He said Next is Bayon. Check said There’s more? And I said Well technically there’s hundreds of monuments here it’s a huge site and besides our ticket gets us in all of them so why not. And Check said Well if we paid for it. And we already were moving along the road past the crowds and back at a faster pace. Harrison said I don’t know I think I might sit this one out. And Ginny said In this heat I think you’re better off coming in where at least it’s cool and Harrison groaned a little bit and Check laughed at him and said That a boy. The tuk tuk stopped in a small gravel parking lot and Mr. Leap once again mysteriously said You go. I will find you. And when we all got out he drove away. Check said What a guy and when he looked around he said So this is the next one huh, more like ruins huh. Ginny said Look closer and she pointed up to the temple which looked like a pile of rocks at first glance but when we came a little bit closer we could make out dozens of faces looking in all directions and there were people wandering the grounds at different levels and carvings in all the stones all of them precariously placed atop one another. We all crept closer to the gate which was also in ruins, not actually an entrance to anything but a massive stone gate framing a massive stone terrace. Check and Harrison walked around it and Ginny and I walked through it and we were on the grounds and I looked up at all the faces and they looked off into the distance in all different directions. Weird Check said and Harrison said I need some shade and he walked over to the central portion of the ruins and we followed him in and the corridor was narrow and moss grew in the shady corners of the ruins and Harrison sat in a shaded spot where he could find one and put his head in his hands and we all sat around him and he said I’m alright I’m alright. Check rubbed him on the back and said This is a good spot you found. And he waited a beat and looked up and he said You know. He stopped. He said You know. He stopped. He said I’m not good at this kind of thing. I didn’t actually leave Wendy Check said. Wendy left me. The faces on the stones around us looked content. Ginny was not content. Harrison picked his head up and turned to Check. I smiled at Check and put my hand on his shoulder. I just lost it there after Mom died. I snapped at Wendy and she was right to leave. I needed time alone but I didn’t know how to do it. I threw a lot of money away and and and. Ginny said But Check we all looked up to you. You were always so strong. He shook his head and he started and stopped. I never asked to be anyone’s hero Check said finally. It wasn’t my job. But why did you tell us that you left her asked Harrison. Check said Why do you think? Now are we going to see this pile of rocks or what. And I said That doesn’t answer the question. Check if you needed help you could have just asked one of us. Check said Ask one of you hah. Harrison and Hale you guys were still in college you went right back to school when Mom died and Ginny you always get stressed out over the smallest thing and this was a big thing right after another big event I just thought I needed to look like I had some control needed to feel like I had some control and I think it was a way to get that. He said Let’s go to the top of this thing. Harrison said I’m just going to stay here for a minute I have a killer headache. And Check said I think it will be better to get some air up there. And Harrison said It’s cool down here don’t worry just come get me when you’re ready. And Check got up and I and Ginny followed him up to the top up a steep set of wooden stairs built on the side of the rocks and when we got there Check looked out into the forests around the ruins and all around us were the faces looking into the distance carved in stone and content and I tried to make the same face and I looked over and Check was making the face without trying and I said Feels good doesn’t it Check. And he said What. And I said Thanks for sharing that. It makes this leg of the trip special you know. I just want this trip to be special. To take advantage of all of us together. And he put his arm around me on purpose for the first time in a long time and he said You’re not so bad Hale you know that. And I said You are strong Check. And I know it seems like I nag you sometimes but it’s because I care. We’re here for you no matter where we are in the world we are here for you. And he made the face again and patted me on the shoulder and said OK. And Ginny was taking some pictures in the ruins and when we passed together she winked at me. We went and found Harrison back inside the ruins and he got up and said Alright feeling a bit better now. The air cool and thick now. The evening coming. Still humid. But we walked out from the front of the temple and Mr. Leap was there again amazingly. Right where we were walking. How does he do it asked Harrison and we got in and we went back to the center of Siem Reap while the sun set over the forest big and orange like a planet too close to the earth turning all the rocks and trees and ruins and cars and people into forms on the horizon just silhouettes in contrast to the bright evening sky and when we left the monument zone the whole town was bathed in a soft blue while the lights of the city turned on little by little and by the time we reached the hostel in the center of town already the crowd had grown loud and packed together on and around Pub Street. Check said Who’s up for an adventure and we all groaned and said No especially Harrison who said You’re trying to kill me. And I said How about a pizza and we all ate pizza in the lobby of the hostel, all of us sitting on the old hostel couches with the heat and noise of the Southeast Asian night outside and the box of ashes diagonal on the table atop a stack of magazines.

 

            -

 

Morning in Cambodia. The sound of heat like ten thousand insects screaming into the sun. A jackhammer slams into the pavement at some distance from the darkened dorm room. Music lilts in through a window cracked open, the voice high and sweet, softly seeping through the curtains hanging still in the air. I open my eyes and lay still for a Moment, feeling the cool inside air on my body and I tilt my head toward the window and think for a brief Moment Go go outside. I got up and stumbled toward the door toward the bathroom, the shared stalls still dim in the morning light. A shower running at the end of the bathroom, the walls wet with a layer of steam rising from whoever it was on the other side. I sit on the toilet and put my head in my ands and I have a vision of the faces of Bayon looking out at me and I lookup and see the steam rising, patterns in the vapor like a sign from beyond and I got up and looked out the window and there was nobody on the street and I heard in my head Go go outside and I looked back and Check was in the hallway looking toward the lobby and he called out You’re up early. I shook my head and said Morning and went into the dorm room and rifled through my bag and shook out my pill for the day and swallowed it without water, my throat still dry and I got up and went back out into the lobby and sat in front of the window again and closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the morning and waited for my mind to wake up. Things quieted down just like they usually do and things stopped moving and I got up again and got some hot water from a counter in the lobby and put a bag of tea in it and sat back on the couch. Check came back out of his private room and he said Those shared bathrooms truthfully haven’t been that bad but man someone made it bad this morning. I laughed and said well yeah that’s the downside of it. And he looked out the window and he said This place isn’t so bad. I said Tea? And he said No Thanks and we looked out the window together at the growing crowd of people on the street just past the awning. Ginny came out and got some tea also and sat with us and she said Good Morning and I said Yes and patted the couch next to me. She asked Did you all hear from Harrison? And Check said Looks like he survived and he should be out in a little bit. And the scene wasn’t totally quiet but it was peaceful while we waited for Harrison to come out. When he did he sat and exhaled loudly and said What a trip. Ginny said Ready to head back after this one. It feels like we have been on the road forever here. Harrison said Three trips in one. Three continents, five in all already. I looked down and waited for a minute. And I said I thought we could go to a local temple today before our flight tonight. It could be a laid back way to spend the day and wrap up this leg of the journey. Want to come with? And Ginny said I would like that and Check said Why not and Harrison said It could be a good end to my article. And I said Oh right your articles. Harrison said I’ve had a lot of good material from this leg. Not many people go to 3 continents in 2 weeks. Ginny said I am really looking forward to reading them when they come out. And then she hesitated for a minute and said Are you putting stuff about us in these articles? Harrison said I mean I link what I can to the overall story but it’s partially a travel article and mostly about where we spread the ashes and what it was like there, like more descriptive. Ginny took a sip of tea and she said So you’re not going to put in any of the really personal stuff. And Harrison said I’m not really sure what you mean. And said Well you guys have been sharing a lot and I have been thinking a lot and I think it’s time that I stopped holding on to something of my own. And she said I mean it’s something I think about all the time and I used to think it wasn’t a big thing or that you guys wouldn’t care or that it well I guess I thought that well I don’t know why and it’s something that Vick only kind of knows and it’s something that I never told Dad or Mom or really anyone else except kind of Vick and well OK. She took a breath and said Remember how I told you about the Moose Saloon Hale remember Harrison? And I laughed and said yeah you used to go to a bar when you were in college. And then she said OK well one night at the Moose Saloon I was fixing my makeup in the bathroom and well I was in there and someone came into the bathroom and and I saw it out of the corner of my eye and I felt like something was wrong and dropped my makeup in the sink and I looked over finally and it was this guy Doug that I was with at the time and I said Doug what are you and he put his hand on my waist and I pushed him off I mean it wasn’t that big of a thing at first. We were at the bar and he was a bit tipsy. We hadn’t well we hadn’t been together and he said Let’s do it and put his hand on my waist and I said Doug not here and he said Let’s do it and kissed me and at first I laughed and pushed him off and I said we’ll talk about it later and he said We’ll talk about it now and I said Doug stop now and He said Come on and then put his arms around me and he was sweating and laughing and I said I don’t want to do this right now Doug and he said Come over here and he pulled me into a stall and locked the door and he had his hands on me and I don’t I don’t know what happened what happened next for a minute but I could feel the sweat on his body and on his hands and I just kept on trying to get the lock on the stall undone and his breath was on my face and my body and his hands were in my shirt and it was it was it was just the worst and finally I got the lock undone and opened the stall and there was another person in the bathroom there and she screamed and I walked out of there really fast and I walked out of the bar and I didn’t notice that my bra was still unclasped and was kind of hanging out of my shirt a little bit and when I opened the door of the bar to the outside a few more people were coming in and they laughed and I tried to cover myself up and walk away and I went around the the back of the bar and tried to get my stuff together and it was cold but I just walked back to my room and I cried and cried and the following day I didn’t go to class and then I didn’t go to class the next day and the next and my friends were all asking me what was going on and I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it. And finally I just called up Mom and Dad and they picked me up and I said to them I didn’t want to do it anymore that I needed a break. And they said are you sure and I said yes just for a little bit. And here I am. Check said who is this guy I’ll kill him. And Ginny said It was a long time ago. I don’t even know if I could tell you anything about him anymore. And Harrison said I had no idea. And Check was tearing up a little bit and I said Oh Ginny I’m so sorry I had no idea. And she I know this is the first time. And I said some things make more sense to me now. And Ginny said Things are OK now really, but it’s something that I’ve thought about a lot. And I’m so lucky for Vick. He would never do anything like that and he’s so good with the kids. A jackhammer pounded on the street somewhere outside. I looked around the room the clock said that an hour had passed. We were all quiet and Check said Well does anyone else have some life changing secret for us? And we all laughed a little bit. And I looked at Ginny and she wasn’t crying. She was smiling and looking out the window and she said You know I think going to that temple would be a good idea. And I said OK and we got up and went out into the heat all of us together. The temple was in the center of town and already the streets were crowded and people were already drinking out on Pub Street and the sounds of the hawkers and vendors came from all around as we passed the market and finally we turned a corner and there it was, a massive temple, red and yellow with gold trim, the walls high and white and bright in the sun and we started walking around the walls looking for the gate and when we found it we took off our shoes and stepped on the warm marble floor surrounding the sanctuary. The sun was intense and I said alright come on in guys here we are. And we stood there inside the gate looking at this massive complex, not like the old ruins we saw the day before but this one was newer and painted. I have one more secret I said. I don’t know how I’m going to do this I said. Ginny said Well that’s OK we are all just dealing with this in our own way. You can talk to me or us about anything. I said I know thanks but I mean in a different way. I’m out of money guys. I’ve already used up all my credit and I can’t get any more. There’s no more money left guys. I can’t do this. There was silence. It was hot and the sun seemed like it was inches away from my face. We stood facing the temple red and yellow like a shadeless glowing mountain just ahead of us and radiating heat. Check said You know it’s a tall order, I think all of us are pretty much tapped out especially having the most expensive leg coming up here. Harrison said yeah the Antarctica portion has put me pretty deep into the red and I don’t have a stable job as is. Ginny said I can’t ask Vick to give any more we have the kids to look after. Check said Yep I don’t see what we’re going to do here. I squinted and tried to peer inside the temple ahead of us and it looked black on the inside but I saw a glimmer of yellow, a sequined cape draped around the Buddha hidden just inside the niche. Harrison said I’ll talk to my guys and maybe we can get an advance, maybe we can put out an ad to ask for help. Check said We can’t ask people for help on this and who’s going to want to fund our trip anyway. It’s a tall order. The trip is already booked and if we cancel we won’t be able to get on again for another year, it’s booked up. Maybe we can just go just the three of us. Harrison reminded him It’s got to be all of us he said. Ginny said Well we’re at a temple maybe someone will hear us out. I walked up to the temple and Ginny followed close behind me. She said I promised you if you came with me into the church then I’d follow you in one of these places. We walked in and there was a thin layer of smoke in the air visible around the thick stone windows and the rays of the sun shone in at right angles the beams visible through the dust and the smoke and the heat and it should have been much cooler but I was still sweating and I walked up towards the altar where there were dozens of little Buddha statues each of them facing out and all their hands were in different positions. It was quiet and hot in the temple and one person was kneeling beside me on the floor and his forehead was on the floor. A candle was lit and it flickered below the large Buddha sitting in the middle, its big stone eyes staring blankly at the door behind us. It was dark mostly with only the rays of light pouring in as though they were solid. Ginny said What do we do in here. I thought about it and I looked around and I looked at the Buddhas and I looked at the people in the temple. I put my hands up like one of the Buddhas on the altar. It felt a little bit odd but it also felt a little bit right. Ginny put her hand on me from behind me and I closed my eyes and listened to the air all around me and I felt a soft squeeze on my shoulder and I waited.

Reviews

[Richard Knox]

I liked how this chapter moved the story and the character arches ahead. The sharing of secrets was nicely handled, and I felt empathy for all of them. Harrison’s description of how he wanted being gay to not be an issue rang true, but I would have expected him to be more emotional about it, more frustrated by it. I didn’t get that. I also think I lost Hale’s voice partway through the chapter. In the previous chapter her voice came through clear and consistent. In this one, the narration didn’t always sound like her, especially when it became more chaotic. Perhaps that’s intentional on your part, and will be resolved later. I’m still very invested in these characters and their stories.

[Greg Herb]

Thanks so much for your open and honest feedback! I'll put those thoughts in my notes for editing for sure. Didn't mean for her to lose her voice partway through so I will have to check on that. Also, I definitely want Harrison to be a bit more frustrated. I will have a brainstorm on that for sure! Glad to hear you are enjoying the story and that it makes sense throughout at least haha