4. Europe

I’m not an idiot, you know. I’m a teacher, and it takes a lot to do something like that, especially in some of the places that I’ve been. Over 40 countries now. And I think that’s kind of like a job in itself. Not the sightseeing, but sort of. But really, I go to a place, not knowing the language, and just make friends there. It’s not too easy figuring out things like the store and where to go, but sometimes I just trust myself. Trust my soul, trust that everything will be alright. And it usually is. And it usually is for my kids too. I think they really like me. That takes a lot of skill. They say I could have done anything after college, and I thought about it a lot. I still do. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I went to school to be a lawyer or whatever and then I just get bored. But I really think - no I know in my heart - I’ve learned so much more about myself than most people do. I think you can really see that in Ginny, that lack of awareness, but I’m so glad that she’s been able to get out of her shell a little bit and see that the world isn’t such a scary place. Sometimes she even smiles. I would love for her to have some sort of spiritual experience here. It’s just one of those things that I think is just essential to having a good fulfilled life. She could take that back home with her. She is so dependent on Vick and she feels like a weight from being around those boys all the time. Don’t get me wrong I love the boys too, but sometimes you just need to have your own thing, like be your own person and I think that Ginny never got that. Harrison kind of got that. We are definitely the closest, not just because we are twins or whatever. He says we don’t have a special bond, but one time I went to a healer and he said that there was. I know there is something to that. But I think he has that kind of free spirit in him somewhere. He moved out after all. He just feels too much responsibility to other people. Check is kind of the opposite. He is tied down but he doesn’t feel any responsibility to anyone at all. But now this is my kind of travel. If they want to see a little bit of how I live then they got it. I’m not an idiot you know. I knew this was going to be a Christmas to remember. Who would have thought last year that all of us would be together up here in the top of the world for the holidays? We hadn’t even all been together for Christmas since Mom died. Of course the circumstances were not great. But maybe it would turn out to be pretty great. I felt like I had a breakthrough in Africa. Some things were just meant to be. Ginny thought she saw Dad as a spirit, and sometimes these things are right. I felt him too. Way up here with all of us. She wanted to hang on to those things too tightly though. That’s one thing that Check has got right. They’re just things. The best Christmas of all? Growing up. Hot chocolate mug in my hands. Harrison on the floor looking up at the tree. Snow outside. Together. This was not the best Christmas of all. But together. Landing in Tromso. It was a long flight from Kenya. Another Check Moment. He said Why didn’t we just go somewhere easy. We could have gone to the Eiffel Tower, the Colosseum, Big Ben. Plenty of landmarks in Europe. But I wanted a spiritual experience. This is my kind of travel. Why go anywhere if you aren’t going to go all the way? I wasn’t doing this just to complete the goal as quickly as possible. I wanted to do it right. I always wanted to see the Northern Lights. When I told Mom about it she smiled. She would have wanted to see them too. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Mom’s favorite holiday song. Through the years we all will be together. I think that’s the line she really liked. If the fates allow. Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. They were playing it on the airplane speakers. A smile on my face. I looked over and Ginny was smiling too. Nairobi - Dubai - Frankfurt - Oslo - Tromso. Every connection brings us closer. And then we were there. In the darkness. The terminal was blindingly light. It was 3pm and pitch black outside and snowy. Picked up our bags and Check wasn’t saying anything. Ginny said It’s so dark and Harrison explained why. We get a taxi straight to our hotel, all of us together crammed in one car. I am in the middle back and Harrison is on my left and Ginny on my right and Check is in the front. Growing up we had a van. 4 kids is a lot. And they weren’t expecting twins on the last one. We were close to Mom’s birthday. Best present she ever got she said. Our hotel was small but expensive. I like hostels but the hostels here were almost the same price as hotels and everyone said forget it. Next time we will stay in the hostel. There are private rooms anyway for the others. I opened the curtains and it was black outside. Snow on the streets. It was 3:30 pm and pitch black and I had never seen anything like this. It was the day before the day before Christmas. Christmas Eve Eve we used to joke, and the next day we would try to go to see the Northern Lights. That was the point of being there. They say it’s a spiritual thing. Like very good for the soul. 3 days: the 23rd, Christmas Eve and Christmas and then on to the next thing. I would love to backpack across Europe again, this time from way up here. Then just hitchhike on the way down. The last time it was Amsterdam and Brussels and Munich and Prague and Vienna and then into Rome. Epic trip and an unforgettable one. That was in my 20s and it still feels like yesterday. It felt like a big deal. It was a big deal. I can do things on my own. I can do things by myself. I always do. I am an independent person. ENFP. Out to see the world and don’t try to stop me. I have seen beautiful things and I have seen dangerous things and I will never stop. But the others want to stop. It feels so late Ginny said and she went to her room. Check said Call me for breakfast. I put my things in the room. A small rectangular box. It was modern. TV in the front of the room. A mirror. I looked in it. I looked outside. Darkness. Threw my bag on the bed and threw myself on the other bed. I looked up at the ceiling. I thought Dad, I can’t believe you put this together. This is so crazy. So unlike anything I would ever think you might do. Well maybe if there was Mom also. She would have dragged your a*s out of the house and run away and you would have just followed and had a smile on your face saying well OK baby you lead the way. It was hard wasn’t it? Well it was hard for all of us, but you changed Dad. No more of the corny jokes. No more of the shrugging shoulders. No more of the whim trips to wherever. It felt like two losses that day - Mom and Dad both in the same day. When I came back I always wanted to see you how I remembered you. But it was always a wave of your hand and saying Oh no you go ahead and I tried to bring you back some things always trying to get you up out of the chair because I thought it was what Mom would have wanted for you and for us and I’d point on the map of the places I’d been and you’d just say Oh that’s great honey and you didn’t respond because maybe just maybe you didn’t know how but that’s what I wanted for you, just to understand. I went back downstairs to have a drink. Harrison was there, on his laptop, typing. I pushed down his screen and he looked up with an annoyed look. I said Let’s go out, let’s check out the town. He said Come on I have things to do but he had the look that said OK let’s go. I said We’re on top of the world, it’s almost Christmas and you want to work? And he said Yes I want to work, this story is important. And I said You have all night. We haven’t hung out in ages. And he put his laptop in his bag and put on his jacket and said OK let’s go. Hurried. Now another task on his agenda. I asked Don’t you want another coat? And he said It didn’t feel too bad coming in from the airport. And I said Well OK and put my arm in his and pushed open the circular door and we were outside and he was right. It was surprisingly not bad outside on the dark snowy street. All the lights were on in all the buildings around. We walked down the street and turned a corner and we were on the small main street of Tromso. What a weird place said Harrison. A modern town with a small town square. A big Christmas tree in the middle of the square. Mom and Dad’s tree was always grand. We had our own box of ornaments. Then the tinsel. Then the fire. Mom would turn all the lights in the house off and just leave the tree lights on. It was just the fire and the tree lights. My favorite things about Christmas. When I grew up I lost religion but I never lost Christmas. My apartment is always decorated even in the craziest places. My kids all know what Christmas is like. Harrison asked me What happened to Christmas. I said Dad put up that fake tree and not everyone was there all the time. Ginny mostly stayed at Vick’s and besides you sometimes work on Christmas anyway. He said I call in, send gifts, but we just got older. I said I called in too. Stayed up til the middle of the night to call in, and Dad would always say They have Christmas there? And I joked and said yeah but it’s already over, it’s tomorrow. It’s always so hot in Asia on Christmas. There’s nothing like a snowy Christmas. There was a huge pile of snow off the square and I turned and fell backwards onto it. It was harder than I thought. I laughed and Harrison laughed. But I grabbed snow and threw it at him. And he said No don’t and I think he never really liked snow fights but we all thought it was hilarious to throw it at him anyway. He said Come on and brushed it off and I got up and brushed it off of him too and he brushed it off of me. And we laughed. We walked back around to a street behind the square and ducked into a café. Cappuccino or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate I think. I ordered it and set it down on the table. Dark outside. Dim inside. A dollop of whipped cream on the top of our hot chocolates, topped with some nutmeg. Christmas in the old house. I held it with two hands. Feeling the warmth creep back in my hands. Harrison was rigid, cold. I said I told you get a coat. And he smiled and shook his head. When did you become the mothering type he asked. He held the hot chocolate with two hands too and slowly loosened up. Candles on the tables. Lights in the windows. Christmas, my favorite. Any romantic gossip? I asked him. Jesus, he said, and smirked, No, no time. And I asked What happened to that guy Samuel. And he said We broke up I think. You think, I said. He shook his head. I don’t know, and now this. There’s always a project a new angle a new story and bigger and better and more productive and there are deadlines you know. And I asked Well OK when do you make time for you? And he said I get out there every once in a while. Nothing serious though. And I said Well yeah I get that. But I liked Samuel I said, I mean from what I’ve seen of him I said. A sip of hot chocolate. A chance to slow down. It was too hot and it burned my tongue. That move where you hold the hot chocolate in the front of your mouth and suck in a little bit of air. Harrison laughed. You always go too fast he shook his head. And I say This is too good and yours will be too cold by the time you even start. And he said Well at least I’ll be able to taste it. The burning sensation stayed on my tongue. Let it snow let it snow let it snow. I was humming it out loud. Harrison sang it softly too. As long as you love me so, Let it snow let it snow let it snow. I laughed. He said Mom would have loved this, the idea of it, ridiculous, on top of the world in some random place, singing Christmas songs. I took another sip, chocolatey and warm and perfect this time. I asked Do you think that Mom put Dad up to this? And he asked What do you mean. I said This obviously took some planning. He didn’t just set this whole thing up on a whim this is totally a Mom move. He said What, to force us all to go to all these places? I said Remember they were going to travel the country. They were going to sell the house and drive across the country. He asked They were? And I was caught off guard. Yeah I said Didn’t Mom ever tell you about that? And he said No I don’t think so. And Dad never mentioned it either. Ginny always thought we shouldn’t have moved him to the White House he said. I don’t know, after Mom died he didn’t have any more big ideas. I think he was up for whatever at that point. Lost. So that’s why I thought maybe Mom had something to do with this. And he said Well yeah maybe you’re right and he took another sip of hot chocolate. Mom would have hated for everything to be this sad on Christmas. I said let’s get up and dance. And Harrison said there isn’t even any music. And I sang Oh the weather outside is frightful and he pulled me down and laughed and said What are you doing. We finished our hot chocolates and went back outside. And I said you know we’re going to have to find you a special friend to keep you warm way up here in the snow and he said You had better not do anything, they don’t know yet. And I said who has to know and he said Alright alright let’s get back to the hotel. Garlands were hung up across the main street from one building to another across the way. In the middle were big lights, a candle, holly leaves, a star, a bell, patterned this way down the street all the way up until the end. There were a few people out milling around but things were closing up. It was early. I guessed there was a restaurant in the hotel but everyone was asleep when I got in there. Harrison said good night. I got another drink in the lobby, looking out at the dim decorations flashing in the dark. It must have been Mom I thought and I looked up and I smiled. She told me specifically that when they were retired they were going to sell the house and the things and buy an RV and go to all the places that they had ever wanted to go - Miami Beach, Yosemite, Crater Lake, Banff, Alaska, Mexico, all the way down to Central America as far as they could drive. They could go wherever, whenever they wanted. Life wasn’t just for spending in one place. The quote The world is a book and those who don’t travel only read one page. They just had to get their stuff in order and when that retirement hit they would have been off. I asked if Dad was on board and she said he was on board with anything. They were good together. He and she were a good team. I don’t remember many fights. No not really. It was like she always had the big ideas and he would sort out the logistics later. And when she went, so did the big ideas. And all that were left were the logistics of day to day life. He retired early, soon after Mom died and they were so close, and after that Check broke up with his wife. There seemed to be more stuff to handle then. It was hard to get around. He stopped going out. That’s when we got the White House. I think she got a lot of the stuff back. I took some things too, but nothing important. The Guanyin - Buddha of mercy. A couple of pictures. The stuff of a house is the memories we have, not the stuff itself. Living minimally, not as much stuff to keep track of. But for Ginny the things are the memories. When they go, I guess the whole memory goes with them. And she always cries the hardest when we spread the ashes out into the water, into the land, into the air, the memories of Dad not blending back into the earth but disappearing forever into the void as if the water and the earth and the air aren’t also inside of us and we a part of them. Mom has a grave and when she was lowered into the ground it felt cold, like why is she trapped in a cold box underground? I think she would have rather been free, but you can’t visit ashes, and Ginny was faithful about visiting that grave, and she took Dad out there all the time, out near that old house, and she would drive by it each time also, wishing it was different, wishing that Mom was still there and that we were still there and that we all lived together in that house and that we never got older and all these impossible wishes just keeping her going and in her mind the thinking about it made it real in a way. But look around you, don’t you see Mom in other places that are more warm and happy than that grave in the country? Don’t you see her in the springtime when her favorite flower comes up for the first time, the same flowers we used to pick in the field out back and put in small jars on the kitchen counter? Don’t you hear Mom singing It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year whenever you hear it played somewhere and think about that swaying dance she had. Don’t you feel Mom under the blanket when you are sick and curl up inside. No you don’t get that from a grave, from driving out to the old house. It’s in our daily lives and it’s the memories that keep her with us, not the jars themselves, or the Christmas CD or the blanket from when we were little. All of them are just things. And especially all of Dad’s things were just things. I finished off my drink and went upstairs and looked out the window again, dark again. I guessed everyone was asleep and so I went to sleep too. And in my dream I saw Dad again and he was sitting next to me on an airplane and the airplane was shaking and I knew it was OK because he told me it was going to be and then he laid his head back and I looked the other way and then he was gone and the plane went up and down and suddenly I was outside of the plane and falling falling and I fell into the snow, unpacked, fluffy and I knew it was him that saved me and as the snow fell softly around me I knew that was him too.

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15 hours later and it was still dark outside. How did I sleep 15 hours I thought? And I rubbed my eyes. It was the same outside as it was before. The snow drifted slowly down into more piles on the ground. Everything was white and dark. Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas Eve I thought. The room was odorless. Remembered the smell of Christmas Eve. Cookies baking in the oven. Cinnamon sticks. When left on its own for too long my mind is subject to flights of fancy. I need someone I can talk to. I need I need I need a something need to pick up a gift that’s it. Downstairs. Down the stairs I need steps I don’t need the elevator. Here is the lobby. Sleigh Ride, the instrumental version. Crack the whip. I love to dance. I move closer to the door and it looks dark outside. I would love to see the stars. Is it night or day? The lobby doesn’t smell like any thing. I move to the door. A hot chocolate would be nice. Mom’s hot chocolate. A circular door. A man says Ma’am you need a jacket? I’m not Ma’am and I am standing outside in my pajamas. Giddyup giddyup giddyup it’s grand, just holding your hand. Look up, the sky is dark navy blue. A trace of snow is falling. Breathe. Looking forward to snow fall on Christmas. We have to finish this. Have to find a present to open on Christmas Eve. Down the street and I turn the corner and everything is dark. Still tired so I sit down. Snow angels in the snow. Mom and Dad make the biggest ones, then each of us, down the line. Dad took a picture, first of us laying down, then one of each of the snow angels, then one family portrait. Angels in the snow. I make one here. These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives. Shouting in the street. Ginny running with a man. Vick? No it’s another man. My clothes are wet. I stand up and Ginny puts a jacket on me. Suddenly it’s very cold and wet. She asked What are you doing out here so early in the morning it’s freezing out here. I said It’s Christmas Eve. She said Yes it is. She said Thank you to the man and put her arm around me and out a blanket around me. We were walking back and the air was crisp and cold and dark. The lights of the lobby bright and harsh, not the street lights but a white light and I sit wet in the hard leather chair and shiver. Ginny said The clerk called me and said you were going out in the snow. I said What’s wrong with that and she said Look at you. Now there was water dripping on the floor and I got up and said I need to get something. I forgot my pill that’s what it was. And I ran up the stairs, the hallway cold and concrete and my wet feet now becoming more numb and I got to my door 3440 and it was locked and I went back downstairs and said I forgot my key. Ginny was still sitting down there now she was drinking a coffee she said Slow down is everything alright and I said I’ll just be a minute. And I asked the clerk I need a key and he gave me one and I was back up the stairs cold so cold and slid the key into the slot once no twice. And I got inside it was dark and odorless. My bag. It was on the bed and I fumbled through the bag and found it. Shook the bottle two times and went to the bathroom and filled up a glass of water and downed one. My mouth was dry and I was shivering and shaking. I turned on the shower, hot and steam filled the bathroom and I got in and I let the water soak into my hair and gather around my feet and I looked down and I was still wearing my pajamas. I took them off and threw them in the sink and sat in the shower and let the hot water warm me up. Calm. It starts as a tingle in the back of my head and then rushes to my fingertips. The feeling returns to my limbs and I am ready for the day. I washed my face, just soap, and put some in my hair and lather it in, feeling sticky instead of foamy, and then I rinsed it out, taking deep breaths in and out and in and out and the steam opened up my sinuses and I was ready for the day. My feet were still cold and I put socks on before anything else, slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweater and, hair still wet, I took my key card and headed back downstairs. Ginny was writing letters in her chair and it was barely starting to get light outside. She asked Is everything OK. I said Yes I’m sorry, I must have not taken my pill last night and then slept later than normal and she said Oh I didn’t know you took pills and I said I dreamed about Dad last night. She said Me too and she shook her head and said I dream about him most nights. I said Oh and she said I just miss him you know and I said I know I miss him too. She said I wish we just knew sooner and I said Well you know some people say that everything happens at exactly the right time. And she wiped a tear from her eye and she showed me in her writing that she had written almost the same thing that God is always right on time and His plans for you are good. She said It’s just hard to think that we will never see him again and I asked But don’t we and she said You know I guess you’re right everything is just so different this year. It’s Mom and Dad gone and I am on the other side of the world away from the kids and Vick and it’s Christmas Eve and what are we doing over here? And I said Listen because it was I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. And she laughed and I asked Are you thinking about what I’m thinking about and she said Dad cooking in that stupid Santa hat and dancing to this song and I said Yep and we laughed. He would sip a sip of soup tasting it right at the Chris part of May all your Christmases be white. That was so long ago she said. What happened to us she asked. And I asked what do you mean and she said I had no idea you were taking pills like I didn’t know anything was wrong I could have helped if you had just told me and I said It’s been a long time I’ve had a bit of a crazy brain for a little while but everything is fine it’s always fine. We sat in silence for just a Moment, the sky outside still dark and the lobby slightly cold and the space between us just a little bit smaller and Ginny said to me You know you used to be so small you know things just used to be so small and I said But the world is so big and the life is just too big to stay small forever. Hale, she said, If you just lived a little bit closer to home you know we could just help you out so much more and we could help each other out so much more. I remember when you were just a little kid. Moms baby girl right? I remember it was one of those days where Mom and Dad kept the lights off in the house and slept in and said You enjoy that summer out there the days are too long to go to waste and we would play outside but on this day no it started to rain and I didn’t want us to get our clothes dirty so we came inside and you just wanted to play out in the grass all day and I said no let’s do something inside let’s play house and what happened we took down some of the plates and the bowls and the silverware and the tablecloths from the drawers and the cabinets in the dining room and then you said oh we need one more thing like always Mom and Dad would have that sparkling grape juice like champagne only we didn’t know it then haha but you said yes we need glasses for grape juice and climbed up on the kitchen counter and reached up high always reaching up high and grabbed the glass and brought it down and the glass came down alright it shattered on the countertop and you were just sitting there stunned like you didn’t know what happened and I was so amazed in that moment and I asked What did you do and you didn’t say anything just looked around and I said Hale we need to get you down you are going to get hurt and there was glass everywhere on the counter on the ground but somehow you had made it through with no cuts no nothing just you in your nearly white clothes standing there looking down from the countertop just like an angel and I said Hale you need to come down be careful and you put your hand down on the counter to come down and as you came down there was a tiny piece of glass just the smallest piece and then it came the red just a little bit like a smudge on the counter and you looked at it and I said oh Hale you’re bleeding and you started to cry. I picked you up and brought you up to the bathroom crying and I was crying and said don’t worry we’re going to fix it like something on you was broken and we opened the bathroom cabinet and pulled out like this first aid kit that Mom had in there and it was the first time I had ever done anything like this but it was just what you were supposed to do I thought and I took those little tweezers and we looked under the bathroom light and there were tears coming down and just still that trickle of blood coming down and I saw it shining and it was there inside you inside your hand and I said OK this is going to sting a little bit like I was a nurse in the doctor’s office and you shook your head yes and I said OK take a deep breath and tweezed it out my hand shaking and your hand bloody and I look it out it was the smallest little sliver like almost nothing at all and your hand kept bleeding there by the sink dropping in little drops on the white sink and I said again you know I know just what to do and I took out the bottle of iodine and I knew how to open the cap, the press-down child-safe cap, and said hold still and poured the whole bottle of iodine on that little cut. Silence again for a little bit. She was smiling. I said My hand was brown for the whole day after that, maybe more. Ginny said I just wish I could keep you safe now. And I looked up and I said Ginny you don’t need to keep me safe. I’m not that little kid anymore. I have my own life my own dreams. I can pull out my own glass. Ginny said Yes but at least I would know. At least you would be close. At least you would be in a place in a position in a situation that I could understand. Let me understand. Let me in. Let us be a family again. And I said we never stopped being a family and I said You know what let’s take a walk. The sun is coming up a little bit. And we looked outside and the sky had turned from dark to a lighter shade of blue like the Moment after the dawn but before the sunrise everything still covered in that early morning haze but the forms in the surrounding areas visible. She said yeah I could use a little bit of a coffee and I said I need a little something to eat with that pill, especially after sleeping for so long. And we both went upstairs and got some warmer clothes and I dried my hair for a Moment and I came back down and she looked up and stood up and said I could have sworn you were Mom just right there just in this light. And I smiled and said let’s go and out we went into the eternal dawn streets of the Arctic midday. Snow on the mountains all around and black water in the harbor and I said you know it doesn’t feel so bad out. Even though everything was covered in snow and ice but the air was calm and even some birds were circling out over the water. And we got a coffee and walked up the street and saw the church on the hill on the other side of town the spires modern like a kid’s drawing of a snowy mountain, all triangles. Ginny said let’s go into the church and I said oh come on it’s been a while and Ginny said just humor me for a minute and we laughed and she said Remember Christmas Eve services that grandma and grandpa made us go to? And we walked up to the doors of the church all glass both stained and clear and my mind was clear and yes I remembered Christmas Eve midnight mass with grandma and grandpa that church smelling strongly like incense the first time I had ever smelled it it smelled like something was on fire and I said Put it out and Dad just said shhh listen and put his hand around me. It seemed so much bigger then and I looked up and saw the altar all covered in candles and holly and the people going by down the aisle in robes and the singing O Come All Ye Faithful joyful and triumphant and grandpa’s loud singing booming through that church and I thought OK well where are all the presents. And they turned all the lights out in the church and everyone sang Silent Night by candlelight and it was like a trance like a meditation and in that Moment even in my youth and looking out and seeing all the people and all the candles and the smoke rising up from the candles and I knew that those prayers were all going somewhere. I looked at the high beamed ceiling in the Arctic cathedral and light was coming down through the stained glass onto the ground below and there were red and blue and yellow spots on the floor and on Ginny and she was looking up and she was saying a prayer too in that Moment and I said Who are you praying for and she said All of us and I just said Thank you. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. We stood there the two of us, Ginny looking down at the candles and I looking up at the light and I put my arm around Ginny and she put her head on my shoulder and we turned around, quiet as children and we walked down the aisle of the church and left back out into the cold winter air. It was finally light outside and Ginny said Merry Christmas Eve and I said Yep. We walked back with our eyes to the harbor to the town of Tromso across the bridge. She said I’m glad I finally got you back in a church. I laughed and said well next up how about I get you to come into a temple so you can see what I see and she said OK that’s a deal. Maybe then she would know she would understand what it is that draws me out and away to do the things that I do. I think she’s right in some ways. If I reach out more then maybe she would see that whenever I’m out even when I am far away then there is still something there like an invisible thread running through all our memories connecting us connecting the lights inside us like so many Christmas lights flashing on and on and on across the distance, any distance, even when the light is out then it still comes back you just need to know how to follow the patterns. When we arrived back at the hotel Harrison was in the lobby drinking a coffee and Check was reading a newspaper and he asked Well what’s the plan boss? We had two chances at the Northern Lights. Tonight we would take the bus tour and on Christmas night we would take a private car that I hired to drive us from the center of town and chase down the lights and he said Well what do we do in the meantime? And Ginny said Well there’s a beautiful church across the harbor that we just came back form and Check looked shocked he said You got her to step foot inside of a church? How is she holding up? And I said She’s holding up just fine and he said Well I’ll be and Harrison laughed and typed on his laptop, still not saying all that much writing away, removed like he usually is, the eternal observer looking from the outside in catching the things that we missed. He said You know if we want to get something to eat then we had better get a move on. He said I read that on Christmas Even things close a little bit early. And so we all went out into the dim Arctic day, the sun never rising above the snow-covered mountains and searched for a place to eat. The only thing we could find was a lone hot dog vendor in the main square of town and we asked Do you speak English? And the man said Yes Merry Christmas, and we asked him if anything would be open today and he said No I don’t think so. Where is everyone? Check asked and he looked around. Christmas is a family holiday the man said and we asked him Where is your family? And he said This town is my family and smiled and we took our hotdogs and walked past and he said God Jul. The storefronts were all darkened and the streetlights were already turning on and it was hardly past noon and we could already tell that the sun was edging its way back down into the dark but we sat out on a bench and watched the people pass by and bit into our hotdogs, already slightly cool, and I said Christmas is a family holiday and we all sat and finished the hotdogs on the bench in that cold cloudy afternoon air. And at that Moment a gust of wind blew past us and a flurry of snow appeared.

-

Night fell again on Tromso quickly. Silent night holy night all is calm all is bright. It was calm but cloudy. We were hoping for brightness to stick around, to see the stars in the night sky so we could catch a glimpse of the Northern Nights. Check said We had better see these lights or else coming all of this way for nothing? Hah. Have it your way. He is always so cynical, as though he almost wants this to fail. As though he almost wants me to fail. Is there a connection there? Probably. Definitely. Family is family I guess and if we have to do this together then that’s just the way it will be. The cold was incredible. Even with no breeze. Even at the beginning of the night. Even with a full stomach and a large hot chocolate and a shot of whiskey to warm things up. We met the bus at a hotel near the town center and from there we could see the boats in the harbor. All is calm. But there are clouds gathering in the sky to the west. It was a large bus. I felt disappointed. I was thinking this wasn’t going to be so touristy, but here we were climbing into a big coach ready to try to track down the lights. Were we going to just look at them outside of the bus windows? I was trying not to get disappointed before the tour even began. It’s not usually my thing, these tours. But after the safari I thought it could be good. Nice work on that one Ginny I thought. She was bundled up in a lot of clothes and blankets. She had the most luggage of anyone and at the airport even Harrison said You need all those bags? But now she looked the warmest of all of us after carrying all those bags. Tricky to travel to 2 hot places and a super cold place in the middle. We have 2 shots. One on the bus and another the next day.  I sat down with the box of ashes on my lap. I was prepared, and at the first sign of seeing the lights I said that would be the place. The box was light and didn’t feel like anything on my lap, especially though the big jacket that I brought, and sunk into, trying to get warm while the bus doors remained open. The people just kept coming on the bus. Check sat behind us and tried to get a couple of seats to himself. Harrison too. But then more people came into the bus and they had to sit together. It was completely full and then a blonde woman came on and said Hallo are you ready? And everyone on the bus said Yes and so she said Let’s go. The doors on the bus closed and it was instantly warmer. The woman pointed out various sights outside of the window. The town center, the cathedral, the mountain looming large over the edge of the town. It was all the things that we had already seen, but we were soon outside of the town and it was completely black, save for the stripes running down the middle of the black pavement. The woman said Remember there are no guarantees to see any of the lights, especially on a cloudy night such as tonight. Check said Oh great so we’re just driving out into the cold in the middle of nowhere for no reason. He put his head on the glass. Ginny said Maybe the views will be good. Check said Do you see anything outside the window here? The windows were fogging up from the breathing of all the people inside of the bus. The woman said OK well we will get out here at our first lookout point and see what we can see. The bus doors opened and a blast of chilled air ran through the cabin of the bus. We all shuddered and got up and shuffled outside. There was snow on the ground, all of it flattened, and there were wheel marks too. Lights were twinkling on the other side of a vast lake or harbor or river - a large black body of water. But other than that nothing. A hill covered in pine trees rose behind us. The woman said We will wait here for the clouds to clear and then we will go to our next lookout position. Her Norwegian accent sounded so jolly, even though all of us, all 60 of us from the bus, standing out in the cold, looking out at spots on the black horizon. Mountains rose around us, just their outlines visible against the black cloudy sky. An expanse of black, hopeless, this night. This wasn’t the visit I envisioned. This wasn’t what Dad deserved, this black void here on the northern edge of the world, so far removed from everything. I regretted it. And then I regretted it more when Check said Well this is really something isn’t it. He shuffled back toward the bus and then we all shuffled back toward the bus and the jolly blonde Norwegian woman got back on and said OK well like I said we will try at all of our designated lookouts this evening but sometimes the lights are just a little bit shy. I also put my head on the glass, and I felt the cold spread from my forehead, outward across my face and down my neck. I watched as my breath made a large wet spot on the window next to me, and I tried to make sense of the massive forms looming all around the bus as we drove into the black Christmas Eve night. Drives from the town back into the country. Beckett’s restaurant on main street, leaving into the cold winter air and driving back into the country, quietly, back to our old and creaking house. Back to my little bed on the second floor. I had a ledge by the window and I would set my head on it when the radiator got too hot, drawing hearts on the glass where my breath made a spot on the window. Santa Claus is Coming To Town. Be good for goodness sake. I smiled. I would wake up to presents the next morning, and I hoped for snow. On Christmas Eve I drew snowflakes, and again and again, using my breath to try to make the flakes faster and faster, trying to get as many on the window before the others would disappear, evaporating back into the warmth of our home. I opened my eyes again, forehead cold on the bus window, and it was snowing heavily. Ginny was asleep next to me, and Check and Harrison were looking at their phones in the seats across the aisle. The view out of the front of the bus was like going through a tunnel, gobs of snow blurring against each other, and then smearing across the wide windshield of the bus. Most of the passengers in the bus were asleep. It felt like it was three in the morning, but it wasn’t even eleven yet. The blonde woman turned on the lights in the cabin of the bus and said that we would try in one other lookout, but that the chances were not very good. When we stopped, half of the people didn’t get out of the bus. I walked to the far end of the lookout, but now even the black had faded into a vast grayness and even the forms, once visible all around like watchmen in the night had disappeared. There would be no northern lights on this night. When I got back into the bus, I sat back in my seat and put the box of ashes back on my lap. Sorry sorry sorry I said. I just wanted this to be a special moment for you for us for Mom. Sorry I wanted to make up for time and distance and make a memory that would overwrite all the others and now it’s half over already and I hoped it would clear up on the next day. It was no longer in my hands. Ginny patted me on the shoulder and said It was a nice Christmas Eve drive, and she went to sleep in the bus again as we wound our way back through the gray snowdrift, slower than when we came. I ran my hand across the top of the box of ashes. When we got it it seemed so small. So much person in such a little box I thought. But each time we spread some of the ashes around and the box felt lighter, the size seemed to grow, as though the simple act of placing the ashes outside of the box made the overall mass greater than it really was. I wanted so badly to get more of the ashes outside of the box, here on the top of the world, and I closed my eyes and hoped in my spirit that we would find the right time the next day, on Christmas night. The bus parked back in the same place that we left, by the harbor in front of a hotel looking out over the water which now was choppy and the chunks of snow falling on the surface of the water stayed there and it looked like slush churning over and over again among the boats in the darkened harbor. I put my hand over the box and draped my scarf over it and hurried back to our own hotel back on the other side of the square. When we got inside, we stamped the snow off by the door as the snow turned to water on our clothes. The bar was closed and only one sole clerk stood wiping down the front desk. He looked up and smiled and looked back down and continued wiping down the desk. Check said Well goodnight guys. See you on Christmas. Let’s see if we don’t sleep the whole day through this time. Ginny and Harrison also said goodnight and better luck next time and we’ll see them don’t worry. But I just had this image of what this trip could have been, and I wanted the others to feel that connection to experience the magic of travel to see what I see in a new place and of course this was a gamble of course but it was a worthwhile one and really the only thing I wanted for Christmas this year the one thing I wanted was to see the others get a little of that magic, to understand just for a Moment what can happen when you go just a little bit further than you expected. But I couldn’t say any of that to them. I just stood dumbly with the box in my hands, and watched as they boarded the elevators up to their rooms. I don’t know why I didn’t follow them into the elevator, and I stood there alone in the half-darkened hotel lobby on Christmas Eve and I just stood there with the box for a second longer. The elevator came back empty and I went back into my room, dark and empty again. And I put the box of ashes back on the dresser and dug into my suitcase and pulled out a pair of Christmas pajamas and put them on and sat in front of the window and made snowflakes with my breath on the glass. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas I hummed to myself as the snowflakes faded into the air again.

-

Christmas morning. Still dark outside. Freshly fallen snow. I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room. Blurry still. I blinked my eyes open. The box of ashes still on the dresser. This isn’t home I thought. I don’t have a home I thought. Take your pill I thought. I got up. A distraction. Lights on the street below. It’s not daylight. It’s just café lights. The café wasn’t open. It’s Christmas. Gingerbread baking in the kitchen. There is no kitchen. It’s Christmas in Tromso. Stagger to the bathroom. My hair, all of it bunched up on one side. A mark on my face. Feelings of the morning. I washed my face. Mom always said wash your face in the morning. Dad saying let’s go Sleepyhead. On Christmas I said Let’s go Sleepyhead to Dad. Laughter from the bedroom. Laughter down the stairs. The quiet of garland. The smell of hot chocolate. All these memories I carry with me. I open the pill bottle and shake one out into my hand. I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas just like the ones I used to know. I swallow the pill and tell myself Merry Christmas Haleigh. It’s a bit of a wait for the elevator and I get on the thing and press the button for the ground floor. I’m still in my sweatpants and a t-shirt, but it’s Christmas. This is what you’re supposed to do isn’t it? The door opens into the lobby and it’s bright. Flourescently lit, the lobby a little too modern. There’s no fireplace here. The grand fireplace at the old house. The floorboards creaking under a rug, pine tree inside the house. It tickled me. A tree inside. Santa came. Santa didn’t come here to the hotel. I came here. Breathe. I sit in a chair in the lobby and close my eyes. The pill worked slowly. I opened my eyes and I was back in Tromso. In the hotel lobby. It’s Christmas morning. I forgot one thing in the room. I got on the elevator again and the door opened and Check was coming down. I said. Be right down. He asked Are you going to change and I said Smile Check it’s Christmas. This was my time to bring Christmas. Far away from home. The door opened and I ran back to my room. I forgot Christmas. I forgot the gifts. I opened the door to my room and said Merry Christmas Dad, and I dug into the suitcase and pulled out a smaller bag. Back out into the hallway and back into the elevator. The door opens. Second floor. It’s Harrison. Merry Christmas bro I said. Where’s your PJs I asked him. He laughed. You have to wear PJs on Christmas morning. We stepped back out into the lobby together and sat at a table off to the side. They had some food set out for breakfast, like they always did. Check said, They just have bread here, where is the breakfast we get with our room? Harrison seemed like he was in good spirits. He said This is the breakfast. Check pushed his plate away and he said Christmas morning and all we have is some bread here. Harrison said I think the croissants here are actually really good. I said It’s the European way. Check said Well this American is going out to find a real American breakfast later. Harrison said Good luck with that it looks like everything is closed for the morning at least. Where’s Ginny I asked. She should be down in a bit Check said. You got something in that bag for her? I said Not just for her. Santa came for everyone. I laughed. Everything was straight in my mind and it was my favorite holiday. It’s been a while since I spent the holidays with the family. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas I hummed while grabbing some pastries and a croissant and a coffee. Strange that it wasn’t light out, late morning. Strange that Ginny was down last. She usually was one of the first down when we were kids, helping Mom out in the kitchen. She liked to watch the sunrise on Christmas morning. Here in Norway there would be no sunrise. A land of Christmas with no sunrise. I wondered if Ginny remembered. She came down groggy. She said I couldn’t sleep last night. This place is playing tricks on me. Usually I sleep great on Christmas Eve, all ready to go for Christmas Day, but last night I tossed and turned. My clock is all messed up. I said Right? It’s strange here. I’ve never seen anything like this - this darkness all the time. Check said Could have gone to Paris that would have been easier. I said Just wait for tonight. It will be the best Christmas present ever. And speaking of presents sit down and gather around everyone it’s Christmas morning, you know what that means. Santa came. Harrison said What are you talking about? And I said It’s not Christmas without Santa now get ready for your gifts. Mr. Chester Cook have you been a good boy or a bad boy this year? He said Oh please. I said Hmm doesn’t sound too nice but I’ll allow it. Close your eyes and put out your hands. He said What is all this about. I said Just do it. And he did. I put a flat wrapped gift in his hands and he tore it open. The frame was face down and when he saw it was a frame he said Don’t I have enough of these already, we just got rid of a bunch of these. And I said Look inside dummy. And he flipped it over and he stared at the picture inside behind the glass. And inside was a picture of our family, all of us together but a while ago, taken on an old film camera, slightly grainy but the details could be made out. It was us as kids and Mom and Dad were behind us. Ginny was looking back at Dad and Harrison and I were cheesing to the camera, two goofy little kid grins. And Check was decked out in his football gear, red and black, and he had his helmet tucked under his arm, ready to go. He asked me Where did you get this? I said Christmas magic. He smiled a little bit. And then I said Harrison is up next. Seems like you’ve been a nice boy this year, so I got you a little something nice. I took a present out of my bag. The wrapping paper didn’t hide what was inside. It was bottle shaped. He said I wonder what this might be. And he opened it and inside was a bottle of nice scotch. I didn’t know what was nice scotch but I knew that this one was nice. And I could tell he did too by the way he widened his eyes. He said Where did you get this? And I said Oh I know a guy, and no questions - Christmas magic! And then Ginny looked a bit worried and she was turning red. And I said Last but not least Mrs. Genevieve Rodriguez. She has been a good girl this year, so I got her something a little extra special. Here you go Mrs. Ginny. I pulled out a rectangular box, about the size of a shoebox and she eyed it with a bit of hesitation. She asked What could this possibly be? I said, go ahead, but don’t’ flip it over or shake it. She was even more confused and took it gently, peeling away the wrapping paper little by little. I was humming I’ll be home for Christmas. She always took off the paper in one big piece without ripping it. You can count on me. It was one of her things. She ran her nail under the tape. Please bring snow and mistletoe. She had done this a few times. Inside was a shoebox. And presents under the tree. She opened the box and she stared inside. I’ll be home for Christmas. Where did you get this? She asked. She didn’t look up from the box. If only in my dreams. What’s inside? I asked. She reached inside and she lifted out a small porcelain angel dressed in white, its hands together, praying, its face looking up into the sky. I said That’s just one of them. She stuttered. What do you mean? How did you get these? I said Christmas magic. Merry Christmas. I didn’t tell her that when the estate sale went live I went in and bought the angels first thing. I knew what those meant for her, and I didn’t want someone random to get them. She wiped a tear from her eye. I said There’s more where that came from. She said Oh Hale I can’t believe you. Harrison sat back and smiled. Of all the people to come through on Christmas, I have to hand it to you Hale, you nailed it. Check was smiling. He didn’t say anything. I’m not an idiot you know. I just said Merry Christmas everyone. The light was finally coming up outside, still dim, but enough. It turned the snow outside on the streets blue. And when those blue snowflakes start falling that’s when those blue memories start calling. We laughed together for a little while. I said Now where are the drinks? Any place open this time of day on Christmas? Harrison said Bar’s open right here, and he popped the top off the bottle of scotch and got up and got a few highball glasses. Ginny said It’s the morning here. Harrison said Who knows what time it is. You’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white. But I’ll have a blue blue blue blue Christmas. We cheersed and clinked the glasses together. Check said Thanks Hale. I said no problem. The day went quickly, and we shared some laughs in that lobby over croissants and pastries and gingerbread growing stale by the hour and eventually it became dark again, the sun never fully shining on the street outside. It felt like we never slept and it felt like we slept all day somehow. Over time we had drank the whole bottle of scotch, but over time and drinking it slowly together it was more like a pleasant buzz than anything hard-hitting. And then Harrison said Well it’s almost time for the next tour right? And I said What? I guess so and then said Hold on. I had to go upstairs to the room to get the ashes. They were still there sitting on the dresser and I grabbed them and held them in front of me like a present on the elevator. We went out slightly tipsy into the cold streets lit only by the Christmas decorations strung up across the streets between hulking buildings made to withstand the wind and the cold. This time I had another trick up my sleeve. No more massive tours. This one was run by a private driver. We walked up to the house and Check and Ginny and Harrison all asked Where are we going and I said Here and pushed the doorbell of a house on the edge of the downtown. Silver Bells Silver Bells It’s Christmas time in the city. An older man opened the door dressed in a flannel shirt and long waterproof pants and he said Ah you are the group who will see the Northern Lights on Christmas night. I said Yes we are. He said Come in and we sat down in a room off the entrance of the house and a middle aged Norwegian woman brought us tea and cookies and we ate almost all of them right away as the man told us the plan for the night. Yes we will need to do some driving tonight to be in the best position for the lights. Sometimes she can be a little bit shy but don’t worry we can find her. The tour bus - Pfff - goes to two or three spots and says Oh well we cannot see them here tonight better luck next time and they take your money but we think that if you want to see the lights then you can see the lights. We will drive all night if we need to and try to drive all the way around the whole area almost to Finland if we need to and we will see them on this Christmas night. Check said I like the sound of this guy and Ginny took the last cookie from the tray, not used to drinking especially not whiskey. And the man said OK we will go. Harrison asked What is your name? And the man said Torje and opened the door. I have some heavy coats for you in the car. These little coats will not work there Torje said and he gestured out the door. We piled into his 5 seater car, big coats and ashes and all and Torje pulled out of his driveway onto the snowy road and we pulled away from the city lights twinkling on the harbor like it was the last stronghold of civilization hanging on the abyss. It was still snowing and I had a negative feeling. Torje said Do not worry about the snow. We will go where there is not snow. We laughed at Torje’s strange manner of speaking amongst ourselves as we drove out into the darkness. He turned on the radio and some Christmas music was playing. Ginny said Oh they have Christmas music here too. Last Christmas I gave you my heart. Surreal driving through these dark forests with this song on the radio. Warmth makes our breath visible on the windows. Torje turns on the defroster and laughs. He got a call on a personal radio from someone. Something in Norwegian on his CB radio, not quite staticky. He said Ohp we will stop here for a moment. We stopped for a moment, the car still and warm in the dark, and a cloud passed over and we caught a glimpse of the clear night sky. A faint green glow was visible in the distance. Check said There there it is. Torje shook his head and said This is only a little one but we can see it for a little bit. It was like a green and slightly red fog on the horizon. Different than I thought the lights would be. I decided to wait to take out the ashes, since Torje seemed to think that this wasn’t the time. He picked up his CB radio and said something to the person on the other end. He said We go. We went, and sped off again on another road and this one looked similar but it felt like we were going in a different direction. We went on and on this time, each road looking the same, but a little bit smaller, until we reached a sign that said Finland. Torje stopped. He said We will wait here. The area was pitch black and stripped of trees. We waited. He turned off the car and we looked outside and the cold began to creep into the car. Check asked So you really think this is the place. Torje said We wait here. Harrison made a joke about this being the last night of his life and he wrote something in a small notepad that he pulled out of his pocket and Ginny asked What are you writing and he said Oh just an idea and then it was quiet again in the car. And then stars appeared. There were so many of them, and they appeared like they were hidden behind a stage curtain, the whole sky bottom to top opening up like we had never seen it before. Yes said Torje and he got out of the car. We all looked at each other and I said OK I guess this means to get out. The night sky was open and it was stars as far as we could see. We eventually all got out of the car and there was a cold wind blowing across the plains here by the Finnish border. I started shivering while holding the box of ashes close to me, and the others looked uncomfortable as well but we couldn’t take our eyes off the sky. We were searching for the lights. I expected a soft glow like the foggy light we saw before. But then it started. A ripping motion across the sky, and a slow descent like something oozing out of a cut in the sky, green trails dripping from a horizontal gash between the stars slowly at first and only a short distance from the cut which was still bright green and then longer and longer trails until the whole gash began to widen and then curve in odd directions and the green became greenish blue and then the shape continued to change and the edges blurred into the night sky like some ancient writing that none of us knew but each of us could at some level understand. This is what I was waiting for This is what I wanted us to see I said. And I opened up the box of ashes and with a shriek of joy I threw them into the night sky. I said Who is next and Check said Alright now this is something I’ve not seen before, and he took a handful of the ash and sprinkled it in the snow around us. Harrison took some as well and looked back up to the sky. He didn’t want to miss the show and he stood there with the ashes in one hand down by his side while looking up into the dancing lights over our heads, seemingly pulsating with color like blood in an artery and while he was looking up he just let the ashes go from his hand and smiled. I said Alright Ginny last but not least Let’s do this while the show is still going. She said Thank you to me and took a small bit of the ashes from the box. I said Let it rip Ginny and she said Merry Christmas Dad and threw it out into the snowy plains. And we all looked up at the sky together all of us with the green light reflecting green in our eyes and eventually the pulsating stopped and the movement stopped and all that was left was the dripping streaks of green from the gash in the sky and then the tails got smaller and the gash became smaller and the color faded back into the starry sky. My feet were numb. I had forgotten to move them while watching the sky and I stamped on the ground trying to get the feeling back into my legs. Check laughed and Harrison rubbed his hands together and said Let’s warm up. Torje said Inside we will have the heat and we went inside of the car again and he opened a thermos of hot water and handed it to us with a tea packet. Ginny said Isn’t this wonderful. And I said Christmas magic. Told you all so. And Check said Yeah you told us. And Torje started the engine and we drove back towards civilization humming Have yourself a merry little Christmas, all of us together back into the cold and beautiful night.

Reviews

[Richard Knox]

Redemption for Hale. Wonderful. Again, well-written. Wonderfully descriptive and intimately revealing of her character.