3. Africa

My beautiful boys, 

Merry Christmas from Africa! Are you having fun in the snow? Here they don’t have any snow because it’s really summer. Can you believe it? It’s my first hot Christmas, and my first Christmas away from you. I know you understand that this was the only time all of us could come at the same time. But I am thinking of you every Moment of every day, and we will snuggle up and drink hot chocolate and have our own special Christmas celebration when we get back. I’m so sorry I won’t be there to see you open up your presents!
Remember to really be on your best behavior for Granny and Grampy while you are staying at their house. If you are good, then they will let Santa know where you are and he will get all those wonderful presents to you. That means you have to remember to keep up with your vacation study while I’m away. I wish I was there to help you, but I told Daddy to stay on top of things for me while I’m gone. I know that Granny and Grampy will help out too. You will have such a great holiday with them. They always decorate their house so nicely for the holidays. If you’re really good, maybe they will even let you tinsel the tree!
I miss you so much. You would love it here! Today, we drove in a big jeep to a special place called the Serengeti. No, not spaghetti! This is a place where so many animals live. I have already seen so many animals. It is just like the zoo, but so wide open! Have you heard of the Big 5? It’s a group of animals you look for on a safari. We are trying to see a lion, a leopard, a buffalo, an elephant, and a rhinoceros. We are trying to be patient, but we have already seen 3: buffalo, elephant, and lion. We have also seen lots of antelopes and zebras and giraffes. Can you believe it? I laugh every time we see the giraffe. Eli, you always used to call them raffis!
I really wish you could be here with me! I’ll show you all the pictures when we come back, along with some special gifts from your aunt and uncle to add to your Christmas gifts. I also have some snacks to bring back to you. The food here has been surprisingly good. They even had Eli’s favorite: macaroni and cheese!
Uncle Harrison is still working on his stories, writing a little bit each day, just like we practice at home. And I’m writing every day too! We are still working on our “special mission” to honor Grandpa. Just like I told you in my letter from Australia, we have to help spread his love around the world. This would have been a great place for him. He always watched those nature shows, just like you two like to watch. I thought of all the great times you spent with Grandpa when we had our ceremony here in Africa, even last Christmas when he was a little bit sick. You were always a big part of Grandpa’s life, and he loved you so very much. He still does! That means that, in a way, a small piece of each of you is here in the Serengeti also!
Do you remember what a continent is? There are 7 of them. Just like in the song we sang before I left: Europe, Africa, North and South America, Asia, Australia and Antarctica. Can you guess how many I have been to now? Three - North America (where we live!), Australia, and now Africa. Next we will go to Europe and Asia. Aunt Haleigh has already been to both, and she said she would show us some very special places. Maybe someday you can travel to some different places around the world also. But you have to do well in school first!
Noah, Remember to look after your little brother. You and Daddy are the guardians of the house while I’m away and it’s on you to help keep everyone safe, even at Granny and Grampy’s house. I think Daddy will show you a video of the place where we are. There is a big mountain here called Kilimanjaro. It is in your world book. It’s the tallest mountain in Africa - even taller than the tallest mountain we’ve seen!
Eli, I look at the special artwork you gave me every day! Your aunts and uncles like it too. It’s good to remember our big happy family is always together in spirit wherever we are. Remember to listen to your Daddy and your brother. But I think Granny needs your special help when you play cards together!
I will try to call in if the connection is good. We will be in Europe next, near the North Pole where Santa is from! Remember our special countdown calendar and count down every day until I get back. I will be back home soon - just after the New Year. Keep that fire warm for me, and save me some delicious cookies (if Santa hasn’t eaten all of them up!). On Christmas morning, be sure to play “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” I’ll put it on too, and hopefully we can listen to it together. I think about you every second of every day and I can’t wait to show you all the amazing things that we have seen here on our travels! Talk with you very soon.

Love and Christmas Wishes,
Mommy


Dear Vick,

It just doesn’t feel like Christmas here. I know your Mom and Dad already have a fire going and that they have the house all decorated up like they always do. They just know how to do Christmas right. Tell them that I really appreciate letting you all stay there while I am gone. I know you could do it by yourself if you want to, but since this is the kids’ first Christmas without me I just really wanted to make sure that they felt at home. I know we talked about this already before we left - a couple of times - but you know how much this means to me. Just thank them again for me!
We got into Nairobi in the morning after another long flight. I just cannot get comfortable on those planes. I just kept thinking about snuggling up and having a nice hot chocolate in front of the fire. This is my favorite part of the year and it kills me that I can’t be there with you. It’s just something that we have to do I guess.
The drive to Arusha was unlike anything I have ever seen. I just kept on thinking of the lyrics to that song “Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?” It looks so hard here, and I just keep on thinking about how blessed we are to live the life that we do. The rest stop bathroom was one of the worst I have ever seen. I had to hold it the whole way! You better believe that when I got to the hotel, I ran straight to the bathroom (sorry to bring that up, I just thought it was funny!). The hotel is beautiful by the way. Well they call it a lodge, but it feels like a hotel. It looks straight out onto the savannah. Can you believe it? Me, looking out on the savannah. At night there are some weird sounds, but there are lots of men with guns all around the property so it feels relatively safe, but also like anything could happen.
I am especially worried about Hale. The first night after having dinner together I sat and read out on the big patio while the sun set. It was such a scene. The trees looked black against the golden sky, and a beautiful breeze blew across the open air lobby. But I heard a commotion and I saw Hale knock down a barstool on the far end of the lobby. She was having a drink and looking out over the same sunset, but she looked different, like really out of it, as though she was looking past the view, past the golden horizon, to somewhere out and beyond. She left the barstool there on the ground and walked slowly over to the side of the patio, closer and closer, still with that look in her eyes, like her vision was fixed on a point hundreds of miles away. I called out to her, slightly creeped out by the scene. Have you seen anyone do something like that? And she just looked over and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And she walked in the direction of our rooms, still with her wine glass in hand. She made it halfway across the room until she bumped into the side of one of the couches in the middle of the lobby. She looked frustrated for a moment, then edged her way around it and made her way to the compound of rooms. I thought about following her in for a moment to check on her, but I thought better of it and looked back down at my book. But I couldn’t read anymore. Do you think that someone could have put something in her drink?
I am a little bit on edge here. The place is very nice. I am so surprised, but I also feel like this is a little bit inappropriate. Do other people feel that way? I know this is when everyone was able to do it. I get it. But I feel like we are just skipping over a lot of important time to process this. I haven’t even started. We let the things in the White House go because we were too rushed. I still feel like we got pushed into agreeing to this because Check wanted to get everything done as soon as possible. But it’s not something we can rush, is it?
The room is nice. I have a comfortable queen bed with a big white bug net hanging down from the ceiling. I have to look it over each night and I am scared to death that some sort of tropical bug will get in through a hole in the net or something. Who knows how closely they inspect these things? But I am also trying to relax, all things considered. But then my mind wanders back to you and the boys and how this just doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. I want to hug the boys. I want to be there to see them opening their presents and to see the smiles on their face. I am missing memories trying to chase memories over here. Is that OK?
There are sounds outside of the room and I toss and turn at night. I miss the soft sound of the fire crackling in the fireplace and the white silence of the snow falling gently outside of our window at night. I miss your warmth and I even miss your occasional snore waking me up in the middle of the night, your arm heavy on my waist as we sleep, and the feeling of safety that I feel with you, unlike any other feeling in the world. It just doesn’t feel right sleeping in this big bed with the net like a tent over me. I would much rather be in a tent with you and the boys out in the backyard. But here I am and we have work to do.
Our first safari was in the morning, before breakfast. We had a light snack, and we were told that we would have a bigger breakfast after our drive because some of the animals are only out early in the morning. We drove out in a huge truck as the sun came up, turning the sky an amazing combination of orange and red and yellow and then to blue. They stopped the truck in the middle of one of the savannahs and it was already hot. You know how I am with the heat, but I feel like I have to keep up with the rest of them. You know we paid good money to be here, and I think it’s really important to honor Dad while we are here. But then, would you believe it, they asked us to line up behind one of the guides and we walked out into the savannah. It was the most exposed but incredible feeling, out there on the African plains where anything could happen. I was scared out of my mind, even though there were no animals out at the time. We all stood behind the guide who had a large gun pointed out and he told us to stay on the lookout for tracks on the ground. I don’t think I saw any - I was too busy looking around for a lion or something to jump out of the grass at us!
We walked for a while. The guide said it was a couple of kilometers, but I don’t know how much exactly that is. All these different words and cultures - it’s hard to keep up with. I was looking down at the grass trying not to lose my balance as we went up this big grassy hill. But when we got to the top, the view took my breath away. We were on the edge of a large plain, kind of like the ones we had been seeing, but this was different. Down below us was a big herd of buffalo grazing in the field. Off in the distance were a couple of big gray elephants. And walking across the view in front of us were a few giraffes. It was like the zoo but so much bigger and better. The colors, the sound of wind in the grass. Even the smell. It’s hard to explain the feeling, but oh it’s magnificent. The sun rose up completely behind us and it just felt like we were seeing God’s creation for the first time in all of its splendor. I just wished you were here to see it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you in that moment.
We stayed there for what felt like an hour, just mesmerized. But I think it was really only a few minutes. The others were speechless too. It was the first time on the whole trip that Check wasn’t complaining. Haleigh was smiling the whole time, and I think that even though she’s not religious anymore, maybe she had a spiritual Moment also. It made me feel at peace, watched over even, to see everyone so happy there on the top of that hill.
The guide said we had to turn back since we were on kind of a schedule. And so I took one more look back and I pictured us standing there on the edge of the hill together. Maybe sometime we can do it, but I don’t know if we’ll have the money again or if you could get the time off of work or if we could leave the boys for that long. I tried to think of a way while we were walking back, and maybe we could make it work. Or we could at least drive to Safari Park with the boys. It was only the first morning of the safari and already we had seen a life’s worth of wild animals. The guide kept the gun trained out into the fields, but nothing came up. We walked back to the truck, which was already idling nearby.
When we got back to the lodge, they had a big breakfast waiting for us - pancakes, sausage, eggs, fruit, yogurt, juice, and coffee. I thought I was going to go hungry here in Africa, but I really like the food here! Harrison says it’s because we are staying at a luxury resort lodge, but if the food that the locals eat is anything close to this then it would be alright. But Hale and Harrison would know better I guess.
The resort where we are staying is on kind of a compound, and when we aren’t on safari or eating I spent some time wandering around the property. There are these little paths that lead to huts around the main lodge where you can do some traditional crafts or buy some gifts. I spent a lot of time in the gift shop looking for some Christmas gifts for the rest of the family and for your parents. I am so grateful to them for helping you out while I’m gone. I’ll have to write them an apology or a thank you for helping out. I am thinking of getting them a tapestry from the store here before we leave. I thought I had some things that they would have liked from Dad’s house, but like we talked about Check kind of put an end to that. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. So much good stuff in there, just gone.
Hale got the boys some sort of drum from the store. I’m not sure about it since the wood looks kind of dirty on the inside and there could be bugs. You’ll have to make the call when you see it. But I might just get some shirts for them and say that’s what she got them. Check said he would give some money for a gift too, so we’ll say it’s from both of them.
I tried to take a nap in the room while we were waiting for the next safari, but it was so hot in there and the fan wasn’t very powerful I sat there sitting in the bug net sweating, thinking about how badly I just wanted to be there with you. Thinking about how Christmas was getting ready to happen on the other side of the world without me. How I was apart from the kids. I went out and got the shirts for them, even though I think the lady at the desk ripped me off. I just couldn’t think any more about how I wasn’t there with them.
I thought about them at lunch, when - could you believe it - they served macaroni and cheese as a side dish. But I guess it was a gourmet take on mac and cheese, made with some different kind of cheese and with straight tube pasta instead of macaroni. But it was still pretty good. I hope Eli is eating OK and that your parents aren’t spoiling them too much. They are so nice but sometimes I think that they give the boys too many sweets! But I guess it’s Christmas after all. Just make sure that Eli is eating something green each day.
There was another break after lunch. It seems like so much of what we do here on this safari is waiting. But the times we are out in the field are worth the wait I guess. The waiting gives me time to clear my head. And even though it’s hot, I can sit on the verandah here and look out at the nature that God created and think about how lucky we have been with everything. But even as we are so lucky I think about some of the mistakes we made and how we can get them back. I think about what I would do if I could have talked to Check before he put all of Dad’s things up for sale.
I know you said it’s OK and that we have plenty of memories to share and that we don’t have much space in the house. But I can’t shake the feeling that we are missing something big in there. We already lost the angel figurines. They were one of the first things gone. And it’s not like they were even worth a lot of money, although I feel like some of the stuff in there might have been. But they were things that mean something to me. Even if I can’t put my finger on what it means. It means something and it’s important. It would have been so great to have something more to pass down to the boys since Dad passed when they were so young - something more to remember him by. Memories can be so fleeting, and Dad didn’t really like to have his picture taken very often. So I just wish there was more to hold on to, to pass on. I know you looked through the list that Check posted and said that we could get anything on the list. And I know you are so supportive and I love you so much for that. But I think it’s just the fact that he did it, the way that he did that made me feel so horrible.
I thought about talking to him while we were waiting for the safari. But it’s so hard to get through to him sometimes. And he was just there on the verandah too, drinking a bourbon and taking in the view. It would have been so easy to talk to him then. But I think I know what he would have said. I think he would have just said that the things there were junk anyway and that we needed the money to finish this project. And I didn’t really want to deal with that right then. So I just sat there and made small talk with him for a little while about the view. About Christmas. We talked about some of the Christmases that we had growing up, before Hale and Harrison. And even though we had so many Christmases together without them, I couldn’t really remember any, as much as I said I did. It just seemed like they have always been there. I couldn’t imagine life without them any more. And as I thought about that, then Harrison came out on the verandah too and Check said something to me like “See, just as we were bonding, he comes back in again.” I don’t think Harrison heard him though because he sat down and didn’t say anything except that he had been writing a lot that day. I hope his stories do well. The first one was great, and he said that it was getting some traffic. Did you send the link or the text out to everyone to read it?
The three of us sat out there, rocking for a little while and taking in the cool breeze and the view. I was wondering what Hale was doing and both of them said that they hadn’t seen her. I was worried about her, but Harrison said “I wouldn’t worry about her too much - she’s got it all together.” And Check just laughed and I kind of thought otherwise also after seeing her the night before, but I didn’t do anything and for the rest of the afternoon I just thought about whether I should have gone and looked for her or not.
But then it was time for the evening safari finally, and Hale showed up in the lobby on time. She said she was taking a walk out in what she calls the bush, but I knew that it was off the property and I thought to tell her that maybe she shouldn’t do that since it’s probably dangerous, but I thought better of that too, since she was there after all. I got some little satchels of Dad’s ashes that I had made for the evening safari, since someone told us that it would be the most spectacular one. I said to them that I didn’t know how it would be better than the walking safari that morning, but I wanted to keep an open mind. I wanted it to be nice, even though we would just be spreading the ashes out on the ground, another piece of Dad lost in the wind.
The evening safari started out a lot like the morning’s safari, with us getting into the truck and pulling off into the fields around the resort. I wanted to look around but the truck was bouncing around so much that I was afraid I would lose the ashes so I put my arm around one of these big metal poles that are on the side of the open-air truck and then held it in my jacket pocket. Everyone asked me why I was wearing a jacket since it was so hot, but it turns out that the temperature drops after dark so it was good to have. Besides, it let me have that extra bit of security. And I needed it too. The truck went off the little dirt path that we had gone on before so it was extra bumpy. I was holding on for dear life on the side of that truck. But whenever I could I tried to look out at the scenery. The sun was starting to set, and everything was turning a bright yellow-orange. There were just some antelope out in the fields at the time, but that in itself was just lovely.
The truck kept going and going and I didn’t know where it was going to stop. It felt like it was going fast, but then again it might have been just because the ground was so bumpy. In some spots, there was some tall grass that brushed up on the side of the truck and I got nervous that some sort of spider or snake would get in. But it didn’t. Hale seemed to love the ride and was squealing over every bump and curve that the driver took. Check didn’t seem too pleased and at one time I heard him swear under his breath. Harrison put his notebook away and was just taking it all in, more like me I suppose.
And then we stopped suddenly. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere, out in the middle of the savannah on a little hill in the grass. The driver jumped out of the truck and said it was time for sundowners, which I didn’t know was supposed to mean drinks. I didn’t know if I could handle a drink, but Hale had already taken one - a mixed drink that I didn’t catch the name of, and then I thought a glass of wine wouldn’t be too bad. Harrison and Check had a whiskey again and we all looked out at the plains. I got why they call them sundowners - we got there right when the sun was setting. And I had to put my drink down and say to everyone that this was the moment. I felt a little bad since it looked like they were enjoying the view right then. But anyway, so I gave out my little satchels of the ashes that I had prepared and we looked out into the distance. The sky was all sorts of beautiful colors and there were some clouds that had turned pink near the horizon. I had never seen that color in the sky before.
I told our guide to take us out a little ways from the truck to get a better view and to have a little bit of privacy while we were spreading the ashes. He let one of his assistants come with us, with a gun for safety, of course. We followed him single file out for about a minute as the sun continued to set. It almost felt like a funeral procession, Vick. It was like the big memorial service that we didn’t have, but in a much bigger church, this natural cathedral of God’s wonders. We formed a little circle and had a moment of silence. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to spreading these ashes around, but if it’s what Dad wanted then that’s what we’ll do. I opened the satchel and mixed his ashes in with the tan dirt in that African savannah. The others didn’t say too much as they did the same. But Vick it was the perfect timing to be out there - the sky changing colors every minute. Antelope and zebras grazing out in the fields. Everything just felt right. And I couldn’t help but smile and think of all those shows that Dad watched with the boys, and how he would have loved to be out here living one of those shows.
It felt like a long walk back to the truck again, out there exposed on the savannah. But it felt like someone was watching over us. But then the guide said “Look out, there!” And we looked, and there was a lion waiting next to a rock, laying and panting in the cool evening air. He gave us a pair of binoculars and told us to stay quiet. Vick, it was beautiful! And somehow I felt totally safe.
We made our way back to the truck as the light was fading, and the guide told us that we were really lucky to see what we had seen. He said that they hadn’t seen that lion in a long time. He mentioned him by name but I couldn’t remember it. But he said something really interesting. He said that sometimes lions strayed far from their territory. There was a tracker on some of them, and scientists had located them hundreds of miles away at one point. But they always came back here from time to time, for some reason or another. Like they belong there. And this one was probably here for a reason too. It felt like Dad was speaking to us through that lion, saying to us, “You know Mom and I are watching over you, and we’re so proud.”
I told this to the others when we were eating that night after we got back from the evening safari. Harrison smiled, but Check said, “You didn’t really believe that do you?” I couldn’t believe it. Sometimes he can be so rude. I said that for a matter of fact I did believe it. Hale backed me up. She said that she can feel Dad sometimes in what she called random places too. Check said “I bet you can.” To Harrison’s credit, he didn’t leave back to his room, but he didn’t say much either. He was taking some notes in his notebook. I hope he isn’t saying too much personal stuff about us in his story. I know that he said he wasn’t going to, and that the articles were going to be mainly travel articles with a little bit of a back story about the situation we’re in, but sometimes I get a little bit nervous. Like what we are doing is kind of private you know? But like they said, every little bit helps, and maybe it’s a story that should be told. It might be good for the kids to read when they are a little bit older. Who knows?
I’m writing you this letter in the main hall of the resort after our dinner. Everything is pretty quiet now except for the grounds crew cleaning up the dining room and the chatter of some of the other guests who are staying here. I almost prefer staying out in the lobby here, not just because there is sometimes internet access and I can send mail out to you and the kids, but because it’s light. I think that I’ll stay out here for a while longer and listen to the bugs outside and try to look at the stars outside. I’ll probably write in my journal a little bit, just like our evening routine. I miss our little routines, as simple as they might be. I miss snuggling up with you and watching TV in bed before we go to sleep. I miss tucking the boys in for bed, especially right now around the holidays. I miss all those little things that you guys are all probably getting ready to do over there soon - I wonder what time it is over there right now? I always forget…
I already sent a little message to the boys, and I hope you make sure that they get to read it. I’ll try to send another on Christmas, along with some postcards as well. I might be overreacting, but I want them to know that I really am thinking about them while I am over here and that I am with them on Christmas.
We have another day here at the resort tomorrow, but it will be a little bit different, with a tour of a local village and then another wildlife safari. I’m really pretty nervous about the village. Here it seems like people are always coming up to us and asking for something. It started even as we were leaving the airport and getting into the resort van - the needy pushing and pleading for something, anything, to help out. When we stopped for the bathroom, like I said I was struggling, but when I saw some of the old ladies holding out their hands from the shade, I couldn’t even tell how old they were. And the kids all ask for gum or candy or water bottles and it’s heartbreaking to see. I just feel so blessed sometimes to have what we have, and I wonder how we got so lucky, how I got so lucky to have you and the boys and a loving warm family. It’s something that these people over here seem like they don’t have, but still seem so happy. Like when Check waved the kids off (a little rudely for my taste) they still scattered laughing and playing into the fields around the bus before we pulled away and drove on to the resort. I couldn’t imagine Noah or Eli doing something like that or living that life.
There was even one man who knocked on our window when we were driving to the resort! We were going slow on a kind of dirt road and he just came right up to the window and asked us something, I think he was just saying, “Money, money.” But we didn’t have any and so I felt really bad. But then he went back into the little convenience store by the side of the road. It looked like he was just selling chips and some pieces of fruit in there and I didn’t know how in the world he was making a living. But maybe he got lucky with some other passers-by some other time. But spending that much time in a village - I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it. But Hale seems to think it’s OK. She says that she has seen some similar things back when she was in Asia, and I guess I tend to believe her. Harrison reminded me that it’s just a cultural village but I didn’t really get the difference - the whole experience is cultural isn’t it? Anyway, I’ll be sure to let you know how that goes in the next update.
I’m not sure how the other safari one will top the evening safari that we had, but they said it could be a good chance to see some more of the Big Five. I have been taking some pictures to send to the kids. I think they’ll like quite a few of them, and I hope I can see all of them before we leave. But I would honestly be happy with the things we have seen in the last couple of days. Just as long as everyone is still getting along and Hale doesn’t have any more weird episodes.
From there we head back out to the airport. Another flight, another transfer, and another flight. I don’t know how people do this for so long. I can hardly stand one long flight, but then we have to cram a few more in on this leg. It’s the meat of the mission - three continents in just a short amount of time. I think we have a transfer in Frankfurt and then north to Norway. I wish we could stay over in Germany since I think our family has a little bit of heritage there, but there’s not enough time. And I will probably be so tired when I get back from this leg that I won’t even be able to think of traveling any more. It’s a weird feeling - this feeling of never being able to stop, like we’re on one of those moving sidewalks and going past all these amazing and wonderful things but we can’t stop and savor any of them. It just keeps going just on and on. 
So we will spend a few days in Norway over Christmas and then it’s on to Asia where Hale will lead us in another leg. I just hope she knows what she’s doing. It’s hard to picture her leading us around the world. I just always picture her as that little girl that wanted to play with me all the time. But I also never expected to lead our family on an African safari. I mean, I only went to the travel agent and asked her to book everything, but even that is a bigger step than really anything I’ve ever done. Here we are, because of me I guess!
I love you so much, and I know I’ve said it so many times, but I miss you like nothing else and I can’t wait to be back with you. I know I say it often, but I want to be better for you, to lose some weight, to be braver, to contribute more. I know you say I do plenty and that it was totally understandable to spend so much time away while Dad was sick, but if this trip has done anything for me personally it’s made me think about so many things, to see that sometimes I’m stronger than I think and that sometimes facing your fears isn’t always as bad as it seems. It doesn’t make it easier though. But I know that you’ll always be there for me, and knowing that makes all the difference. Talk to you soon.

All my love,
Ginny


Dear Dad,

Everything feels more distant, and each day things seem to just slip further and further away, out of my grasp. The last time I talked to you, you were already slipping away and now there is so little left and each time we take another step on this task you’ve given us I lose another part of you.
Hale has been acting strangely, walking erratically around the grounds here in Africa of all places, and I feel like I’ve just never known her. Did she ever talk to you the way that I talked to you? The gap between us was just so large, and when I learned I was going to have a sister I was so excited, but I feel like I never did, and I feel even less so now. Harrison is writing a lot, and like always he is disengaged, using his gift to the fullest, but like he was in a different world all the time. And finally Check makes what should bring us closer to you more like a task that we are too complete as quickly as possible. But I don’t want to complete this quickly. Of course I would rather hold on to you as long as I can, as I’m so afraid that with each handful of ashes that we spread on the ground I will lose another piece of you just like the special things inside of that house that we will never get back.
The angels, God, each one a memory, each one a gift from grandma to Mom, all of them were purchased in a flash because Check didn’t know. Mom said to me, “One day I’ll pass these to you too, just like grandma passed them to me.” And then poof, just like that, she was gone. I was away of course, the most important things in life, missed and I just didn’t want that to happen again. I am so thankful that I could spend the time with you that I did. You were so strong Dad, you and Mom both and I always knew your strength was there to help guide me along. Even when I left college, with all the trouble we’ve had with Eli, and I just don’t know what I am going to do without you here with me, to talk to, to laugh with, to learn from.
Did you know how hard it was to watch you slip away the last few weeks after we learned? To walk into that house and watch your body wasting away, the body I once knew as strong and tall, fixing things around the house, supporting and helping our family day after day. The way you would get excited about another thing you found at a sale down the street, those stupid sales, but I miss it. I miss you and I don’t know how I will move forward without you.
I miss the old house, its high ceilings and the giant tree out in the front. I miss the yard in the back, the way it felt under our bare feet, the way it got just a little bit overgrown and we could lose our things in it, the garden under the porch dimpled with Mom’s handprints, packing the soil in, those beautiful strong hands. I miss the screen door, the old refrigerator, the way the hallways creaked in the dark when we passed through them in the middle of the night. I miss the sounds of Hale and Harrison’s rooms, the laughs of joy and the hungry cries, the same laughs and cries that I knew to expect and love from my own two boys. You know I always wanted a boy and a girl. I was devastated when I found out my second wasn’t a girl, and I never told you because you looked at me the same special way that you did when I first told you that you would become a grandfather. And sometimes that makes me feel terrible too - things like that.
I wish Mom could have seen them - the boys that is. I wish Mom was never taken from us. My mantra has always been “Everything happens for a reason.” It’s sweet isn’t it? But right now I’m having a hard time thinking of the reason. It was hard to see the reason to move everything into the White House from the grand old house out of town. I knew you missed it too, keeping it up, finding new treasures to keep inside of its old painted walls. But nothing lasts forever and that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
Am I going to get to the point where I will outlive Mom? It’s coming up close. We had so much more room in that old house. So many old memories that we will never be able to live again. So many little details that I will never be able to show my kids. So many inches that Mom and you and Check and me and Harrison and Hale ran their fingers across and smudged with their feet and wouldn’t have been just great if we could just live some of those days together again as a whole family?
Dad, I chose this place because of those nature shows you always watched, remember the ones? One thing that I learned from watching all those nature shows, Dad, was that lions, while they have strong family bonds in the beginning, drift away, grow independent over time. They say that a lion has to stake out its own territory, to go and hunt out for itself. But I must not have been a lion Dad, because I never wanted to go. I never wanted Mom to go. I never wanted you to go. I never wanted Hale and Harrison to go. I wished that we could stay together there in that house on the plains. There in the place where we felt more like a family, supportive and strong, rather than what we have now, which feels like it’s fading faster every day. And I feel like it’s part my fault, because I let you move from that old beautiful place where we had been happy, where all of our memories were stored in the walls and in the creaking floorboards and in the old dusty attic where we used to peek and hide on hot days when you and Mom were out working in the yard.
It feels like moving into the White House took out a part of you, of us, and replaced it with cancer, deep inside, where none of us could see it, where I couldn’t do anything about it. And at some level I knew, Dad, I thought something was wrong but I wanted everything to be right. I wanted everything to be OK, just like it was before. I wanted everything to be just right, like it was when we were all together as a family. Like it was before we moved. Did I let our family fall apart? What was holding us together? Was it you? Was it Mom?
Have you ever felt sad for something that didn’t happen? Sometimes I feel filled up with regrets, of things that have piled up over the years, things that were left undone, words that were left unsaid. It’s the secrets in this family that are the regrets that I think maybe you might understand? Do you have any? Secrets and guilt. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know anything about the people who should be the closest to me. About the people who share the same blood in my veins, the same blood as you and Mom. It’s strange to say because there was a point when I knew everything about everyone in this family, or at least I thought I did. Or did I? It’s the not asking and I feel guilty because of it sometimes.
But in a way I also dread others asking me about my own personal issues. I just find it so unpleasant, thinking about the bad things that have happened. But I also can’t help thinking about it sometimes. I just know it might happen someday, someone asking me why I never finished school. Why it’s so hard for me to stand going places all by myself. Why it’s so hard for me to let go of things. Why it’s so hard for me to lose the weight and become the woman that I was before I was so jumpy and nervous all the time. And I know that Vick is so patient and amazing and lovely and I thank God every day that I’ve found him. But I wish I felt the same way all the time, but it’s going to take a while. And I wish I told you some of those things too, Dad, was a little bit more open with you. But I guess now you know everything that happened to all of us, and I see now in so many places and in so many ways where you are telling us that things are OK.
Don’t think that I didn’t notice you out there on the savannah, Dad. The lion right at sunset, just staring us down as we spread another handful of your ashes out here on the other side of the world, so clever Dad! It was just such a throwback to all those nature shows we always watched. And I bet now you get to watch the real deal whenever you’d like to. I’m always looking out for little signs like that. And I see you in the sky, and when the phone rings at just the right times, and when a commercial comes on - one that we always used to joke about. I always say, oh there’s Dad. But of course you knew that too!
So in a way that gives me some hope, that even as we lose a little bit more of you each day we find you a little bit more somewhere new and unexpected. I just wished we were able to spend just one more day together, one more hour. I wished the boys could have heard you speak to them one more time. I wished we could just eat one more family meal together. Because even though I feel like you still live on in our memory, all of us in our own way, that things fade more and more into memory and become less and less real with each passing day, and I just want something real to hold on to that isn’t just up in my head. 

You are still able to contribute so much to me and my family but I can’t reach out to you, and I’m losing more of you with each leg of this mission. What good am I if I can’t help you or the people that I love from here? I know that these are your wishes, but I just wish you could understand how this is making me feel. I didn’t get to say any sort of goodbye to Mom, and now I have to say goodbye over and over again to you and I don’t know which is worse.

            But I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say that. I know that everything is done according to a plan, and we can’t see the back of the plan. It makes me feel guilty to doubt what we are doing here. To doubt that the path that you have set us on is the wrong one or counterproductive. So I’ll be looking for you Dad, everywhere we go, everything we do. I’ll keep my eye out for you, and Mom too. I hope you are happy up there with the stars, looking down on us. And that’s why I just hope you keep sending more signs that you are really here with us Dad, and I just hope the others see it too. I pray for you and Mom each day and each night. I pray for all of us.

Love, 

Genevieve

Reviews

[Richard Knox]

Another great chapter, Greg. You have really managed to give each of the characters their own voice, and deftly shown the various facets of their personalities. That is key: you are showing, not telling. You are making it seem as though the characters are just presenting themselves as they are, and leaving it up to the reader to decide if they are reasonable or messed up, sympathetic or not, good or bad. Plus the introduction of that little mystery of Hale’s odd behavior is definitely intriguing. I look forward to reading more.